


build me a mountain

by HeartHarps



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Internalized Transphobia, Slow Burn, Youtuber AU, cis woman trixie, dating/sleeping with other people, internet-typical transphobia, trans woman katya
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-10
Updated: 2019-04-20
Packaged: 2019-08-21 17:41:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 104,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16581083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeartHarps/pseuds/HeartHarps
Summary: Katya @katya_zamoMy pussy tastes like orange soda.Trixie Mattel @TrixieMattel@katya_zamo mine tastes like strawberry lecroixWhen Katya needs to learn how to do makeup, Trixie Mattel is happy to help. But before Katya knows it, they are on a roller coaster of laughter, tears, parties, and goofing off in front of a camera—together.





	1. Red, Black, and Beige

**Author's Note:**

> Hello and welcome! I love this story and these characters, I hope you enjoy it too.   
> I'm still working on it but 25 chapters is my goal for this, give or take, with an average of 4k words per chapter, and I update   
> every Saturday.  
> There is a comprehensive set of notes with links and explanations and things over on [tumblr](http://heartharps.tumblr.com/post/179971770898/notes-build-me-a-mountain).   
> Thanks for reading!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a lot of media and social media in this story! So I will introduce formatting as it becomes relevant. This takes place in 2012, and there are going to be minor references to things that technically haven't happened yet. I'm too lazy to find timeline-appropriate jokes lol. Also I’m not totally savvy about the history of emojis but they are used extensively in this story. :)
> 
> Image descriptions will look like this: [Image: A description of the image.]
> 
> Emojis are named: [party popper emoji] [sparkling heart emoji] etc...
> 
> Katya @katya_zamo  
> This is a tweet from Katya!
> 
> @TrixieMattel: This is a Twitter direct message from Trixie :)
> 
> Enjoy the show!

Panic creeped into Katya’s chest. She dropped the tiny brush onto her bathroom counter and braced her arms against it, staring into the shining porcelain of the sink. She didn’t want to look at herself; she looked like shit. Katya was never going to get this.

Her brain skipped quickly over blaming gender roles and cisnormativity until it circled back to  _ you can do this _ . Katya sank back to sit on the edge of her tub, lifting her hands to the keyboard of her laptop. It was up on the counter so she couldn't see the smears of foundation and blush on her face. She had been looking at makeup tutorials for hours now, making a mess of her drugstore products, and nothing she did looked even remotely correct. Katya knew practice was a huge part of any art, but she couldn't even figure out what she was supposed to practice.

Katya clicked back into the search bar. What was she searching for? What did she need?

She typed, ‘actually helpful makeup tips’.

The first result was titled, ‘Beginner’s Makeup Tutorial ACTUALLY USEFUL’, and the thumbnail showed a gorgeous blonde woman with huge eyes touching a peace sign to her face. It didn't have millions of views but it had been posted within the week, so Katya clicked onto it.

“ _Hi guys!_ ” The woman greeted, her plump pink lips moving and looking so vibrant in the professional lighting. “ _Today we are celebrating two things: I graduated from beauty school! Finally! Plus I just hit a hundred thousand subscribers so thank you so much. I have dedicated the past six years of my life to learning about makeup and I feel like I finally have a really good grasp on the best way to learn to do your own makeup._ ”

Katya liked this girl. She seemed like she knew what she was talking about. 

“ _People learn in different ways, but I hope this is helpful. Let's get right to it!_ ”

A cute, flowery title animation showed the name, ‘Trixie Mattel’, and then the shot changed. Trixie’s makeup was gone and her sleek blonde hair was pulled back into a ponytail. Katya watched her wash her face, describing a simple, effective method that was a decent starting point for anyone. She paused the video, breathed, and copied.

Step-by-step, Katya ended up following the entire tutorial. Trixie didn't waste time naming brands or colours. She explained straightforward techniques that were easy to replicate with the free applicators and cheap sponges Katya had. Trixie would spend a minute going over different face shapes and skin types when needed so Katya could quickly discern what would work for her. 

Katya had very simple, but very okay-looking makeup on in thirty minutes. Standing up and looking over her work in the mirror, lit with a ring light she had pulled out of her video equipment, she felt fine. She felt good. She looked good. Katya looked like a woman, she thought.

The light slid over her natural cheekbones and the very very slight contour she had brushed on. Looking at the simple black eyeliner crowning her eyes from a normal distance, it looked good, standing out against her pale skin. And her lips. Katya had slowly painted red lipstick into the lined edges of her mouth. It was bold. It was right. It felt unapologetically  _ her _ .

Katya resisted the urge to take a picture or call her parents, not wanting to face the reality of the situation if it was different from what she thought she was seeing. Katya looked at herself for a little longer, smiling and making funny faces. She liked the way the red, black, and beige lines moved and twisted.

Eventually she packed up the mess on the counter. Katya watched the news while scrolling through Twitter for an hour, read for an hour, and then watched update videos from some YouTubers she actually followed—mostly lifestyle bloggers who were into yoga—because she was 25 and loved herself. Then she washed it all off and went to bed.

 

ONE MONTH LATER

 

Katya closed the door of her locker at work and couldn't help but smile. Her new name tag was turquoise and bubblegum pink and had pointy construction paper flowers surrounding the letters. It was very cute, and somehow very her.

“Bye Katya!”

“Have a good night, Katya!”

Her coworkers called after her as she left for the night, maybe overusing her new name, but Katya knew they were trying. That was all she was asking.

Her first day out at work had gone well. With the email management had sent to all the staff and the instructor name change on all the schedules, members and coworkers at the studio alike had no problem with Katya’s name and pronouns. It was 2012 now. It was L.A., of all places. It was fine. When one attendant of Katya’s classes asked where Mitya was, she told them he was taking an extended vacation back in Russia.

Sliding into her car, the rear view mirror was still adjusted so she could see her reflection. Her eyeliner and mascara were intact, though she had reapplied her red lipstick twice already and it was still disappearing at the inside of her lips. She had used a white scrunchie to put her fluffy, curly golden-blonde hair into a ponytail that barely hung to her neck, poofing the front so it rose high off her forehead, and only a few strands had come loose at the sides.

Her makeup looked good. Her hair looked good. She felt great. As she navigated the busy L.A. streets home, Katya thought about the hours she had labored to get to this point, the years she had worried over figuring out the type of man she thought she wanted to look like. She remembered the heartfelt conversations with Courtney from work and Ginger from college, teary phone calls with her parents, appointments convincing doctors she needed hormone replacement therapy, shopping trips being nervous and sweaty in the wrong section. She remembered all the hills she had trekked up blindly, hoping the view at the top would be beautiful.

Katya tried not to think about the hours of Trixie Mattel’s tutorials she had watched. She tried not to think about the woman her brain thought she was friends with because her mind knew that the human body was not built for YouTube; people were never meant to bond with others they had only seen in videos.

But Katya was stuck on her. She was stuck on the happy voice and dry humour. The glittery eyes and matte lips. The blonde curls and pink clothes. Katya didn’t watch her videos with a desperate fervour anymore, clamouring for information, but she was funny, and Katya liked the way she thought and talked about things. When Katya got home, she typed out a message to Trixie Mattel anyways. Trixie’s DMs on Twitter were open, so Katya sent it through that and put on a Bob the Vlogger video while she made dinner.

 

@katya_zamo: Hi Trixie! I know you probably won't read this, but I want to thank you for being an awesome person and a great YouTuber, and your beginner’s makeup tutorial. I never would have learned makeup without it, which has been a huge part of my journey to coming out as a trans woman. Today was my first day wearing makeup at work and I felt amazing. Thank you.

 

ONE WEEK LATER

 

@TrixieMattel: Katya, thank you SO much for messaging me. Thank you for sharing your story. All I am trying to do is help people be themselves and feel beautiful while they do it, so this is the best thing I could ever hope to accomplish. Please let me know if there's anything else I can do. [heart with a ribbon emoji]

 

Twitter

@TrixieMattel followed you.

 

TWO DAYS LATER

 

Katya @katya_zamo

Hold your ear to my pussy and hear the howling winds of uncertainty.

 

Trixie Mattel @TrixieMattel

@katya_zamo hi can we be friends please?

 

Katya @katya_zamo

@TrixieMattel my mom won't let me have friends until my rash clears up

 

FIVE DAYS LATER

 

Trixie Mattel @TrixieMattel 

New video tomorrow. In the meantime send beauty questions so I don't have to come up with my own content for next week

 

Katya @katya_zamo

@TrixieMattel Best red lipstick that lasts all day? 

 

ONE WEEK LATER

 

Trixie Mattel @TrixieMattel

Ask Plastic episode 4: best bb cream, all day long lips, and selfie angles to avoid. youtu.be/fake12url34

 

TWO DAYS LATER

 

Trixie Mattel @TrixieMattel

Had so much fun helping my BEST FRIEND KIM CHI out with this! Congrats on 500k subs !!! youtu.be/vid_e_0

 

Hannah @h0tp0cket

@TrixieMattel capitalizing off your friend’s success much?

 

Trixie Mattel @TrixieMattel

@h0tp0cket If you can't sell the accessories separately, get in the box with the prettier packaging

 

TWO DAYS LATER

 

Trixie Mattel @TrixieMattel

Do any of you even follow my tutorials or just come up with wrong spellings for my name in the comments

 

ella @joeygraceffan

@TrixieMattel i did your ‘get kissed on the first date’ look thanks it did not work pic.twitter.com/p1ctures

 

Barbara @Foster54

@TrixieMattel proof i listened to this fool pic.twitter.com/p2ctures

 

Trixie Mattel @TrixieMattel

Just kidding! I love seeing all your beautiful overlined lips (emphasis on the OVER) but I was KIDDING. 

 

Trixie Mattel @TrixieMattel

If you're going to flood my mentions like this I'm going to make another selfie angles video… 

 

Trixie Mattel @TrixieMattel

I love jokes and joking about things

 

@katya_zamo: Contour tutorial I live and breathe by… I’ll flood your notifications anytime, mom

 

@katya_zamo: [Image: Katya is looking away from the camera with a small smile on her red lips. Bright, cold light is illuminating the makeup on her cheeks.]

 

TWO DAYS LATER

 

@TrixieMattel: Beautiful selfie beautiful woman ! That lipstick looks great, I hope it lasts all day. [sparkling heart emoji] [sparkling heart emoji] [sparkling heart emoji]

 

@katya_zamo: It works so well, I need an entire bottle of dish soap and a blood sacrifice to take it off. Worth it to get in touch with my past life as a high-class Russian whore. 

 

TWO DAYS LATER

 

Katya’s foot tapped impatiently as the red progress bar climbed sideways a fraction of an inch at a time. She knew this process took hours, but she couldn't pull her eyes away from the video as it loaded.

She looked it over again. She liked the title, “Katya’s 30-minute Morning Yoga”, because it was simple. Since the video was mostly to send to people who couldn't afford to attend her yoga classes every day, Katya didn't want to pack it full of buzzwords. She had already picked a random frame of herself in a strong pose for the thumbnail. The short description directed people to her studio’s website. 

Maybe Katya should explain some more, she suddenly thought. Maybe she should write more about herself in the description. Maybe her profile shouldn’t claim she was ‘the sweatiest woman on YouTube’. Maybe—

Her phone buzzed on the desk next to her. Katya sent a silent thank you to whoever was listening and grabbed her phone and left the room. When she read the notification, she realized the deity she had to thank was none other than Trixie Mattel.

 

@TrixieMattel: Oh honey, if you aren't chanting in front of a pentagram, you're not doing makeup. 

 

Trixie Mattel @TrixieMattel

Which YouTuber do I think looks like John Cena dressed up as Cameron Diaz? Ten whole minutes of roasting people who are much more famous than me youtu.be/can_you_believe

 

Katya @katya_zamo

@TrixieMattel If Sasha Velour is the Björk of beauty vlogging, then you’re Michael Cera

 

@katya_zamo: I go full Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom just to get my eyeliner done. I'm just trying to take whatever would have gotten me arrested 100 years ago and walk into the room purse first.

 

THREE DAYS LATER

 

Twitter

@TrixieMattel liked your tweet. 

 

@TrixieMattel: Purse first honey? Sounds like me at Chanel honey wearing no.1 and picking up every bag I can see

 

@katya_zamo: [crying laughing emoji][crying laughing emoji][crying laughing emoji]

 

ONE DAY LATER

 

Trixie Mattel @TrixieMattel

Please send professional sibling wrangler immediately

 

Katya @katya_zamo

@TrixieMattel On my way mom [unicorn emoji][chain emoji]

 

Twitter

@TrixieMattel liked your tweet.

 

THREE DAYS LATER

 

Trixie Mattel @TrixieMattel

Singing my SISTER’s makeup routine?! @farrahrized is back bitches youtu.be/sistercollabaww

 

THREE DAYS LATER

 

@TrixieMattel: What do you think of my Bob the Vlogger look? (Shrine not pictured)

 

@TrixieMattel: [Image: Trixie is making a sultry face, looking down to show off her silver eyeshadow and long winged eyeliner. Her hair is straightened and teased up into a bump that’s held back by a headband. She has redrawn her eyebrows high up her forehead. Her contour is soft and her lipstick is a deep blue.]

 

@katya_zamo: That is weirdly accurate. Those brows are so fierce! You’re cuter as a Barbie though. 

 

FOUR DAYS LATER

 

Trixie Mattel @TrixieMattel

Transforming into my YouTube crushes !!! I will never kiss Gigi Gorgeous, Bob the Vlogger, or Hannah Hart. But I can look like them ! youtu.be/gay_content

 

ONE DAY LATER 

 

@TrixieMattel: The brows took FOREVER. Given I'm looking at these faces all day and night, it really shouldn't have taken me 12 hours to film. And thanks :)

 

@katya_zamo: Never meet your heroes, not even in the mirror. Maybe if you stopped looking at them at night so much you wouldn't have been so distracted. 

 

@TrixieMattel: Excuse me? That incognito tab that’s always open on my phone is none of your business. 


	2. Friends, Strangers, or Something Else

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was so natural for Katya to type out the reply as she trekked from her car towards the yoga studio. With the rapport she and Trixie had built, only her subconscious stopped to think about the fact that Katya was giving advice to a semi-professional beauty vlogger. She almost realized it was happening as she hit ‘send’, but the train of thought was interrupted by Courtney slumping into her.  
> “Morning Kats,” She yawned, walking the final three steps up to the front door next to Katya.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Formatting note: things are in _italics_ if they are being read. Tweets can appear as they are posted, but they can also appear as they are read, when they will be italicized. If media is a part of a scene, it will be in italics.  
>  **Trixie** : This a text message from Trixie! My name is bolded. Texting has very straightforward formatting. :)

TWO DAYS LATER

 

@katya_zamo: I'm breaking down and investing in brushes. Best set under $50?

 

TWO DAYS LATER

 

@TrixieMattel: I wish I was famous enough to get you 30% off Too Faced. The Sephora collection has some good sets.

 

ONE DAY LATER

 

@katya_zamo: Endorsements are overrated. Everyone knows the real money is made selling your hair on eBay.

 

THREE DAYS LATER

 

Katya @katya_zamo

Can't wait to go out and smell the full and robust life-flavor of this day

 

Trixie Mattel @TrixieMattel

@katya_zamo We get it, you drink Starbucks

 

@TrixieMattel: I’m torn. Should I review Sugarpill or Mac for next week’s video?

 

ONE DAY LATER

 

_@katya_zamo: Sugarpill! I hardly know anything about them but I bought a lipstick you recommended and it's awesome._

It was so natural for Katya to type out the reply as she trekked from her car towards the yoga studio. With the rapport she and Trixie had built, only her subconscious stopped to think about the fact that Katya was giving advice to a semi-professional beauty vlogger. She almost realized it was happening as she hit ‘send’, but the train of thought was interrupted by Courtney slumping into her.

“Morning Kats,” She yawned, walking the final three steps up to the front door next to Katya.

“ _Ugh_ , who let you out of the house before noon?” Katya teased, yanking open the door.

Courtney shot Katya a pained look as she stepped inside, admitting, “I’m covering for Matt. You should be thanking me.” Katya didn't answer, just followed the hood of Courtney’s sweater into the staff room at the back of the building, passing the half dozen glass-walled rooms with hardwood flooring that Katya and Courtney taught in. In the lounge, Courtney’s bag landed on a table with a _slam_ and she scoffed. When Katya looked, Courtney was staring at her face.

“What?” Katya asked, bringing her own belongings to her locker.

“Your makeup is so perfect,” Courtney said, which Katya did not agree with, but she didn't bother vocalizing that. “I couldn't manage that if I had all day.”

“You know I watch makeup tutorials all the time,” Katya reminded, which Courtney did. She had been one of the people Katya had hung out with and talked to a lot leading up to and during her coming out at work, though never before 1pm.

Courtney turned around to start the coffee maker, and Katya watched her while she changed her shoes. “Yeah, well some of us don’t want to watch a thousand videos,” Courtney told the ground coffee, “We just want to watch one.”

“Sooorry,” Katya singsonged, “That’s not how it works.”

Suddenly, Courtney spun around. “But it could be. If _you_ made the video.”

Katya was surprised, and then felt her chest heave as she laughed, a barely-there wheezing sound.

“Kats, honestly!” Courtney said, starting the coffeemaker.

Katya sighed out of her laugh. She stammered, “Huhhh. No. I’m not, no.”

Courtney wasn’t having it, climbing to sit on a table so she could lecture Katya with her feet dangling in open air. “You’re not what? That yoga video you made was amazing. Your makeup is incredible. You know what you are?”

“A venereal disease?” Katya guessed, earning a bored look from Courtney.

“Perfect.”

Katya just shook her head as she shut her locker and gravitated towards the coffee. She thought about the beauty vloggers she watched. She thought about stumbling over words, dropping products, and fucking up her eyeliner. Katya poured herself a cup and leaned against the counter.

Courtney was looking at her, the fatigue gone from her face, usual wild eyes having returned. “Call it ‘Katya’s Perfect Yoga Makeup.’ You can promote the studio. Alyssa will love it,” She gushed, as if Katya was already filming it as they spoke.

“And then I can show the internet how to make a voodoo doll out of the body of your dead Australian friend,” Katya joked.

“Stop it!” Courtney shrieked, batting at Katya’s arm, who just giggled and shielded her coffee. “You know I take witchcraft threats seriously!”

Katya didn’t stop teasing Courtney as they set up the studio for the morning classes, but she did stop outright hating the idea of making the tutorial. She had all the puzzle pieces to make it happen; it didn’t seem too far off what Katya imagined her path through life to be. Alyssa had loved the first video Katya had uploaded. Best case scenario, Courtney watched it twice and never actually used it. Worst case scenario, it circulated through the West Hollywood yoga community before being forgotten within weeks. As Katya watched tired faces and smudged lip glosses cycle through her studio, she thought maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea.

 

@TrixieMattel: Yay! I love Sugarpill a lot, I was worried you might be sick of it. Didn't want you to overdose [sick emoji]

 

@katya_zamo: On you? I could never.

 

@TrixieMattel: [heart with ribbon emoji]

 

THREE DAYS LATER

 

Trixie Mattel @TrixieMattel

I have powder clearer than the air in LA

 

Katya @katya_zamo

@TrixieMattel I’ve been sticking my head out of my bathroom window instead of putting on contour for years

 

Twitter

@TrixieMattel liked your tweet.

 

TWO DAYS LATER

 

Trixie Mattel @TrixieMattel

I just realized my roast has the most views of all my videos. Nice

 

ONE DAY LATER

 

Trixie Mattel @TrixieMattel

Everything is pink. Her Sugarpill, her hands, her jeans youtu.be/Sugarpill_review

 

ONE DAY LATER

 

YouTube

Trixie Mattel has subscribed to you on YouTube!

 

YouTube

Trixie Mattel commented “[pink heart emoji][flexed biceps emoji]” on: Katya’s 30-minute Morning Yoga.

 

THREE DAYS LATER

 

Katya had started to hope that Courtney had forgotten all about the tutorial when she brought it up between classes in the break room. “So when is Katya going to bless us with her makeup routine?” She asked across the table, loudly, with four other people in the room.

“I filmed it,” Katya admitted, and looked down at the table. Then she looked back up as she remembered, “And edited it.” Down. Up. “And uploaded it.”

Courtney looked amazed. “Oh my god! Send it to me!”

“Yeah, I wanna know your secret,” Another instructor, Gemma added.

Katya just stared at Courtney, unapologetic. “Um. It’s private. No one else can see it.”

“Why not?” Courtney challenged.

Panic flashed in Katya’s chest, the same distressing feeling that she’d felt when she’d been notified that Trixie had subscribed to her on YouTube. Katya had literally been in the middle of uploading the tutorial a couple days before, sure it would be inconsequential and invisible, when the one person who’s opinion on this kind of thing would matter _the most_ to Katya decided to show up. “Imagine—who’s that up-and-coming Australian singer you like?”

“Troye Sivan?” Courtney tried, getting both excited and confused at the same time.

“Imagine Troye Sivan was subscribed to you on YouTube,” Katya explained. “If you didn’t actually know how to sing, you wouldn’t post a video of yourself trying to sing. He could see it.”

Courtney didn't skip a beat. “Are you telling me the beauty vlogging equivalent of _Troye Sivan_ is following you on YouTube?”

Katya didn't feel like talking anymore, and just gave them all a look like she was stuck between a rock and semi-professional makeup artist. She stuffed her face full of food and let Courtney give up. Everyone else was moving on too.

But Gemma asked, “It's not, like, Kim Chi is it?”

 _Close_ , Katya thought. _Very close_.

 

Courtney left Katya alone after that, but Trixie didn’t. Trixie and Katya were constantly sharing questions, opinions, and selfies. Trixie would tweet her reactions to _American Horror Story_ and Katya would DM her reactions to that. They would tease each other and joke around. Katya was constantly pulling herself away from in-person conversations to message Trixie, and she wondered if Trixie ever did the same.

Katya didn't know if they were friends, strangers, or something else. She liked talking to Trixie and it seemed to be the case that Trixie liked talking to her. She was pretty sure Trixie was just going to get bored of her and they would eventually fall out of touch, but of course Katya caught herself dreaming of them ending up as lifelong besties, talent and assistant, or estranged business partners.

So when Trixie asked her on a Skype date, Katya was surprised, but instantly accepted. She got her head out of her ass and switched from brainstorming what to wear at Trixie’s funeral to what to wear when they met for the first time.

 

TWO WEEKS LATER

 

“What if I,” Katya asked Ginger as they strolled through the mall, “What if I’m going on a first date, and we both want to look polished, but secretly we’re both dirty, shit-covered farmers?”

Ginger sighed, and Katya worried she was actually getting bored of the little game she was playing, trying to get decent advice out of her friend without actually telling her what was going on. “I dunno, gingham and a bolo tie?”

It sounded cute, but Katya knew it still wasn’t what she wanted. She didn’t know how to describe the look she was going for.

“Just tell me who this chick is,” Ginger asked.

So many things were swirling in Katya’s head. She didn’t know how to explain who Trixie was, what she was like, how Katya knew her, how this wasn’t a real date… “It’s complicated,” Her mouth said.

“Okay,” Ginger said, “What do you want her to think when she sees you?”

Katya gave her a confused look.

“She sees you and thinks, Katya is…”

 _Hm._ “Good at makeup. Funny. Pretty.”

Ginger laughed, full but soft, and wrapped an arm around Katya so she could turn them around and start walking in the opposite direction.

“What?” Katya asked, “What’s going on?”

“First of all,” Ginger started as she pushed Katya along, “You like this girl, in the purest, fluffiest way possible. Second, you’re going to go home and wear your favourite shirt.”

“My favourite shirt?” Katya said, confused at the thought. Her favourite shirt, as Ginger and many people knew, was a soft and thin button down made from pieces of different tiny flower prints. It was busy and dark and Katya loved it. She’d had it for years, and had no plans of giving it up soon—no matter what the little blue and white pills she was taking each morning did to her.

“Relax. If you feel good, you look good,” Ginger promised.

She wasn’t letting up, so Katya let herself be pushed as she warmed up to the idea. The shirt was kind of cool and out there. She had no idea if Trixie would like it, but Katya could have said that about anything in her wardrobe, given there wasn’t a single pink object to her name.

Katya was mentally rifling through eyeshadows that would match her favourite shirt when her eyes landed in the window of a shoe store as they walked past it.

“Wait wait wait,” Katya said, pulling Ginger to a stop.

“No, Katya—”

“Wait,” Katya repeated, not letting Ginger drag her away again. She was frozen in place, looking at a single pair of shoes on a pedestal. They were beautiful. Her mind was instantly imagining wearing them everywhere, from the grocery store to Courtney's monthly dinner parties. Katya felt like the style she had been so carefully crafting, especially in the last few months, had a natural progression that involved these specific shoes; like they had been waiting in her path for a long time.

“Those look like bondage gear your mom accidentally buys,” Ginger spat at the display.

“They’re perfect,” Katya breathed, and slowly looked over at her friend. “I need them.”

Ginger started to speak, probably to try and talk some sort of sense: “This is the kind of…”

But Katya just walked around her and strode confidently into the store. The walls were lined with sneakers and backpacks, and the sales attendant was a woman about Katya’s age. “Hi! Can I help you?”

“Yes,” Katya said, walking right up to the counter. “What are those shiny black shoes in the display?”

“Oh, the platform jellies?”

Katya smiled. “Yeah.” Then she started, face falling serious and hands falling on the counter. “Please tell me you have a size ten?”

“Let me check,” The attendant said, turning to her computer.

Ginger had also trekked into the store, saying, “Katya, I’m sure they have plenty of shoes in your size that are actually from this century, too.”

Katya just stared at the back of the monitor and drawled, “Coming from the girl who nicknamed her pussy _Full House_.”

The cashier just smiled at Katya, either secretly enjoying or ignoring the comment. “Yep, we have them. Let me grab them from the back.”

 

THREE DAYS LATER

 

_@TrixieMattel: Hey good to call?_

_@katya_zamo: Yeah my skype is katyazamo_

_@TrixieMattel: Thanks i’m bmartin_

It took Katya a second, but as she waited for Skype to open she figured out the username. Obviously ‘Mattel’ was a stage name. Katya whispered, “Beatrice Martin,” to herself, and it sounded like a foreign language to Katya’s brain.

When Trixie appeared on her screen, Katya forgot how to speak for a second. Everything was all hitting her at once and she realized she was actually talking to this person. She just sat with her mouth hanging half-open as Trixie greeted, “ _Oh my god, hi._ ”

“Hey,” Katya managed, feeling herself smile at the camera. She took in the sight of Trixie, her blonde waves hanging over her shoulders, simple makeup, pink shirt. “Wow.”

“ _It’s so nice to finally meet you_ ,” Trixie gushed.

 _Breathe. Breathe._ “Yeah! Um…This is a like a dream,” Katya admitted. Trixie giggled at that, leaning back and laughing soft laughs. Katya swallowed. “Sorry, this might be weird, should I call you, Trixie? ‘Cause I don’t—”

“ _Oh!_ ” Trixie was surprised but Katya couldn’t detect any annoyance. That was good, right? “ _Yeah, I go by Trixie everywhere except the DMV_.”

Katya nodded. “Got it.”

“ _And is your, uh, preferred name, Katya?_ ”

Katya didn’t love the phrasing of that question, but she wasn’t the person to make snap judgements, would never assume people weren’t open to learning. “My name is Katya,” She answered.

Trixie nodded a bit. “ _Right_.”

Before the single second of silence could ever start to turn awkward, Katya blurted out, “Wow, your makeup looks perfect.”

Trixie gasped and put her face closer to the camera. “ _You like it?_ ” She asked, framing it with her hands.

“Why do you think I’ve been stalking you for three months?” Katya asked.

Trixie screamed, the same shrill sound she made when Kim or Farrah said something funny in a video. Katya couldn’t believe she was talking to this woman she respected and admired so much, making her laugh, but it felt so easy and natural. “ _You're so pretty_ ,” Trixie said, “ _I like your shirt. I’m totally getting, like, the yoga instructor in L.A. who’s also a stalker_.”

Katya laughed for a second, hands shaking in front of her before she accused, “Have you been reading my diary?” They laughed. They were laughing. They were talking, like they were friends, strangers, or something else.

“ _Yeah so,_ ” Trixie said, “ _Thanks for messaging me the first time. It meant a lot_.”

Katya softened. “You really helped me, you did,” She promised. “Now I just watch for the dad jokes.”

Trixie’s face lit up and she proclaimed, “ _Oh honey, dad jokes? It’s good to know I'll have one subscriber forever_ .” Katya pulled a skeptical face, and Trixie smiled as she went on. “ _What about your subscribers, huh? Are gonna make more videos for us?_ ”

Katya suddenly swelled with nerves, managing, “Oh. No. I'm nowhere near your level.” She hoped she didn't sound presumptuous, or rude, or—

“ _It's not about being on anyone's level_ ,” Trixie said, seeming earnest through the camera, “ _It's about doing what makes you happy, and expressing yourself_.”

Katya just looked at the camera, at Trixie’s blue eyeshadow. She could feel that her face was still pinched up. It wasn't like she could tell Trixie the truth! “No, I wouldn't know what to do.”

Trixie was still really enthusiastic, shrugging and pointing as she talked. “ _Make more yoga videos. You can do anything. I know you love YouTube, and your video production is amazing._ ”

Suddenly Katya regretted putting her name all over the description of the yoga tutorial, claiming credit for everything from the lights to the editing. Really, she didn't know what Trixie wanted. But it sounded like that just meant she didn't know what she wanted herself. “If I posted a makeup tutorial,” Katya posed, “And it was the shittiest, most awkward, worst—”

“ _I would like it, leave a nice comment, and if you wanted, we could talk about how to make the next one better_.” Trixie’s big brown eyes were staring straight into the camera and out at Katya.

That was an offer. A big offer, coming from someone who had marginal authority on this shit. But Katya still felt gross. She was surprised by the proposal, but beyond that, she hadn't expected Trixie to say anything different. She was still unsure. “I don't know. I know there aren't a lot of trans women on YouTube,” She said, and Trixie nodded solemnly. This was heavy, and Katya didn't want to dwell on it, so she sat up and put the animation back in her voice. “Anyways, when are you going to collab with Bob the Vlogger?”

Trixie started with excitement at the sound of Bob's name but said, “ _Oh, Bob doesn't know I exist_.” She waved her hands around and pushed her blonde waves back over her shoulder.

Katya raised her hands. “I thought she liked one of your tweets.”

“ _I have her on text alert_ ,” Trixie said, “ _I would have seen_.”

“Well I have _you_ on text alert, and I almost missed the livestream last week.” Katya hoped that didn't make Trixie remember she was just an annoying fan, but Trixie just laughed and moved to check her Twitter for any Bob sightings.

They talked and laughed and fact-checked like that for over an hour. Trixie volunteered stories about anonymous hate and Katya volunteered tales from the yoga studio. They learned just how quick each other’s wit was and both endured a little teasing. Katya confessed the bluegrass instrumentals Trixie used in her videos made her want to listen to 'shit like Dolly Parton’, and Trixie looked like she had won the lottery.

Eventually, Trixie admitted the amount of editing still needed for the video she was planning to post the next day, and Katya agreed to let her go.

“ _This was super fun. We should do this again_.”

 _Breathe. Breathe._ “I agree,” Katya added, ever the diplomat, “Well, I'll see your face tomorrow, but if you want to see mine, just message me.”

“ _Here, I'll give you my number_ ,” Trixie decided, leaning towards her computer, and the sound of clicking reached the microphone.

Katya’s computer dinged as the message appeared in the chat box. “Alright, um. Good luck with editing. I'll text you.”

“ _I’ll talk to you soon_.”

“Okay. Bye.”

“ _Bye_ ,” Trixie said, and the video froze on her smiling face as the call ended.

Katya flopped backwards on her bed. Her mind was racing. Trixie Martin was a real human person. That had been a real, collaborative conversation.

The laptop made a noise as a random email came in, and Katya sat up, ignoring her inbox in favour of grabbing her phone. The Skype chat box was still open on screen, and Katya plugged Trixie’s number into a new contact.

 **_Katya_ ** _: Hi it's fancy Russian hooker you order_

 **_Trixie_ ** _: Please tell me my name is the Michael Cera of beauty vlogging in your phone_

 **_Katya_ ** _: [Image: A screenshot of her recent SMS conversation with Trixie, where it displays Trixie’s contact name at the top as 'Barry B. Benson’.]_

 **_Katya_ ** _: Oh honey_

 **_Trixie_ ** _: I hate you_

 **_Katya_ ** _: [yellow heart emoji]_


	3. She’s Gay. Which is Good.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “ _Shut up, you're hilarious_ ,” Trixie said. The video skipped, and the pink and blonde pixels that made up Trixie's figure jumped around the screen.
> 
> Katya waited until she loaded. Trixie was just sitting, looking at the screen, and after a second Katya realized that she must be doing the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Video previews: Chronologically, video previews appear when the video is posted. I include them when they are relevant to the plot or characterization, or just to make you smile.
> 
> **Title of the video is bolded**  
>  The title will be followed by a description of what is happening in the video. These previews do not describe the entire video, because that would take forever to write; the rest is left to your own imaginations. :)

ONE WEEK LATER

 

Katya stared at her laptop. The text cursor flashed at the end of the Twitter DM she had typed out to Trixie, but otherwise the screen was still. She read the last messages they had sent, their Skype names. Katya looked at her phone, wondering if it would buzz and distract her. Katya looked up, down, all around, over her entire living room looking for a sign that she shouldn't send the message.

She sighed and looked back to the text, the flashing line.

Katya thought, _Whatever. If Trixie ends up hating me and ruining my whole career and life, I'll just live with it_. She clicked 'send’.

Before the thumbnail of the private YouTube video could load, she closed the window. She didn't want to know. She didn't want to see. It didn't matter, right? Trixie probably wouldn't even care. Katya shut her laptop for good measure, and blasted Russian electronic pop music while she made dinner. She consciously focused on translating every word of the songs into French to keep her brain busy, and it worked, not realizing as she slipped into a repetitive daze. Fifteen minutes later, when her phone buzzed, and Katya picked it up cheerfully, wondering who it could be.

_@TrixieMattel: Katya this is awesome !! We can Skype but it's perfect as is [double heart emoji][double heart emoji][double heart emoji]_

Katya locked her phone again and dropped it on the counter. She groaned for her kitchen to hear. Katya breathed. She braced her arms against the edge and leaned over it, breathing, until the tightness in her chest had mostly subsided. She picked it up again.

_@katya_zamo: You’re too nice. Are you free tomorrow night?_

 

TWO DAYS LATER

 

“Oh yeah, I posted it last night,” Katya admitted to the break room at work, recalling the Skype call with Trixie during which she had laughed and breathed easy as she’d monetized her account and made the video public. It was no big deal.

“What about your famous fan?” Courtney teased.

“Oh,” Katya said, waving her fork around in the air, “That’s nothing. She’s helping me now.”

Courtney looked impressed. Katya pulled the video up on her phone and sent it to her and everyone who asked. They spared her the embarrassment of watching it right then. Courtney just gave her a big, soft smile.

 

 **_Trixie_ ** _: Can I tweet your video?_

 **_Katya_ ** _: No offense but I'm sure the percentage of your fans who are also yoga enthusiasts is very small_

 **_Trixie_ ** _: You do realize we have the exact same sense of humour right?_

Katya thought back to Trixie watching her video while they Skyped, and how she kept stopping it to laugh at Katya’s jokes. Katya hadn't thought Trixie would even realize that referring to the contour colour as ‘a haunting Oda Mae Brown’ was supposed to be funny. She imagined the small army of gay women who religiously stanned Trixie putting on black eyeshadow and blood red lips. Her brain imagined everything from being booed off of YouTube to getting doxxed and thrown in jail to reaching a billion subscribers and getting elected President in 2028.

Just kidding. Katya couldn't be President; she hadn’t been born in America.

Katya forgot about politics and reminded herself that nothing mattered.

 **_Katya_ ** _: You really don’t have to but it’s your account!_

 **_Trixie_ ** _: Katya. Life is about exploiting your friends for cold hard cash_

 **_Katya_ ** _: I’d still be your #1 fan if you sold perfume at the mall_

 **_Trixie_ ** _: Bitch I DO sell perfume at the mall_

 **_Katya_ ** _: Oh yeah )))))_

 **_Katya_ ** _: Btw does your Macy’s sell jellies?_

 **_Trixie_ ** _: What is that lol_

 **_Katya_ ** _: Best shoes ever!_

 **_Katya_ ** _: [Image: Katya’s feet wearing her black jellies.]_

 **_Trixie_ ** _: Oh wow. I hope we don’t sell those_

 **_Trixie_ ** _: You definitely have the confidence of a youtuber to be seen in public wearing those_

 **_Katya_ ** _: I will take that compliment ))_

 

Trixie Mattel @TrixieMattel

Fact: @katya_zamo is hilarious and incredible. Go watch real makeup wisdom from the sweatiest woman on YouTube youtu.be/katya_yoga_makeup

 

ONE WEEK LATER

 

Katya’s makeup tutorial had 20 000 views and 50 comments, most of them nice. Her channel had 9 000 subscribers. Ginger promised she had watched it a dozen times. Courtney had sent Katya a selfie of the exact replica, and pointed out specific tips she was going to use everyday.

Katya couldn’t deny it. It was going really well, and it was making her feel happy. Her friends were making her feel loved. She felt validated and important. People thought Katya was pretty, smart, and funny. It all made her want to do it all over again, and she knew that she was on a path to something good.

 

TWO WEEKS LATER

 

**Yoga for YouTubers - Katya Zamolodchikova**

 

Katya sat down on the ground in front of the camera. Her hair was poofed and pulled back in the white scrunchie she always wore for yoga, and she sported leggings, running shorts, and a tank top with a built-in bra. “Hi everyone!” She greeted. While she talked, she looked around and fidgeted with her hair. “I’m Katya and welcome to another video! Thanks so much for liking, subscribing, watching, whatever it is you’ve done. My first two videos have been doing great so thank you so much for that. I love making these and I think I’m kind of perfect at it.

“Now that I know everything about being a YouTuber I thought I would make this video. YouTubers’ bodies are just so inherently different from regular people’s. When Mr. YouTube picks you to be a vlogger he actually rips your limbs off and replaces them with cyborg parts.

“I actually have a ring light in my left hand.

“So it’s very important to, to exercise your limbs,” Katya explained, as she stood up and walked back to her yoga mat. “We start with upward salute. Salute the sun that gives us tan skin. Or if it’s nighttime, salute the moon that gives us werewolves and periods…”

 

 **_Trixie_ ** _: omg. Yoga for utubers. Brb dying_

 **_Katya_ ** _: Wish I had shown you first?_

 **_Trixie_ ** _: I want you all to myself_

 **_Trixie_ ** _: No bitch spread your wings and fly! Post all the goddamned content you can make. It’s amazing_

It was more out-there than her makeup tutorial, that was for sure. Katya had pored over the comments she’d gotten—ignoring the negative ones—and noted the one-liners people had referenced claiming they were crying and dying. She had figured out what people had found funny and ran with that. It had been easy, and natural, and everything Katya had been wanting to do but felt unsure about.

It was going really well, and it was making her feel happy. It all made her want to do it all over again, and she knew that she was on a path to something real.

 **_Trixie_ ** _: Must skype soon though [heart with ribbon emoji]_

 

THREE WEEKS LATER

 

**Everything I Know About Makeup - Katya Zamolodchikova**

 

Katya was sitting at an empty table with a blank white background behind her. Her arms were up in the air, holding a black leather makeup bag, and she stared into the lens as she dumped the bag out and dozens of product clattered onto the table.

It cut to her smiling and leaning over the table like she was trying to sell it. “Hi everyone! I’m Katya and welcome to another video. I know I’m hardly wearing any makeup at all,” She said, which was true, “We’ll get there.

“Makeup! What is it? Who has it? How to use it? All that and more will be answered, right here, right now. Not really.”

Katya grabbed a black tube. “Mascara!” She announced, and as she talked, she opened it up and started blinking it onto her eyelashes. “It goes on your eyes. Best applied…with a steady hand. And remember, waterproof mascara fucks up your eyelashes, and severely reduces the drama of crying in public.

“Lipstick,” Katya said, holding up three red cylinders. “The only colour that matters, is red,” She informed, swiping the brightest shade she had onto her lips, “Unless you’re a sad goth like me, you can wear black, but only on Halloween…”

 

TWO WEEKS LATER

 

Katya was lying on her bed, scrolling through notifications and liking nice comments on her videos when the Skype ringtone sounded. After a few calls with Trixie, Katya didn’t worry at all anymore. She contorted up to sit cross-legged and answered.

“Hi!” Katya greeted, smiling and waving at the camera for Trixie.

“ _Heyyy_ ,” Trixie sounded. Her makeup tonight was minimal and she was snuggled up in a big pink sweater. Katya knew she lived in L.A., that they both lived in L.A.. While the heat had backed off with the start of September, Katya didn’t think it was quite sweater weather, but she would allow it.

“Your back-to-school video was so cute,” Katya gushed, referencing Trixie’s latest upload.

But Trixie didn't look totally taken with the compliment. “ _Uh. Yeah, thanks… It's not actually doing that well_.”

Katya didn't respond. She knew. The video was classic Trixie; it was funny, and good quality, but Katya could tell when she watched it, from the likes and views it had, that the growth Trixie had previously been seeing had slowed to a steady viewership.

Trixie looked around. “ _Maybe everyone's just older than I thought. Forget it. Tell me your makeup video is killing it_.”

Katya smiled at the faith Trixie had in her, but felt bad enjoying even her marginal success. “People like it. I don't know why.”

“ _Shut up, you're hilarious_ ,” Trixie said. The video skipped, and the pink and blonde pixels that made up Trixie's figure jumped around the screen.

Katya waited until she loaded. Trixie was just sitting, looking at the screen, and after a second Katya realized that she must be doing the same. Normally they conversed at a mile-a-minute. She could tell Trixie was more solemn today.

Trixie looked down for a second and then said, “ _Can I ask you something?”_   She wasn't smiling. Katya didn't know if it was the quality of the video or just her brain, but she couldn't figure out what emotion Trixie was showing at the moment.

“Yeah, of course.” Katya said. Her voice felt quiet. She felt small. She hit the brightness button on her laptop until Trixie’s silver eyeshadow shined white on the screen.

“ _Would you ever want to hang out in person?_ ” Trixie asked.

Katya was stunned for a second. “Um,” She started, pulling herself out of the surprise and longing and joy that was half-incapacitating her. “Yeah. Yes.”

“ _Really?_ ” Trixie asked, starting to grow a smile.

“Yeah, you wanna get like coffee or something?” Katya asked, managing to sound normal. It occurred to her that that was something friends did.

“ _Yeah, totally_ ,” Trixie confirmed, and looked cautious as she clarified, “ _I didn't want to freak you out_.”

Katya called her off. “No way. How's Thursday?”

They spent a minute coordinating where and when. Trixie admitted she should probably keep editing her next video, and that they could talk on Thursday. “ _Wait, I have a Tweet I wanted to show you_ ,” Trixie said, grabbing her phone.

Katya just watched her look. She listened to Trixie’s nails click against the screen and watched her eyelashes flick around. Katya felt lucky to have a friend like Trixie.

“ _Okay, I sent it,”_ She announced with an accomplished expression.

Katya snatched her phone and clicked quickly to find what Trixie had linked. She read, “ _Spandex is a right, not a privilege_ ,” barely squeaking out the last consonant before she was flailing and making hoarse noises in her throat. Trixie gave a couple loud laughs across the call.

“ _Okay okay. Bye. I’ll see you soon_.”

“Bye,” Katya answered, and the call ended.

 

FOUR DAYS LATER

 

Katya didn't worry too much about hanging out with Trixie. Trixie and Katya were friends. Katya knew that, so she didn't worry about putting on quick makeup, her new distressed denim dress, and her new bright red jellies. She was trying to grow out her hair and had curled it, letting it fall randomly off her head to touch her shoulders. She got to the cafe—some cute independent place called Alfred’s—early and relaxed on the patio with a black Americano. The dress was cut low enough that Katya’s now-AAA-cup breasts were sort of on display if you were standing really close to her, and she enjoyed the feeling of the sun on her chest and arms.

The screen of Katya’s phone turned on.

 **_Trixie_ ** _: Here_

Katya looked up, and Trixie was walking down the sidewalk towards her. Her mouth hung open in a comically huge smile and she was holding her sunglasses at the tip of her nose. Katya stood up, breathed, and took in sight of Trixie. She was wearing a short sleeve white t-shirt under a pale yellow overall skirt. Her blonde hair was spilling out around a high pony, and her graphic makeup seemed even bolder in person. “Hi!” Katya said, stepping two steps.

“Oh my god,” was all Trixie said as she wrapped Katya in a hug, towering over her even in white sneakers.

Katya felt small but important. She felt Trixie’s body press against hers. She could smell her perfume, not too strong but extremely sweet.

Trixie let her go. “Oh, you’re so pretty,” She said, “And your lipstick is awesome.”

Katya laughed twice. “Thank you! Should I compliment you before you get your coffee?” She asked, a half-serious inquiry to break the chain she knew they could fall into if one of them didn’t start joking the fuck around.

“Please,” Trixie teased in a nasal voice, batting her eyelashes. “Just kidding. I’ll be right back.”

Katya sat and looked at nothing on her phone while she waited. She crossed her right leg over her left and then switched it. She put her feet flat on the ground and pulled her chair close to the table.

“Yes, oh my god,” Trixie gushed as she came over and set her coffee on the table, her purse on the ground. “I love this place.”

Katya hadn’t heard of it. Trixie talked, and they started to chat, about coffee and L.A. and the weather—literally. They bonded over still not being used to the heat. Then they got into makeup, naming brands and products and colours and pulling things out of their bags. It was the same as everything they'd been doing before, but so much better. It was louder and brighter and more real. Katya had chalked up Trixie’s tendency to interrupt her to technical difficulties, but now she was doing it in person too. Katya didn't feel like she minded, though.

Trixie made jokes, talked, looked at Katya, and sipped her coffee. Katya watched and responded, and the whole time, slow, inaccessible feelings grew from nothing and swirled around in her chest and stomach. Katya liked this. She liked being in person with Trixie, more than she thought she would. She liked Trixie.

Then, a stupid joke steered them towards something serious, something real, and they weren't making small talk anymore.

“I use these when I, um, bed,” Trixie said, getting stuck on her words.

“You wear fake eyelashes in bed?” Katya pounced on the word association.

Trixie laughed. “No! _Bedroom eyes_ , oh my god.”

“I wouldn't be surprised. Do you ever _not_ wear makeup?” It was a joke, a tease, given Katya hadn't found any digital evidence Trixie had existed before full coverage foundation.

“No, I,” Trixie said, and Katya watched as she softened into something more reserved. Her energy was totally different when she said, “I do wear it a lot. Maybe I shouldn't.”

Katya considered that. “Like, for skin reasons?” It seemed so strange to think that Trixie could have a relationship with makeup that _wasn't_ complete and pure obsession.

Trixie looked out at the street, then down to where her hands rested on the table. “No…I still worry a lot about how my makeup, and even being a makeup artist, affects people's perception of me,” She said, and then looked back up at Katya. “As a queer woman.”

Katya nodded. “I get that. You don't really fit one mold,” She said, hoping Trixie could see how Katya related to those worries. Trixie put on a small smile. She wasn’t even close to gearing up to talk, so Katya went on. “For me, I love makeup right now. I love my clothes,” She explained, fidgeting with her hair, “But I know that I'm performing femininity to a level that happens to be acceptable to others. And that it's easy for people to call me Katya when I'm wearing red lipstick.”

Trixie nodded along, but Katya wasn’t sure she was understanding Katya until she asked, “How much of what you do is because you want to be seen as traditionally feminine?”

Katya hadn't heard Trixie talk about intellectual, conceptual things like this before, and it was surprising her. She supposed Beatrice Martin could speak more eloquently than Trixie Mattel. “Realistically, some,” Katya admitted, and tried not to shift in her chair, “But the novelty hasn’t worn off yet.” When Katya let humour into her face, Trixie matched it. Katya asked, “Do you perform?”

Trixie looked surprised. “Femininity?”

“Or a lack thereof,” Katya offered, not having seen it online, but thinking that might be what Trixie was talking about.

Trixie tapped one nail on the table a couple times before answering, “YouTube is different from everyday life, which is different from a lesbian bar, which is different from an alternate universe without social constructs. So yeah, but really, who knows?”

That struck Katya. Who did know? Katya sure as fuck didn’t understand her own brain, and it sounded like Trixie didn’t understand hers either. “Yeah,” Katya said, rolling the idea around in her mind. “Who knows?” They laughed a little bit, both at the gravitas of the question and to dispel it. Trixie watched cars putter past as she made for a sip of her cold coffee, and Katya watched her face.

 _Who knows?_ Katya liked this. She liked the way Trixie thought about things. She liked Trixie.

The slow, inaccessible feelings were suddenly all grown up inside her, warm and real and screaming _I LIKE TRIXIE!_

Like, for real liked her. Like-liked her. She really liked her. Katya breathed through the tight feelings in her chest. She felt her eyes flicker away and back to Trixie, only now not wanting to stare. Fuck, she liked Trixie, a _lot_.

Trixie made a noise in her throat, and set her cup back down. “So how's yoga?”

 _Right, yoga. Right_. Katya pulled her mind away from the gushy feelings, the first of many times she would need to that morning, and managed to answer the question.

 

“I have a crush on Trixie,” Katya admitted quite solemnly to Ginger, that night as they sipped tea on Ginger’s couch and waited for _Dance Moms_ to start. Ginger looked surprised, and Katya pulled the light blanket further up over her face.

“I knew it,” Ginger said anyways. “I'm just glad you figured it out, too.”

Katya was pretty sure Ginger was seeing the situation different from how it actually was, but she didn’t point that out. Ginger just looked at Katya like she already knew everything Katya would say, but wanted her to say it anyways. Katya conceded. “Well, she’s gay. Which is good. We get along really well. She’s a really good friend,” Katya explained.

Ginger nodded. “You like hanging out with her and stuff.”

“Yeah, exactly.”

The mischief was gone from her face now. “Do you want to have sex with her?” Ginger asked. To someone else, it may have been a weird question, but Katya could tell it was all coming from a place of support and love, where Ginger had always been for Katya. And this was something they talked about, the grand total of three one-night-stands for Katya, and Ginger’s string of short-term flings with doting co-stars.

Katya just knew she didn’t want to think about it, maybe not right then, which her brain turned into a joke: “How about I get back to you at about, three a.m. tonight.”

Ginger rolled her eyes and said, “You’re gross,” which made Katya laugh. Katya held her tea close and shook out the giggles. When Ginger finally looked at her again, she didn’t speak, but said a lot with her silence, her expression. Katya read it easily. She knew Ginger was giving her the opportunity to speak on it, on sex, Trixie, anything she was worrying about. But Katya didn’t want to, couldn’t formulate concepts or sentences in her mind about it at the moment. She just grabbed the remote and unmuted _Dance Moms_ which had started a minute ago, and let herself get lost in the music and the screaming.

 

That night, after she and Ginger had engaged in enough shit-talking and revelry to soothe their souls until their calendars aligned again, Katya went home and went to bed. She couldn’t help it. She thought about Trixie. Her talking, her lips. Trixie kissing Katya. Their bodies pressing together, clothes disappearing…

Okay, so, Katya really _really_ liked Trixie.

She didn’t let herself think so specifically on that for much longer. Katya thought of faceless people with genitals that changed sometimes, until her breath was catching in her throat and a pleasant haze set over her brain. She focused on a black dot in the middle of her brain until she fell into deep, dreamless sleep.

 

ONE WEEK LATER

 

Katya sat down in front of the camera, surrounded by her new setup. She settled into the chair, did a couple audio and video tests, and then got started. “Hi everyone! I’m Katya and welcome to another video. I have been asked about doing a Q&A so this video is for those two people. Thanks to everyone who sent questions. Let’s do it!” She announced, throwing her arms up.

When she was sure she had the shot, Katya reached for her phone. She was planning to record the audio of the questions now and edit text cards later for them. Katya clicked around quickly until she found the list and then announced to her microphone, “ _Who are you?_ ”

Katya put the phone down just for a second to tell the camera, “A complex human person.”

She liked the next question. “ _Is teaching yoga actually your day job?_ Yes! I highly doubt Alyssa wants her yoga studio to be associated with this video, but I'm going to put a link in the description anyways. If you live in West Hollywood and want a hot and flexible body like Yuhua Hamasaki, I am the instructor for you.

“ _What do you smell like?_ Sweat, and the perfume I stole out of my late cousin’s house. I don’t know what it’s called.

“ _What’s your Halloween costume for this year?_ I just wanna be Daenerys from _Game of Thrones_ , but I don’t think I can pull it off. Dragons and that much self-confidence aren't cheap.”

The next question came in the form of a hundred-word paragraph detailing someone’s life story and sufferings. Katya made a mental note to show the whole comment on screen and send the person a quick reply, but summarized, “ _Are you transgender?_ ” And for the answer, she gave herself a moment to put on a disappointed air. “Dammit. I don't know how you clocked me. I have tits now and everything.” Katya smiled at herself as she looked for the next question. She thought that was a cute bit.

“ _Are you gay?_   Wouldn't you like to know?

“ _Are you friends with Trixie Mattel?_ ” Katya knew this question was coming. She liked to think there was a lot of mystery surrounding her. “Does encouraging, supporting, and talking to me everyday count as friendship? I don't know.”

Katya unlocked her phone and opened Trixie’s contact information, not bothering to entertain thoughts of this being stupid or annoying. She called Trixie, put it on speaker, and smirked at the camera.

“ _Hello?_ ”

“Hi Trixie, it's Katya.”

“ _Yeah what's up?_ ” She said casually. She was without suspicion and rightly so—Katya hadn't lied, they had been texting and Tweeting every day since their coffee meeting.

“Um, are we friends?”

Trixie didn’t waste a second entertaining the question. “ _Oh my g—are you filming this? I fucking saw you ask for Q &A questions on Twitter. _”

Katya laughed, shaking the phone up and down as the laughter shook out of her chest. “Trixie, Trixie, are we friends?”

“ _Yes! We're friends_ ,” Trixie practically yelled through the phone, still sounding jokingly annoyed with everything.

“So, that’s a wrap, great work everyone. I’ll see you Monday morning,” Katya joked, starting to speak to Trixie now and not the camera.

“ _I can’t. Katya, you’re…_ ”

Katya felt invincible, knowing the call was going to be hilarious when she edited it right, as she asked, “I’m what?”

“ _I don’t know!_ ”

“You’re always saying I should exploit my friends. And you—”

“ _Hold on_ ,” Trixie interrupted, but Katya didn’t find herself minding. “ _I’m doing this gimmicky fall look video and I don’t know what to wear_.”

“Let me see,” Katya offered. Her phone seemed to buzz with the MMS notification almost right away, and she listened to Trixie’s explanation as she examined the two pictures.

“ _The pink one is like, really safe and what I’ve been wearing all summer_ ,” Trixie said, about the thigh-length, long-sleeved dress in a retro pink and brown print. “ _But I love the yellow one. It has a matching headband._ ”

Katya could see the shape of the gold and crimson patterned fabric, imagine the belt pulling it tight around her chest, and hips, and—

“ _I feel like a tree nymph,_ ” Trixie elaborated, assumedly about wearing the yellow dress.

“That one,” Katya confirmed. She had to reason with Trixie for a bit, just to ease Trixie’s sourceless nerves. But Trixie agreed, admitted she had a tutorial to edit, and then lamented they needed get together again soon. They wished each other luck with their videos and Katya watched the red button on her phone screen disappear.

Katya breathed, setting her phone down, and remembering herself and the video. _Are you friends with Trixie Mattel?_   “You heard it here first: unfortunately, Trixie Mattel and I are just friends.

“ _Do you watch American Horror Story?_ I love a sexy nun fantasy as much as the next girl, so this season is my dream come true.”

 

 **Trixie** : Oh yeah appearances are $300 flat rate

 **Katya** : I'll buy Alfred’s next Saturday

 **Trixie** : Deal

 

ONE WEEK LATER

 

“First things first,” Trixie said, once she was settled across from Katya with a latte, “Your Q&A? Hilarious.”

Katya buzzed at the compliment. “Thank you,” She returned, brightly.

Trixie put down her cup after a sip and inquired, “It’s doing well?”

Katya shrugged but nodded. “Yeah.” It was.

Trixie’s face was a little smug, like she knew Katya was downplaying it, like she was happy her channel was doing so well. Then, Katya watched Trixie remember something, face lighting up. She said, “All of lesbian YouTube is gonna be all over you now.”

They both knew that wasn’t true, but Katya smiled anyways. “Because you were in my video? Or because I didn’t instantly and violently deny being gay?”

Trixie considered. “Both.”

Katya smiled. Trixie had watched her video, thought it was funny, and now they were joking about lesbian YouTube. They were looking at each other, and maybe there was something in Trixie’s eyes, Katya wasn’t sure, but she panicked and started to say, “I am—”

“I know,” Trixie cut her off to confirm, giving her a funny kind of look. “Come on.” Katya just smiled into her coffee as she swirled it around in her cup, and then Trixie asked, “You have a girlfriend?”

Katya looked at her. “Nope,” She answered, and only hesitated for half a second before admitting, “I’ve been a bit preoccupied with all _this_.” She motioned to her head and general upper body. Which was like, at least 2/5ths true, depending on your views on gender dysphoria and how it can affect the human psyche.

Trixie understood, eyebrows twitching up and she nodded.

Trixie wasn’t saying anything and Katya couldn’t think of anything she wanted her to say. Katya turned it back, “How about you?” But _obviously_ Trixie didn’t have a girlfriend, so she joked, “Have you fucked Bob yet?”

Trixie’s face flinched at the first question and then fell into a scandalized smile at the second, and she whined, “Oh my god.” Katya giggled across the table. Trixie said, “Oh! That reminds me—do you think I could be a featured creator at VidCon this year?”

Katya thought Trixie could do anything. “One hundred percent. Definitely.”

“Really?” Trixie shrieked.

Katya remembered she was talking to a real human person, with emotions and insecurities and opinions. She also remembered she had no idea what she was talking about. Katya admitted, “Well I, I hardly know anything about VidCon—”

Trixie screamed, like she couldn't help it, laughing and leaning away from the table.

Katya’s chest was fluttering as she finished, “But yeah I think so.”

“Okay,” Trixie said, “VidCon is so much fun. YouTubers do meet and greets, there's panels, presentations, merchandise, ugh.”

“That sounds awesome,” Katya offered. “What do you have to do?”

Trixie started, looking confused. “Huh?”

“What's your, like, plan?”

“Oh.” Trixie laughed. “I don't have one,” She claimed, without pride but without shame either. “I'll figure it out the week before or something.”

Katya apprehensively asked, “Is that how it works?”

Trixie shrugged. “No. But, oh my god, look at all the stuff Sugarpill is releasing for Halloween.” As Trixie clicked rapidly around a website, flashing pictures and talking, warm, weird feelings still flew around inside Katya. She tried her best to ignore them, at least for the time being.


	4. Body Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trixie answered in the nasal voice she used to mock other YouTubers, herself, and L.A.. “ _I’m just like branching out, just like spreading my wings, you know?_ ”  
> “You just have to like discover yourself,” Katya joined in, unable to resist matching her tone. “Try new things. Make a new series. Blahh.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Parentheses: These () are used for asides. They enclose additional information or dialogue that it separate but relevant.

TWO DAYS LATER

 

“She told me I was funny and then asked if I had a girlfriend,” Katya said, bouncing on an exercise ball and watching her own hair flop around in the studio mirror.

“She asked if you were single?” Courtney confirmed as she walked around cleaning up.

Katya nodded, but she thought it got lost in the bouncing, so she settled for saying, “Yep.”

Courtney was being very chill about everything. “Nice. Let me know how it goes when you ask her out.”

Katya stopped, flailing for a second before rolling off the side and landing on her ass. “Ow. You think I should ask her out?” She asked, lying her head on the cool hardwood.

Courtney's reflection gave her a look in the mirror. “Duh.”

Katya stared at the ceiling. The prospect of actually admitting that kind of thing to a girl like Trixie… “I don't know.”

Suddenly, Courtney laid her stomach on the ball and rolled until her face was hanging over Katya. “Kats, just trust me on this one.”

“Why the hell would I do that?” Katya countered.

“Because I was in a lesbian—”

“If you bring up the lesbian threesome…” Katya didn’t finish her threat, covering her face and feeling like punching Courtney's.

“It doesn't count because I'm not a lesbian, I know,” the extremely heterosexual Courtney Act qualified with the understatement of the century. She rolled backwards and walked around, pulling Katya up to sitting. “You still should,” She claimed as she knelt to roll up a yoga mat. “Ask her out. Go be gay together.”

Katya gave her another warning look but didn’t argue any further as they cleaned up, trying not to think about just how gay she wanted to be with Trixie.

 

 **Katya** : Coffee this weekend? I want to talk

 **Trixie** : Late brunch on Sunday work?

 **Katya** : Perfect

 **Trixie** : I know you are but what am I

 **Katya** : [clown emoji]?

 **Trixie** : Bitch

 **Katya** : Cunt

 **Katya** : …….ry

 **Trixie** : More like country

 **Trixie** : Ahh!!

 **Katya** : [crying laughing emoji][crying laughing emoji][crying laughing emoji]

 

SIX DAYS LATER

 

“ _You asked her out?_ ” Courtney shrieked through the phone.

“Nope. I didn't,” Katya admitted. Having just gotten back from late brunch with Trixie, definitely not in the best mood, Katya was curled on the couch clicking through Netflix shows she had already vowed never to watch.

Katya was glad Courtney had chosen this Sunday afternoon to dye her hair a slightly different shade of blonde—her chemical-covered head meant the phone was on speaker and quite a distance from her mouth, making her voice a little less ear-splitting when she exclaimed, “ _What? Why not?_ ”

“I was going to,” Katya promised. “I tried.”

“ _You…Did you or did you not ask her out?_ ” Courtney insisted. She was started to sound annoyed or confused which definitely was not making Katya feel better about anything.

Katya huffed once. “I did not ask Trixie with words to go out with me.”

Various sounds including indeterminate Australian curses and clattering plastic made it through to Katya before Courtney managed, “ _Just, tell me what happened_.”

Katya let her mind skirt back over the conversation she'd been replaying constantly since she'd parted ways with Trixie an hour earlier. She didn't know if they explained anything but words came to her easily: “I told Trixie, I told her I really enjoyed getting to know her. I said I liked her a lot and she interrupted to say that she knew what I was thinking. She said that we should totally…make a video together.”

Courtney didn't say anything.

“We got off-topic, and then she left,” Katya explained, feeling like the story left out a lot of details but also moved much slower than everything had in real time. Sitting across from Trixie that morning, Katya's plan and train of thought had been almost immediately lost and never regained amongst the whirlwind of everything Trixie said and did.

“... _She just left?_ ” Courtney asked.

Katya was grasping desperately at the real point of what she was trying to say, and Courtney was missing it entirely. Katya’s voice was short when she said, “Yeah, like, an hour and a half later. When we get off-topic, we don't get back on it again.”

“ _Oh my god_ ,” Courtney mumbled. “ _I don't know what to say_.”

“Did I fuck up?” Katya posed, knowing she hadn't, but needing to ask.

“ _You just missed your chance, Kats. It wasn't meant to be_ ,” Courtney said, her gentle voice having returned. Katya felt like a student in one of Courtney’s classes and she hated it. She already knew yoga, why was she attending a class for it?

 

THREE DAYS LATER

 

Katya was stopping quickly for groceries when Trixie called her. “Hello?” She greeted, squishing the phone against her ear with her shoulder as she felt avocados.

“ _Hey what's up? You have a minute?_ ” Trixie asked.

“Yeah,” Katya confirmed, “Just attempting to buy food.”

“ _I had this idea for our video_ ,” Trixie said.

“Ooh, hit me.” Katya migrated slowly through the produce section.

“ _Okay, I was talking to Kim, you know my friend Kim Chi_ ,” Trixie started, and Katya knew she was about to rant for a bit. “ _And she was saying I should branch out if I want more subscribers. So I came up with this idea for a series… Or, the video. Wait. I can't remember which I thought of first. But I wanna do a series where I try new things, and you should help me make the first episode. You should teach me yoga!_ ”

Katya almost dropped her entire basket. That idea… The thought of teaching Trixie yoga… Katya's body just knew it was a bad idea. “No!” She heard herself say into the phone. Some other shoppers gave her weird looks.  

“ _So—what?_ ”

“No, we, I can't,” Katya stammered, struggling to weave her way through a maze of people and carts.

Trixie sounded confused. “ _You can’t teach me yoga_.”

“I just don’t think it’s a good idea,” Katya tried.

“ _Why not?_ ” Katya had learned already that Trixie did not like hearing ‘no’, especially when it came to her channel.

Katya paused in the breakfast aisle and pinched the bridge of her nose. What else could she say? Katya definitely wasn’t going to bullshit Trixie, but she still couldn’t believe it when she heard her own words implying the truth: “I’m a very…hands-on instructor.”

“ _Oh, honey, I don’t mind,_ ” Trixie gauded, “ _Put your hands on me, honey_.”

Katya’s stubs for nails scraped up her forehead and dug into her hairline. She was shaking her head, eyes closed, phone still held up on her shoulder. She was sure she looked ridiculous. Katya couldn’t think of anything for a minute.

“ _Um. Do you mind?_ ” Trixie asked, a genuine question now.

Katya ignored the hesitancy and panic. Ultimately, she said what she said next because of many things: Trixie’s pleading, wanting to make a video with Trixie because Katya had promised and it would be fun, wanting to get in front of Trixie’s half a million subscribers, and not _minding_ getting hands-on with Trixie _at all_. “Nope! Just…just checking,” Katya said, shaking herself out of her stupor. She held her phone and stood up straight, trying to orient herself inside the store.

“ _Right. If there are like, body, things—_ ”

“No!” Katya insisted, “Nothing about _that_ . I didn’t know if you _—_ ”

“ _Yeah I’m good. Are you good?_ ”

“I’m great,” Katya said, almost knocking over a chocolate bar display.

“ _Great_.”

Katya passed a haphazard pile of giant bags of gummy bears. She stopped, stared, and remembered Trixie working her way through an entire bag of these during one of their Skype calls, which were so long ago then. (“ _I'm doing the ‘Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion’ diet_ .” “God, I wish I had your discipline.” “ _AHHH no way!_ ”) Katya asked, “So you’re, uh, branching out?”

Trixie answered in the nasal voice she used to mock other YouTubers, herself, and L.A.. “ _I’m just like branching out, just like spreading my wings, you know?_ ”

“You just have to like discover yourself,” Katya joined in, unable to resist matching her tone. “Try new things. Make a new series. Blahh.”

“ _Do some drugs. Bleach my asshole. Really live for me,_ ” Trixie added, and Katya lost it, wheezing and shimmying her shoulders around to shake out the laughs. She may have stepped on someone’s foot, but she didn’t care. Trixie was laughing through the phone back at her. Then, “ _Fuck. Okay, I gotta go._ ”

“Okay. Text me,” Katya asked. “Bye.”

“ _Bye._ ”

 _Beep_.

Katya put a bag of gummy bears in her basket. She didn’t know what she planned to do with them beyond definitely not eating them herself, but she could figure that out later.

 

THREE DAYS LATER

 

Katya @katya_zamo

I just remembered the word is supposed to end this year. Well it’s been nice sharing my thoughts and diseases with you all

 

Trixie Mattel @TrixieMattel

@katya_zamo what patron tier are the diseases? I feel like i’m not getting the authentic experience here

 

TWO DAYS LATER

 

“Hey!” Trixie greeted enthusiastically when she pulled open the front door to her apartment.

“Hi!” Katya returned.

“Come on in,” Trixie said.

Katya managed to squeeze herself, a giant duffle bag, and two rolled-up yoga mats into the tiny foyer. Trixie pushed the door shut and managed to get some sort of a hug around Katya.

“Right through here,” Trixie instructed. They passed a door that opened to a bedroom and she announced, “This is where the magic happens. Just kidding, I record in there.” Trixie gestured to another door on the left wall, this one closed.

Katya felt Trixie's joke chip away at resolve she'd been carefully preparing. She breathed, and reminded herself _business friendship opportunity yoga_. Katya vaguely registered the kitchen on the right that ended with a sizeable living room. The tiny dining set was pushed against the kitchen, and an old but plush armchair and two bean bag chairs were pushed against those. Trixie's camera and lights were chilling in one corner. Trixie moved to physically help the equipment off Katya's shoulder, but Katya just let them crash to the floor all at once. Trixie gave her a look like she wished Katya would have let her help, and said, “I hope this is big enough,” looking around the room. The big window at the far wall let in a ton of natural light, making the gray walls and matte wood laminate flooring reflect white.

They talked about the space and the light and the video, Trixie and Katya sitting in the armchair and a bean bag chair, respectively, despite the weird configuration of all the furniture. Trixie clung to a giant pink notebook like her life depended on it, furiously referencing and editing as they discussed. (“All my video stuff goes in my Burn Books.” “Why are you burning books!?!” “No, that’s just what I call them. Because I burn through them so quick, and _Mean Girls_ , obviously.” “What?” “...Have you not seen _Mean Girls_?”) As ideas popped into Trixie's mind and she rushed to scribble them down, Katya just stared at Trixie's face, at her makeup that was softer than usual. She remembered Trixie joking about Katya doing Trixie’s makeup before the actual yoga and including it all in the video. Well, Trixie might have been serious, but Katya had laughed pretty hard.  

Trixie showed her the room she usually filmed in, with a white backdrop on the wall, piles of video paraphernalia, used pink notebooks, and expensive A/V equipment cases on the ground. They briefly ventured into Trixie's bedroom to pick the best pair of black leggings out of her closet. The room was messy but not dirty, pink but not monochromatic. The only thing in it was the giant pink bed, surrounded by vintage posters on the white walls. Katya extricated herself quickly, focusing on setting up the mats, and Trixie didn't shut the door while she changed.

They spent almost an hour filming the intro and outro. Trixie kept fiddling over her notebook and wanting to try out different things for her new series and sometimes Katya would stumble over words, but what slowed them down the most was the laughing. They each found everything the other said hilarious. They ruined a dozen takes of them just saying their names alone with screaming and wheezing.

“There has to be at least one good one,” Trixie reasoned, after perhaps one too many weird, roundabout explanations of her new series.

Katya suddenly remembered why they were there, and what Trixie might suggest they do next. “Are you sure?” She asked, hovering behind the camera.

“Yeah let’s do this,” Trixie insisted, ditching her notebook.

“Okay, yeah,” Katya confirmed, remembering her boundaries, trying to get into a professional mindset. The mats were lined up next to each other, the first camera facing them head-on, and the second recording them on an angle for when they faced sideways. Katya ensured both were rolling. She shook out her limbs as she migrated to her mat, Trixie just staring and smiling at her. Katya sort of paused for a moment.

Trixie gestured towards the camera for her to start.

Katya breathed, and then smiled at the camera. “Alright. We are going to keep things simple for our friend Tracey. Let’s start with the upward salute,” She said, drawing a circle until her hands met high above her head. “Salute the—”

“Periods and tanning, we know,” Trixie interrupted, and Katya looked over to see Trixie in position. Normally her brain would automatically evaluate her form, but Katya seemed to be stuck on how Trixie's shirt clung smoothly to her breasts and stomach. “You know, South Beach Tanning also works.”

Katya lowered her arms. “For who? Not you, mama,” She joked, reaching over to pinch the pale skin of Trixie's arm.

Trixie laughed once, scandalized, and flinched away and out of position. She quickly recovered. Trixie flipped her ponytail over her shoulder and put on her nasally voice, mocking, “Just because I live in L.A. doesn't mean I need to be tan all the time.”

Katya considered that, still staring at Trixie. “Is there anything more typical white woman in L.A. than yoga?”

“Bitch!” Trixie yelled, smiling at the read. She waved her hands around for a second before looking pointedly at Katya. “Yoga!” She exclaimed, pushing Katya back to her mat with the flat of one hand. “Yoga yoga yoga.”

“Right, yoga,” Katya answered, realigning her train of thought away from making Trixie laugh and back to making Trixie flexible. “Okay. Tree pose,” Katya announced, stepping into it perhaps a bit unceremoniously.

Katya fell easily into her instructor mode then, or at least kept it going parallel to all the other shit in her brain. She urged Trixie to raise her elbows higher, bend her knees deeper, and demonstrated exaggerated poses until Trixie got close enough. Trixie was following along decently well, Katya leading with ample distance between them, until they got to the second Warrior pose.

“Look at me,” Katya asked, standing facing Trixie. “Turn your _hips_ towards me,” She instructed, but Trixie still couldn't manage it. Her feet were right but her hips were throwing off the entire rest of the pose, pointing mostly forwards and leaning awkwardly.

“Like that?”

Katya met Trixie's eyes. She looked down at her hips. She knew exactly what to do to help Trixie perfect the pose, but she hesitated, not wanting to get closer than was absolutely necessary. Katya looked at her face again. It should be such an easy pose, but Trixie seemed unable to copy Katya, follow instructions, nothing. “Are you doing this on purpose?” She asked suddenly.

“What?” Trixie said, confused, front arm stuck out in front of her dropping.

 _Okay. She’s clueless. I have to help her._ “Never mind,” Katya said quietly and took the two steps up to Trixie's awkwardly posed body. “Like this.” Katya put her hands gently on Trixie's hips, then firmly turned her torso to face Katya, opening up her stance.

“Ohhh,” Trixie narrated, looking down at her body and then smiling up at Katya.

Katya swallowed. “And then,” She said, pushing her hips to the side so Trixie would bend her right leg and straighten her left, leaning into the Warrior pose.

Their eyes were locked. Trixie just looked at Katya, smiling, following her hands easily. Katya held her in the proper position for a moment…and then let go and backed up.

“Yeah so, um, you should feel that in your inner thighs,” Katya informed, pretending to be examining her legs or something but not really looking at anything.

“Yeah,” Trixie said, leaning into the pose a bit more. “I feel it.”

But _fuck_ her arms were still wrong. Katya forced herself not to say 'um’ and managed to instruct, “Make sure your shoulders are in line with your hips.”

Trixie scanned her own body quickly. “What?”

Katya groaned internally, knowing what was coming next. Why had she agreed to this? Katya had only seen good things come from randomly announcing her feelings at any and all times, like she was climbing a mountain and throwing her limbs out randomly, not looking as she grabbed and kicked. It sounded dangerous, but it had never done her wrong; why had she kept her mouth shut this time? “Your shoulders,” Katya said, curling her hands over them and turning them forwards. “In line with your hips,” She repeated, touching her hips quickly so Trixie could have the physical reference.

“Ohhh,” Trixie hummed with understanding, straightening her back and arms as she finally figured out the pose.

“Perfect!” Katya praised, stepping back again. She scurried to return to the pose herself, and started a mental timer for ninety seconds.That hadn’t been so bad, had it?

They continued filming as they settled into the yoga routine rhythm. Katya and Trixie moved slowly but consistently through various easy poses, with Katya demonstrating and usually setting Trixie’s limbs into place with her hands, before they each actually did the work of holding it, stretching, actually working out. They talked and laughed some, more than Katya had expected, but not much that it took over the video.

After about an hour and a half of filming, they had cycled through a dozen poses and had done about half an hour of actual yoga. Katya knew it was going to be a good video: different, fun, and funny. Especially when Trixie insisted Katya show her how to stretch her splits.

Katya told her to do a left lunge and try to straighten her back leg, but as it had become clear that day, Trixie’s balance ranged from poor to dangerous. Katya quickly stepped in to try and help keep her upright. Trixie settled for grabbing both of Katya’s hands, using her arms to hold herself up. Katya bent her knees and flexed on instinct so Trixie could support herself. Katya watched her face, watched her concentrate. There were beads of sweat in her hairline. Trixie's makeup was still intact, for the most part.

“Okay, you should feel it on the front of your right leg,” Katya said, not entirely sure if Trixie was stretching her legs at all.

Trixie leaned into it, pulling down on Katya's hands. She was nowhere near a split, not even close, but still announced, “Oh, that feels fucking sexy.”

Katya couldn't help it, she knew the feeling. Her body curled and lowered as she laughed and bounced in place.

Which meant Trixie almost fell over again. “Katya!” She yelled, yanking on her hands.

Katya quickly righted herself and Trixie. “Sorry sorry sorry,” Katya promised. “Alright. Don't get too excited. Now bend your right leg and straighten your left.”

Trixie started to shifted her weight backwards, but Katya knew Trixie was falling the instant it started to happen, both feeling her moving and watching Trixie’s face as she also realized. A millisecond later, she realized Trixie was taking Katya with her.

Katya didn't even have time to swear in her head before Trixie was falling backwards and away from Katya, pulling Katya fast and hard down on top of her. Trixie crashed onto the ground and then they were just a pile of limbs and hair, everywhere.

Trixie was laughing, hands idly wrapped around Katya’s still, so Katya was laughing. She couldn't move she was laughing so hard. They were so close, a little sweaty, looking at each other and—

“Uh, Trixie?” A stranger's voice appeared out of nowhere.

Katya's brain rebooted and she pushed herself off Trixie, who just yelled, “VIOLET!” excitedly and accepted Katya's help in standing up. For a moment, Katya wasn't thinking about who this person was or why they let themself into Trixie's apartment. Katya was laughing and having fun with Trixie. They were friends, and Katya felt like she belonged in Trixie's life; she was invincible and nothing could bring her down.

“Katya, this is my girlfriend, Violet.”

 _Oh_.

Except maybe that.

Katya's felt herself freeze, wearing a smile, as Trixie flitted over to Violet and leaned up on her bare toes to press a kiss to Violet's cheek. Katya couldn't help but notice Violet was beautiful, skinny as fuck, wearing perfectly blended, sultry makeup and a rather bored smile. Of course Trixie, full-time Macy's beautician and part-time YouTuber, had a model for a girlfriend.

Girlfriend. Trixie had a girlfriend.

Katya could feel the ingenuity in her jaw when she forced herself to smile and breathe. Ugly, hot jealousy was swirling around inside her as she took two steps forwards. “Hi, Katya,” She introduced, shaking Violet's hand. _Girlfriend. Why didn't I know she had a girlfriend?_

“The sweatiest woman on YouTube, I know,” Violet answered, surprising Katya. Despite never even imagining Violet existed, she apparently knew all about Katya. “So is Trixie the perfect housewife yet?” Violet crooned. Katya's stomach turned as Trixie let herself be pulled into Violet's side.

Katya wagged a finger. “That's three-fifty a session.”

“Hello, businesswoman,” Trixie joked enthusiastically.

Before Katya could bite back, Violet turned to Trixie and said, “Hey, I only have an hour.”

Trixie’s voice fell flat when she acknowledged, “Oh yeah.” She looked at Katya. “We're good, right?”

Katya realized they had shot all the footage Trixie would need for the video, but wouldn't have protested either way, with the way Violet's hand was sliding over Trixie's leggings. Katya had a pretty good idea what they only had an hour for. “Yeah, for sure.”

She moved to start breaking down the camera rigs. She wasn’t looking, and Trixie and Violet’s voices lowered, but Katya could still hear them. “You excited?” Trixie asked quietly as Katya stopped the second camera recording.

Katya heard Violet hum and say, “Should be fun,” then the smack of somebody’s lips. Everything was starting to feel just a little bit surreal to Katya. Where was she? Was she actually at the apartment of someone she’d once idolized?

“Okay, go wash your face,” Trixie instructed. Katya was rolling up one of the yoga mats when Trixie came over and started on the second. “Thank you, so much Katya, this was so much fun,” Trixie gushed as they crouched next to each other.

“Yeah, same,” Katya returned stupidly. She felt like she was talking to a completely different person, and tried to remember how close she had felt to Trixie before Violet had showed up. This was still Trixie. This was still her friend.

Trixie started detaching the first camera from its tripod. Katya mirrored on the second. They could hear the water running in the bathroom.

“So how come you haven’t mentioned Violet before?” Katya asked, because she was curious.

Trixie just looked confused. “I haven’t?” She said, and carried the camera over to the table.

Katya decided that was the best answer she could have hoped for. _Fuck, say something_. “I know the video took a while; I hope I didn’t mess up your plans tonight,” Katya offered, knowing that nothing was her fault.

“No way,” Trixie assured, giving Katya a look as they started to break down the tripods. “Violet just has a cast party tonight for this runway she was in, and I’m doing her makeup.”

 _Makeup_. Right, an hour for makeup. But as Katya tried to enjoy the weird relief that information gave her, she realized something else. “Wait,” Katya said, stopping with a half-disassembled tripod in her hands, “You’re actually dating a model?”

Trixie screamed and accused, “Rude!”

“No no,” Katya tried to save, unable to keep her own laughter from bubbling up, “No I’m just surprised—”

Trixie scoffed and started waving one hand around in the air. “You come into _my_ home,” She started, but didn’t finish as Katya was shaking her hands and laughing which made Trixie break down laughing too. Katya just watched Trixie, her eyes, her mouth, and the reality that they belonged to someone else was really setting in. “ _Yes_ I’m dating a model,” Trixie finally exclaimed.

Katya was still smiling from the laughter endorphins, so despite the agony starting to claw at her heart, she seemed genuine when she said, “That’s great. She’s seems cool.”

“I know, right?” Trixie agreed, and then joked, “What’s she doing with someone like me?”

Katya shook her head. “I didn’t say it.”

Trixie just stared at the wall as she continued collapsing the stand, a soft smile on her face. “Yeah, we met volunteering for this project of a…mutual friend. She was a model, I did her makeup…” Trixie trailed off, like it was the most romantic memory ever created.

“Then she fucked you in the janitor’s closet?” Katya finished.

“Oh my god! No!” Trixie disclaimed, but she was blushing a lot. It was cute, but Katya also kind of hated it, despite only having herself to blame for making the joke.

They made quick work of breaking down and packing up, flitting around the apartment and bouncing editing ideas around. Violet escaped from the bathroom at one point, and Katya was dismayed to find out that she was absolutely and undeniably pretty, adorable, and cute without makeup on. In no time at all it felt like, Katya’s three hours in Trixie’s apartment were over and she was being ushered out the door. With the promise of a ridiculous amount of wireless communication from Trixie, Katya went home, trying to think about anything other how deeply and thoroughly fucked she was.


	5. Purple, Green, and Plus Ones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katya picked at her nail polish and stared Courtney down. She forced herself to swallow and joke, “Does the camera betray my burning desire for Trixie's sweet, plastic ass?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The old format of quote retweeting was kind of confusing, [this](http://www.michelleharris.social/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/quotetweet.jpg) might help, here's an example:
> 
> Katya @katya_zamo  
> RT "@TrixieMattel: This is a tweet!" This is the retweet part, where I can write whatever I want.

Katya didn’t last an hour alone in her apartment that night.

“ _Hello?_ ” The distinctly Australian accent answered on the second ring, at 8 p.m. on a Saturday.

“It’s me,” Katya said shortly, and Courtney might have tried to answer, but Katya could only focus on stuttering out something that resembled a sentence: “I need, I just need, one night. Only one, and then I’m over her.”

Courtney was quiet for a moment. Katya was still pacing in her living room, pressing two fingers to the bridge of her nose and breathing. She was trying and trying to get Trixie, get everything out of her head, but she couldn’t.

“Wanna come over?” Katya asked, a casual request that sounded verging on desperate.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Courtney said quietly. Then, “ _Of course. Kats, I’m really sorry. Want me to bring anything?_ ”

Katya pictured Courtney leaving her boyfriend on the couch, gathering all the cookies in their apartment, and leaving. She said, “No. Tell Jake I’m sorry.”

“ _Aw, he’ll be fine. I’ll be there in twenty._ ”

 

Courtney slipped in the unlocked door, immediately finding Katya in the living room, sprawled on the couch with a giant bag of gummy bears on her stomach. Katya felt no shame, she felt hardly anything as she put a bear in her mouth and bit its head off.

“What are you doing?” Courtney asked, definitely confused. She turned the deadbolt and kicked off her shoes. “You hate candy.”

This was true. “I don’t know.” Katya was mostly trying to keep her brain from spiraling eternally into doomsday scenarios.

Courtney padded over to the coffee table and set a grocery bag down. “Well, I brought this,” She said, removing two tubs of Ben & Jerry’s.

“Fuck,” Katya said, sitting up and putting her feet on the ground and almost spilling a million tiny bears. “Oh my _god_.”

“What?” Courtney instantly asked, looking at her concernedly.

“This isn’t…We aren't even—”

Katya stopped talking when Courtney sat down next to her and started rubbing her shoulder. Katya breathed. She pushed her hair back from her face, wishing she had something to tie it back. Courtney said, “What happened?”

Katya shook her head. “She has a girlfriend, that’s it. And I’m fucking losing it like a teenager.”

Courtney just kept soothing Katya until she was calm again, eyes drooping with heartbreak exhaustion. “You’re not losing it,” Courtney promised, “You’re expressing your feelings. And I’m down for ice cream and rom coms until you feel better.”

Katya sighed, almost laughing and briefly leaning into Courtney. “Thanks.”

Ice cream and rom coms it was, as Katya tried to enjoy being there with her friend, feeling sad but safe. She mostly ignored Lindsay Lohan on screen and instead thought about everything that had happened that day. Katya really had had a great time making the video with Trixie. Production-wise, they worked well together, and the way they always made each other laugh was just a big bonus. It had felt so good to make Trixie laugh, watch her think, help her work. It had also felt good to touch her skin, fall on top of her, breathe into each other's space…

But Katya wasn't thinking about that. Nope. Because she was getting over this crush, not feeding it.

Her phone buzzed.

**_Trixie_** _: Shit okay will start editing tomorrow_

It was evening, and it looked like Trixie hadn't gotten around to editing the video. Katya didn't let herself feel or think too much about it, sent a blue heart emoji to let her know it was fine, and returned her attention to the soft and colourful 00s aesthetic of the movie playing on her laptop.

 

ONE DAY LATER

 

 **Trixie** : I would edit tonight but there’s karaoke at the Beaver

 **Katya** : Your channel haha

 **Trixie** : You free tn? Wanna come? [tongue emoji]

 **Katya** : Early shift tomorrow [broken heart emoji]

 

ONE DAY LATER

 

 **Trixie** : Tomorrow I promise tomorrow

 

Katya @katya_zamo

Do you people have friends who are liars? How do you deal with them?

 

Trixie Mattel @TrixieMattel

@katya_zamo love them unconditionally [praying hands emoji]

 

Katya @katya_zamo

@TrixieMattel Mama you know what my love is conditional on [money bag emoji][money bag emoji][money bag emoji]

 

Trixie Mattel @TrixieMattel

RT “@katya_zamo: @TrixieMattel Mama you know what my love is conditional on [money bag emoji][money bag emoji][money bag emoji]” Katya and I have such a genuine connection. We really respect each other as artists and human beings

 

we stan a legend @traceymartel

@TrixieMattel @katya_zamo Katya is hilarious would u ever collab?

 

Trixie Mattel @TrixieMattel

@traceymartel @katya_zamo What do you think we're fighting about? [eyes emoji]

 

TWO DAYS LATER

 

Courtney crashed one of Katya's classes and physically ushered people out of the room when it was over. Katya really didn't think it was necessary, but she appreciated Courtney's determination. “What's this?” Courtney asked, holding up her iPhone. The YouTube app was open, and it was showing that Courtney had just finished watching “I Can Be Anything: Trixie Mattel tries Yoga! ft. Katya Zamolodchikova”.

Katya didn't have much to say. “We made a video. Did you like it?” She had watched and approved the video before Trixie had posted it.

Courtney gave her kind of a sad smile. “I did. It's hilarious, really.”

That was all Courtney was saying, but Katya knew there was more she wanted to talk about. She wanted to talk about Trixie or something and Katya just wished that none of this was happening. Katya picked at her nail polish and stared Courtney down. She forced herself to swallow and joke, “Does the camera betray my burning desire for Trixie's sweet, plastic ass?” If she was honest, Katya didn't think it did. She kept a pretty consistent tone through the video, always just a little too excited, and Trixie had cut their little tumble at the end to save her own face, apparently.

Courtney was trying not to smile. “No,” She agreed. They looked at each other. Then, Courtney turned to open sincerity, “No, I just…Are you good?”

“I'm great, mama,” Katya promised, and started straightening up her studio for the next class. “Over it. Good.”

Courtney looked at the video again, and then herself in the mirror. “Her ass is pretty stellar,” She mused.

Katya just pointed menacingly into Courtney's soul and warned, “You're straight, you stay the _fuck_ away from Trixie.”

 

“ _Katya, oh my god_ ,” Trixie said when Katya answered the phone that night, before she could even say hi.

“What's up?” Katya asked, even though she knew.

“ _People, love you_ ,” Trixie claimed.

Katya smiled to herself as she countered, “People love _you_ in spandex.” Maybe it was a little risky, but they were friends, and friends joked like that.

Friends ignore jokes like that when they know they’re true. “ _The numbers, honestly, I haven't had a video do this well in months_.”

“Yay, that's awesome!” Katya cheered, like she hadn't been checking the views herself all day long. She sort of couldn't believe it, but of course she was still totally excited for Trixie. “So, what's next?” Katya asked, the eternal question in entertainment.

“ _Oh, we have to make another_ ,” Trixie declared.

Katya’s body had a nervous reaction to that idea, and she chalked it up to rising numbers, rising pressures, rising risks. She listened to Trixie flip through her Burn Book.

“ _Next week is that spicy ramen challenge with Kim, and then Farrah’s trying to teach me calculus…are you free on the seventeenth?_ ”

“For your funeral? After you die of capsaicin poisoning?”

Trixie screamed laughter into the phone and Katya giggled. Curled up on her couch, smiling, pressing the speaker impossibly closer to her ear, it occurred to Katya that, maybe, nothing would ever make her happier than making Trixie laugh.

It was just too bad she would never make Trixie as happy as she made Katya.

 

ONE WEEK LATER

 

Katya @katya_zamo

If I was your boyfriend, Id never let you go  
I can take you places you aint never been before  
You seen dumpster out back? Pretty nice actua

 

Twitter

@TrixieMattel liked your tweet.

 

Trixie Mattel @TrixieMattel

@katya_zamo let’s go

 

ONE WEEK LATER

 

“First things first,” Trixie said, sinking into Katya's couch. “Jelly.”

Katya smiled as she joined her, still feeling giddy at the fact that Trixie was here, in her apartment. “So fun, right?” Katya answered, trying to be casual about her latest video that she had simply named ‘Jelly’. It had been a personal indulgence, a weird side project that was turning out decently well—astronomically better than Katya had ever expected. But she was playing it cool.

“Katya. It's genius,” Trixie insisted. “I hate those shoes and I loved it.”

Somehow Katya had made Trixie love three minutes of Katya showing off _those shoes_ , her small collection of jellies, by moving her body compellingly while wearing them and whispering close to the mic, words like ‘plastic’, ‘jelly’ (obviously), and ‘tackiness’. It was supposed to be conceptual, sexy, and stupid, and the comments confirmed it was all three. But Trixie's validation was already going to Katya's head way more than the vague anonymous thirst posts. “Thank you!” Katya accepted. Then, “Enough about me. How is the new series doing?”

Trixie started in place. “Oh, amazingly. I could kiss Kim, my numbers are looking so good and I couldn’t have done it without her. Or you, obviously,” Trixie added, pulling her laptop and a Burn Book of her purse.

Katya just smiled. “That’s great,” She encouraged, as Trixie pulled up various pages on YouTube. “Are you sure you have time for this?” Katya asked about the video Trixie had come over to film, her brain overcompensating like she did with all her friends. “You really don't—”

“Yes, of course,” Trixie insisted, landing a hand briefly on Katya's shoulder before she resumed clicking around on her profile. Katya could smell her sweet perfume as she opened a certain page in her notebook. “I'm doing Ask Plastic episode six this week. So, easy.”

Katya tried to convince herself to relax. They were friends. They were colleagues. Their first collab had been on Trixie's channel, so it only made sense that Trixie would help Katya next. Katya watched Trixie click onto a tab that had been playing Trixie Mattel tries Yoga! on mute.

“Oh my god,” Trixie said again, smiling and pointing at the screen. “This is the part, Violet got so mad.” Katya watched video-Trixie almost fall backwards out of the Eagle pose, only for Katya to catch her, maybe a little low on the hip. It had saved Trixie from landing on her tailbone or hitting her head, which was all that had mattered to Katya, and she honestly didn't really remember it happening.

But now she knew Violet didn't like it. And Katya was instantly way too pleased with herself.

“She’s so cute,” Trixie added, and Katya remembered she was talking about Violet.

Okay. That knocked Katya down a peg. She still joked, “She better watch out,” and winked at Trixie when she met her gaze for a half a second.

Trixie scrolled down and Katya realized a second too late that she was deleting hateful comments before she clicked away. Trixie said, “After you left on Saturday, she kept asking all these questions about you. She was so late to the party.”

Katya smiled along. It was all just fan-fucking-tastic for Trixie, wasn't it? After a beat of Trixie considering what was on the screen, Katya heard her mouth say, “Isn't a cast party the kind of thing you bring a girlfriend to?”

Her brain said _fuck._ Her hand flew to Trixie's arm.

“Fuck, was that rude? I didn't mean to overstep—”

But Trixie just looked confused at Katya's fervour. “What? No,” She confirmed with a smile, “It’s fine, no. The models didn't get plus ones.”

 _The models didn't get plus ones_ , Katya repeated mockingly in her brain. Of course they didn't.  She was about to disclaim herself again when Trixie turned the laptop and started pointing at the screen.

“So, this is everyone who watched Trixie tries yoga,” She started to explain, and they settled quickly into business mode, purple, green, and plus ones long behind them. Trixie talked about countries and times and sharing and things Katya had heard about before. Trixie followed the chronological record of words in her pink book forwards and backwards through time. She added ideas to the end, always neat on a new line, indented to match everything above it.

Trixie asked Katya about the video they were there to film. Katya explained, and within no time they were laughing and bouncing ideas off each other. Trixie thought it was smart and hilarious. Katya thought Trixie was the perfect partner for it.

They stopped talking about Violet and Katya didn't know about Trixie, but she sure forgot about her for the two hours they were filming. Katya roped Trixie into staying after they were done to watch Katya's favourite movie _Contact_. Trixie hated the movie but stuck it out, eating gummy bears and making Katya laugh.

It was late when Trixie admitted Violet was waiting for her. Katya hugged her and thanked her profusely, as Trixie wished her luck with editing and bowed out. Katya just threw the last dozen bears in the garbage and felt thankful for their friendship, regardless of who Trixie was going home to.

 

THREE DAYS LATER

 

 **Trixie** : Hey how's the editing going?

 **Katya** : Great no issues. Probably finish and upload tomorrow

 **Trixie** : Cool

 **Trixie** : Violet broke up with me


	6. I Fucking Hate Fucking Models

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I'm dealing with it. I really liked her,” Trixie said, looking around and playing with the strings of her hoodie. “We weren't even dating that long.”  
> Katya felt nothing but sympathy for her friend. “That’s okay,” She said quietly. Katya wanted to hug Trixie and she knew that was coming from the most basic, platonic, human part of her.

**_Trixie_ ** _: Hey how's the editing going?_

 **_Katya_ ** _: Great no issues. Probably finish and upload tomorrow_

 **_Trixie_ ** _: Cool_

 **_Trixie_ ** _: Violet broke up with me_

 **_Katya_ ** _: Are you okay?_

 **_Trixie_ ** _: Yes_

 **_Trixie_ ** _: Just thought you should know_

 **_Katya_ ** _: Okay_

 **_Katya_ ** _: I’m good to talk or hang out whenever if you want_

 **_Trixie_ ** _: I’m fine about vi i was at my sister’s for a bit_

 **_Katya_ ** _: Okay. Thanks for telling me_

Katya had abandoned the Jasmine Masters binge Trixie convinced her into in favour of pacing and stretching and worrying in her living room. She considered and then decided against calling Trixie, Ginger, and her parents, who would all answer even though it was late. Katya felt nervous not knowing if Trixie was actually okay, and upset at the possibility she might not be. She felt a little excited at the prospect of no more Violet, and deeply, deeply guilty that her brain could even go there. Trixie was her friend, she could be fucking sensitive, maybe.

Eventually Trixie wasn’t texting anything else and Katya couldn’t internally justify sending anything else either, so she went to bed and laid in the dark thinking about movies Trixie would like until she fell asleep.

 

ONE DAY LATER

 

 **Trixie** : Let’s hang

 **Trixie** : I want to watch the video before you post it

 **Trixie** : Not because I don’t trust you, just for fun

 **Katya** : Yes!

 

Trixie answered the door in all baggy clothes and a sad smile. She wasn’t wearing any makeup, and this was the first time Katya had seen that.

“Hi!” Katya said brightly, genuinely excited to see her, and focusing on all the right reasons why.

“Hey,” Trixie returned. She didn't say anything else as she let Katya inside, so Katya panicked a little and started rambling.

“I had to cut the last couple outfits,” Katya explained about the video, as she set her bag down in the living room. Trixie was grabbing cans of Red Bull and water bottles out of the fridge. “Didn't want people to get bored of you needlessly bashing goths.”

Trixie smiled at that, Katya watching her from the living room, and then she hummed. “I always edit on my bed,” Trixie said, and brought everything into her bedroom.

Katya's heart skipped a beat and she chided herself. _Really? This isn't high school. No one's mom is going to catch us._ Katya grabbed her laptop and followed Trixie.

Katya held her breath as they settled onto the bed, sitting up against piles of pillows with some space between them. Katya accepted a Red Bull and a water but put them right over onto the side table. She sat with her laptop closed on her legs as Trixie chugged half her water. Katya looked at her.

“How's it going?” Katya asked, as Trixie closed the bottle and met her eyes. The question was vague, and Katya would have accepted a one-word answer. But after a beat of Trixie looking at Katya, not talking for just a second, letting hurt play in her eyes, Katya knew she wasn’t going to answer like that; she wasn’t going to disappoint Katya.

“I'm dealing with it. I really liked her,” Trixie said, looking around and playing with the strings of her Aveda LA hoodie. “We weren't even dating that long.”

Katya felt nothing but sympathy for her friend. “That’s okay,” She said quietly. Katya wanted to hug Trixie and she knew that was coming from the most basic, platonic, human part of her.

Trixie stared off into space as she qualified, “She just wanted me to do her makeup for free.”

It would have been so easy to dismiss that as a joke. Trixie was a makeup artist, she could use that line to rag on exes forever if she wanted. Katya could have laughed and moved on… But there was something in the words, something in Trixie’s eyes that made Katya need to honestly ask, “Are you serious?”

Trixie was looking at her. She was tearing up. “I don't know,” She said, smiling shallowly and sounding like she was going to cry.

Katya’s heart thrummed. She could see how hurt and confused Trixie was. But she bit it back. “I’m sorry,” Katya’s small voice said. She reached her outside hand over to touch Trixie's arm softly.

Trixie smiled. She looked over at Katya and then away, sniffling. She didn't seem uncomfortable, just sad. Katya could have comforted her for hours but Trixie also seemed over talking about it.

Katya forced herself to swallow the lump in her throat. “Okay. iMovie,” She announced, turning attention to her laptop as she opened it up. Trixie shifted a little closer. Katya clicked on iMovie, and started playing the latest edit of their video.

This video was easily way funnier than Katya’s first makeup tutorial, but they laughed far less watching this one together than they had watching the tutorial over Skype so long ago. They didn’t need to. They were in a different place in their relationship, and being quiet and comfortable together was what they wanted to do right then. Katya was starting to get sick of this footage, these words, so she focused on not looking at Trixie too much and translating every word they said into Russian inside her head. Trixie chuckled a couple times, and sometimes quietly remarked that, “Oh that was good.” Halfway through the video, after shifting to sit closer and closer to Katya, Trixie leaned her head on Katya's shoulder.

Katya just felt content and let herself overheat between the bed, Trixie, and her laptop, thinking about how she used to only see good things come from randomly announcing her feelings at any and all times. Katya thought maybe things with Trixie would have to be a little less random. She might have to look a little more carefully as she climbed to wherever they could get to.

 

**Trixie Mattel Rates My Wardrobe - Katya Zamolodchikova**

 

Trixie and Katya were sitting at a table, facing the camera head on. “Hi everyone! I’m Katya,” Katya welcomed.

“And I’m Trixie Mattel,” Trixie offered.

“And welcome to another video,” Katya said. “There have been some nasty, nasty, disgusting rumours flying around concerning my wardrobe and certain people’s opinions of it…” Katya just looked at Trixie, who stared at the camera and smiled.

The video cut to Katya smiling sweetly at the camera again as she explained, “So we are here to do what we always do, which is—”

“The facts.”

“We give you the facts.”

“The truth about fashion.”

Trixie and the desk had moved to one side on a diagonal, and Katya strolled into the frame wearing a cheap-looking bodycon dress that was printed with coffee beans.

“Oh my god,” Trixie said, looking into the camera, covering her mouth, and laughing.

“What?” Katya asked, raising her hands. Trixie just laughed. “Came in the mail yesterday.” Katya posed and pranced around as Trixie giggled.

The video cut, and Trixie had her shit together. “Where…are you wearing this?”

“The club? Pick up some chicks?” Katya posed, moving her limbs in a way that did not reflect dancing at a club at all. Trixie started to pick up a small white PVC sign from the table, one of many blank white squares in front of her, but Katya announced, “Wait wait wait!”

Trixie gave her a look. “There is nothing you can do to change my mind about this.”

“The best part!” Katya announced, swinging one leg and landing a bright red jelly shoe _on_ the table.

Trixie jumped. She looked between the shoe and the camera, hands up, like she didn’t know what to do.

It cut to Katya a respectable distance from Trixie, who held up the number zero. “There aren’t any negative numbers, so.”

Next, Katya came out in a little black dress. Its skirt was slim with tiny square fringes. Her chest was covered with a single vertical rectangle of sparkling fabric, and a sheath of tulle hung over her shoulders and held up a dramatic tulle frill.

“Oh, _yes_ ,” Trixie said, voice sliding way down in her register. Katya posed and twirled on the toes of her short black heels and Trixie just repeated. “Yes. Yes!”

Katya laughed. “This is my, party, one of my party dresses,” She managed.

Trixie’s fervour was verging on hysteria as she struggled to form a sentence, “Why… _That_ and now this…” Nothing was working, and Katya was laughing, shaking her arms and staring Trixie down as they both lost it.

It cut to Trixie functioning once again, and Katya posing. Trixie said, “This is great. It’s an amazing dress, it fits you perfectly, the shoes are right.” A cheesy ‘crowd cheering’ noise played as Trixie held up a ten and Katya threw her arms in the air in success.

“I feel like we did the worst, we did the best,” Trixie explained.

Katya took offense. “Bitch, I have a whole closet back there of—”

“Of dye-sublimated stretch fabric?” Trixie guessed. “Just line my casket with the gummy bear one,” She said, leaning back in her chair to mimic succumbing to a sweet and colourful grave, making Katya laugh and bounce around.

“It could be _Versace_ back there,” Katya challenged suddenly.

“You don’t know?” Trixie exclaimed.

“I don’t know, but we’re about to find out.”

The next outfit was Katya’s favourite shirt, black jeans, and the original black jellies.

“Okay,” Trixie started, sitting up, “This is…acceptable.”

Katya pretended to faint, falling halfway to the floor before picking herself up and giggling. “Just kidding.”

“I love that shirt.”

“It’s my favourite shirt,” Katya informed, walking over and reaching out an arm for Trixie to feel the fabric. Trixie’s mouth just fell open as she ran it between her fingers. “Isn’t that nice?”

“That’s great. See, this works,” Trixie encouraged, as Katya posed for the camera again. She held up a number. “Nine for comfort and appropriate use of plastic shoes.”

Katya came out again wearing black dress pants and a white button down she’d had for years, layered with a royal blue blazer that had black leather sleeves.

“This, now, this is like, executive real-estate-agent office bitch,” Trixie said, and Katya nodded along. Then Trixie started to chuckle as she said, “But you’re a yoga instructor. Your work clothes are Lululemon.”

Katya laughed, because she was right.

“Where do you wear this?”

“Church,” Katya insisted. The shot zoomed in on her cross-eyed, empty expression as she put her hands together in prayer.

Trixie gave it a six. She jolted Katya out of her trance by wailing, “Next!”

 

Trixie Mattel @TrixieMattel

Sorry for disappearing. Had to take out the trash. #backonmybullshit

 

Jessie! @jessieVlogs

@TrixieMattel for 3 days?

 

Trixie Mattel @TrixieMattel

It was a lot of trash.

 

Trixie Mattel @TrixieMattel

Speaking of trash, I took a look inside @katya_zamo’s closet… youtu.be/wardrobe

 

Katya @katya_zamo

Anyone know a place that does custom-lined coffins?

 

**Ask Plastic: Q &A with Trixie Mattel ep. 6**

 

“Hi guys!” Trixie said, looking ecstatic to be back in her studio. She was wearing a tank top dress in a tropical neon print with birds and flowers. “This week, I’m taking a break from trying something new to take some of your lovely questions. Hashtag Ask Plastic on Twitter like always. Let’s go.”

Trixie unlocked her phone and read, “Acid Petty says _I hate your contour_.” She looked at it for a second, face blank. She lowered her phone. Trixie picked up a Red Bull and sipped it, staring vaguely offscreen.

Cue title animation.

“ _Katya is prettier than you_ ,” Trixie read. “This isn’t a question, this is just a fact. But thank you for mentioning Katya! We just made a super fun video for her channel, link in the description. I promise it’s hilarious.

“ _Best eyebrow kit?_ Anastasia Beverly Hills, all the way.

“ _Are you excited for winter?_ Oh honey, I’m in L.A.. What winter?

“ _Is Kim going to dye her hair for Halloween again?_ You guys know I hated Kim Chartreuse, so the answer is, I hope not.

“ _Best piece of advice you’ve ever gotten?_ Know what you’re worth, and demand three times that.”

 

TWO WEEKS LATER

TWO DAYS BEFORE HALLOWEEN

WEDNESDAY

 

“ _I hate models. I fucking hate_ fucking _models. And guess what? I hate Violet fucking Chachki the most_.”

Katya just threw a look in both directions down the hallway she was hiding in. She didn’t have to check the time to know her next class was starting any minute then, and she was still sweating from the last one, but Trixie had randomly called her and Katya wasn’t about to hang up now.

“ _Shit. I can’t think straight_ ,” Trixie said.

“Are you okay?” was the first thing Katya said into the phone. She felt small, and her voice was probably small too.

Katya heard Trixie breathe, slowly, in, out. “ _Yes_ ,” She said, sounding level-headed. Trixie had never called Katya like this before, though it wasn't hard for Katya to imagine Trixie slamming the door in Violet's face, turning around and cold-calling her. Katya didn't think Trixie had ever been this vulnerable with her before.

Katya's entire body was itching, her heart was pounding, her brain thought of nothing except showing Trixie she could trust her. “Do you want to talk?” Katya asked. She didn't have time, but she would make it.

“ _No. Okay_ ,” Trixie said, as someone ducked their head into the hallway Katya was hiding in. She held up a pointer finger. Trixie asked, “ _Can you come over on Friday?_ ”

 _Friday? That's Halloween. I thought Trixie wasn’t doing anything for Halloween._ “Yeah. Of course,” Katya offered, assuming she was probably signing up for a lazy night in.

“ _Great. What size dress do you wear?”_

Katya's heart jumped at the idea that Trixie might be planning something. “Um. Four?”

“ _Right. I'll see you Friday. Oh, if you could pick up a shit-ton of yellow Post-its, that'd be great_.”

“Post-its. Yellow. Got it.”

Trixie sighed into the phone. Even though Katya really had to go, neither of them hung up for a second. Then, “ _Thanks Katya. I'll see you. Bye._ ”

“Bye.”

 _Beep_.

Katya's hopes started to grow. Quick, hot, intense inside her. Her heart was twisting around and she had to walk—had to skip back into the studio while shaking her arms out to pull her mind away from Trixie. She didn’t want to feel hope or excitement, so she didn’t, immediately throwing her body and mind into showing a dozen semi-flexible adults how it was done.


	7. Happy Halloween Everybody!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trixie just smiled and danced over to Katya. “I know we haven't been friends for fifteen years,” She said, taking Katya by the hands and making her dance, “But I think if I invented Post-its, you'd think of making them yellow.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics to music will be " _italicized and in quotation marks_ ". If you aren't familiar with Romy and Michele's High School Reunion or the Peaches Christ production version, take a look at [this](https://www.instagram.com/p/BaFHhDEBVkH/?taken-by=trixiemattel) and watch [this](http://heartharps.tumblr.com/post/180331838603/katya-adore-theyre-so-fucking-iconic).  
> 

TWO DAYS LATER

FRIDAY

HALLOWEEN

 

“ _Take this pink ribbon off my eyes. I'm exposed, and it's no big surprise_.”

Katya knocked in time with the music playing through Trixie's door.

Trixie pulled it open. She was wearing jeans, a t-shirt, and no makeup, but her hair was straightened and teased up away from her face. “Hey!” She greeted, and danced back into her apartment.

Katya followed, walking, knowing exactly what Trixie had planned, but nothing about what was actually going on in her head. “Hi.”

“I'm so excited,” Trixie said, dancing in the living room. As Katya slowly proceeded in, Trixie asked, “Did you bring your shoes?”

“Um. Yeah,” Katya confirmed and dropped her backpack, hearing the tacky platform heels inside it clatter on the hardwood. She watched Trixie bounce around.

“ _I'm just a girl, take a good look at me. Just your typical prototype_.”

“Gummy bear?” Trixie offered an open bag.

Katya shook her head, and Trixie shrugged and kept dancing around. “Um. I—”

“We are _not_ talking about Violet,” Trixie warned, shaking her shoulders, but she added “Yet. Maybe. We're talking about Halloween!” Trixie called and spun across the living room towards her bedroom door.

Katya relaxed a little. Trixie's grasp on reality seemed intact, so Katya would permit whatever colourful shenanigans Trixie wanted to get up to in the name of dealing with her feelings.

“ _I'm just a girl in the world. That's all that you'll let me be._ ”

“Are you ready?” Trixie asked, pausing with her hand on her doorknob.

Katya smiled and insisted, “I was born ready, mama.”

Trixie pushed open the door. “Ta-da!” She said, a weak cheer.

Katya instantly started laughing out of excitement and surprise at the sight of two sparkly elastic dresses lying on Trixie's bed, one pink, one periwinkle. She walked in asking, “Did you make these?” She ran her fingers over the feather trim on the purple one, the one she assumed was meant for her.

“Yeah,” Trixie confirmed, smiling ridiculously and leaning in the doorway.

The part of Katya’s brain that was impressed every time someone seemed to actually care about her felt the need to ask, “You think we're like Romy and Michele?” She ignored thoughts about dance trios and lesbian sex pacts.

Trixie just smiled and danced over to Katya. “I know we haven't been friends for fifteen years,” She said, taking Katya by the hands and making her dance, “But I think if I invented Post-its, you'd think of making them yellow.”

It was one of the sweetest things Katya had ever heard, and she laughed as Trixie twirled her easily under her arm. Katya was almost overwhelmed with excitement; she couldn’t believe she was doing a best friends’ Halloween costume with Trixie. She danced around, Trixie let her go, and Katya picked up her purple dress and admired it.

“ _Oh I'm just a girl, lucky me. Twiddle-dum there's no comparison_.”

“Yeah I just,” Trixie started to say. Katya turned to her quickly, ready to listen, but Trixie just looked down. “Never mind.”

Katya ditched the dress and shimmied up next to Trixie. “Are you sure?” She prodded, acting silly but meaning it.

Trixie just checked the time on her phone and announced, “Okay, Kim’s party starts in two hours, so we need to do your hair.”

Katya reeled at that, at the idea she was going to a _party_ with _Trixie_ and _Kim_. She stopped dancing as the song ended. She breathed, cleared her throat a little and managed, “Yeah. Let’s do it.”

They set up in Trixie’s bathroom, Katya on a chair so just she could see just her face poke up over the counter in the mirror. Katya was left to stare and wonder if her regular makeup was okay even thought Trixie had already told her it was, as Trixie set up _Romy and Michele_ on her laptop for background noise. Once the straightener, hairspray, and gummy bears were on hand, Trixie coaxed Katya’s hair out of it’s ponytail and set to work recreating the ‘97 Lisa Kudrow fantasy.

“So, we’re going to Kim’s party?” Katya asked, once the opening song of the movie had ended and Romy and Michele were on screen, talking.

“Yeah. It’s mostly friends from beauty school, Farrah, Alaska,” Trixie listed casually.

Katya perked up. “Farrah’s going to be there?”

Trixie looked a bit confused at Katya’s excitement. “Oh. Uh, yeah.”

“What, don’t think she’ll like me?” Katya joked before she could stop herself, despair and regret instantly digging out her insides.

But Trixie put her at ease. “No,” She said, and then considered as she pulled the straightener through Katya’s hair once. She positioned the piece and looked at Katya in the mirror. “I love you and I love Farrah, obviously, but it’s a…different sense of humour,” Trixie settled on, “Like, she doesn’t watch your videos.”

Katya ignored the flutter in her heart at the casual admission of love and feigned shock, one hand on her chest as she exclaimed, “There are people who _don’t_ watch my videos?” It made Trixie laugh, even just a little, but it was more than Katya had seen in a long time. She smiled and enjoyed it. Katya brought it back to Farrah, admitting, “It’s okay. I don’t really watch her either.” Which was true, save her collabs with Trixie.

“You’re on my channel now,” Trixie said, sectioning off more hair, “Everyone knows you’re cool.” Katya realized Trixie was right. Now they were permanently associated, their jokes and friendship written in internet ink for everyone who knew Trixie or watched her videos to see. These people, Kim, Farrah, whoever Alaska was, they would know Katya and recognize her face.

But Katya wasn't going to this party to be cool. She was going because Trixie had asked her. She'd had forty-eight hours to brainstorm the best, most value-free, least leading way to ask _what the fuck is going on_ : “So three days ago you weren't going to this party, and now…”

“I know. I'm a mess,” Trixie said right away, not a shred of humour in her voice. It put Katya on edge a little, but Trixie was staring fiercely at the hair in her hands, and Katya knew she wasn't done talking. Trixie sighed as she brought the straightener back to Katya's hair. “I don't want this to be a big deal, not now, not at the party…but you deserve an explanation.” Trixie met Katya's eyes. “By the way, thank you for doing this.”

Katya waved one hand around as Trixie dropped gummy bears into her mouth. “Beats giving candy to kids who don't deserve it.” Katya hoped that didn't make her sound pathetic, but in truth, between Courtney getting up to no good with her boyfriend and Ginger stuck in _Rocky Horror_ performances all weekend, Katya hadn't had any plans until Ginger's closing night on Sunday.

Trixie just fluffed and repositioned Katya's hair, back to looking deep in thought. “Let me start from the beginning,” She said. “Halloween, Violet and me were gonna go to some random party as Xena and Gabrielle. I started making the costumes and everything.”

Katya sat and listened, letting Trixie pull and burn and talk.

“Kim was actually pretty upset I wasn't going to her party, it was a whole thing. Once Vi broke up with me, I still didn't want to go. No costumes, no parties,” Trixie said determinedly. Katya thought that seemed valid. “And then two days ago, Violet shows up here, like trying to kiss me and shit.”

Katya’s mouth dropped open. She could feel all the blood pumping through her body.

Trixie either noticed or had looked to Katya anyway, and quickly explained, “She stopped when I told her to. But she was like, finish the Xena costume for me and I'll fuck you.” Katya's stomach turned and she shifted in place, looking down, as Trixie fluffed her hair. “So I told her to get the fuck out. And she told me to have fun watching _Hocus Pocus_ by myself.”

Katya looked at Trixie again, who was shaking her head a little while she worked.

“I just freaked out. That was exactly what I was gonna do, but...ugh. She called me a loser, and left, and now I never have to see her again,” Trixie said. Katya felt for her, saw how it had hurt her. “I just didn't want to watch _Hocus Pocus_ by myself. And doing Romy and Michele with you was the first thing I thought of." Trixie held a bobby pin in her teeth, saying, “I called you,” then transferred it to Katya's head. “And now here we are.” Katya realized all at once that Trixie hadn't told anyone else about this. She hadn't gone to Farrah's, she hadn't called Kim—who probably already had costumes, and maybe heard their fair share of Violet drama. Trixie had called Katya.

Katya turned around in her chair and met Trixie's eyes for real. “Do you want a hug?” She asked.

Trixie had done so well, explained so simply, and hardly showed emotion, but now she exhaled and Katya could see her welling up. “Yeah.”

Katya stood up. She hugged Trixie close. Trixie's chest was squishing against her and her hair was falling in Katya's face. She could feel Trixie breathing. But Katya wasn't thinking about Trixie's body, she was thinking about her pain. She was holding her friend as tight as she could, trying to make her feel like she would never get hurt again. “I'm sorry,” Katya mumbled.

Trixie let go of the hug, and when they looked at each other, Trixie had blinked away the tears.

“I'm glad you're okay,” Katya said, pointedly, “And I'm sorry that happened. You're not a loser, and you know that,” She comforted, one hand on Trixie's arm.

“Yeah, I know,” She said, shrugging a little, “It just sucks.”

Katya just stood there for a second, so close to Trixie, touching her. Breathing felt like her lungs were bobbing in a sea of confusing emotions, almost about to drown.

“Oh my god,” Trixie giggled suddenly, as she noticed something with Katya's hair. “Yeah we are not done here.” Trixie guided Katya back into the chair and undid a bunch of stuff she had already done, picking up the straightener again.

Katya bit the head off a gummy bear before remembering she hated them. The movie was already at the scene where Romy was interrogating Heather. Katya said, “So, who's all going to be there tonight?”

Trixie had lots to say on that topic, and easily slid into a rhythm of styling and gossiping. She told weird stories while Katya sat and listened and snacked. Katya relaxed and let the time pass, enjoying the feeling of Trixie's fingers on her head and Trixie's voice in her ears.

 

Katya was in the nicest apartment she had ever been in. Everyone around her looked better than anyone she’d ever seen with her own eyes before. The music felt louder than she’d ever heard. She felt sexier than she’d ever felt. And Katya had been at the party for exactly three seconds.

“Trixie!” Someone with a lisp yelled, and then Trixie was letting go of Katya’s hand to rush towards Kim Chi.

Katya just stood, looking in awe at Kim’s perfect makeup, her adorable dress that Katya was pretty sure was supposed to be a cat from an anime. Kim was bouncing and admiring Trixie's dress and poking the Post-its haphazardly stuck to Trixie—then she was saying, “Katya!”

Katya felt like the world instantly shifted from 240p to high-definition, as Kim rushed past Trixie to give Katya a light hug.

“Um. Hi!” Katya returned, feeling short.

“It's so nice to meet you,” Kim said.

“She did her own makeup,” Trixie offered, and Katya suddenly felt both embarrassed and proud.

Kim looked delighted. “Really? You're gorgeous!” She gushed. Her long fingernails were waving around, almost touching Katya over and over but never actually making contact. “And standing next to Trixie all night, you'll look like a goddess.”

Trixie had only started to act annoyed when Katya countered, “It worked for you, didn't it?”

Then Trixie was screaming with laughter and Kim was cackling. “I like her!” Kim announced.

Katya couldn't believe it; she was meeting Kim Chi, YouTube royalty, the most famous person she had ever met…and Katya was ignoring her so she could watch Trixie laugh. Katya didn't care that Kim's legendary face was inches from her own, Trixie was laughing, unashamed, as loud as ever, happy. That was all she could think about.

“Oh, is Luis here?” Trixie suddenly asked.

“Yeah, come on!” Kim said, flitting off into the crowd.

Trixie gave Katya an excited look and pulled her along by her hand.

They weaved through beautiful people. Trixie's nails were digging into Katya's skin. On the outside of Kim's front door, there had been a sign reading, “ABSOLUTELY NO CAMERAS BEYOND THIS POINT. Luis is here. Thank you, Management.” Katya had guessed that meant Luis was the exception to the rule, and she was right.

Katya was in the middle of the dance floor and then she was looking at a very expensive lens. Two arms wrapped around her waist. Someone yelled, “Smile!” Katya smiled and stuck out her chest. She heard the shutter click three times.

Kim rushed over to check the picture, giving the thumbs up. Someone tapped her shoulder and drew her away, as Luis suggested, “Just Romy and Michele?”

“Yeah!” Trixie confirmed, before Katya could even throw a nervous glance at her Romy. Trixie kept her arm around Katya. _Click_ . Then Trixie was leaning down and hugging her tightly. _Click_ . Then they were doing their very very best to imitate the actual _Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion_ poster. Katya was glad she was still sober for this. _Click_.

They fell out of the pose for the fifth time, laughing, so Trixie waved off the photographer. “Thanks Luis,” She said. Trixie's hands found Katya's shoulders, threatening to dislodge Post-its as she looked around, and then met Katya's eyes. “Is this okay?” She asked, having to scream over the vague electronic music.

Katya beamed. “This is great!” She thought she might have heard the shutter click again, but when she looked she couldn't see Luis anywhere.

“Drinks?” Trixie suggested.

“Yes!” Katya said, and followed Trixie by the hand to the free-for-all alcohol table.

Trixie beelined for a bottle of cotton candy flavoured vodka, and Katya almost threw up on sight. “ _Euch_. You're not serious,” Katya warned, crowding close to Trixie so she would hear her.

“I am absolutely serious,” Trixie confirmed, pouring two shots. Katya wouldn't let the despair off her face. “It's Halloween! Just one,” Trixie asked, and Katya reluctantly took it.

When Katya wrapped the arm holding her shot around Trixie's, Trixie followed easily, so their elbows were hooked around each other and their bodies were close. “Toast, kiss cheeks, drink,” Katya instructed.

Trixie looked at her glass. “To Romy and Michele—no! To Trixie and Katya,” Trixie toasted proudly, smiling down at Katya.

Katya laughed as she leaned up to meet Trixie's cheek, and they both fully pressed their lips to each other's skin, knowing their makeup was good enough not to transfer. Katya met Trixie's eyes once more before they threw back the shots.

They did a couple more shots of stuff that tasted significantly less like the Candyman's asshole and then made cocktails to work on while they mingled. Well, while Trixie mingled. She knew a lot of people, and so Katya's night quickly became a cycle of meeting someone, making small talk, getting ignored, wandering off, and then getting tugged back for pictures. Trixie refused to take any pictures without Katya, and every time she gave up finding more alcohol or dancing randomly amongst all the people Trixie didn't know, Trixie would inevitably yell and find her again—so her costume would be complete. That’s the reason Trixie said with her mouth, but Katya felt like her eyes were saying that she felt relieved, more relaxed, more comfortable every time she pulled Katya into her side once more. The long list of intros included the very shiny and polite Farrah (in an apropro angel costume), various gorgeous beauty school friends, and the rumoured Alaska (carrying a plastic horse head under her arm) who Katya had managed to learn nothing about in fifteen minutes of conversation.

Katya was soon drunk. The music was loud. She was having loads of fun. Sure Trixie could have been talking to her more, but Trixie was having fun catching up with everyone, so Katya was content.

Katya didn't realize she was dancing with someone until they grabbed her hips. She chugged the last of her cup and tossed it randomly, pushing her hips eagerly back onto her new partner. They welcomed it, fingers digging in, body pressing closer. Katya just danced. She wasn't thinking, wasn't worrying. She was grinding on someone who was really getting into it…and maybe she was getting into it too…

They both slowed to a stop against each other. “Hi,” The person said into Katya's ear, voice all smooth and low.

Katya let herself lean back onto them, eyes sliding shut. Their hands were still holding her close. “Hi,” She whispered back, no idea if they heard her.

They chuckled. “Are you good?”

“Mmm hmm,” Katya said. She grabbed one of their hands and slid it up and down her side, humming and offering, “Feels good.”

Then they moved and made Katya stand on her own again, holding her up by her hips. Katya stood, looking at people dancing, and then a beautiful, terrifying woman was in front of her, hands finding Katya’s arms. “I’m Sharon,” She said, almost shouting over the music. She was wearing black makeup, a short black dress, and neon orange hair that Katya wanted to put in her mouth.

Katya felt heavy, weighing her feet down in place. She stared up at Sharon. It was hard to focus on her face. “Michele Weinberger.”

Sharon barely laughed, swaying a little as she stepped closer to Katya. “What’s your real name, blondie?”

Katya giggled, and giggled, and leaned on Sharon’s hands. Eventually she took a big inhale, held Sharon’s waist, and got it out all at once, “Katya.”

Sharon looked around at the rest of the dance floor. She leaned in close and put her lips near Katya’s ear again. “Katya, do you want to dance?”

Katya held her there, shaking her head and whispering, “No.”

Sharon waited for a second, fingers adjusting on Katya’s skin, before asking, “Do you want to go do something else?”

Katya squeezed her. “Yes.” Sharon leaned back but kept her face _very_ close to Katya’s, so, _so_ close, alcohol in her nose, their lips _almost_ touching—

“Meet me in the bathroom in two minutes,” Sharon said, peeling a single Post-it off her dress. She twirled it between her fingers as she stumbled away from Katya into the crowd.

Katya was alone on the dance floor, watch the party rage around her.

Katya was looking at Trixie and Kim laughing and dancing stupidly.

Katya was leaning against a wall, thinking about Trixie. Her tits in her pink Romy dress, her hands in Katya's hair, their bodies pressing together again and again. Katya vaguely registered the fact that she was moaning in her throat. She clenched her thighs together and pressed her ass into the wall—

“Katya?” It was Sharon. She was sticking her head out of the bathroom. “You coming?”

Katya breathed. “Yeah.” She forced herself forward, falling into the door and slipping inside. Sharon had left her lots of space and leant against the counter, but Katya crowded right up into her space, hands on her shoulders and around her neck. Sharon might have seemed surprised but didn’t say anything, didn’t stop her. Katya watched her eyes slide shut as Katya pressed her lips up to meet hers.

Sharon kissed Katya deeply and their chests pressed together. Everything was warm. Her tongue moved slowly in her mouth. Sharon's tits against Katya, she felt in heaven, at home. This was just like—

“Mmm. Fuck,” Katya said, pulling back.

Sharon immediately took her hands off Katya’s back, but Katya stayed hung close around her neck. “What’s up?” Sharon asked. Her voice was low and it went straight to the situation in Katya’s compression underwear.

“Um. Is it okay if I think about someone else?” Katya asked tentatively, shifting her weight and making a cringey face.

Sharon relaxed and blinked lazily. “I’m not out here trying to be anyone’s dream girl,” She assured, but before Katya could kiss her again, “Wait, it’s not Romy, is it?”

Katya felt herself blush and her mouth fall open. Sharon’s eyebrows raised in a grimace. Katya huffed, and pouted a little, which made her think, _Shit. Trixie is rubbing off on me. No wait, she_ isn’t _rubbing off on me, that’s why I’m here._

Katya watched Sharon soften. “Well, Happy Halloween, from one lonely lesbian to another.”

Sharon pressed her black lips to Katya’s throat and grabbed her hips eagerly. Katya gasped a little. She was up on her tippy-toes, hanging from Sharon’s neck, pleasant tingles running freely through her body. Katya felt the wet of her tongue. She felt the slide of her hands, on her ass, and— _damnit_ Katya knew it was coming before it happened—one of Sharon’s hands moved an inch forwards around Katya’s hip, which Katya instantly had to grab.

“Shit. Sorry,” Katya said, as Sharon backed up a second time, letting Katya stand on her own. “One more thing.”

Sharon’s face was inscrutable as she leaned back against the bathroom counter.

Katya breathed. It had been a long time since she’d had sex. It had been a long time since she’d verbally come out to someone as transgender. It had been a long time since she’d drank something as appalling as cotton candy vodka, but it looked like tonight could be the night for all three. “I’m trans.”

Sharon’s face stayed even. “Okay.”

They looked at each other for a second. Katya wasn’t saying anything. _Why am I not saying anything?_

“Can I touch you?” Sharon asked.

Katya swallowed. Her mouth was dry. “Yeah,” She said.

Katya slowly stepped up to Sharon and she watched. Katya put her hands under Sharon’s jaw this time, and brought her face in for a soft kiss. One of Sharon’s arms wrapped around Katya’s back, and her other hand slipped up, under her dress, ever so softly touching the skin of her hip where it met her underwear. Katya scraped her teeth softly over Sharon’s lips. Sharon traced the edge of fabric inwards. She turned her hand and slid her palm flat along Katya’s crotch.

The underwear was so tight and Katya was getting so turned on, Sharon rubbed her three times and Katya was moaning. Sharon was asking and Katya was encouraging, begging her to take them off. Sharon slipped them down and as Katya stepped out of them, Sharon pulled her dress over her head, which Katya thought was a good call. Katya worked the sleeves off and suddenly she was naked, frozen, holding the most precious object on the planet. Fuck, she was drunk.

Sharon helped her hang it up on a hook.

Sharon pressed Katya stomach-first to the counter now, sliding her hips against her ass and kissing the back of her neck. Katya’s dick was hard and now it was also squished. She was in agony. She grabbed at her own tits and let her head loll back onto Sharon.

When Sharon slid a finger down between her ass cheeks Katya said, “ _Oh_ , yes mama.”

Sharon chuckled. “I’ll just eat your ass, then.”

And Sharon did. Katya braced herself and against the counter and pushed back onto Sharon’s tongue. Sharon grabbed, squeezed, licked, and poked everywhere it mattered. Katya was drunk and horny so there were no illusions here. She just squeezed her eyes shut and watched fireworks on the inside of her eyelids and let herself feel. She let herself twitch. She let herself moan and talk.

Katya touched herself and came into a wad of toilet paper, body seizing, reddening as pleasure flooded through her. She flushed the evidence. She breathed and let her knees give way. Katya cursed, leaning against the tub.

She watched Sharon get up, rinse her mouth, wipe her face. Katya moved lazily, tugging her underwear back on while still mostly lying down. She breathed and only gave herself a couple seconds to muster up some energy. Katya stood, crowding in behind Sharon. “Are you still turned on or should I start my “Monster Mash” dance again?”

Sharon was trying not to laugh, looking down and leaning against the counter as Katya slid her hands over her waist and stomach. “If you’re asking to fuck me, the answer is yes.”

“Mmm,” was all Katya answered, gently guiding Sharon to lean against the open wall, and pinning her there by her shoulders. “Good. Because I’m gonna drink your pussy like a teenager pretending to be a vampire drinks their own blood.”

Katya moved to make out with Sharon’s neck and run her hands over her chest, but she could tell Sharon was staring at the ceiling, mumbling, “ _Why was that sexy?_ ” Katya scraped her teeth over the skin but didn’t suck too hard in any one place, teasing her lips all over her neck. Katya’s hands squeezed and caressed.

Suddenly, Katya remembered falling on top of someone. She remembered hugging someone. _Trixie_.

Realizing where her brain had gone, Katya’s heart thrummed with sadness but heat flared involuntarily in her stomach. _Really? Am I honestly going to think about my friend while I fuck this stranger?_

When Sharon grabbed vaguely at Katya’s back, Katya slipped her hands under Sharon’s short dress. She traced her tongue on her collarbone and her fingers along cotton underwear. Katya’s brain pretended the dress was pink elastic instead of black chiffon and then Katya was grabbing, moaning in her throat, pushing Sharon’s panties down.

Katya got down on her knees. She was thirsty.

Katya had to stop herself from whispering _Trixie_ as she worked the underwear off and got her head under Sharon’s dress. She tried not to think about Trixie in spandex as she ran her hands all over Sharon’s thighs, not wanting to sexualize the memories of her friend more than she already had. Her heart was aching as she pressed her mouth to Sharon’s pussy, imagining Trixie’s face when someone teased her like this.

Katya hadn’t done this in a while but it came easily back to her, feeling no reservations licking and sucking everything between Sharon’s legs while pretending she could hear Trixie moaning Katya’s name. Soon enough, Sharon came easily too.

When Sharon let go of Katya’s head, Katya got up. They both cleaned themselves off. Sharon offered some brief and general praise, and Katya was pretty sure she had been able to tell she was out of practice. Katya didn’t acknowledge it, just tried to save what was left of the hairstyle Trixie had laboured over.

“Hey,” Sharon said, standing next to her in the mirror. “I don’t what’s up with you and Romy,” She claimed, and Katya wondered for the first time if Sharon didn’t actually know Trixie, “But fucking strangers in bathrooms will do the trick until you figure it out.”

Katya’s chest was still hurting, battling with the orgasm hormones that were trying to lull her to sleep. She managed a smile as she repositioned a barrette.

“But seriously, figure it out,” Sharon ordered.

Okay. Katya was done. She was looking at Sharon, face blank. Sharon was in standing between her and the door.

Once she realized Katya wasn’t making any promises, Sharon backed down and headed out of the bathroom. Katya crowded out behind her. Someone she didn’t know was waiting outside, and scowled as they passed.

Sharon paused at the edge of the party, and Katya stepped up next to her. It seemed like Sharon was about to say something when—

“KATYA? Has anyone seen Katya?”

Though they had only met briefly, Katya already recognized Farrah’s voice instantly, starting and scanning the crowd.

“Farrah?” She called back, and suddenly Farrah emerged looking annoyed. “Hey, what—”

“Katya! Thank god, come with me,” Farrah instructed, grabbing Katya’s arm. “Trixie freaked out and she’s asking for you.”


	8. Oh My God, Yes Girl, Get It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The second track of Trixie's mind wondered where Katya was as she filled a red cup halfway with cotton candy vodka and diluted it with club soda. Trixie splashed it with lemon juice and worked her phone out of her clutch. It also had Katya's phone in it too, and the spare Post-its for when they inevitably all fell off. Trixie didn't even bother checking if she still had yellow paper stuck to her tits. She was tired, and a little bit sick of people, so she sipped her sad excuse for a drink and opened Instagram.

“Katya! Thank god, come with me. Trixie freaked out and she’s asking for you.”

 

FIVE MINUTES EARLIER

 

The second track of Trixie's mind wondered where Katya was as she filled a red cup halfway with cotton candy vodka and diluted it with club soda. Trixie splashed it with lemon juice and worked her phone out of her clutch. It also had Katya's phone in it too, and the spare Post-its for when they inevitably all fell off. Trixie didn't even bother checking if she still had yellow paper stuck to her tits. She was tired, and a little bit sick of people, so she sipped her sad excuse for a drink and opened Instagram.

Trixie scrolled with the efficiency of a car manufacturer. She liked and ignored posts in milliseconds before moving on. Everyone was posting tonight. She quickly lost track of time, silently judging all the costumes. She didn't realize she'd made it most of the way through her drink.

And then Trixie saw Violet.

Her brain pounded. The air left her lungs. She was washed with dizziness and clarity at the same time as she wondered which of Violet's friends she'd forgotten to unfollow. Her stomach turned with bile as she stared at what Violet was wearing, a thousand dollars of lingerie and mouse ears.

Trixie wanted to hate the stupid outfit, wanted to rag on it for years and years. She wanted to laugh and make fun and feel sexier than Violet ever could be. But the only thing Trixie could feel…was hurt. She was so, so deeply hurt.

Trixie tried to rationalize it as she cried. She told her body that she barely knew Violet and shouldn't have expected anything different. But her body wanted to cry, wanted to spill her drink everywhere and sob, make a mess and refuse help cleaning it up. People were helping her sit down and she was crying into her hands, the sleeves of her dress, her own hair. Trixie could barely breathe as she sobbed.

But then, all at once, her brain caught up. It had been stuck on Violet saying, “You're a fucking loser, Trixie,” and slamming the door to Trixie's apartment, but now it remembered: calling Katya, sewing for two days straight, doing Katya's hair, dancing with Katya.

 _Katya_. Trixie's brain remembered where she was and who she was there with. She remembered the one person who knew the whole truth about all this. All at once, she stopped crying.

Farrah and Kim looked at her as her hysteria passed. “I'm okay,” She said, sniffling, and wiping her face. “I'm okay. Where's Katya?”

“What happened?” Farrah asked, crowding in close to Trixie's chair. An entire mob of her friends followed suit.

“Did something happen?”

“Do you want a drink?”

Trixie tried to subdue her annoyance, knowing she couldn't expect them to read her mind, but they could at least listen to her words. “I’m, I’m fine, where's Katya?”

“Can someone get her some water?”

“Where's my phone?” Trixie asked, and Kim handed it to her, locked. “Where's Katya?” She asked again.

Kim, Scarecrow Naomi, Devil Aja, Human Alaska, and Farrah looked at each other, trying to convince one of the other two to answer. “Fine! I'll find her,” Farrah conceded, squeezing Trixie's shoulder and flitting off.

People were barraging Trixie with questions again but she just leaned her head in her hand, trying to breathe evenly. “I'm just pissed. It's nothing.”

“Just feelings?” Kim asked.

“Yeah,” Trixie gave. That's all it was. Feelings. She just had to feel it out, but she wanted to make sure Katya was okay, still having fun. Throwing herself into their costumes had been so therapeutic. Katya had been such a good friend to Trixie. She felt feelings all day every day, Trixie wanted to make sure she was being a good friend _now_.

Trixie breathed. She beat back feelings of embarrassment at her breakdown; already? Really?

“Hey,” Katya's voice said, and Trixie looked up to find it. Katya forced her way into a chair next to Trixie and repeated, “Hey hey hey.”

Trixie exhaled, smiling, leaning into Katya's hands when she touched her arm. “Hi. Are you having fun?”

Katya face fell into something that was almost a frown, looking confused and glancing quickly at Farrah before confirming, “I'm great. So much fun. I'm having so much fun. Are you okay?”

Trixie nodded and wiped her nose. “I just wanted to check in with you.” Everyone seemed confused but Trixie didn't think she was even processing it, just stewing in latent sadness and freshly fallen tears. “I saw Violet on Instagram.”

Katya softened, nodding slowly as she thought that over. “And you're okay now?”

“Yep,” Trixie confirmed, sniffling. Scarecrow Naomi reached in and handed her a cup of water. “Thank you. Just feeling my feelings,” She said as she started to drink. Trixie stared into the white plastic inside of the cup, feeling Katya's hand fall away and missing it. She finished the water easily. It felt amazing on her throat.

When Trixie put the cup down, Katya was turning back to look at Trixie, like she had just been talking to Kim, who was scurrying away. Katya smiled. At least she looked happy, looked like she was having fun, with her smudged makeup and hair mostly falling out of how Trixie had styled it. “This is a great party,” Katya said, “Thanks for bringing me.”

The comment soothed Trixie's soul, just a little bit, but in a very real way, like Vicks VapoRub. “Thanks for coming,” She returned. She hoped Katya could see how much she appreciated her.

Katya suddenly perked up, smile turning a little mischievous as she asked, “Do you want to dance?”

Trixie realized what song had just started playing. _This sneaky bitch_ . It was “Time After Time”, from the end of _Romy and Michele_. She chuckled and put her hand on top of Katya's where it rested on Katya's knee. “Of course I do.”

Katya winked. They shuffled quickly to the living room, Katya pulling Trixie now. They kicked off their shoes by the wall.

_“Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick, and think of you.”_

They didn't know the dance from the movie, and they hadn't planned anything, but Katya just started to dance so ridiculously it looked perfect. Trixie laughed as she tried her best to channel Mira Sorvino, swishing around and making weak arabesques.

 _"Sometimes you picture me,_ _I'm walking too far ahead."_

People had cleared a space for them and they filled it, twirling each other, and Katya leaping around. Trixie was quickly forgetting everything, pouring all her feelings into intense arm-eography.

She could see everyone, Farrah, Alaska, Naomi, Aja, all smiling and watching them dance, talking, and laughing. Trixie found Kim by the DJ, screaming and cheering unnecessarily. She lip synced to Kim from across the room, “ _If you're lost, you can look and you will find me_ .” Kim laughed. “ _Time after time_ . _If you fall, I will catch you, I'll be waiting, time after time_.”

Trixie danced with Katya, their interpretive moves sometimes clashing but sometimes flowing gracefully. Trixie felt good. She felt beautiful, and strong, and happy.

_“Time after time.”_

As the chorus ended, they gave up on being creative, and Trixie just wrapped her arms around Katya. Katya accepted and held Trixie around her waist. They swayed slowly, bodies so close they couldn't see each other's faces anymore. Trixie breathed. She was done thinking, done feeling for the moment, done paying attention. She just held onto her Michele and danced.

“ _If you're lost you can look and you will find me, time after time. If you fall I will catch you, I'll be waiting, time after time._ ”

“Thanks,” Trixie whispered.

Katya just hummed into her shoulder.

Trixie swayed, and breathed. The song was almost over. She felt fine, empty, like she had just rebooted. As they danced, Trixie recognized Alaska's friend Sharon standing off by herself, wearing a weird sort of smile, but Sharon was a weird sort of person. Trixie's extrovert side almost jumped at the chance to say hi and introduce Katya, but Trixie felt so warm and safe, she decided she could do it later. Trixie just enjoyed the last few seconds of the song in Katya's strong hug.

 

The party started to die down at 1am, but all Trixie's friends were sticking around and talking, lounging on chairs and on the ground. Trixie made the rounds again, sometimes with Katya, sometimes without. When people asked about Violet, she would wave them off or Katya would distract them with a long-winded, occasionally backhanded compliment.

Trixie was so happy Katya seemed to be having a good time. She talked to people too. Trixie thought she caught her talking makeup with Kim, gossiping with Sharon even though Trixie had never introduced them, and even wading deep in conversation with Farrah. Trixie was actually getting tired. She hovered by a wall drinking water and waiting for Katya and Farrah to stop talking, but they seemed to go on for ages.

Eventually Trixie just went over. “Hi guys,” She said, and only realized after the fact she was using her video voice.

“Hey!” Farrah said brightly.

“Yo,” Katya started, so Trixie should have known something wacky was going to come out of her mouth next, “Why didn't you tell me Farrah wanted to be a teacher?”

“Because teachers are boring,” Trixie answered, without missing a beat.

And Trixie didn't understand why, but Farrah was covering a gasp with her hand and Katya was holding her chest, rasping, “Ouch.” She looked personally offended, as if…

“No,” Trixie said, realizing Katya had lumped herself in with the monotonous lecturers Trixie looked back on with such disdain. “You're cool,” She told Katya. And then to Farrah, “You've just been a pain in my ass for twenty years.”

Farrah looked really hurt now. “Fine,” She whined, and linked her arm with Katya's. “I don't need you anymore. Katya's my new big sister.” Trixie was literally shocked as Katya giggled and shuffled happily into Farrah's side, petting her angel wings. “She's lending me a book and everything,” Farrah explained, as if that was the prerequisite for sisterhood.

Katya nodded at Farrah and then Trixie. “Yup. Yes. _Psychology of Motivation_. Very important stuff for yoga and for math.”

Trixie’s brain lit up, almost remembering something she had heard way too much about. She droned, “Is that that germa-vacation shit?”

Farrah scoffed. “It's called _gamification_ and it actually works. So go fuck yourself, Trixie.”

Katya howled with laughter—and then suddenly stopped it to add, “What about YouTube, huh? Isn’t that fucking her enough?”

Farrah was scandalized but Trixie was laughing, screaming, grabbing Katya’s arm. Katya was right and Katya was funny. Trixie was focused on nothing but that, laughing maybe a bit too loud for a bit too long. Farrah was looking at them with a curious sort of look.

Eventually, Trixie calmed down enough to deny Katya’s apology and offer her own to Farrah. Trixie admitted she wanted to leave. Farrah and Katya exchanged numbers.

It was one more round of hugs and goodbyes, wishing Aja luck with her last year of beauty school, wishing Naomi the best with her modelling gigs, wishing Alaska well with whatever she got up to. Kim and Trixie had plans—they always had plans—so they settled for a long, silent hug before Trixie rushed Katya out the door.

Katya hummed “Time After Time” as they waited for the taxi on the curb, arm in arm. Trixie just looked at her. Her brain was still a little hazy, and starting to get exhausted. She felt happy. She'd had fun, though she wasn't really thinking about anything that had happened. She was just looking at Katya.

“Thanks again,” Trixie said quietly, and Katya smiled up at her.

“Sure thing, mama,” She said, and then looked down the road at the single approaching car. “It's been a good night.”

Katya's bag and clothes were still at Trixie's so she had to ride with her, but on the way Trixie convinced Katya to stay and watch _Hocus Pocus_. (It took a lot of convincing. Trixie feared for their friendship at one point.) Finally back at Trixie's apartment, they changed quickly and scrubbed their faces. They stuck all the surviving Post-its randomly on the walls. They piled onto the bed under a cheesy pumpkin print blanket with a bag of mini chocolate bars they had swiped from Kim's and Trixie's gummy bear stash. Within the first ten minutes, Trixie wrapped her arm around Katya, who took another couple minutes but eventually shifted to lie on her shoulder. Halfway through, Katya was asleep. Trixie didn't mind.

She finished the movie because she wanted to. She managed to extricate herself and ease Katya down onto her side without waking her. She tossed her laptop and the candy onto the floor, and then snuggled up behind Katya, falling asleep in bed with a dozen pumpkins and the Michele to her Romy.

 

SIX HOURS LATER

 

Trixie woke up when she felt Katya moving. Everything was blurry, loud yet also silent, and gross. Trixie rolled away from Katya, rubbing her eyes and kicking off the blanket.

Katya groaned. “Fuck.”

Trixie rolled her head to the side, feeling the oncoming of a headache already, and seeing Katya sitting on the side of the bed. Her shirt was rumpled and her hand was in the mess of her hair. “Good morning to you too,” Trixie managed, scratching horribly in her throat. She needed water.

Katya didn’t move, just mumbled, “I didn’t mean to stay over, sorry.”

Trixie didn’t want to talk but she couldn’t have Katya apologizing for stuff like that. “Mmm…I would’ve kicked you out if I wanted…You take the bathroom first?”

Katya accepted and flitted off while Trixie checked Instagram in bed. She hoped Katya felt comfortable in her apartment at this point. She got up and found her water bottle,  sipping it regularly as she started a full pot of coffee.

When Katya came out into the living room, she looked tired but clean, back in the skirt and sweater she had showed up in the day before. Her hair was still wild from sleeping with all the hairspray and teasing still in it, but the scrunchie tamed it some.

Trixie didn’t let her say anything. “Coffee’s almost ready. I’m making breakfast,” She announced confidently, even though her headache made her wince as she walked towards the door. “Oh,” She said, pausing as she passed Katya, who whirled around to look at her. Trixie handed over her unlocked phone with Photos open. “Check out all the pics from last night.”

Katya took it. She wore the smallest of smiles, and just said, “Thanks.” Trixie knew she meant it.

Trixie got ready doing the bare minimum, pulling back a big bun with a headband and washing her face. With clean clothes and some Tylenol, she was starting to feel like a person again.

In the living room, Katya was sipping water from a glass and dutifully scrolling through the pictures, lying on her favourite bean bag chair. She looked up when Trixie came out but Trixie left her to it. She had brought her laptop out and started playing soft folk music out loud as she pulled up a recipe for pancakes.

Trixie settled easily into working. Especially without her phone to distract her, it felt good to feel some rhythm in her muscles, stretch and bounce around the kitchen. Of course, Katya didn’t let her go for a minute before offering her help. Trixie managed to keep her away until it was time to cook, butter was sizzling in the pan. Katya narrowly saved the batter-covered spatula from falling and making a spectacular mess, so Trixie gave her a faux-disappointed look but didn’t refuse her help any longer.

As Katya used a spoon to press blueberries down into the cooking pancake, Trixie asked, “How are you feeling?”

Katya looked over. “Good.” She smiled down at the ground, and then at Trixie. “Last night was fun.”

“Yay, I’m glad you had fun,” Trixie insisted, wiping batter splatters off the counter. They talked idly about the party as they made a couple giant blueberry pancakes for each of them. Trixie poured coffee and didn’t even bother with milk for herself.

They actually used the dining table, eating while lamenting the ugly costumes they had seen and their headaches. When Trixie remembered freaking out about Violet, she apologized again. Katya brushed it off, but then she got kind of quiet.

 _She’s probably tired. Probably sick of me_ , Trixie thought to herself, and gulped down more coffee. It occurred to her that she might actually be getting used to the taste of black coffee, which made her feel dully surprised but excited. Classic syrup was expensive.

“Fuck, okay. I should just tell you,” Katya said, pulling Trixie out of her head and making her look up. Katya met her eyes and quickly said, “I hooked up with Sharon last night.”

Trixie was struck with some confused emotion she couldn’t quite name before it was overtaken by excitement. “Really?” She gushed, feeling her enthusiasm playing on her face.

Katya kept looking down and then at back up at her. “Um, yeah.”

“Oh my god, yes girl, get it,” Trixie couldn’t stop herself from saying. Katya was blushing a little, but she was smiling. “Was she good? Never mind.” Trixie didn't want to make Katya uncomfortable.

Katya just ate a forkful of pancake and looked over, raising her eyebrows.

“Bitch,” Trixie muttered, almost a whisper, and then Katya was giggling and Trixie was giggling too. Trixie watched her as they calmed down, how her eyes started shifting away, and her shoulders turned away.

Suddenly, Trixie’s phone buzzed, and Katya glanced at it as Trixie picked it up. “Ooh, more pictures from Luis.”

They rifled through a giant album, trying to find themselves, Kim, Farrah, whoever. There was a super cute one of Aja “pretending” to be angry, and Trixie told the story of when Aja told off a professor in the middle of a 200-person lecture. They eventually found one of Sharon, being dragged in front of the viewfinder by a horse-headed Alaska, and the next one was just Sharon looking at the camera, pissed.

Trixie looked at it. She looked at Katya. Katya was looking at it, totally neutral. Inspecting the black on black on black, the intense orange hair… “I get it.”

“Huh?” Katya asked, and then gave Trixie a weird look. “What?”

“Not my thing, but you and Sharon,” Trixie gave the picture another meaningful look, “I get it.” Katya rolled her eyes, and Trixie had to fight not to giggle as she choked back the rest of her coffee.

 

 **kimchi_chic**  
[Image: Kim is standing next to Katya and Trixie. Kim is wearing her Jiji from Kiki's Delivery Service costume, and everyone looks awesome.]  
**913 likes**  
**kimchi_chic** Best friends! #Halloween  
1 HOUR AGO

 

TWO DAYS LATER

 

Bob the Vlogger @Bob

It seems like women enjoy crying in public.

 

Trixie Mattel @TrixieMattel

@Bob @katya_zamo us

 

Katya @katya_zamo

@TrixieMattel @Bob *you

 

Trixie Mattel @TrixieMattel

@Bob @katya_zamo ***US

 

**First YouTube Check - Katya Zamolodchikova**

 

It was instantly obvious that Katya was filming this on her phone, with the low quality and awkward starting angle. She looked around and held it up a little higher. At least she was filming it in landscape.

“Hi everyone,” She said quietly. She was walking around a store. The shelves were lined with bottles and the signs everywhere read ‘WINE’, ‘WHISKEY’, and ‘BEER’. “Just got my first check from Mr. YouTube. I just cashed it,” She claimed, and held up a couple bills with her free hand to prove it.

The video cut. Katya had switched cameras on her phone, and she recorded her hand grabbing the biggest bottle of Grey Goose off a bottom shelf. She held the phone at a weird place, recording the store in front of her as she walked towards the checkout.

It cut to her face again, as Katya smiled awkwardly at the attendant and thanked them. She kept filming as she took the bag with the single bottle in it outside. She squinted at the bright, midday light. Katya managed to keep the phone up as she hugged the bottle, worked the cap off, and brought it to her lips.

Katya chugged for three seconds and then lowered it. She looked at the camera, face neutral, as she regained her breath. “Mm. Thanks, YouTube.”

The video ended.

 

 **Trixie** : Okay jasmine masters

 **Katya** : Thanks jush


	9. [party popper emoji]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katya looked at the Instagram post. Trixie looked gorgeous and happy, but she wondered idly why Trixie hadn’t posted one of them looking more polished, posing like the movie poster. There was a heart shape beneath the picture, and Katya clicked it, making it fill up red.

ONE WEEK LATER

 

Katya's phone rang. Katya looked at Trixie, who looked surprised. “Are you gonna answer that?” Trixie asked.

Katya didn't know why she wasn't. “No one ever calls me,” She remarked, though that was obviously not true anymore. They both waited and listened to the phone ring for a second, looked at it lying on Katya's couch.

Trixie’s hand suddenly shot out, so Katya snatched her phone up and answered before Trixie could ruin her life. “Hello?” She said, and Trixie just smirked and returned to dicking around on her own phone.

“ _Hi, I'm calling for, uh, Katya—_ ”

“Yes, this is Katya Zamolodchikova,” She confirmed before the caller could fuck it up. When she looked, Trixie was mouthing the syllables of her last name.

“ _Yes. Hello. My name is Tatianna Colombo, and I'm a professor of gender and sexuality studies at UCLA_.”

 _What the fuck? What's going on?_  Trixie gave her a look, which made Katya think she must have been showing her surprise on her face.

“ _I actually got your number from your friend, Farrah Martin?_ ”

“Oh! Farrah, yeah!” Katya exclaimed, and now Trixie was really interested. She started climbing down the couch, so Katya pushed her away and stood up.

“ _I’m working on a project to raise awareness about transgender issues,_ ” The professor said, “ _I talk a lot about my experiences as a trans woman on my YouTube channel, so I'm trying to connect with other trans content creators, brainstorm some educational video ideas, that kind of thing._ ”

Katya was shook. She paced back and forth, saying, “Wow. Farrah recommended  _me_?”

“ _Yeah! Is that something you'd be open to?_ ”

“Yeah, yes, of course!” Katya assured. “I don't talk about gender stuff on YouTube a lot, but I'm interested, for sure. I don't really know the best way to approach these things,” She added.

“ _That's great! And don't worry, I'm bringing the doctorate_.”

Katya laughed. “Sounds good.”

Trixie just smiled and scrolled through Instagram while Katya and Tatianna exchanged emails. Katya asked and figured out Tatianna had given a presentation in one of Farrah's teacher preparation classes. Tatianna admitted she had checked out Katya's channel, and thought she was funny. Katya encouraged her to email soon and they hung up.

Trixie was buzzing as Katya finally rejoined her on the couch, and she only got more and more excited as she drew all the information out of Katya she could. Trixie's enthusiasm got Katya excited too. When Katya texted her “little sister” to thank her for passing on her name, Trixie rolled her eyes, but she couldn’t hide her little smile. They stalked Tatianna's channel together. They found a video of a spoken word piece the professor had performed a couple years back called “The Same Parts”, and Katya loved it so much she almost lost it. She almost called Tatianna back right then to confess her love. But then Trixie was laughing, and Katya was watching her laugh, and she wasn't thinking too much about Tatianna any more.

That day, Trixie and Katya hadn't planned to hang out or anything, Trixie had just texted and came over right after a shift at the mall. They chilled, relaxed, and talked in the living room, while Katya fielded emails about the studio's holiday schedule. Katya's Bluetooth speaker played melancholic folk music Trixie picked out, so quietly they couldn't understand the words. With the Tatianna excitement fading, they settled softly back into that rhythm, Trixie occasionally showing Katya funny tweets she found but otherwise sitting quietly next to Katya as she typed.

Then, Trixie said, “Oh my god!” When Katya lifted her head, Trixie wasn't even looking at her phone.

“Hm?”

“I just had,” Trixie started, pulling what looked like a new Burn Book out of her purse, “The best idea for our next video.” She held it close to her body as she wrote something inside.

Katya swallowed the happy surprise she felt at Trixie assuming they would make another video together, because as far as Katya remembered, they had never talked about it. “Hit me,” She asked, shifting to look at Trixie.

But Trixie was packing her stuff and standing up. “It's a surprise,” She said, like it was obvious.

“Noooo,” Katya whined, leaning back against the couch.

“Yes!” Trixie just marched to Katya's front door, and Katya wished she wouldn't go but didn't have a good reason to ask her to stay. “Just get your ass to my place next week.”

“How am I…I don't…” Katya stammered, brain getting stuck on making a video without being able to mentally prepare.

“What you know, isn't always the truth,” Trixie joked across the room, paraphrasing  _The Same Parts_  and making Katya completely forget she was frustrated. As Katya laughed, Trixie called, “Love you! I'll text you!” The door slammed behind her.

Katya calmed down, checking the time and trying not to look back at the door. She was suddenly very disinterested in explaining to Courtney why a Thanksgiving weekend of nothing but Zumba was a bad idea. She slumped sideways onto the couch, the hurt that had just blossomed in her heart weighing her down.

Katya liked Trixie. She still liked her, a lot. She loved Trixie. She loved spending time with her and being around her and making her happy.

And it _hurt_ . It hurt to be  _just_  her friend, no matter how hard or how long Katya had been wishing it wouldn't. No matter if she fucked someone else. No matter how many rom coms she watched,  _Dance Moms_  dates with Ginger she had.

Katya breathed. This wasn’t productive; she wasn't going to do anything about it. She didn't know what to do. She was too tired to think about action when the weight in her lungs was telling her to just fall asleep.

Her laptop was beeping with new messages. Katya looked lazily over at the screen, feeling a single tear leak out of her eye and slide down her face to the couch. She half-assed brainstorming an acceptable reply and then forced herself to sit up and send it.

 

FOUR DAYS LATER

 

“This one,” Katya suggested for Ginger's early stage Instagram, turning Ginger's phone around so she could see it.

“Girl, no,” Ginger reacted to the picture of herself doing the Gangnam Style dance. She rolled her eyes and tried to snatch her phone back.

But Katya kept it out of her reach, happily scrolling through the pictures from the  _Rocky Horror_ cast party last week. Katya found one she was in her herself and paused on it, not liking how her pants looked almost falling down after hours of partying, but thinking the light was hitting her makeup pretty well. It had been a fun party.

“Anyways, fuck Brad,” Ginger concluded from the other end of the couch in Ginger's living room, having decided to get over her most recent co-star quite expediently. She announced, “Your turn, sweetheart.”

Katya kept scrolling and didn't look up, just hummed, “Hm?”

“What about Trixie, huh?” Ginger asked.

Katya's stomach turned. She put on a fake smile. “What would you care to know about my good, platonic friend Trixie Martin?”

Ginger didn’t like that, shaking her head and saying, “Come on.” When Katya refused to give anything else, Ginger sat up a little straighter, and Katya could see the rant build in her brain before she said it. “You don’t date anyone since college,” Ginger said, “Fall in love with a celebrity, and when she breaks up with her girlfriend, you fuck someone else and pretend like nothing's going on?

Katya gawked at her for a second, and then said, “None of that is true.” Ginger wasn't impressed. Katya countered, “I didn't date  _during_ college, either.”  _Trixie isn’t a celebrity. I’m not_ in  _love with her. Trixie’s girlfriend did the breaking up. And I’m not pretending it’s nothing; it_ is _nothing._ But Katya didn’t say the rest, because Ginger didn’t actually want to hear any of it.

Ginger looked full on disappointed now. “That is so beyond the point—”

“No, what's beyond the point is talking about this at all,” Katya said, maybe sharper than she needed to be. She looked away from her friend and mumbled, “She doesn't even see me like that because I'm—” _trans_. Katya stopped herself before she said it. Before she said something that wasn't true. Panic and regret flashed inside her body, and Katya was frozen for a second, wondering if it was too late to take back this entire conversation. Katya brought her knees onto the couch and wrapped her arms around her legs.

Ginger was quiet for a moment. Katya didn't look at her, couldn't look at her. Couldn't talk. Could hardly breathe. Ginger’s voice was so soft when she finally spoke: “You don't really think that about Trixie, do you?”

Katya skipped over a hundred different version of  _no_  in her head. She looked at Ginger. What could she say? What did she think? Katya didn’t know what to think. “I feel like…I’m always going to worry about it. Like I’ll never…be free of that.” Of thinking people wouldn’t like her because she was transgender. A future of nothing but  _that_ loomed over Katya and she desperately beat back defeated feelings, knowing so well she couldn’t let herself believe it.

She heard Ginger take a measured breath next to her. “Fuck. I don’t know a lot about this, okay?” She said, speaking very slowly. “But Trixie is one of the first people you met since you came out and stuff.”

Yes, Katya knew this, but she hadn’t thought about it in what felt like forever. She nodded, and hugged herself closer.

Ginger spoke so sincerely. “You gotta start somewhere,” She reasoned, “Trixie seems like the kind of person to see you for the big, lovable lesbian you are.”

 _She’s right_ , Katya thought, hearing Trixie’s voice in her head saying, ‘Know what you’re worth and demand three times that.’ Trixie would think Katya was worth this. Katya was closing her eyes and feeling tears that she definitely did not want to cry. She laid her temple on one of her knees. She breathed, thinking about how Ginger was right. Trixie did see Katya…but she didn’t like her back. It wasn’t about Violet or Sharon or anyone, Katya just knew that Trixie didn’t like her back.  _She will never love me the way I love her_ . She opened her eyes, head still sideways and said, “I like her  _so_  much.”

Ginger softened. She shifted closer to Katya, drawing her out of herself and into a hug. “I know, sweetie,” She said, arms crushing Katya so tightly, “I know.”

Katya pressed her face into Ginger’s shoulder, feeling fire leaking out anyways. Ginger did not know, would never know. Katya just let herself feel heartbroken beyond repair and admitted,  “I just wish it didn’t hurt this bad.”

 

FIVE DAYS LATER

 

Katya was halfway to Trixie’s apartment, still feeling halfway to recklessly confessing her attraction, and halfway to cutting Trixie out of her life entirely. Despite both, she was driving calmly in her car.

Pulling up outside Trixie's building, Katya knew what she was going to do, which was basically nothing. The path of least resistance was clearly marked by saying nothing to Trixie that hadn't already been said. As Katya climbed the stairs, she wondered how long she could exist as the same person in Trixie's eyes, never changing, never needing anything, sitting on the same comfy ledge on the mountain of their friendship forever. She wanted to never stop being the perfect, attentive friend for her, always just a bit too eager to please.

There was no music playing through Trixie's apartment's door. There was no candy on the dining table, no dresses on the bed. Trixie seemed happy but focused, neither heartbroken nor ingeniunely bubbly anymore. She was wearing a tight, white shirt printed with emojis.

“Alright, my ass is here,” Katya said, dropping her backpack full of junk onto the ground in the living room. She had panicked and it brought with her, despite Trixie's insistence she wouldn't need makeup, first aid equipment, or a rubber chicken.

Trixie filed out of her bedroom having grabbed her laptop and her Burn Book, and held them close as she sank into her big chair. “Just a sec.”

Katya laid unceremoniously across her favourite bean bag chair, and watched Trixie click around and find pages in her book, smile growing slow and steady. She had no idea what Trixie was planning, but she tried not to let her anxiety come to a head.

“Okay. What do you think?” Trixie asked, spinning her laptop to show what looked like a video thumbnail open in Photoshop. It was one of their Romy and Michele photos from Halloween, but it didn't look like a picture from a party; it looked good. They were posing like the movie poster and Trixie had typed 'BEST FRIEND TAG’ over top.

“Wow!” Katya instantly reacted, impressed by the quality. The next thing her brain processed was the idea of sitting in Trixie's studio talking for an hour. “That's a great idea!”

“Right?” Trixie confirmed. “Yay, okay,” She said, turning the computer back and looking for something else.

Finally, Katya's brain got down to the details. “I thought Kim was your best friend,” She pointed out before she could stop herself.

Trixie gave her a confused look quickly. “I did this with Kim on her channel last year, and I did the sister tag with Farrah, all the same questions,” Trixie explained, clicking and typing, “Obviously you're one of my best friends,  _Michele_.”

Katya couldn’t help but feel happy friendship feelings at that, smiling and leaning back to look at the ceiling. She was human. She liked words of affirmation.

Trixie still had to set up her A/V equipment, so after she was assured multiple times that Katya didn’t need anything to eat or drink, she headed into her studio to start turning on lights and cameras. Katya chilled on the bean bag. Her makeup was fresh, and her hair was curled and nice. She had worn a red and blue velour turtleneck that made her look like a clown in a way she loved. She felt camera-ready.

Katya sipped regularly from her water bottle and browsed through Instagram on Trixie’s phone. Katya didn’t have Instagram, but it was starting to look like everyone else did. She scrolled down through pictures Trixie had already liked, of Farrah’s lattes and Kim’s makeup. Eventually she found a picture Trixie had posted the week before.

 **trixiemattel**  
[Image: Trixie and Katya are wearing their Romy and Michele costumes at Kim's party. They are looking at each other, standing almost as close together as possible. Trixie’s hands are holding Katya’s shoulders, her eyebrows are raised and her mouth is almost making a smile. Katya is beaming like an idiot.]  
Liked by **farrahrized** and **2,315 others  
** **trixiemattel** I met Lisa Kudrow!  
NOVEMBER 2

Katya looked at it. Trixie looked gorgeous and happy, but she wondered idly why Trixie hadn’t posted one of them looking more polished, posing like the movie poster. There was a heart shape beneath the picture, and Katya clicked it, making it fill up red.

Suddenly Katya realized she could hear Trixie doing audio tests, and got up to join her. She didn’t need any help but everything was ready in no time. They got settled on the set.

“This is…wow,” was all Katya could say, looking around at the backdrop, the camera, the chairs they were sitting in.  _I can’t believe I’m filming in Trixie’s studio._

“Yeah it’s okay,” Trixie qualified. She pulled her laptop within reach but out of the shot, and tossed her Burn Book onto the ground. “All set?”

“Mmhmm,” Katya confirmed.

Then they were recording. “Hi guys, I'm Taylor Momsen,” Trixie opened, and Katya immediately burst into giggles. Trixie watched her for a second. Katya breathed and tried to calm down. “You good?”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“Hi, I'm Tobey Maguire.”

Katya shrieked. She couldn't help it, she had to bounce in her chair and shake her arms. And she could feel Trixie smiling at her. “Are you, are you gonna do a normal one?” Katya asked.

“Maybe.”

Katya gave a her a look.

“Hi guys, it's Trixie Mattel, and I’m here with my _best_  friend, Katya Zamolo-shikova.”

Katya felt her face split into a smile as she looked over at Trixie.

“Was that right?” Trixie asked.

“It was close!” Katya encouraged.

“Okay, introduce yourself,” Trixie offered, gesturing to the camera.

Katya’s face felt warm as she looked and said, “Hi! I’m Katya Zamolodchikova. Trixie Mattel’s best friend, and the sweatiest woman on YouTube.”

Trixie held up one thumb to indicate the take was good as she reached for her book. She referenced something quickly and then dropped it again, quickly checking Katya was still good before her next line. “Because our friendship is so amazing,” Trixie gushed, reaching a hand over to touch Katya’s arm, “We wanted to share that with all of you, by talking about ourselves for an hour.” Katya nodded along, and reached up to pat Trixie’s hand. “Let’s get started.”

Trixie found the list on her laptop, and zoomed in so they could read it.

Trixie started. “ _Your favourite memory together_.”

Katya smiled. “Right now, when you tried to say my name.”

Trixie laughed once. “What happens when I actually get it right?”

“We get married,” Katya offered. She picked up Trixie’s hand and showed it off to the camera. “Gotta put a ring on it before some other bitch does.”

And then Trixie was laughing for real, leaning forward, taking her hand back so she could hold onto her knees.

Katya looked between Trixie and the camera. She was glad to have made Trixie laugh, but  _really_? She cursed at herself inside her head. She swallowed. “What’s your favourite memory of us?”

“Aw,” Trixie said, sitting up, “Doing your hair on Halloween.”

Katya smiled. “That was so nice,” She confirmed, thinking about all the reasons Trixie liked it that the subscribers wouldn’t know about. “There are pictures on Instagram.”

“Yes! At Trixie Mattel. Hello, plug on the first question,” Trixie cheered, holding her hand up and Katya high-fived it. “Next.”

Katya got to read, “ _Describe each other in one word_.”

Trixie’s eyebrows shot up. “One word? For all of _this_?” She gestured vaguely in Katya’s direction.

“Oh!” Katya started, feeling inspiration hit her, but all she could actually say was, “Um, pink?” They both giggled for a second, unable to come up with any other single words, before silently giving up.

“ _What is something weird that your best friend likes?_  Oh my god,” Trixie groaned, “Jelly shoes.”

Katya couldn’t help but wear a small, sly smile. When Trixie looked at her, she exaggeratedly flipped her hair over her shoulder and breathed, “Me.”

Trixie looked away to laugh, muttering, “I’ll allow it.”

“Okay.  _Something annoying your best friend does_ ,” Katya read. Her brain thought of an answer quickly, so she knew it didn't actually annoy her. She announced, “I got it. Country music.”

Trixie looked offended. “What?”

“Country music, all the time. We're listening to it right now,” Katya claimed, waving her hands around to stir the silent air.

Trixie turned decidedly to the camera and stated, “It's really annoying when Katya hallucinates country music,” making Katya sputter and shake with laughter. “I hope it's something good, at least, not like, Keith Urban or some shit.”

“Do you think I would know if I was listening to Kenneth Bourbon?” Katya posed.

Trixie fought hard not to laugh at that, voice slow and smile obvious as she read, “ _Your best friend’s dream job_.” She managed to swallow her excitement as she said, “I know yours is basically, game show host.”

Katya considered that, processing as she talked, “Um, making people laugh, and it uses my media arts degree. Yeah, it checks out,” She concluded, and she was struck by how much sense it made. It occurred to Katya that Trixie  _knew_ her. But she didn’t have time to think about that. She admitted, “I don’t know yours, is it, like, Mr. YouTube?”

Trixie was blank-faced as she answered, “I don’t really have dreams. I just do whatever.”

“You don’t have it all planned out in those books?” Katya asked, reaching for the one that was way too far away.

Trixie gently batted her away as she thought. “The books—the Burn Books aren’t about planning long-term,” She explained, gesticulating and looking around, “They’re just for documentation; what happened yesterday? What’s happening right now? What am I doing tomorrow?”

Katya just looked at her. She was carefully processing Trixie’s words instead of trying to come up with a way to make this funny, thinking about how polished and efficient every part of Trixie’s life seemed. Katya remembered she had just finished college. She thought maybe her life was like this on purpose.

“Anyways,” Trixie said, still looking deep in contemplation. She sighed a little, high-pitched and energizing. “ _Your best friend’s celebrity crush_.”

Katya was pointing at Trixie when she looked over. “Bob the Vlogger.”

Trixie pointed right back and challenged, “Me.”

Katya laughed, shaking her arms and turning away. She couldn’t help it. She wheezed and shook out all the nervous, stupid things in her brain. “Okay,” She forced herself to say, “Okay.  _Who would play your best friend in a movie?_  Michael Cera.”

Trixie instantly started chuckling. “I hate you. Um, here’s a question: would you want a transgender actress?”

Katya perked up. She answered it lightly, “I mean, yeah. Someone like Candis Cayne, Jamie Clayton.”

“I don’t think Candis and Michael Cera would work well together,” Trixie offered, and Katya was full of laughing and nice friendship feelings at Trixie assuming she would be in a movie about Katya. She would, though, Katya knew. Trixie simplified the next question: “Nicknames?”

Katya was ready. She counted on her fingers even though they weren’t keeping score as she listed, “Beatrice, Trixie, Tracey, Trinity, Tamara, Michael Cera of beauty vlogging, I don’t know, fuck, Barbie?” Katya shrugged as Trixie laughed. “I don’t know how that works.”

“I don’t know how it works either at this point,” Trixie said, wiping a tear from her eye.

“All my nicknames are dumb,” Katya supplied as Trixie breathed and shook her head. That was Katya’s general thought on nicknames, though Courtney was in love with ‘Kats’, Trixie and literally everyone else just stuck with Katya. She read, “ _What does your best friend always carry around wherever they go?_ ”

Trixie used her entire body to gesture to the door of the studio and declared, “A rubber chicken, apparently.”

Katya laughed. “You got me there. You got me.”

Trixie shook her head as Katya calmed down. She popped her shoulder forwards and looked over it in the cute, bratty pose she loved. “What about me?”

Katya blanked. She leaned over and mumbled, “A piece of my heart.”

“Aw, shut up!” Trixie exclaimed, giggling and wiggling on her chair. “Okay. _If your friend could have one superpower, which one would it be and why?_ ” Katya thought about it, and Trixie held up one finger. “I read that transgender people usual say shapeshifting, for this question.”

Katya had also heard of that, and although she didn’t identify with the usual, obvious motivation behind it as intensely as others, she appreciated the idea as a joke, and also that Trixie had found and remembered it. “Well, all transgender people want to look like Danny Devito, so, duh,” She offered, sending Trixie turning away, sputtering with laughter. She asked meekly, “Would you still love me if I looked like Danny Devito?”

Trixie looked back with conviction in her eyes. “If I looked like Michael Cera and you looked like Danny Devito, our relationship would be exactly the same.”

 

TWO DAYS LATER

 

 **Trixie** : The Beaver tonight!

 **Katya** : Abandoning editing for karaoke again?

 **Trixie** : [crying emoji][crying emoji][crying emoji]

 **Trixie** : It’s trivia night, and if you come with us, then I don’t look like a dick

 **Katya** : I gotta work in the morning but have fun [blue heart emoji]

 **Trixie** : [heart with a ribbon emoji]

 

TWO DAYS LATER

 

_Thank you so much. You've helped me more than you even know. This has been way too much fun and a dream come true. Honestly, Trixie, our friendship is—_

“—all a bit inappropriate, dontcha think, Kats?”

“Hm?” Katya's head snapped to look at Courtney, forgetting the 'Thanks for 50k subs’ speech she was planning to never actually give to Trixie.

“ _Dance Moms_?” Courtney offered, and sipped her wine.

“Oh, completely,” Katya said, looking to the rest of the table, everyone's semi-formal clothes illuminated by the chandelier in Courtney's dining room. Jake, Courtney's boyfriend, looked utterly confused at the other end as she said, “It's disgusting, but that's what makes it so fun to watch.”

Ginger piped up from the chair next to Katya, “Exactly. I never said I agreed with it, but I can't stop watching it.”

Jake's brother Isaac answered her: “Isn't it the same thing, really?”

Katya really should have paid attention to their continuing post-dessert discussion, but her phone lit up on the table again—for the fifth time in the last ten minutes. Trixie had posted the Best Friend Tag earlier that day and was then, in the middle of Courtney's dinner party, seeing fit to text Katya live updates of everything that happened. It occurred to Katya that maybe she didn't need to be reading them right then, but scrolled up through Trixie's updates anyways.

 **_Trixie_ ** _: Already hit 100k views_

 **_Trixie_ ** _: 1k comments omg_

 **_Trixie_ ** _: Everyone loves you so much. Thanks again!_

 **_Trixie_ ** _: Girl you hit 50k subs! [party popper emoji][party popper emoji][party popper emoji]_

 **_Trixie_ ** _: This is doing better than my roast video_

Katya smiled. She clicked to start a new message, immediately opening the emoji keyboard, and—

“Kats? Everything alright?”

Katya’s stomach sunk. She looked at Courtney. She had chosen to keep looking at her phone, and she knew she was being rude. “Yes, I’m sorry,” Katya instantly offered, looking around, making eye contact with Courtney’s friend Karen and her boyfriend Aaron across the table. “I make these YouTube videos with a friend, and she’s just texting me about it,” She explained. She stuffed her phone under her leg, praying Trixie wouldn’t message her anymore.

No one seemed bothered. Karen excitedly asked, “Is your friend popular? Maybe I’ve heard of her.”

Katya’s heart skipped a beat. “Trixie Mattel?” They were talking about Trixie now. That’s who this conversation was about. Katya picked up her wine glass.

Karen deflated a little as Katya sipped it. “No, sorry.”

Katya waved her off, swallowing and qualifying, “She hangs out with me, so, not that popular.”

“Mmm, still just friends though?” Courtney asked, barely managing an innocent look.

Katya knew Ginger was looking at her, but she just met Courtney’s eyes and calmly answered, “Yes, we’re great friends.” She drank her wine again.

Everything started to feel surreal and detached when Courtney said, “You should invite her next month.”

 _Oh…no_.

“Yeah!” Karen agreed, and Katya’s limbs felt heavy.

“That would be fun,” Ginger said, and when Katya looked at her, she wasn’t joking.

Katya’s couldn’t believe this. Courtney's next dinner party was right before Christmas, too, objectively the best one all year. “To the holiday party?” She asked, and Courtney nodded. Katya tried to breathe out of her panic. “I can ask, I mean—”

“That reminds me,” Courtney announced to the table, sitting up straight and easily commanding attention with her tiny body. “No White Elephant gift swap this year. Just bring your favourite booze, and Jake and I will handle the rest.”

Everyone looked impressed at that, and Jake was acting conspiratorial, but Ginger added, “Jake has no idea what’s happening, does he?”

All eyes were on him. Jake started to say, “Uh, I think it’s—”

“That’s what I thought,” Ginger concluded. Everyone laughed, and Katya tried to get back into the swing of the group. As they looked between Ginger and Jake, Katya felt Courtney surreptitiously give her arm a comforting squeeze.


	10. We're Compromising

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trixie had asked twenty-four questions about Katya’s mystery video since agreeing to it. Twenty-four times Trixie typed out a text to her, twenty-four moments of infinite entertainment for Katya.

TWO DAYS LATER

 

 **Trixie** : Want to come hang with Kim and Naomi at mine?

 **Katya** : I’m meeting Tatianna [broken heart emoji]

 **Katya** : Wish I could. Give them my love

 

Katya started to recognize the drive to her alma mater about halfway there. That was also about the time Ginger started asking Katya questions from the driver's seat, and she answered them, honestly but shortly, staring out at the familiar streets and signs. They talked about the parties and Trixie and the UCLA production of _Falsettos_ that Ginger was helping out with. Katya thought about how much time had passed since she'd graduated college, since she'd tried everything from wigs to dudes to Satanism. She had been maybe a little too reckless with her body, but she had climbed so high on the mountain to feeling comfortable as a woman and coming out, Katya thought back with nothing but thankfulness and amusement. It had been a good amount of time since she'd worn that neon crochet sweater under her graduation gown, but Katya didn't let herself feel worried about life. She had a good life. She liked what she was doing with it.

Ginger dropped Katya off at the humanities building and wished her luck. Katya waded through the thin rivers of young people with backpacks and coffees, easily finding office 2314, and she was just a little bit late. Katya had changed a lot since college, but not that much.

Katya knocked on the open door. “Hello?”

“Hi!” The professor said, immediately standing up from her desk and walking around. She was wearing a simple blouse and a high-waisted, below-the-knee skirt that made her seem ten feet tall. “Professor Colombo,” She introduced, shaking Katya's hand, “Call me Tatianna.”

“Tatianna,” Katya confirmed, “It's great to meet you. Katya.”

Tatianna smiled as she migrated backwards, choosing one of the chairs on the other side of her desk. “That's a beautiful name, is it Russian?”

“Yeah,” Katya confirmed, sinking into the other and pressing her knees together. “Thank you. I picked it out myself.” Tatianna laughed and looked at Katya. She was a beautiful woman. She was wearing a little bit of makeup, and Katya's brain instantly guessed how she could make it look so much better, but Katya figured she probably just shouldn't mention it.

“I don't want this to be too formal,” Tatianna said, though Katya wasn't sure what she counted as formal. The office was full of warm colours and light, and Katya felt comfortable in it. Tatianna sounded very friendly, starting, “Tell me about you.”

“Hm,” Katya hummed out of surprise, looking around as she brainstormed how to answer that. “I have a bachelor degree in media arts and I'm a registered yoga instructor,” She explained. “I…came out, started presenting as a woman…wow, like, six months ago now.”

Tatianna smiled encouragingly. “Nice,” She offered. Then, “How old are you?”

“Twenty-five,” Katya answered diplomatically.

“Ah. You're so young,” Tatianna crooned. She uncrossed her legs and crossed them the other way, turning as much towards Katya as she could while their chairs sat in parallel. “I'm coming up on my _third_ twenty-ninth birthday.”

Katya slid into impressed surprise. “And you're a professor?”

Tatianna nodded, swallowing it up and moving on. “So you teach yoga full-time?”

“Yes,” Katya confirmed, “And do YouTube part-time.”

That was the end of Katya's 'about me’, so Tatianna took over. She talked about growing up in rural Virginia, coming out and starting to transition in high school, studying psychology in New York, working with a bunch of the faculty at UCLA and ultimately moving to do her PhD there. Her research sounded really interesting though Katya didn't fully understand what it was. Psychology and gender stuff. How fucked everyone's brains were.

“And I have just had to explain very simple concepts many times over the years,” Tatianna explained, and Katya could see the built-up frustration, “I think taking advantage of platforms like YouTube to spread awareness could be really effective.”

Katya thought she sounded exactly right, _obviously_ right. “I totally agree. YouTube is perfect for that kind of thing.”

And then they were working, having switched over smoothly from friendly conversation, Tatianna talking structure and topics and Katya offering benchmarks and encouragements. Sprinkling the conversation with shared annoyances, they established a solid concept for what Tatianna wanted to do. They ended up clicking around on YouTube, skipping through content from trans people and educational things. Katya managed to find “The Same Parts” at one point, and Tatianna turned confusedly bashful at Katya's praise for it. Tatianna remembered something cool Katya did and they clicked around her profile for a bit.

In what felt like no time at all, their hour was up. Tatianna had to go. She wanted to give Katya a lot of creative control, and Katya felt like she had enough to throw something together. She promised Tatianna a rough cut within the week and they both assured they'd be incessant with email updates.

“Sounds great. There's just one more thing,” Tatianna said, closing all the YouTube tabs. She turned her body away from the computer and looked Katya in the eye. “I think it's great that you started out promoting the studio you work at, but going forwards, it's probably better if that kind of personal information isn't online.”

Katya's first reaction was _no. Rude._ She was an adult, she had made the decision to do that, and she wasn't going to _stand down_ because of _transphobic trolls_ —

“Katya,” Tatianna said, pulling her out if her head, “Please, at least consider it. I would recommend it.”

Katya took three seconds to breathe, in, and out. She looked at Tatianna, this beautiful woman who had struggled with things Katya had, seen the world like Katya saw. She swallowed. “Do you really…” She started, and couldn't finish. Katya looked away. She leaned into her chair a bit more. She told the desk, “I'll think about it.”

“Hey,” Tatianna said, her voice softer and quieter than Katya had heard it thus far. Katya looked at her, not sure if she should feel dumb or embarrassed. She mostly felt sad. “Things are getting better. And you know, you are doing so much good, Katya. Just being as visible and accessible as you've been is pretty new, and very valuable.” Katya stared at her. Tatianna thought all _that_ ? About _Katya_? But she wasn't even done. “People like you are the reason…soon enough, good people won't have to worry about this kind of thing.”

Katya gave her a look. “No, that's people like _you_.”

Tatianna smirked. “People like us,” She settled on. She stood up, picking up her laptop to carry it around her desk. “And we gotta stick together,” She added.

“Totally,” Katya agreed, standing as well. “Um. It was really nice to meet you.”

“Oh, come here,” Tatianna prompted, and they met around the side of her desk in a tight hug. “It was great to meet you too.” Tatianna left a hand on her shoulder as she stepped back. She looked at Katya and it felt like Katya could see so much in her eyes. Everything up there, and she didn't have to say anything other than, “I'm excited. This is gonna be fun.” How could Katya doubt herself anymore? How could she think life wasn't going to be amazing when there were people like Tatianna out there, living, working, being happy and successful?

Katya felt herself smile, and her own excitement follow it. She didn't have to say anything other than, “Me too.”

 

“ _Look, look, look, look, look. It's a lesbian from next door!_ ” Ginger sang emphatically as she sorted sheet music, cross-legged on the floor. She had insisted she couldn’t prepare anything for _Falsettos_ without filling the prop room with the cast recording, and her voice along with it.

Katya looked up from where she was laid across a pile of colourful medieval-looking costumes. “There are lesbians in _Falsettos_?”

“Mmmm hm,” Ginger confirmed, flipping the same piece of paper over and back, inspecting it closely. She hummed and was engrossed so Katya figured she wouldn’t mind if she checked her phone.

 **_Trixie_ ** _: Hey how’s it going?_

 **_Katya_ ** _: Amazing just had a great meeting with Professor Tatianna_

 **_Katya_ ** _: And now I am listening to lesbian musicals with Ginger_

 **_Trixie_ ** _: ‘Meeting with Professor Tatianna’ sounds like a porno tbh_

 **_Katya_ ** _: So does ‘Trixie Mattel tries foreign snacks’ but I let you post that shit_

 **_Trixie_ ** _: [skull emoji][skull emoji][skull emoji][skull emoji]_

 **_Trixie_ ** _: Ahhh!!!!_

 **_Katya_ ** _: What do you think of my Trixie Mattel look? (giant shoes not pictured)_

 **_Katya_ ** _: [Image: Katya is sitting on the floor of a prop room. Her hair and makeup is the same as it always is, but there’s a rainbow afro wig on her head, and she’s wearing a red clown nose.]_

 **_Trixie_ ** _: OH MY GOD I hate you_

 **_Trixie_ ** _: I hate youuuu I can’t_

 **_Katya_ ** _: [Image: Katya has lost the costume and is flipping off the camera, making a kissy face.]_

 **_Trixie_ ** _: [Image: Trixie, Kim, and Naomi are in Trixie’s living room, all giving the camera the middle finger. Kim and Naomi look amused, and Trixie looks ecstatic.]_

“How’s your lesbian next door?” Ginger asked, and Katya heard her own laughter stop as she looked up.

“Huh?”

Ginger smiled and kept working. “Trixie texting you?”

 _Oh_. Katya tried not to blush and huddled into the stash of cheap wigs she had found. “Maybe.”

 **_Trixie_ ** _: So when are you gonna make up for missing today [eyes emoji]_

 **_Katya_ ** _: I have another video idea! My place next Wednesday?_

 **_Trixie_ ** _: OMG yes!!!!! What are we doing?_

 **_Katya_ ** _: That’s a surprise )))_

 **_Trixie_ ** _: What_

 **_Trixie_ ** _: Nooooo_

 **_Trixie_ ** _: Katyaaaaa_

 **_Katya_ ** _: How does it feel bitch?_

 **_Trixie_ ** _: :(_

 **_Trixie_ ** _: Please just tell me_

 **_Katya_ ** _: Hahaha )))))_

“You okay?” Ginger asked.

Katya realized that despite the light-hearted texts she was sending off, she was hugging her knees and staring off into space. “Hm? Yeah.”

Ginger hated quick dismissals like that. “What’s up?” She kept sorting and straightening piles of yellowed paper.

Katya sighed. She played with the plastic strands of a huge purple wig. “I’m gonna hang out with her next week,” She said.

 _Swish. Thump thump thump_ , were the sounds Ginger’s hands made.

“ _It’s about time, don’t you think?_ ” were the lyrics playing out  of Ginger’s phone.

“Are you gonna ask her to Courtney’s party?” Ginger asked cautiously.

Katya breathed and hugged herself tighter. She felt nervous. “It’s not like I’m, _asking her out_ asking her. It’s just a party.”

“ _It’s about time to grow up and face the music_.”

Ginger looked at Katya. “I know that,” She said. _Do you know that? Does Trixie?_ She didn’t say.

Katya let her head fall and bang into the metal shelf, maybe a little harder than one should do willingly. She didn’t like being in this middle ground, living in this No Man’s Land with her thoughts and feelings about Trixie. She didn’t like being nervous about seeing her. She didn’t like worrying about little things, words, invitations.

“Girl, don’t stress out about this,” Ginger insisted. “If you’re feeling up to it, do it. If not, you have a whole month.”

 _A month_. That was a long time, right? Katya freed herself. She breathed and stood and shook out her limbs. “Yeah. You’re right,” She decided, spinning and stretching. Katya could play it by ear, wait for the right chance. It felt good to move. She traipsed back over towards Ginger and eyed the pile of intricate dresses and peasant clothing she had been reclining on earlier. “What show is this from, anyways?”

Ginger tried to hide a smile as Katya sunk down onto it and ran her hands over the fabric. “Do you really wanna know?” She asked.

Katya shrugged. “Yeah?”

Ginger sighed and shook her head a little. “ _Shrek The Musical_.”

Katya started. She looked down, and then at Ginger again. “You’re not serious.”

Ginger looked at her, humour but no joking in her eyes, “I’m deadly serious. It’s a big, bright, beautiful world, bitch.” It all crashed in on Katya at once and she was laughing, waving her arms and wheezing.

_Swish. Thump thump thump._

“ _It’s about time. It’s about time. It’s about time. It’s about_ —”

 

THREE DAYS LATER

 

 **Trixie** : Sephora run with kim wanna come?

 **Katya** : Yes!

 

TWO DAYS LATER

 

**Transgender People and Identities - Katya Zamolodchikova**

 

“Hi everyone!” Katya greeted from her regular setup, a chair in front of her white backdrop. “I’m Katya and today I’m going to talk about what it means to be transgender, and what you should know about transgender people and identities.”

Katya talked as excitedly and enthusiastically as she did in all her videos. “Transgender people are amazing, beautiful, talented, wonderful people. It just so happened that when they were born, the doctor said, it's a boy! Or it's a girl! But that person turned out to be something different than what the doctor said.

“That is the definition of a trans person. It’s very simple, even though it can be difficult for people to understand. I would say that one of the most important first steps to understanding gender as it’s relevant today, is to realize that you cannot know someone's gender just from looking at them. You can’t. Gender is very weird. It means a lot to some people, and not a lot to others. Everyone experiences gender differently, which means there is an infinite number of possible gender identities.

“Now, I am a woman. I’ve always been a woman, but it took me a while to figure it out. Everyone takes time to figure out who they are, and gender is a part of that no matter who you are. And figuring out who you are can be really fun! You can try different things, be ugly, be pretty, be weird. The only way you can go wrong with figuring out who you are is if you figure out that you're an asshole. You're not done. Don't be an asshole.”

 

 **Trixie** : Is there going to be animals involved? Cause that would be fun

 **Trixie** : Your video turned out great!! You're really smart [sparkling heart emoji]

 **Katya** : No

 **Trixie** : Okay

 **Trixie** : You're not becoming a prank channel are you?

 **Katya** : I'm not a psychopath

 

THREE DAYS LATER

 

Twenty-three.

 **_Trixie_ ** _: There’s not going to be a serial killer waiting for me at your house is there?_

Twenty-four.

Trixie had asked twenty-four questions about Katya’s mystery video since agreeing to it. Twenty-four times Trixie typed out a text to her, twenty-four moments of infinite entertainment for Katya.

 **_Trixie_ ** _: I don't wanna meet Jason Vorhees_

 **_Katya_ ** _: The most unlucky day: Wednesday the 3rd_

Katya didn't get much longer to fiddle over her perfect A/V setup, as the sharp knock on her door sounded within minutes of Trixie's last text. Katya breathed out nerves and went to open up.

“Does my building look like a horror movie set or something?” Katya challenged Trixie.

“Ugh,” Trixie tried, stepping inside, “There's just this one Russian bitch on the fourth floor that gives me the creeps.”

Katya pushed the door shut. They were in the tiny entryway, bodies close. “It’s good to see you too,” Katya said, voice low but meaning it, and Trixie smiled as she wrapped a tight hug around her.

Katya was starting to wonder how long Trixie was going to hold her there until she whispered, “ _I'm going to murder you if you don't tell me what this video is soon._ ”

Katya just extricated herself with a smile and asked, “Tea?”

Trixie's body physically relaxed and she whined a little, which Katya did _not_ think about more than she should have. Trixie wanted tea. “Yes, please.”

So Katya went to make tea.

She listened to Trixie move around and settle, at one point announcing, “Oh yeah, I brought that book back. Farrah says thanks.” A loud _thump_ sounded as the hardcover landed on the coffee table.

“Thank you!”

They sat on the couch amongst the A/V equipment and each snuggled into a corner. Katya felt warm and content. The tea was just right, and she watched Trixie enjoy it. “How's life?” Katya asked.

Trixie closed her eyes to sigh, and opened them as she breathed in the fumes from her mug. “Life is good. Work is good. I did a 'Winter Wonderland’ look for next week, and it was so cute.”

Katya smiled. “Oooh, do you have pics?”

Trixie gave her a look as she retrieved her phone, saying, “Obviously.” Katya watched her as she clicked through her phone, face twitching, eyebrows furrowing. Her makeup was more neutral today. She looked grown-up, beautiful, and Katya just wanted to touch her cheeks.

If she played her cards right, she would get to that day.

“Okay, Kim said this one was ugly,” Trixie offered, and Katya took the opportunity to move all the way over next to her.

“Oh my _god_ ,” Katya lamented, finding the silvery-blue makeup absolutely perfect. It was pretty and light and flawless. “How long has Kim been blind?”

Trixie giggled, scrolling for another picture that Katya fawned and nodded over. “Anyways,” Trixie redirected, “Your last video turned out so well!”

Katya waved her off but felt herself blush. “Thanks, you know, Tatianna told me everything to say.”

Trixie gave her a look. They both knew that was hardly what made a video good, and it was only part of what Trixie was complimenting. Trixie just said, “Has she found more people she wants to work with?”

“Mm hm,” Katya confirmed. “There’s Gia from Chicago, and Peppermint in New York, and for some reason I am copied on _all_ of the emails.”

“Oh honey, what you get, isn't always for you,” Trixie said matter-of-factly, making Katya choke and shake with laughter for a second.

She sighed loudly out of her laughs and said, “That was good.”

Trixie looked like she was trying and failing to smile smaller. She asked, “How are you?”

The question only prompted good feelings and excitement inside Katya. Happiness. Katya was happy. About most things, at least. “I'm good, really good,” She supplied. “I'm considering doing a 'Terrible Christmas Gift Ideas’ video.”

“Of course,” Trixie said quietly, and sipped her tea. Katya looked at her. It looked like Trixie was smirking. It felt like Katya was smirking. Was it because of Christmas gifts? Was Trixie thinking about getting something for Katya? Because Katya was definitely thinking about the present she had already bought for Trixie, despite the holidays being weeks away.

But Trixie wasn't saying anything, just shifting her eyes back and forth between the coffee table and Katya. Katya didn't think she should say anything more on that, so she didn't. “Mm, what are you doing for Christmas?” It was general. Not directly related to obligations with monetary value between friends, but indirectly applicable.

Trixie looked up, eyes bright. “We leave for Wisconsin on Boxing Day,” She explained, assumedly about her and Farrah. “But we do Christmas morning here. You should come!” Trixie offered.

It was sweet, and Katya didn't even let herself wish her answer was different. She pouted. “I'm in Boston. I wish I could, sorry.” Trixie waved a hand and sipped her tea, dismissing any negative vibes.

It occurred to Katya that now was the perfect moment. This was the moment she should open her mouth and ask Trixie to come to a party, meet the rest of her friends, and not play White Elephant. This was Katya's chance, but as her brain was making it happen, something clicked in her heart. She couldn't do it. Katya asked, “Is it just you and Farrah? On Christmas morning?” Trixie shook her head, and Katya was forcing herself not to feel stressed. _It's okay. There will be another opportunity._

“Kim usually comes, too,” Trixie explained, “Aja came last year. Everyone's welcome.”

Katya felt herself smile, her heart warm a little. “That's really nice.”

Trixie nodded. “It is.” Katya looked at her, and could see the joy, the love. Katya wondered if feeling happy yourself made it easier to feel happier for others. Trixie added, “Our own little L.A. family.”

“Wow,” Katya reacted instantly, suddenly filled with pride and love for Trixie and her own little family. She loved that. She was so happy Trixie had that.

Trixie looked embarrassed. “It's dumb, sorry—”

“No!” Katya tried, pleaded. _Does she think I'm making fun of her?_ Katya didn't have to reach far to put a hand on Trixie's arm. “No, that's awesome. It's human, and good.” Under her hand, Trixie was still, and maybe a little surprised, but she wasn't retreating into herself anymore. She was open and accepting. Maybe she didn't totally believe Katya, but she had heard her.

Trixie wasn't saying anything. She was thinking. Katya was looking at her, heat multiplying in the place their skin was touching. Everything was warm, and a little too quiet, and residual happy excitement was making the emptiness in Katya's brain feel comfortable.

Was this happiness? Did happy lives include sitting maybe a little too closely to your best friend, drinking tea and feeling good feelings? Did happy people try to convince each other the world was safe enough to love in? Katya didn't know. _Who knows?_ Katya didn't. She was trying not to look at Trixie's mouth. She was trying not to worry about whether she should ask Trixie to the Christmas party. Should she move back to the other side of the couch? Should she start talking? Should she move closer?

Trixie suddenly looked away and tipped the warm remnants of her tea into her mouth. She didn't say anything, just hummed once as she stood up and filed into the kitchen. Katya's hand fell freely to the couch.

Katya listened to Trixie rinsing the mug and realized how in her head she had been just a second ago. _Why did she just sit there? What had_ Trixie  _been thinking about?_

“So what's up with this video?” Trixie called from the kitchen.

Katya tried to forget everything that wasn't there and then. She got up and joined Trixie in the kitchen, sidling up close to set her own cup down in the sink. “Don't hate me,” She asked, as Trixie turned and leaned her back against the counter, warily regarding Katya. “I wanna do your makeup.”

 

Twenty minutes later, Katya was looking away from Trixie's bare, smirking face to smile at the camera. “Hi everyone! Welcome to another video. Today I'm here with my best friend Trixie Mattel, and we are going to take her makeup game to the next level.”

Trixie was eternally bemused, sitting dutifully in her chair.

Katya glanced over. “How are you, Trixie?”

“I'm great,” She answered.

“Are you ready to be beautified?”

“Ready as I'll ever be.”

“Yay!” And then for the camera, “Let's do it!”

Katya moved on, not bothering to film any other takes for the intro. She had her meager makeup collection spilled out on a table, just out of the shot. The other day, Kim had helped Katya secretly pick up a foundation in Trixie’s colour, and they had laughed together watching Trixie sample every glitter product in the store. Katya picked up the new foundation and gave it a shake. “The foundation, of our friendship,” Katya said simply. Trixie rolled her eyes as Katya squeezed it out onto her hand and started poking it with a brush. She wasted no time starting to paint it onto Trixie's cheek. Maybe it felt a little different to do this on someone else, but Katya knew what she wanted it to look like and wasn't worrying about doing anything perfectly.

Katya knew she was smiling just slightly as she worked. Trixie stared at her, face soft with leftover smug amusement. Katya was only had a couple inches taller than Trixie in the chair. As Katya finished one half, Trixie turned her head right on time so Katya could do the rest.

“Do you have other people do your makeup a lot?” Katya asked.

Trixie didn't really react but Katya figured she was trying not to move her face. “Kim never has time anymore, but she's amazing, of course. Farrah tried once for her channel and it was, a disaster.”

Katya smiled, remembering the video. Trixie had ended up a shiny, angry-looking mess. She switched quickly to concealer, watching Trixie watch her silently. Katya brought the smaller brush underneath Trixie's eyes.

Trixie tilted her head up. She waited a couple seconds before speaking in a low, quiet voice, “Edit this out, but, Violet did my face a couple times. It looked pretty nice.”

Katya managed to breathe evenly through that, acknowledge it with a 'hmm’, maybe giving up a little early under her eyes. Trixie looked her straight on. Katya poked the brush into the corners of her nose, thinking about how much she didn't care what Trixie looked like when Violet had painted her face. She got her head past the ‘pretty nice’ comment and back to ‘edit this out’. “So, you don't want your relationships online?” Katya asked. She moved to swap out her tools for powder and a kabuki brush.

“Yeah,” Trixie said, looking somewhere else. “I made it a rule a long time ago. I've dated a lot of girls since then.”

Katya could have guessed that, but hadn't been sure, and now it struck her. As she swirled powder onto Trixie's face, the idea of her cycling through beautiful girl after beautiful girl put Katya on edge. She was thinking about numbers. How long? How many? And she had to get out of her head.

Katya breathed, unclenched her jaw and looked at Trixie's face. She readjusted her hand and kept blending. She thought about the rule Trixie made a long time ago, and taking all her own personal information off her channel. Katya wondered if it was similar enough, if she could mention it. She decided she probably shouldn't because she didn't want Trixie to worry about that kind of thing.

Katya picked up some brown, glittery powder and croaked, “Bronzer? I barely know her!” It was stupid, anything to fill the air, and Trixie smiled and giggled a little. Katya's heart relaxed a little more as she started on her forehead, dragging it lightly over skin.

Trixie joked, “I feel like, I'm being held hostage in a foreign country and the boss's girlfriend is making me up.”

“Mr. Ivan, this what he like,” Katya pleaded in a Russian accent, making Trixie laugh again.

They settled into the warm quietness as Katya finished with the bronzer. She didn’t know if this video was going to be funny, or good. She was just doing Trixie’s makeup. Trixie watched her as she switched out for a pink blush Katya never used. As Katya brought the brush up, Trixie smiled a little, and Katya’s heart jumped a little before remembering Trixie was helping her apply the blush correctly. Katya breathed, hand frozen for a second, and then pressed lightly over Trixie’s cheek.

Katya focused on the rhythm of her movements, staring intently at the pink dust transferring to the skin. She moved her arm methodically. Katya’s brain was empty of everything beyond this face, this brush, this product.

Trixie moved to drink from her water bottle and it snapped Katya out of it. She looked at Trixie’s face overall. It looked…different than Trixie's usual makeup. A high-saturation version of Katya’s everyday look. Katya decided it was fine. _Eyeshadow_.

Trixie eyed the black powder nervously, and Katya let herself feel smug excitement. “Chill,” She encouraged, sweeping a generous amount onto her eyeshadow brush.

But that only seemed to put Trixie more on edge. “Katya, I never even had a goth phase.”

“Well I never got to play with Barbies,” Katya countered, “So we're both compromising.”

Trixie looked surprised enough to delay the eyeshadow brush a moment longer. “You've _never_ had a Barbie?”

Katya shrugged. “I just made my trucks rub their bumpers together,” She joked. Trixie laughed at that, small and close, curling into herself. Katya reached the black eyeshadow towards her face but Trixie grabbed her hand. “What?” Katya asked, making Trixie laugh harder. She wouldn't let go so they both laughed, hands clasped together and heads close.

“I can't, I can't,” Trixie groaned through her giggles, and Katya bounced in place.

Finally, Trixie held Katya at an arm's length and calmed down, regulating her breathing and fanning her teary eyes. Katya still felt it, the sweet satisfaction of making Trixie laugh, the nagging feeling that nothing would ever make Katya happier than this. She still felt it, every time Trixie brightened or screamed.

“Okay,” Trixie surrendered, and Katya's stomach swirled as she shook her head a little and shut her eyes.

 _Keep it together_ , Katya warned herself. She tried to breathe without moving her chest and raised her hand to Trixie's face.

Putting black eyeshadow on an eyelid. Katya could do this in her sleep. Her hand felt a little shaky, but it wasn't difficult. The main goal was to make it big, extend the smokey effect farther than Katya would on herself, so she could draw the giant eyeliner wings Trixie was known for and have everything match. Katya took her time coaxing the shadow up to her brow bone.

Trixie's blank eye flicked open. “No peeking!” Katya shrieked, and Trixie laughed so quickly she leaned forwards a little.

Katya instantly panicked at the black smudge on Trixie's eyelid and Trixie froze, probably having felt the brush press against her. Katya cursed automatically, “Fuck.”

“Shit,” Trixie said within a millisecond.

“It's okay,” Katya promised, begging her past self to have practiced enough to be able to fix this. “I can fix it, it's fine.”

Trixie just tried to stay as still as possible, but even with her lips pressed together she was giggling, shoulders bobbing. Katya smiled and shook her head, blending out the mistake as best she could.

“Sorry,” Trixie mumbled.

“‘Sokay,” Katya answered quietly.

Finally, Katya stood back, examining the first eye. She sighed and migrated around, gathering more product and starting on the second side. As Katya worked, her perfectionist tendencies started to leak out, and soon enough she couldn't touch the brush to Trixie's skin for more than a second before she had to back up and compare it to the other.

“Sisters not twins,” Trixie offered at one point.

“Huh,” Katya paused and answered, “I really thought you were gonna get through this without telling me what to do.”

Trixie opened her eyes in shock. “Oh no, I'm sorry!” She pleaded.

Katya just moved back in with the brush and Trixie obediently shut her eyes. “So disappointed,” Katya teased as she worked the black powder into her eyelid. It didn’t take much more for Katya to feel satisfied with the eyeshadow, but now she was thinking about eyeliner, and just how easy it would be to thoroughly fuck everything up with just that.

 _Chill_ , She told herself. _It doesn’t need to be perfect. It doesn’t even need to be good_. Katya gave the eyes one last once-over, and set the eyeshadow brush down decisively. Trixie peeked as she picked up her favourite, blackest liquid liner. Katya opened it up, starting to crouch down. She was going to have to be close to make this work. Trixie looked down at her knees, so her eyelids lay flat, but weren’t quite closed. Katya was looking her as straight on as she could while a little to the right, empty hand holding the far side of Trixie’s jaw, eyeliner applicator poised above her eye.

Katya just went for it. Starting halfway along her eye she drew an even black line. Katya was a picture of perfect focus, hardly moving save her arm and eyes to follow it, as she drew careful, measured lines over Trixie’s lid over and over. She ensured the first part was totally filled solid, and outlined the wing.

Trixie exhaled, loud enough that Katya noticed it for the first time, and then she swallowed. Katya could hear that too. It distracted her.

Katya leaned back. “Are you okay?” She checked.

Trixie’s eyes flickered up only momentarily, probably because she knew she could smudge the liner if it was still wet. Katya watched her cheeks redden just a little. “Yeah, I’m good,” She said, and let her eyes slide all the way shut. “Go for it,” Trixie instructed.

Katya didn’t know what was going on but her brain didn’t care at the moment, only seeing the glaring patch of pale skin that was supposed to be painted black. She refreshed the tiny brush and moved in quickly to continue drawing.

Katya was listening to Trixie breathe now, unsure of why she couldn't hear it before. She focused on making tiny, precise strokes. Trixie’s lips were moving, sliding against each other—but Katya couldn’t even _see_ Trixie’s lips, how did she know that?

 _Seriously, chill_ , Katya told herself, and glared at the black liner. She refreshed the brush again and cleaned it up, filled it solid.

Katya moved to the other side. She stood further back now, so she could get her hand at the right angle. She quickly created the black shape, extending and filling it as she went. Katya couldn’t stop herself from watching the sliver of Trixie’s eyes flick to look at Katya’s feet, and then her own knees again. Trixie’s hands were clasped severely in her lap.

 _Maybe someone else applying eyeliner feels weird to her_ , Katya posed, and resolved to move as quickly as she could. She drew the wing out, referencing the other side periodically, bringing it out to end in line with her natural eyebrows.

Katya cursed when she realized she should fill out the other side a little more, and flitted around to reposition in front of Trixie’s face. Katya leaned in randomly, trying to visualize the line to draw, but just before the brush touched her skin, Trixie’s eyes slid open.

Katya looked at her, hands frozen in air and on her jawbone, realizing their faces were really _really_ close. Trixie just stared back, huge brown eyes open confidently. Tingling feelings were spreading out through Katya’s body, a mix of embarrassment and desire and premonition. Katya knew, before it happened, and she couldn’t stop it, she knew that she was going to look at Trixie’s mouth and she _did_.

Panicking and accepting at the same time, Katya leaned back and straightened up. Trixie stared at her. Katya’s face felt heavy, set permanently into a resting neutral scowl. She looked at the brush and refreshed it, then addressed Trixie, “I just have to fix this side.”

Trixie’s eyes looked down and she put her hands on her knees, pushing her dress down before closing her eyes and presenting them for easy access. Katya forced herself to breathe evenly as she leaned in quickly, drew an extra line, and got out. She stood back. It looked good; Katya had done a good job. The black liner was big and the sides were similar enough to each other.

“Open?” Katya asked, and Trixie did. Trixie smiled a little bit. Katya felt confused. She was satisfied with the work, but also a little bit nervous, brain still stuck on being too close to Trixie. Why had she just stared at her like that? Why didn’t she turn her face or something? Did she know Katya was into her? Was she mad? Should Katya—

“Done?”

“No!” Katya exclaimed, ignoring the seizing of her chest and waving the closed eyeliner around as she put it back on the table. _Mascara and lips_ , She silently inventoried. She also silently ditched her original plan for the lips; just lipstick would be fine. No need to sit around waiting for three layers to dry. Katya shook the mascara. She didn’t care if it was sloppy, she left plenty of space between Trixie and her as she coaxed it gently onto Trixie’s eyelashes. Once each eye started to make sense with all the liner and shadow, Katya nodded and moved on.

She turned the rich red lipstick up out of its tube slowly, and watched Trixie bite the inside of her lip. Katya didn’t know if it was on purpose or not, but either way it was hilarious. Katya smiled and took a brush to the lipstick, sidling up just close enough to paint it onto Trixie’s waiting lips.

Katya tried to focus but this was Trixie’s _mouth_ . She let her brain wander to other things, hands methodically handling the red paint. She suddenly remembered Courtney's party. What kind of message would that send, gawking at her lips when their faces had been so close and then basically asking her out? _That will not go well if I try to invite her now. But if I don’t…_ Katya realized she didn’t know what was going to happen. She didn’t know what Trixie was thinking. Was she mad? Was she going to cut Katya out of her life or something?

Katya tilted her head as she examined her work. She dramatically smacked her lips, and Trixie copied, red skin tightening and snapping fluidly. Katya took another half-step backwards to regard the look as a whole… _Why did I do this myself?_

Trixie was beautiful, as always, of course, but with red lips and dark smokey eyes, she was a new kind of sexy. Katya never should have let herself even entertain this idea. _Fuck. I’m never gonna get this out of my head_ . Trixie blinked and let her lips pout and Katya was _acutely_ aware of the feelings in her stomach.

“Done?” Trixie asked again.

Katya realized she was standing and staring now. “Um, yeah. Here,” She said, grabbing the big handheld mirror off the table and handing it to Trixie.

Trixie gasped, pure surprise at first at her own appearance, and she turned her face this way and that to let the light illuminate the hills and valleys of her face. Slowly, she started to smile, started to show that didn’t totally hate it. “This is, amazing,” She declared, looking up at Katya. Then, “I look like you!”

Katya smiled. “No, you don’t.”

But Trixie wasn’t listening, she was standing and fixing her ponytail and posing for the camera. Katya moved to ensure she was out of the shot. She watched Trixie work, smile, pout, watch herself in the tiny adjustable screen attached to the camera. “I look _so_ good,” Trixie gushed, looking down over one shoulder and fluttering her eyelashes.

Trixie noticed Katya smiling over at the side and started. “Come here,” She said, and when Katya approached carefully she pulled Katya her close to her side. They moved close enough to the camera so it would basically just be their heads. “We’re giving you foreign, femme fatale, hostages,” Trixie narrated, posing, and Katya tried to follow along. She was mostly pulling stupid faces but this wasn’t about her.

“Am I dangerous?” Katya drawled, maybe putting on a bit of an accent, “Am I beautiful?”

“I’m neither.”

“ _Ve’re neither_ ,” Katya confirmed, and Trixie giggled next to her. Katya forgot her feelings and worries and just posed, blew kisses, smiled as wide and as bright as she could. She laughed and made Trixie laugh, feeling bittersweet satisfaction now, feeling a longing for something that was only slipping farther and farther away.

Katya wrapped everything up quickly then, not wanting the air to get silent long enough for her to find out if it would be awkward. She made no promises or invitations, and soon enough Trixie was headed out the door. Katya stood awkwardly in the living room, looking at her own feet. Trixie was waiting in the doorway. Why was she doing that? Katya didn't look up, couldn't. Katya found out that the silence was indeed awkward, but she wasn't about to raise her head and acknowledge that now. Katya listened to herself breathe until she heard her front door shut.


	11. Any Xena Costumes Lying Around?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She tried to rekindle that courage. Katya had believed, even just for a day, that she had been meant to buy that gift. She thought she could believe it again, because she believed in fate. Sometimes you’re just supposed to find the perfect pair of shoes, or keep your mouth shut for a minute, or do your best friend’s makeup.

TWO DAYS LATER

 

 **Katya** : I need a favour

 **Courtney** : Shoot

 **Katya** : My next video is ‘Doing my best friend’s makeup’ with trixie

 **Katya** : I can’t keep looking at it can you check if it seems normal?

 **Katya** : youtu.be/BFF_makeup_private

 **Courtney** : Kats. I know jack shit about this

 **Katya** : It doesn’t need to be good. It doesn’t need to be right

 **Katya** : Just NORMAL

 **Courtney** : Looks normal to me

 **Courtney** : What’s up?

 **Katya** : Nothing don’t worry about it

 

TWO DAYS LATER

 

“ _Jason, if you want a bar mitzvah, God knows you can have a bar mitzvah. But I have to know, and I have to know now, just what it is you want_.”

Katya bounded excitedly into the prop closet, and Ginger smiled over from the center of the furniture mountain at the back, as she turned down the _Falsettos_ soundtrack on her phone. “Hey,” Ginger called, inspecting a chair and marking something on her clipboard, “How was your meeting?”

“Really good,” Katya answered. She claimed a folding chair by the door and let her bag fall to the ground. Her meeting had been really good. She had just met with Tatianna to debrief the first video and plan the second—which they narrowly managed to do all in an hour. They liked to talk, liked to laugh. But Katya felt excited and prepared for the next video.

The first video had been doing great, as well. Maybe better than her other videos usually did. There was lots of nice comments and support, and apparently Tatianna was linking to it on other resources all over the internet. Katya had been surprised, though she probably shouldn't have been, at the amount of comments that made her glad she had listened to Tatianna and scrubbed her profile of personal information. Katya and Tatianna had talked about the hatefulness and transphobia for longer than Katya had expected, but shorter than Tatianna was willing to. She would have talked to Katya for the whole hour, longer, if Katya had actually been upset or bothered by it.

But Katya wasn't. She had reassured Tatianna multiple times that she was fine, and then they’d finally moved on to next steps.

“That's good,” Ginger confirmed, and Katya could literally only see her head above the couches and ottomans. Katya unlocked her phone and clicked around some before realizing she didn't have anything to do. No one was texting her. She scrolled around Twitter, but it was dead that day.

“ _There's no right and there's no wrong. Just say yes or no, and we'll promise to go along_.”

“Need any help?” Katya asked, standing and moving to hover at the edge of the pile of furniture.

“ _Finally now it’s all my decision!_ ”  Ginger looked kind of surprised but had no qualms putting Katya to work. She lifted and dropped tables and chairs to the emphatic _bang_ s in the music.  " _Like it's my bar mitzvah. Just like nothing happened! Hell, let's have a party! Just like nothing happened! Why don't you make this dumb decision yourselves, okay? Why don't you make this dumb decision yourselves?_ ”

As the singing drew out and slowed down, Katya glanced back at where she had left her phone on the chair across the room, trying to remember if she had heard it vibrate with a new notification.

“ _No_ ,” Someone sang determinedly.

“Can you push that to the wall?” Ginger asked.

“Yeah,” Katya agreed, and forced herself to accept that no one was texting her as she shoved the chair over. She let herself get into it. Katya lifted, moved, counted, and described casters. Ginger made notes and cheered sporadically, without any rhyme or reason Katya could see, but she was glad to help.

When Ginger was satisfied, she insisted on thanking Katya with lunch. They set out walk to a familiar cafe near campus. They enjoyed the cool weather, and Ginger mused idly about the auditions for _Falsettos_ , at least for a little bit.

“Anyways, you excited for Courtney's Christmas party?” Ginger asked, and Katya knew from memorizing the route to the restaurant so long ago that they weren't halfway; she wasn't getting out of this conversation.

“Yeah, totally,” Katya replied simply. “Do you think they’d kick me out if I just brought Stoli Hot? Jalapeño vodka?”

“I’m bringing a bottle of Bailey's and I'm not sharing, so I'd be right behind you,” Ginger joked, or at least Katya hoped, because _euch_. They laughed as they walked. Then Ginger asked, “You invite Trixie yet?”

Katya's brain took a second to panic at the mention of Trixie before spitting out, “No.” Then she regretted answering so quickly. Now she was regretting staring down at the sidewalk. _Fuck, why can’t I just act normal about one thing for once in my life?_ Katya had given away that something was up and Ginger had accepted it easily.

She leaned forwards a bit as they sauntered to try and get Katya’s attention. “Why not?” Ginger asked, like the question was obvious.

The question _was_ obvious. The answer was complicated. Katya crossed her arms and then slid her hands up to hang on her shoulders, trying to make herself smaller. They kept trekking along the row of unkempt houses. “We haven’t talked in a week,” Katya said, not answering the question.

Ginger was just listening and looking, Katya could tell.

“We normally text, like, every day,” She explained. Everything was storming around in her head: waking up on November 1st with Trixie's face in her back and hand in her hair, Courtney’s meaningful glances, Trixie's mouth so so close to hers, staring at her notificationless phone, Trixie pausing in Katya’s doorway as she left. Katya said, “I can’t ask her.”

Ginger reached up and touched Katya’s arm, gently trying to tug it free, but Katya resisted and squeezed herself tighter. She felt like she needed to physically hold herself together. She wished she could sit down, hug her knees to her chest, squish her legs together. Ginger asked, “Did something happen?”

Thinking back, it was very clear to Katya that nothing was clear to her. She couldn’t separate her actions from her feelings from her thoughts. Had Trixie been uncomfortable? Had Katya projected that onto her? Was she the only one freaking out? Obviously not, as Trixie hadn’t DMed her a Bob the Vlogger meme in days. Katya just couldn’t—or didn’t want to—think about _why_. “I don’t know,” She said, “I don’t know if something happened, and that’s the problem.”

Ginger was having none of that. “Girl, you need to talk to her, if you don’t even know what’s wrong.”

Katya hated that idea, but of course she did. That was how humans worked. She knew she was going to hate and hate and hate that idea until maybe one day, she didn’t anymore. Maybe she could follow Ginger’s advice some day down the line, but she didn’t have anything to say right then, feeling nothing but regret and revulsion surrounding her.

“I really think you should invite her,” Ginger offered. Katya managed to reason with her brain and file that information away for later use.

“Hmm,” was all Katya could say. She focused on putting on foot in front of the other, sliding her hands down her arms one inch at a time. They walked in silence for a bit, and Katya was thankful Ginger could tell she needed that.

As soon as the diner came into view, Katya was struck with nostalgia and excitement. “Oh wow,” She said, fixing her hair and hiking her bag up on one shoulder.

“Yeah, you've been here before,” Ginger joked. “Remember when you brought—”

“The Ouija board?”

“—a Ouija board and got us kicked out?” Ginger finished over Katya's guess, and Katya was already smiling and chuckling. They bet on whether the 'No Seances’ sign was still up and laughed the rest of the way there.

 

SIX DAYS LATER

 

Katya @katya_zamo

The lovely Miss Peppermint sharing her experiences youtu.be/pep_talks

 

“I told you, I booked my flight this morning,” Katya promised.

Over the phone, her mom replied in Russian, asking her to check, double check, and please bring some more succulents for her garden. Katya was lying on her bed, scrolling idly through whatever was open on her laptop while her mother ranted, lamented, and asked rhetorical questions about Katya's impending Christmas visit.

_Skinny Legend commented “wtf. trixie is so hot in this” on: Doing My Best Friend's Makeup - Katya Zamolodchikova._

_Maia Michele commented “Katya I would die for you” on: Doing My Best Friend's Makeup - Katya Zamolodchikova._

_bro commented “These two crack me up no matter what.” on: Trixie Mattel Rates My Wardrobe - Katya Zamolodchikova._

_KimChiLove commented “katya zamolodchikova has never used a fake eyelash in her life smh” on: Doing My Best Friend's Makeup - Katya Zamolodchikova._

Katya clicked the ‘thumbs up’ button on that one.

" _Екатерина!_ ” Her mom called. “ _Are you listening to me?_ ” Despite the fact that Katya's new name was twice as long as her old one, her mother had no trouble barking it to get her attention.

“Da?” Katya replied lazily, smiling to herself. It was funny when her mom got worked up on the phone. Katya knew it was because she loved her, and missed her.

Her mom explained she had to go but the garden was looking good, there was going to be plenty of food so Katya could bring anyone special if she wanted, please bring a succulent and she'll see Katya very soon.

“Thanks, мама. Я тебя люблю,” Katya said. _I love you_.

“ _Я тебя люблю_ ,” Her mom said back.

Katya looked at her phone as it hung up, and she had three new text messages.

 **_Courtney_ ** _: Hey_

 **_Courtney_ ** _: We could pretend I need to confirm numbers for the party_

 **_Courtney_ ** _: But I just want to know if you've invited Trixie yet_

Katya groaned and let her face fall forwards into the duvet. She didn't like this. She didn't like Trixie not talking to her. She didn't like not talking to Trixie, but the fear of trying to invite her outweighed that. Katya was stuck. She didn't like this. She was torn between wishing her friends would forget about Trixie and wishing they would tell Trixie everything for her.

Katya couldn't really breathe, so she picked her head up, and her brain automatically read what was on the screen in front of her.

_Jamie commented “I showed this to my best friend and she said it helped her understand my identity so much better. I love this video thanks katya <3” on: Transgender People and Identities - Katya Zamolodchikova. _

Katya felt all her feelings soften. Her heart warmed a little, and for a second she felt stupid for worrying about parties and friendships. People dealt with worse, she had dealt with worse...but then Katya steeled herself. Remembering all that stuff was useless unless she stopped moping around and moved on, lived her life, made something of herself.

 **_Katya_ ** _: You really think I should invite her?_

 **_Courtney_ ** _: We care about you and you care about her. Everything else aside this about getting together with people we love_

 **_Courtney_ ** _: Other than that, it's going to be so fun and we all know it will be even more fun with Trixie!_

 _Okay_ , Katya thought, _I can't hate this idea any longer._ She shut her laptop and started calling Trixie before she could stop herself. It rang as Katya stood up, paced around her bedroom.

 _Click._ “ _Katya?_ ” Trixie said as she answered, mostly sounding surprised.

But Katya didn’t care if Trixie was surprised. She was calling her so that she wouldn’t have to do this in person, wouldn’t have to watch all her emotions magnified through eyeliner and pink lipstick. Katya was done worrying about what Trixie was thinking. She just wanted them start talking again. “Trixie!” Katya returned. “How’s it going?” She leaned into lunges and shuffled around as she talked, keeping her body moving.

“ _Good,_ ” Trixie said, not actually saying anything. Then, “ _What’s up?_ ” That was what she always asked, even though things were different than they had always been.

“Yeah, um, my friend Courtney is having this Christmas party on the nineteenth. Do you wanna come?”

“ _Of course I’ll be your date!_ ” Trixie said. She was laughing. Katya was trying not to think about the nonexistent knife being driven into her chest, creating very existent pain. Trixie was laughing like she always laughed at her own jokes.

Katya’s brain kicked into defensive-friendship mode, and she heard herself say, “No. _Eugh_.”

“ _Rude!_ ”

Katya didn’t know what Trixie was thinking or feeling, but she wanted her to have a real explanation for that. “No, I mean, Courtney watches all my videos, she knows you…She invited you specifically.”

There was a beat of silence. “ _So_ I _can bring a date?_ ”

“Who?” Katya countered, thinking this joke was either two weeks late or two weeks early but she was saying it now. “Violet? If you’re trying to get rid of a Xena costume, I’ll take it.”

Trixie laughed, three hoarse screams. “ _You’ll have to beat Vi’s offer_.”

“Mama, anything I have to offer would be better than Violet Chachki's sorry ass,” Katya managed, stretching back and forth to distract herself from panicking. _Did I just say that?_

After laughing for a second, Trixie made a sound that seemed like a cough but Katya wasn’t sure and wasn’t thinking about it. “ _So, the nineteenth?_ ”

“Yeah,” Katya confirmed.

“ _Great. I’ll see you then._ ”

“See you.”

“ _Bye_.”

“Bye.”

 **_Katya_ ** _: She said she'll come are you happy?_

 **_Courtney_ ** _: Very :)_

 

ONE DAY LATER

 

Katya @katya_zamo

It's always cyber Monday in my pussy tbh

 

Twitter

@TrixieMattel liked your tweet.

 

@TrixieMattel: Check out @Mary3451’s Tweet: https://twitter.com/link

 

Mariana @Mary3451

this is like the breakfast club in reverse @TrixieMattel @katya_zamo  
[Image: A screenshot of ‘Doing My Best Friend's Makeup’. Trixie's eyes are covered in black makeup and Katya is applying red lipstick to her lips.]

 

@katya_zamo: [blue heart emoji] )))

 

ONE DAY LATER

 

“Oh my god, it's a famous YouTuber acting like a fool in public!” Courtney pretended to yell. There was no one else in the parking lot of the yoga studio anyways.

Katya rolled her eyes from where she was sprawled across the plastic sleigh display Alyssa set up. It really should have had a ‘Do Not Sit’ sign on it somewhere. It was just a little too small for a skinny adult woman, but not small enough to deter Katya, obviously. Courtney was standing a couple feet back so she could get Katya and all four reindeer in the picture, though her phone was dangling useless at the moment. “Did you take it?” Katya asked, as the chair was digging into her back, and the plastic snaps on the back of the UCLA hat she’d forced over her work ponytail were digging into her forehead.

“Yeah,” Courtney said, picking up her phone and instantly getting lost in her screen.

Katya sat for a moment longer, looking over at the sun in the middle of setting. It was almost dark. She heard one of the cars in the parking lot start, and it pulled out onto the road where Katya could see it. Matt, another instructor, was driving the car. His face looked confused and Katya waved at him.

“And _this_ , is why I stopped hiring twenty-somethings,” A voice said, and Katya knew it was Alyssa's before her head whipped around to see her boss sauntering out the front door.

“Sorry!” Katya called. “Fuck.” She cursed as she struggled but managed to pull herself off the display.

Alyssa didn't appear to care. “You break it you buy it,” was all she could be bothered to say as she headed towards her car.

“Come on Alyssa,” Courtney called, handing Katya her bag back, “Are you sure you don't want to come to my Christmas party?”

Alyssa bodily paused, purses and accoutrements swinging at the deceleration. “Is it still a drunken, cholesterol-rich gathering of overgrown teenagers like…that?” Alyssa gestured to Katya as she violently brushed red glitter off her ass.

Courtney shuffled over to wrap her arms protectively around Katya's head. She sing-songed, “Maaaybe…” Katya grabbed around her middle in response.

Alyssa chuckled. “Have a good night, girls.”

“Night, Alyssa.”

“Good night!”

 

Katya @katya_zamo

On my way to steal your girl

[Image: Katya is posing with her arms crossed, face serious, wearing a baseball cap backwards. She is sitting in a decorative Santa’s sleigh and one of her feet is kicking over a reindeer.]

 

Twitter

@TrixieMattel liked your tweet.

 

Trixie Mattel @TrixieMattel

@katya_zamo everyone please stay inside tonight. L.A. just isn’t safe anymore

 

ONE DAY LATER

 

There was a red bag sitting on Katya's dresser. Katya was sitting on her bed trying to watch Kim's Christmas look video, but she could see the bag, and couldn't stop herself from looking up at it every three fucking seconds.

It was Trixie’s Christmas present, and Katya regretted buying it. Not for money reasons. Katya was fine; her apartment was small, and the studio was a good job—plus her second meager YouTube check had come in, though it barely made a dent. It wasn't like she _wasn't_ going to give the present to Trixie, either. She didn't know if she was going to, and somehow that was worse. The 19th was inching closer with every colour Kim added to her eyelids, and Katya was back to worrying what Trixie would think, how it would all look, if it would make things weirder than they already were. Kim started to blab about a sponsor and Katya was overcome by the new, unique anxiety that came with this being such a personal thing, giving a gift. This was coming from Katya's heart, trying to speak to Trixie's life, who she was. Katya felt so uncertain about everything, and it was all magnified by the stupid holiday season.

But then Katya started thinking about when she had been buying the present, before everything got weird. She had felt so confident, so sure. She'd felt none of these doubts. Picking up Trixie's gift and bringing it to the register had been the most obvious, easiest next step Katya had ever taken in her life.

She tried to rekindle that courage. Katya had believed, even just for a day, that she had been meant to buy that gift. She thought she could believe it again, because she believed in fate. Sometimes you’re just supposed to find the perfect pair of shoes, or keep your mouth shut for a minute, or do your best friend’s makeup.

Katya let her head fall back to hit the headboard as her body re-internalized the knowledge that she _had_ been meant to buy Trixie's gift. She breathed and looked at it. Katya knew that much. It had made so much sense to buy it.

So what could that mean she was supposed to do with it?

 

 **Trixie** : Hey so what's up with the 19th? I'm so excited!

 **Katya** : Me too should be fun! Just meet at mine at 6

 **Trixie** : Should I bring anything?

 **Katya** : Got any Xena costumes lying around?

 **Katya** : Just kidding! It's semi-formal btw ))

 **Trixie** : Got it :)

 

FOUR DAYS LATER

 

Katya answered the door in a UCLA t-shirt and sweatpants. “Hey!”

“Hi,” Trixie said, with that huge smile Katya just realized she had been missing.

 _Chill, it's not like we haven't waited weeks to hang out before_ , She reminded herself, as she let Trixie in. She was already wearing a short gold dress with garlands of sequins dripping off it, hair done up big and lips a sweet pink.

“I thought we were heading out now,” Trixie asked, a bit perplexed as she hovered in the foyer.

Katya just filed into the living room, announcing, “Nope! Dinner is at 7, which means quarter to is right on time.”

Trixie nodded as she processed that and stepped out of her black ballet flats. She looked around a bit as her stocking feet carried her inside, like she hadn't spent hours in this room before.

“Do you want water or anything?” Katya checked, hovering halfway to the kitchen.

Trixie dropped her bag and sank into the couch. “I'm good, thanks,” She answered automatically.

Katya swallowed her nerves and joined her on the couch. She turned a little bit but not all the way, hoping not to crowd Trixie. “So how's it going?”

Trixie smiled in a way that could have been totally fake. “Good.”

Katya nodded, and felt like the night was already over before it had begun. Trixie could have spared her the act and just admitted she hated Katya now. “How's your ‘Winter Wonderland’ video?” Katya asked, icicles in her chest.

Trixie looked away and shrugged, fidgeted with an earring. “Bad. Whatever.”

Katya had already seen, of course, that the numbers didn't look great, but she had been hoping Trixie knew something she didn't. She moved on. “Um, I still don't know what to wear tonight,” Katya admitted.

Trixie smiled over at her then, saying, “Let's see.”

Katya felt a little lighter, and felt her face soften as she got up. She snuck back to the bedroom, ignoring the red bag in the dark as she pulled two hangers out of her closet. She walked back out to the living room quickly, draping the dresses efficiently over the arm of the couch so Trixie could see.

“White?” Trixie asked as she moved, before Katya could even ask.

“Yeah,” Katya said, given both dresses were white. The first, Trixie pulled a little closer to feel. It was essentially a grid of rounded matte white squares held together with black mesh. The second one was fitted, off-white fabric layered with a diagonal square lattice, pieces joined sectioned by white lines of eyelets threaded with white ribbon. Katya tried to explain, “It’s Christmas. I'm...virginal.”

Trixie gave her a look. “We both know that's not true.”

Katya shrugged. “Emotionally, it's true,” She heard her voice say, and Katya tried to convince herself it had been a joke when it hadn't.

Trixie laughed, but gave her a weird kind of look. She gestured vaguely at the second dress. “This one seems more 'Christmas party’ to me.”

Katya nodded. She was right. “You're right. You’re so right,” She confirmed.

While Katya peeled the dresses up and laid them randomly over the coffee table, Trixie asked, “So are we gonna pregame or something?”

Katya thought fast. “We're not supposed to, but, one Jägerbomb never hurt anybody, right?”

Trixie lit up. “Yes! I need Red Bull,” She said, and it was so good to see Trixie happy and smiling again, Katya practically skipped into the kitchen. Trixie followed, and while Katya got the biggest glasses she had, Trixie leaned against the kitchen counter and scrolled through her phone, amused.

As Katya started getting things together, silence and history filling the kitchen…everything still felt so up in the air. Katya felt so unsure. She had to say something. “Hey, I’m sorry I didn't check in for a while. You know, busy,” She explained, tipping the two open cans into the glasses.

Out of the corner of Katya's eye, Trixie didn't even flinch, just scrolled as she answered, “Oh, yeah me too. Work kicking my ass every day, god.”

It seemed to come so easily from Trixie, sounded so genuine in her voice. Was it true? Could Katya believe that? That after months of finding something to text her about at least every couple days, Trixie went silent for a week because of work?

Katya remembered she did work in a mall, and it was the holiday season. _Maybe…_

“You excited to visit Boston?” Trixie looked up and asked, and Katya had to get out of her head.

“Yeah,” She confirmed, carrying the cups and handing one to Trixie. She leaned herself on the stove, a friendly distance away. “It’s just me and my parents. I always go a couple times a year, so.” The last time Katya had trekked all the way over to Massachusetts had been in July, after she'd started presenting as a woman but before she'd really gotten into the whole YouTuber thing.

Trixie looked deep in thought as she sipped her Jägerbomb. Quiet and contemplative, she said, “They miss you a lot.” It wasn't a question.

“Yeah,” Katya answered anyways, loving the sugary burn the drink left in her throat. “Um, is Milwaukee exciting?”

“Rude!” Trixie exclaimed, prompting Katya to realize she had accidentally implied that it wasn’t.

“No, I mean—”

“Well it's not, so,” Trixie qualified with a small smile, but it quickly faded as she kept talking. “All my cousins are like, thirty, with office jobs and kids.”

Katya thought about what being a 22 year old lesbian makeup artist with an expensive hobby would be like, having a family like that. She wasn't consciously thankful for her parents very often, how they had raised their child to be a good person and not a good man, how judgement wasn't a thing under their roof, and how they'd been nothing but supportive of everything Katya chose to do. She was thankful for it then, just for a second, before her brain went _Trixie Wisconsin cousins_ and her mouth was saying, “Have you tried getting to know them? Besides biblically?”

Trixie screamed, drink sloshing around in her cup as she fell into laughter. It was a stupid joke, but it was making Trixie laugh, so Katya remembered her secret satisfaction and drank greedily from her glass. “Hey, I got you something,” Trixie suddenly said, casual as ever.

Katya froze. “What?”

“Come on,” Trixie asked, and they migrated back around to the couch, Trixie waiting patiently for Katya to sit. As they relegated their drinks to the coffee table, Katya could feel the confusion and surprise evident on her face. Trixie reached into her tote and pulled out a sizable silver gift bag. She smiled giddy, pushing it into Katya's lap.

Her heart was soaring but Katya tried to hold back, saying, “You didn't have to get—”

“No, I did. Trust me,” Trixie said, and Katya did. Trixie suddenly turned solemn, starting to say, “And it's cool if you didn't—”

Katya had to cut her off, scoffing and standing up.

As she stalked back to her bedroom, Trixie called, “Wha— Where are you going?”

Katya didn't answer, just slipped into her dark bedroom and grabbed the red bag. When she emerged into the light, Trixie gasped and held four fingers in front of her mouth.

“Katya!” Trixie exclaimed, looking absolutely ecstatic. Katya couldn't believe it. She couldn't believe she had ever doubted Trixie would love this. Trixie calmed down and said, “Merry Christmas, I guess.”

“Yeah, Merry Christmas,” Katya muttered, “You trick ass hoe, trying to one-up me like that.”

Trixie laughed, leaning forwards and backwards with one hand steadying on Katya's shoulder, and it was the best present Trixie could give her. Katya just breathed and listened and tried to keep her face in check. _Am I enjoying this too much?_

“You first,” Katya said.

“No you first,” Trixie insisted.

“Fine,” Katya said quickly, making Trixie giggle as she snatched the pastel pink tissue paper out of the bag. She saw a card on top and went for that.

Trixie watched and Katya felt watched as she coaxed the envelope open, slipped the card out. It was simple, generic, and inside there was a short message that Katya read silently.

_Katya, you're the best friend a doll could ask for. Love, your life-size Barbie forever_

Katya's heart pounded as she read it, and she choked out, “Aw, thanks.” Trixie loved her and she loved Trixie and it all hurt so much but _don't think about that right now!_ She stared down into the bag and pulled out the first thing she could touch, a tall box. It was a Russian Barbie.

“It's a Russian Barbie,” Trixie said.

Katya knew her mouth was hanging open as she looked over the doll. Pale skin and dainty red lips, she was gorgeous. Her long blonde hair was in two thick braids, and a large black scarf with colourful patterns held it back, tied under her chin. Her dress was cream with black lace on top, and red with more patterns on the skirt. She had a red vest, fishnet stockings, and fur-lined boots. It was classic and super chic and the best thing Katya could ever hold in her hands. “I, I love it,” was all she could say, glancing briefly at Trixie's excited face. “Thank you.”

“That's not all,” Trixie reminded, and Katya reluctantly set the doll's box down.

Katya also pulled out a set of rather expensive eyeshadow brushes and a couple Paydays. She thanked Trixie again and again and put her arm around her in a shitty hug. “Okay, your turn,” She said.

Since Katya hadn't bothered with tissue paper or a card, Trixie grabbed the giant bag of gummy bears out first. “Yes! Thank you,” She said, a decent reaction for an easy gift. Next, Trixie pulled out a large black leather journal. “Oh,” She said, “It's beautiful.”

Katya breathed. “Yeah, um, I want to explain,” She started, and Trixie set it down to give Katya her full attention. Katya went on, “Sometimes, I think about life like I'm climbing a mountain. You know, coming out, took a lot of climbing, but I was looking up at it the whole time.”

Trixie looked like she was processing it,  but Katya was just hoping and hoping that she would understand.

“I knew what I was climbing to, you know? So, with your Burn Books…” Katya took a breath. She looked at Trixie. “Writing down everything that's happening _right now_ is like, building the bridge while you're crossing it. If you want to go farther or climb higher, you gotta write it first, and then go for it,” Katya explained emphatically. But of course, Trixie wasn't jumping to speak, she still seemed in thought, so Katya's brain panicked. “Sorry, I don't know if I'm making any sense.”

“You are,” Trixie said, and when Katya looked in her eyes, everything between them felt genuine and understood. Trixie sat up straight and talked to the window, gesticulating and working out, “You think I should…plan for the future.”

Katya felt dumb. “You can use it however you want, I just—”

“Yeah, I can try,” Trixie interrupted, and Katya had never been more thankful for that bad habit. Her face said that it was taking some consideration but she felt confident. Trixie smiled at Katya and said, “I'll build you a mountain.”

Katya's chest was warm. She swallowed and hoped Trixie didn’t notice.

“Come ‘ere,” Trixie said, and she was standing up and Katya was looking and standing up with her. Trixie wrapped her in the biggest, best hug Katya had ever gotten. Katya relaxed, let Trixie's body warm her own, and let herself start to celebrate the present going over well.

Katya missed it when they broke apart, but that was a short-lived focus as a quick time-check on Trixie's phone confirmed, “You need to get changed.”

“Right!” Katya grabbed her glass and chugged the rest of her Jägerbomb.


	12. Loving Trixie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I have booze!” Katya announced, pulling one and then a second bottle of Stolichnaya vodka out of her purse and pushing them into Courtney’s hands.
> 
> “Katya? I’m trying to talk to Trixie, here,” Courtney joked, cradling the bottles close and briefly checking the labels.
> 
> Trixie was giggling and Katya was seriously considering just turning around and leaving. She muttered, “I need a drink already,” and reached to take one of the bottles back. She would have taken a healthy swig on the spot, too, if Courtney didn’t twist out of her reach.

_Knock knock knock_.

Katya and Trixie stood outside the door to Courtney and Jake’s apartment, just a bit past right on time, listening to the dull drone of carols leaking through the door. It was about to start raining. Katya knocked again. _Knock knock_. Trixie was eyeing the big purse Katya had grabbed at the last minute. Katya had avoided disclosing the contents of it for the entire Uber over, trying to distract her with a crash course on the guest list.

Courtney sparkled when she pulled open the door, wearing a silver beaded cocktail dress. “Hey! Come on in!”

Katya could barely keep up with all the words as they stepped inside.

“Hi, you must be Courtney.”

“Guilty, and it is so great to meet you Trixie.”

“Your dress is amazing!”

“Is it passé to compliment your makeup?”

“Oh, not at all!”

“It’s amazing, really.”

“Thank you! Your apartment is lovely.”

“I have booze!” Katya announced, pulling one and then a second bottle of Stolichnaya vodka out of her purse and pushing them into Courtney’s hands.

“Katya? I’m trying to talk to Trixie, here,” Courtney joked, cradling the bottles close and briefly checking the labels.

Trixie was giggling and Katya was seriously considering just turning around and leaving. She muttered, “I need a drink already,” and reached to take one of the bottles back. She would have taken a healthy swig on the spot, too, if Courtney didn’t twist out of her reach.

“Uh unh, this is for later,” She instructed, and clacked towards the kitchen.

Katya dropped her now-empty purse onto the table by the door, and Trixie touched her arm, hovering close, avoiding entering the party for real. Trixie earnestly assured Katya, “I could have brought booze.”

“It’s fine, I got it,” Katya said, because she had. She nodded once as she started into the living room. Then Katya was saying, “Brad?”

The man on Ginger’s arm greeted, “Hey! Katya, right?” He let go of her momentarily to give Katya a quick hug. Katya shot a confused look to an apologetic-looking Ginger over his shoulder.

“Yeah, um, how, how are you?” She asked, and Ginger looked like she was swallowing knives as she joined Brad’s side. Katya didn’t really know what to say to someone she _thought_ was her friend’s ex-boyfriend.

“Good, I’m good,” Brad started, but Ginger was looking fervently between Katya and something behind her. Katya had to keep looking between Brad and Ginger, and Brad noticed, and they all stopped talking to stand around in mutual confusion until Katya turned around.

Trixie was there, hanging back but looking very much like she was trying to follow Katya, and Katya swore internally as she realized she had abandoned Trixie in a party full of strangers right off the bat. “Sorry!” She exclaimed, stepping back to include Trixie in the circle and decidedly not touching her. She looked at her expectant friends. “Brad. Trixie. Ginger,” She said, gesturing to each as she listed. These people…who were these people? Someone was not supposed to be here. Her hands collapsed in to touch her own collarbone. “Katya…” She added, knowing that much. Ginger was looking at her and she was looking at Ginger.

“I think you broke her,” Brad said.

Trixie laughed, and Katya breathed, oxygen rushing to her brain and starting to clear the fog. She knew that sound. People were looking over at them, people she knew.

But Ginger was talking now, to Katya. “Okay, you, take a second.” To Brad, “Sweetie, go play with the other boys. I want to talk to this one,” Ginger said, and guided Trixie away. Katya didn't protest, didn't have the brainpower at the moment.

“Ginger, right?” Trixie said, and shot a look back at Katya, who, through a burst of thankfulness and relief, nodded and gave her a thumbs up. Katya watched Trixie relax a little as Ginger lead her over to the couch.

Courtney was walking up to Katya then. “Kats? Alright?”

“Yeah,” She said, breathing, brain recalculating the most likely Ginger/Brad timeline. “Alright.”

Courtney took a second to look around at her party. Katya breathed. She could see Jake, Isaac, Aaron, Karen, Brad, Ginger, and Trixie. She could hear the quiet Christmas music playing and Trixie’s voice above the din. She could smell the ham in the kitchen. She could feel her dress, just loose against her body. Courtney was staring obviously at the couch. Katya wasn't. She didn't know what the two sitting there were talking about, but she trusted Ginger. Courtney started, “I mean, she’s—”

“You stay the _fuck_ away from Trixie,” Katya muttered, but softened as Courtney smiled and pulled her into a side-hug.

“Merry Christmas, Kats.”

“Yeah yeah. When can we start drinking? Honestly?” And Courtney gave her a look like she knew she'd already started.

After just enough mingling to find out that Ginger had been feeling the holiday loneliness bad enough to unblock her latest ex, there was a single bottle of wine to pass around with the ham and potatoes. Katya sat between Trixie and Ginger, Brad also squeezed in on their side of the table, with Courtney on the end next to Trixie. Karen, Aaron, and Isaac were on the other side as usual, and Jake at the other end. As dinner progressed, it was clear: they all loved Trixie.

Either Trixie was really good with names or had actually been paying attention in the Uber, and she easily joined in with the regular conversation. Jake and Isaac talked about the Hanukkah festivities at their parents’ house the week before and Karen talked about the Christmas party she’d planned for her office. Ginger lamented the UCLA theatre program and Brad tried to get her to swear allegiance to his production company on the spot. Ginger was laughing because it was ridiculous, and Katya was laughing because Ginger brought this on herself, goddamnit, so everyone else was laughing until they could move on. Courtney and Karen managed to steer the conversation to YouTube, encouraging Trixie to really talk. She told short, nervous sentences until Katya got her going about “the algorithm”, and everyone was interested. Katya just sipped her wine and smiled.

Throughout dinner, Katya stopped multiple times to just listen or look and feel thankful, happy, loved. She loved her friends and her friends loved her. They were all sharing a meal before jetting off to various places and engagements, so they could connect and celebrate each other.

Katya caught Courtney and Ginger sharing glances for just milliseconds too long when Katya would laugh at Trixie or bring up something Trixie did, so she also stopped multiple times to discreetly jab Ginger in the side.

Dessert warranted its own bottle of wine, and after drastically overfilling her own glass Katya moved automatically to fill Trixie’s. She barely realized what she was doing until a quick second after the wine started to splash into the glass, Trixie mumbled, “That’s good.” Her voice was quiet under the sound of others fawning over dessert—a plate of Christmas cookies a friend of a friend had baked for a fundraiser—so only Katya could hear her. Katya stopped pouring. There was hardly anything in the cup by Katya's standards. She gave Trixie a quick look.

Trixie looked fine, seemed fine, everything was normal, but Katya’s brain felt the need to drop the lazy holiday contentedness and shift into worrying mode. _Is Trixie actually okay? Is she not having fun? Does she secretly want more wine? Should I be drinking less?_

Katya was wracking her brain, trying to remember how much Ginger had poured for herself in the first round when fingers brushing over her own jolted her out of her thoughts. Katya looked, and Trixie wore a worried little smile as she slipped the bottle out of Katya’s hands and passed it to Courtney. Voice still low, Trixie said, “Thanks.”

Katya relaxed a little as the cookie plate made its way to her, but she still wished she could check in with Trixie. She sipped her wine and tried to make her cookie last as long as it could, as she pretended to listen to Jake and Brad talk about the NFL playoffs and the Super Bowl. Katya could tell Trixie was shifting in her seat, and she _really_ wished she could check in with her, but Courtney was turning to conversation to Beyoncé performing at the Super Bowl and no one’s glass was even close to being empty, so she knew she would just have to stick it out. Katya breathed to try and calm down, sipped her wine, and chuckled when Courtney snapped at Jake, because, you know, straight people. Jake was the first to throw back the last of his wine then, eyeing the empty bottle regrettably, and Katya tried not to pay so much attention as everyone else gradually followed suit.

“Alright, alright,” Courtney finally cut off the conversation, standing and heading out of the dining area, qualifying, “I just have to grab the party bag.”

Ginger’s eyes found Jake like a sniper scope once Courtney was gone. “Hey Jake.”

“Yeah?”

“What’s in the party bag?” Ginger challenged, and a couple people giggled softly, including Katya. She felt Trixie look at her, and to her confused expression Katya just waved one hand covertly and shook her head a little.

Jake smiled, obviously thinking, for a solid few seconds before claiming, “That is for me to know, and you to find out.”

Katya really wasn’t drunk, she was building a solid buzz, so she only had herself to blame when her mouth said, “I bet it’s the strap-on Courtney pegs him with.”

Jake laughed once into his hand, probably out of shock more than anything…but apparently everyone else was on the same page as Katya and Jake, as they made it to hearty laughter in a second, after the initial shock on Karen’s face. The only problem was that it fizzled out just as quickly—save a blonde in a gold dress sitting next to Katya. Trixie was leaned back, shaking softly as she giggled into her hand, long after everyone else had calmed down. Katya was looking at her, everyone was, and Trixie realized. She physically tried to stop. The whole table just watched as she exhaled slowly, only to start laughing again. Katya knew she was smiling at Trixie; she couldn’t stop herself. Out the corner of Katya’s eye, Karen looked like she didn’t know whether to start laughing again.

Trixie took a big breath and turned to look at Jake, managing, “I’m sorry. Have I thanked you for inviting me into your lovely home?”

Everyone laughed again, and Trixie was leaning on the table, covering one eye with her hand, sneaking a stare at Katya, who stared back. Katya had no idea the level of discomfort the joke and this subsequent situation was probably causing in everyone at the table, but she didn’t care. Trixie was laughing.

“It’s cool,” Jake promised, “We’ve all got someone who makes us laugh too hard.” That struck Katya, and she actually looked over at him. Jake met her gaze and raised his eyebrow, almost imperceptibly. Katya was frozen, watching him look up and say, “Speaking of.”

Everyone looked to Courtney strolling confidently up to the table carrying a green gift bag. She didn’t hear anything that had just happened, and she didn’t care. “Alright, now we can get this show on the road.”

Between Katya and Courtney, Trixie threw a glance over to Jake and then to Katya, staring at her calmly. Katya wouldn’t look at her, refused to. Her whole body was freaking out at Jake's very valid comparison and it was all she could do to watch Courtney politely. Courtney was talking, so Katya poked Trixie's arm quickly, and breathed in agony for the second Trixie took slowly turning back to pay attention to their hostess.

“Jake and I would like to thank you all so much for coming tonight,” Courtney gushed, and no one dared look at Jake. “We love having you folks over. Honestly, I hope this is something we can do for years and years, it’s so special to me.” A couple of them gave a soft ‘awww’. Courtney went on, “Anyways, tonight should be loads of fun. The first item in our party bag is…Rudolph!” She announced, holding up a DVD of the 1964 movie.

There was a smattering of ‘ooh’s and for some reason Isaac whooped.

“Very simple drinking game to get us drinking, get us emotional,” Courtney explained, and Karen nodded emphatically. Next she pulled out a Cards Against Humanity box. “Then, Cards Against Humanity, with the holiday pack. And there’s a present for each of you, so if you win, you get your present.”

“What if we don’t win?” Isaac asked.

“You still get your present, obviously,” Courtney said, lifting a sample tiny gift bag out, that read Aaron’s name in messy gold glitter glue.

“Bye!” Aaron exclaimed, standing and reaching for the gift, but Courtney batted him away until he sat down.

Courtney waited for the chuckles to die down before asking, “Any more questions?”

 

Finally, in the shuffle of people carrying their dishes to the sink and crowding around the alcohol on the kitchen counter, Katya spoke under the din of dishes and voices as she and Trixie migrated slowly. “You okay?”

Trixie had a bewildered sort of smile. “Yeah, of course.”

And then Ginger was there, right there, passing back to the dining room because she'd forgotten her cup, so Katya held her tongue and went through the motions.

Soon enough the “bar” was accessible and Trixie and Katya hovered over to it, where Karen and Aaron were still helping themselves. Katya noticed the bottle of cotton candy vodka about the same time Trixie did.

“No way! I love this stuff,” Trixie noted, turning to bottle so she could read the label. Katya was shaking her head and Trixie was throwing amused glances at her.

“Oh, I brought it!” Karen supplied, tilting her red cup towards Trixie. They started to chat and Katya just grabbed two cups. She sneaked over to the fridge, where Courtney had so graciously stashed one of the bottles of Stolichnaya. Katya poured it generously into her double cup. She replaced the bottle slowly, hovering idle by the fridge as she waited for Karen and Aaron to leave. When they did, she pretended not to rush over.

“Hey,” Trixie said as she helped herself to various sugary ingredients.

“Hi, thank you _so_ much for coming,” Katya started, needing her know she was grateful.

Trixie brightened. “Of course! This is so great. Thanks for being such a good friend.”

Katya smiled and silently decided to love that word, 'friend’. “Okay. Good.” She stood next to Trixie and tried to relax, breathe, and not touch her. “Okay. I'll see you out there,” She finished, and forced herself to leave Trixie to finish making her drink, heading out to the living room.

With all the couples claiming chairs and pillows on the ground, it looked like the singles were being given the couch. Isaac was smiling over at Katya with two empty seats next to him when she entered and paused. Katya met it and joined him.

“Hey,” She greeted simply. “I hate this movie.” Finally, Katya had her alcohol, she was comfortable, she could enjoy it in peace.

But when she raised her cup to her mouth, Isaac exclaimed, “Don’t cheat!”

Katya paused and gave him a look. “You gonna tell on me?” She challenged to his hysteric face, and then she threw back a large gulp.

Isaac didn’t need to tell; a couple others had heard them and were looking now, including Courtney, who scoffed and scolded, “Yekater-eena! How dare you.”

Katya rolled her eyes before she could stop herself and loudly explained, “I have enough Russian in me, it’s gonna take me all this just to catch up to the wine.”

Brad snorted and tried to make that one stupid innuendo pun: “Would you like some?”

Most people were looking confusedly at Brad, but Katya's brain figured figured out what he was trying to do right away. She had adrenaline in her body from standing for the first time in hours and a shot or two of vodka in her stomach. Katya called confidently to Trixie as she wandered into the living room, “Trixie, do you have any Russian in you?”

Trixie reacted with neutral perplexion as she sat down, suspecting nothing. “No.”

Katya put her elbow on the back of the couch and leaned in, asking, “Would you like some?”

There was mixed chuckles and sighs of understanding at the proper execution of the joke, but over that Trixie calmly countered, “What are you doing after this?”

Everyone lost it laughing. Trixie smirked and giggled softly next to Katya who smirked back, way too pleased with herself. Mostly because she had one-upped Brad. When Katya glanced at him to gloat, he gave her a ridiculous look and mouthed, “You’re welcome.” She flipped him off discreetly. Katya calmed down expediently, giving full attention to Courtney as she stood up.

Everyone listened attentively as Courtney explained the drinking game rules. They were simple. Out of the corner of Katya’s eye, she caught Trixie glancing at her now and again. Katya tried to get comfortable without really moving.

As the movie started, the three of them on the couch adjusted and readjusted, until Katya ended up reclining back against the seat, legs straight out front of her, with one arm crossed against her chest and the other holding her drink at the ready. She wanted to lean on Trixie or put her feet up or something, but she couldn't. _Chill_ , she told herself. Katya breathed and gave Trixie a relaxed smile, who matched it quickly. Everyone suddenly cheered as something drink-worthy happened on screen. Katya watched Trixie drink as she took another sip of her vodka.

Even though Katya hated this movie, it was still pretty fun to drink and watch with everyone else, as they all made stupid comments and sang along with the weird songs. Trixie seemed to be having fun, so that was good. Katya only got in her head a couple times, thinking about how the last time she had watched a movie next to Trixie, she had fallen asleep in Trixie’s arms, in Trixie’s bed. She didn’t dare turn her head anymore, just looked covertly between their knees, lined up one two three four next to each other.

The movie passed pretty quickly, with a couple refill intermissions throughout. It ended, and Courtney excitedly announced it was card game time. Katya, Trixie, and Isaac watched boredly as everyone else struggled to form a circle on the ground, and people chatted making the obligatory preemptive apologies for their senses of humour. Courtney carried out nine small gift bags and set them up on a shelf, and Katya found the same drunk-competitive glint in Trixie and Isaac’s eyes that she knew was in her own as well.

“Alright,” Courtney started, as the group managed to distribute the cards for Cards Against Humanity.  “I think Katya should go _last_ for cheating earlier.”

“I stand by my actions,” Katya offered, and looked to Trixie as she realized she would be going first.

Trixie swallowed a sip of whatever shit was in her cup and claimed, “I'll try not to pick Katya's card, but my whole brand right now is based on our friendship.”

Katya was drunk, smiling, feeling warm, and knocking her head against Trixie's shoulder idly. She took a stack of white cards and did her best to hide and read them at the same time.

The black card Trixie read aloud was, “ _Fifty percent of all marriages end in…_ blank.”

“Here you go,” Katya said, immediately slipping Trixie a card and earning a range of glances from her and others. Katya ignored them all and sipped at her vodka.

Trixie got to it quickly. “Is that everyone?” She ensured, shuffling the cards blindly. “Okay. Fifty percent of all marriages end in… _finding out Santa isn’t real_ . _Burning down the White House. A slightly shittier parallel universe_. Wait, so it starts in one universe, and ends in another?”

Katya was careful not to react to any of them, but now she glanced over, neutrally, to watch Trixie as she and some others laughed.

Trixie repeated, “Fifty percent of all marriages end in, _exchanging pleasantries_ . Yikes. Uh, _exactly what you'd expect_ . _A Hungry-Man Frozen Christmas Dinner for One_ . _Genital piercings_. That’s classy. And—” Trixie paused to almost laugh, holding it behind her lips. Her voice was slow and high as she managed, “Fifty percent of all marriages end in necrophilia.”

There was scattered giggles and noises of approval. Aaron seemed entertained but Karen didn’t. Courtney was staring intently at Trixie, and when Katya looked, Trixie was flipping through the cards, throwing nervous glances around the circle and at Katya.

“Just pick your favourite,” Courtney assured, like she was trying to make sure Trixie didn't have any actual anxiety over possibly picking Katya's card.

Trixie considered for a second longer before a smile spread on her face, and she said, “I have to go with necrophilia.”

Katya's heart seized. She looked at Trixie. “Who's your best friend?”

“No!” Trixie screamed, and laughter erupted all around the circle.

“Trixie, Trixie, who's your best friend?” Katya insisted, leaning closer and chasing Trixie as she laughed and tried to look away, push Katya back.

Through her giggles, Trixie managed, “Y— You are.” Katya sat back, absolutely smug, listening to someone 'awww'. Trixie handed over the black card. Katya tried to balance it in the ribbon lattice of her dress, but it fell out.

Courtney got Jake going with the next black card, and everyone quickly settled into the rhythm of the game. They all had different standards for when to loudly and drunkenly laugh and when to grimace uncomfortably at the gross and inappropriate answers, though Trixie and Katya were definitely laughing a lot.

Courtney wanted to hand out a present for each time around the circle, so Jake was announced as the first winner. He had 3 black cards, Trixie and Katya both had 2, and Ginger and Isaac both had 1. Katya beamed proudly at Trixie as Courtney retrieved the tiny bag. The presents were all the same, apparently, so there was no point in opening it right then. It just stood at attention next to Jake as they continued to play.

Trixie continued to do well, especially for being in a group of strangers, and Katya did too. Everyone was laughing and having fun, drinking as Courtney refused to keep any bottles that she couldn't immediately recycle. Jake still had the most cards at the end of the second round, and Ginger had one less, so Ginger got her gift. Trixie won the next round, and then through everyone’s sleepy giggles and repeated, slurred words, Brad somehow won the last game.

Courtney called it for the night but assured no one had to leave if they didn't want to. Karen, Aaron, Ginger, and Brad all bowed out quickly, taking their presents and some booze, leaving after a long session of hugs and good wishes. Isaac and Jake were talking about football again. Trixie and Katya chatted quietly on the couch about nothing consequential, nothing Katya remembered, until they heard something about _Dance Moms_. If Isaac wanted to rekindle this debate, Katya was all for it, and instructed Courtney to gossip with Trixie while she tore the boys a new one. They ‘debated’ until all three of them were saying, “Re-elect Obama!” at each other repeatedly, only interrupted when Courtney felt inclined to break it up.

When Katya checked, Trixie looked happy but tired, so Katya announced that they should get going. Trixie and Courtney both protested, but Katya convinced them shortly. Trixie waved her present in Katya's face as Courtney retrieved Katya's consolation prize from the shelf.

“Better luck next time,” Courtney wished, presenting the identical bag to Katya.

“Thanks,” Katya said, and then again, “Thanks.” Courtney's expression was soft and sentimental as she pulled Katya in for a hug. Katya thanked her one more time in her ear.

When Courtney stood back they both knew there was nothing else to say. Courtney knew Katya was thanking her for the party, the food, the fun, but also for inviting Trixie, for convincing Katya to invite her. Katya knew she knew, and they could leave it at that, with a sweet smile shared between them.

Trixie and Courtney had a million things to gush over as they said goodbye. They loved meeting each other, they loved everything, blah. Katya hugged Jake and Isaac, and then physically dragged Trixie to the door by her arm. Courtney stared and smiled and wished them well as they ordered an Uber and headed out.

“Fuck, I can't remember what I left at yours,” Trixie lamented as they waited for the car, face concerned, illuminated with the light of her phone as she checked it compulsively. “I just have to grab—”

“You can sleep over,” Katya said, too tired and drunk to try and remember that shit herself.

There was a beat that the alcohol prevented Katya from panicking during before Trixie checked, “You sure?”

“Yeah, of course,” Katya confirmed, and the car pulled up. Once they were inside, Katya ripped open her gift before Trixie could say anything else, spilling tiny gold ornaments, candy cane hot chocolate mix, and homemade brownies all over her lap. “Ooh!”

They fawned and joked about their presents and the party as they headed back to Katya's. They stumbled up to her apartment, humming the last carol that had been playing. Katya was drunk and tired and happy. The party had been so fun… Of course Ginger and Courtney had been right about everything. Of course she had been meant to buy that stupid present, and of course they had been meant to go and have a great time.

Katya was sort of confused and worried the whole time the were getting ready for bed. She kept forgetting what she was doing or what Trixie had to do with it—which was usually nothing, as brushing your teeth was most often a one person task, but she couldn't shake the feeling. Trixie changed into Katya’s baggiest, oldest sweats, and Katya later forgot the details but was pretty sure there was an incident with doors and someone only in their bra and underwear.

Finally, they managed to climb into Katya's bed, Trixie sprawling and pulling at the covers, Katya shifting all the way to the edge of the bed so she wouldn't bother Trixie. Katya's cheeks felt hot. They mumbled ‘good night’s into the darkness. Her body just wanted to sleep, her brain give up and shut down for a while…

But Katya soon realized she wasn’t falling asleep any time soon, if Trixie kept rolling around and adjusting like she was, making the bed sink and creak. Katya could hear that Trixie was facing her when she spoke, slow and quiet, still tipsy: “You know what I’m thinking about?”

Katya did not. She turned her head slightly backwards, not even close to looking at Trixie but still worrying about invading her space. “Hm?”

“A new series,” Trixie said, and Katya turned back to stare at the wall.

Katya didn’t know whether she actually believed Trixie was joking or just wanted her to be, didn’t know how convinced she was that Trixie was too inebriated to think straight and shut up. Katya was tired. “Trixie, go to sleep,” She said, halfway between a command and a whine.

“You know what I read all the time?” Trixie asked, ignoring Katya’s request. “People saying they could watch us talk for _hours_ ,” She gushed and breathed out the last word, like it was romantic or expensive.

Curses rolled through Katya’s brain in multiple languages, and she knew she wasn’t falling asleep any time soon, even though she was tired. She squeezed her hands tighter around the blankets. “Sounds boring,” She mumbled.

“Liar.”

Katya rolled over for real, onto her back and twisting her neck this way and that until her eyes were locked with Trixie’s in the dark. Her voice was hysterical and confused when she rasped, “What?”

Trixie’s face changed from blurry contentedness to something dissatisfied. “Shit,” She cursed, and closed her eyes. “Never mind.” Trixie shook her head against the bed, arms curling around her body. She looked so vulnerable.

“Hey,” Katya cooed, unable to stop herself from turning onto her side, still hugging the blankets close to her chest. Trixie looked at her. “It’s okay. We can talk in the morning.”

Trixie just stared at her for a second, before one of the tiniest voices Katya had ever heard come out of her said, “Okay.”

Katya’s heart was pounding and she knew she wasn’t falling asleep any time soon. She was trying not to think about was Trixie was thinking. Hours ago, Katya believed Trixie hated her, and now… She still didn’t know what was going on, but it certainly didn’t seem like there was any hate between them. She could deal with that. Katya’s heart was pounding. She rolled back over, moving even closer to the edge of the bed than before. She waited, and listened to Trixie adjust and get comfy too, and then waited some more.

Katya’s heart was pounding. She was exhausted.

Katya said, “Trixie?”

“Hm?” was all Trixie answered.

Katya’s heart was pounding. She felt nervous, though she didn’t need to be. What Katya was about to say was as true and platonic as it was misleading and romantic. “I love you,” She admitted light-heartedly, a friend reminding a friend.

“Mmmlove you too,” Trixie exhaled.

Katya wasn’t falling asleep any time soon, but she did, eventually.


	13. Beautiful Girl, Sitting Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katya went more than halfway to accept Trixie’s hug, breathing the leftovers of her perfume. “Have fun in Wisconsin,” She wished.  
> Over her shoulder, Trixie cursed again, and then said, “Have fun in Boston. Thanks for everything.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heads up: Katya's family celebrates Christmas on the regular American December 25th. Translations may be provided in _italics_ after a line of dialogue.  
> 

"I love you."

“Mmmlove you too.”

 

FIVE HOURS LATER

 

Katya woke to the sound of water running. It was early, Trixie had carefully slipped out from under the blankets to the bathroom, and Katya— _oof_ Katya had a headache. More from the lack of sleep than the alcohol, but she still got out of bed. She put a loose t-shirt over her tank top and threw her hair into a bun.

When Trixie returned from the bathroom, Katya was sitting, clicking through Twitter. “Hey,” Trixie grumbled, wearing her dress again and a face that looked much more awake than she sounded.

Katya’s throat scratched. “Morning.”

“Thanks for letting me stay over,” Trixie said, throwing her shit into her bag, “I gotta get going, though. Work and stuff.”

Trixie was strutting out of the bedroom then, and Katya got up and followed her. “You sure? You can stay—”

“Sorry, I really gotta go. Thanks again.”

Katya watched as she dropped her bag next to the red gift bag and started tugging on her flats. “Um. Last night you were talking about, I don’t know, a series or something.”

Trixie faltered. She straightened up and gave Katya a regretful look as she finished stepping into her shoes. “That, it’s, dumb,” She stammered, and looked away. Trixie looked infinitely different, standing tall in the daylight, than she had flinching away in the dark the night before, but Katya could see the same insecurity beneath the surface.

Katya hadn't mean it at all, had only intended to de-escalate the situation, when she'd said the idea sounded boring, but she still regretted it. She hovered a little closer to Trixie, still halfway across the room. “Try me.”

Trixie stared her down for a second, but then put on a show like she was retelling an embarrassing story from her childhood, grabbing all her stuff as she said, “It was like, me and you, sitting around, talking about stuff.”

When Katya felt intrigued and asked, “What kind of stuff?” Trixie waited in the entranceway, even though she seemed all ready to go.

She shrugged. “Whatever we want.”

Katya felt the shy smile spread on her lips, and she glanced away for a second before admitting. “Obviously that doesn’t sound boring.”

Trixie just stared at her then for a second, waiting. She checked the time on her phone and cursed, but still shuffled towards Katya and said, “Come ‘ere.”

Katya went more than halfway to accept Trixie’s hug, breathing the leftovers of her perfume. “Have fun in Wisconsin,” She wished.

Over her shoulder, Trixie cursed again, and then said, “Have fun in Boston. Thanks for everything.”

As they parted, Katya assured, “‘Course.”

“I’ll text you,” Trixie said, as she pulled open the door. Katya suddenly panicked a little, remembering the last time Trixie had left, they didn’t speak for weeks. She couldn’t say anything, didn’t want to talk about it, but she felt her face twist into a cautious look. Trixie winced and earnestly promised, “I will!” as the door slammed shut behind her.

Katya breathed and looked over at the silver gift bag with the Barbie sticking out the top, still sitting on the couch. Trixie _would_ text her, she knew it.

 

ONE DAY LATER

 

 **Trixie** : Loved the new vid [heart with ribbon emoji]

 **Katya** : Thx [blue heart emoji] it’s all Tatianna honestly

 **Trixie** : Liar!!!

 **Katya** : I am not. I’m her biggest fan

 **Katya** : I’m watching The Same Parts on repeat while I pack

 **Trixie** : OMG do you also have one corner of your closet full of winter stuff just for xmas?

 **Katya** : No…?

 **Katya** : I’m just very cold the whole time

 **Trixie** : Wow I need 7 sweaters and 8 pairs of socks at all times when I'm in WI

 **Trixie** : Have fun freezing

 **Katya** : I will [blowing kiss emoji][snowflake emoji]

 

THREE DAYS LATER

 

After four days of editing, posting her video on gender expression and transitions, phone calls, emails, triple checking flight info, and last-minute succulent shopping, Katya got to the airport uncharacteristically early. She endured some but not an exorbitant amount of difficulties with the TSA, and managed to arrive in Boston right on time. Her parents were waiting to pick her up.

 

 **Katya** : Look who brought me a coat

 **Katya** : [Image: A selfie of Katya and her parents, who are both even shorter than her, with graying hair and soft smiles. Katya is bundled in a big coat and smiling wide, makeupless.]

 **Trixie** : Awww [heart eyes emoji]

 **Trixie** : Tell Mr. and Mrs. Zamolodchikova I say Merry Christmas!!

 **Katya** : Merry christmas to you too and thank you for teaching our daughter makeup-Peter and Svetlana Zamo

 **Katya** : My dad wanted to send that one himself )))

 **Trixie** : Katya I’m fully crying that was the cutest thing ever

 **Katya** : [blue heart emoji][Christmas tree emoji]

 

ONE DAY LATER

 

 **Trixie** : AAAHHHHH

 **Trixie** : [Image: A blurry photo of Farrah, pouting, looking very tired but festive.]

 **Trixie** : [Image: A blurry photo of Kim flipping off the camera from across the room.]

 **Trixie** : [Image: Naomi lying in a pile of wrapping paper and bags.]

 **Trixie** : [Image: A selfie that Trixie is taking with Farrah, Kim, and Naomi. They are all squished together, expressions ranging from tired to happy to confused.]

 **Trixie** : Merry Christmas from us!

 **Katya** : [Image: Katya is making a kissy face, taking a selfie with her parents sitting on the couch in the background.]

 **Katya** : Merry Christmas from the Zamolodchikovas ))

 **Trixie** : [heart with a ribbon emoji]

 **Katya** : [christmas tree emoji][blue heart emoji]

 

 **Katya** : I showed my parents the Barbie you got me and they were like “Yekaterina why don't you dress like that”

 **Trixie** : [crying laughing emoji]

 **Trixie** : New Year shopping spree?

 **Katya** : Once that fat youtube check comes in [money bag emoji]

 

ONE DAY LATER

 

 **Katya** : Have a safe flight!

 **Trixie** : Oh we won’t

 **Trixie** : Farrah in the air-ah

 **Trixie** : [Image: A selfie of Trixie and Farrah sitting next to each other on a plane. Farrah looks annoyed and her messy hair is everywhere. Trixie’s smile is genuine and sweet as she touches a peace sign to her face.]

 **Katya** : smh

 

FIVE DAYS LATER

 

After six days of meals, relaxing, trying out their new presents, and visiting family friends, the Zamolodchikovas got all dressed up for Peter's office New Years Eve party. Katya put on her favourite little black dress, made everyone a little bit late, and was pleasantly surprised by everything.

The office was fancy, or at least it was tonight, with shining decorations, giant monitors streaming Times Square, and mingling waitstaff in all black. The partygoers (aka employees) were mostly middle-aged, though Katya saw a couple other twenty-somethings huddling together. She allowed her dad to introduce her around for an hour, keeping her mouth shut and trying not to make waves, but then Katya wanted to float around by herself. She looked out the giant windows at the city she did not miss. She felt sexy and danced amongst strangers and drank free alcohol.

Katya was empty-handed, on the way to drunk, and waiting clear-minded at the edge of the crowd when people started hovering towards the TVs. The shouting followed quickly.

“ _TEN! NINE! EIGHT!_ ” Katya smiled at the revelry, watching couples pull each other close. She wondered for the first time that night what Trixie was doing to celebrate the New Year.

“ _SEVEN! SIX! FIVE!_ ” Katya watched the ball dropping on screen from way far back. She wondered where her parents were.

“ _FOUR! THREE! TWO!_ ”

Katya was looking around idly, enjoying the energy, when at the exact second the crowd called out the final number, her eyes landed on a beautiful girl, sitting alone on a small sofa.

“ ** _HAPPY NEW YEAR_ ** _!_ ”

Katya was frozen as the party raged around her. The girl had radiant orange hair crowning her head and shoulders, sitting perfectly like she was still in the salon chair. Her eyes were huge and innocent, and her colorful makeup looked perfect from where Katya stood. Her brown skin was shining and flawless, and her dainty limbs stuck out of her short strapless dress, a shapely green bodice with a skirt of aqua ostrich feathers. People jostled Katya and spilled drinks on her. She had migrated across the room before she even realized she’d started moving. The girl smiled at her.

Katya sat down next to her, not even daring to look away from her bright eyes. “Hi, I'm Katya,” She said. She kept her hands still in her own lap.

The girl leaned over slightly as she replied, “I'm Valentina,” the consonants short in her slight accent. Up close, her makeup was more than perfect, it was stunning. Her shadow and liner went on forever, and she had one big white stone stuck under each eye.

Katya swallowed. “I think I just missed my chance to spontaneously kiss you,” She said, not feeling any reservation or worry. She didn't even know if this girl was gay.

But Valentina didn't seem offended or even that surprised. Katya thought she looked mostly…intrigued.

 _Probably definitely gay_ , She thought. “Would you be mad if I tried right now?”

Valentina didn't even flinch. After a second, she carefully tilted her head, making the feathers tickling her collarbone wave around as she gave Katya a sly smile. Katya's stomach was swirling. Valentina said, “I certainly would,” and decidedly turned away from her.

 _Wait. What?_ But before the rejection could fully set in, Katya was being handed a martini glass, and it was Valentina's manicured hand that was holding it. Katya took it, confused, halfway to feeling stung, but not moving.

“Do you work here?” Valentina asked.

The confusion processed for a moment longer before Katya’s brain realized: _small talk._ She was making small talk, like they'd been cordially introduced in a lobby, and Katya hadn't just aggressively and obviously hit on her. Katya watched Valentina take a sip of her clear drink and said, “Um, no. My dad does.”

Valentina nodded. She offered, “My mom.”

Katya tasted her martini. Her body kept forcing her to look away but she regretted it every time, still feeling awed at the beauty of the girl next to her. Why was she talking to Katya? Who was she?

“Tell me, Katya,” Valentina said, leaning an elbow on her own knee so her face was low, and close, “What are your resolutions for the new year?”

Katya shook her head a little as she considered that. “My life is pretty straight forward right now,” She admitted, holding the glass as a see-through obstacle in front of her mouth, “I just want to be a good friend. A good daughter.”

Valentina didn't debate that. She looked interested. She said, “Mine is to use social media less.”

Yes, social media, Katya knew what that was. “Oh, do you have Instagram?” She asked.

Valentina hummed, “Mm hm!” and pulled her phone out of a tiny purse.

“Oh,” Katya said, “I don't know why I said that, I don't even have Instagram—”

But Valentina was leaning over and holding up her phone with the camera app open. On the screen, Katya watched Valentina smile, and then herself, flashing her white teeth. The beautiful girl clicked the shutter button a couple times, then turned her face to press her lips softly against Katya's cheek, and she clicked it again.

Katya froze, warm feelings going wild inside her, and then Valentina was gone as quickly as she had come. Katya watched her smile down at her phone, and then slip it away. Valentina looked at Katya, and they stared at each other. “Yeah,” Katya heard herself mutter, “I make YouTube videos, so my resolution should be to use social media _more_.”

Valentina looked vaguely impressed. She put her glass to her lips, tilted it slightly and sipped. Katya watched. Lifting her martini to inspect it, Valentina mused, “You're a star.”

Katya stared at her and she didn't elaborate. The lights were making her eyes twinkle. Katya took a big gulp of the martini, having to work not to choke on it. She didn't think Valentina had noticed but she wasn't sure.

Katya swelled with anticipation as Valentina turned dramatically towards her, landing a hand way too briefly on Katya's arm and saying, “Come with me. I want to show you something.”

Katya felt as light as air as she stood and followed the bright, colorful blob through the crowd. Valentina smiled back at her a couple times. When they reached the edge of the party, someone held up a hand and gestured at the expensive glasses in their hands. Valentina spoke to them for only a few seconds, words that Katya didn't hear, before they were allowed to pass scot-free.

Katya followed her down the lit hallway and then down an unlit one. They passed darkened glass office after darkened glass office until they came to a solid oak wall with a simple door. Valentina typed a code into the handle and pushed it open easily. Katya read ‘EVA MARTINEZ, CEO’ engraved and embossed on it as they slipped inside.

Valentina walked to the corner of the corner office. These two glass walls gave way to the city, an expansive view of a few blocks of buildings and then the water. Fireworks were still going off. Valentina turned around and looked at Katya, yellow light surrounding her outline.

“Beautiful,” Katya breathed from across the room.

Valentina didn’t even need to hear it. “Come here,” She said, retreating and sliding up onto the desk. As Katya walked over, Valentina patted the dark wood next to her. Katya got up, close but not too close, and looked out.

They sat in the quiet for a moment, holding their martinis still. There was so much light. There was so much air. Valentina’s skirt was tickling Katya's leg, and Katya reached down to fiddle with the feathers, brush her nails over the other girl's skin. Katya’s brain was fuzzy, and all she could feel was the heat of Valentina's body next to hers and the warmth in her own stomach.

“What are you thinking about?” Valentina asked quietly.

Katya’s eyes slid up and she was looking at her, curious. “Nothing.”

Valentina smiled, almost a smirk but she still looked too innocent. “Nothing?”

Katya didn’t know if one of them had leaned in but their faces were close, Valentina’s innocent smirk just inches from Katya’s dry lips. “Nothing at all,” She promised, eyes flicking between the two gems on her face.

Katya watched in awe as Valentina pursed her lips. She felt the cool air of her making a soft ‘ _shhh_ ’ sound. She barely noticed her hand reaching over to take the martini from Katya and set it over on the desk, slowly leaning in closer and closer.

Valentina kissed her and Katya’s eyes closed, every particle in her body cheered. Valentina’s lips were soft on Katya’s. The kiss was gentle, and warm, and her hand was gentle and warm on Katya’s leg. Katya let Valentina kiss her, lick her teeth, grab her skirt. Katya’s whole body was flushed with desire. She was aching and touching Valentina’s face. Her leg was twitching.

When Valentina got up off the desk, Katya’s mouth made an ‘ _oh_ ’ sound and she realized the other girl was taller than her now. She watched and tried not to move as Valentina ran both hands up and down Katya’s thighs and leaned in to kiss her again. Katya met her lips with her tongue, pushing her fingers up into thick orange hair. They were close and hot but Katya wanted to be closer. She wanted the wet of Valentine’s tongue to cover her skin. She wanted Valentina’s hands _on_ her—and they almost were.

“Mmm,” Katya said as she extricated her mouth, and Valentina kissed her neck quickly. “I’m transgender.”

“Okay,” Valentina said, kissing her jaw. The pace of her hands didn’t change, and then four fingers slid between Katya’s legs, following her underwear down.

Katya couldn’t stop herself from inhaling a gasp, exhaling a moan. Her whole body was on fire with Valentina’s mouth and hands on her. Katya was trying not to pull her hair, trying not to squirm off the table.

Then Valentina tried to explore the waistband of Katya’s underwear, and Katya’s brain was panicking thinking _office party CEO parents_. “Not here, not here,” She managed.

Valentina looked up at her. She seemed to size Katya up for a moment, hands slipping away. Their bodies were so close and warm and Katya _wanted_ this just not here. Valentina smiled.

“We can have more fun at my place anyways,” She said, winking and pulling Katya off the desk.

They left the martini glasses in the office and strutted down the hall. Katya's crotch was aching. Valentina was pulling her hand, and she was just tall enough so Katya had to skip every now and then to keep up. They passed the roar of the party. They waited for the elevator, and Valentina stood dutifully next to Katya, still hand-in-hand. Katya looked at her, stared, maybe more than she should have. She loved looking at the soft feather tendrils touching her skin, the light reflecting through the gems under her eyes.

In the elevator, Valentina kissed her softly. Katya felt her dress and leaned against the wall. Valentina touched Katya's neck, letting her hair fall everywhere as she tasted Katya's lipstick.

A car came quickly and someone opened the door for them. Valentina pushed Katya towards it, so she slid all the way across the back seat. Valentina got in and sat right next to her. She didn't bother with a seatbelt, just put an arm behind Katya's head so she could play with her hair, and she tucked her feet up on the seat. Katya sent her parents a vague text.

Katya was fully but comfortably drunk. She liked the feeling of Valentina's fingers in her hair. Her nails reminded Katya of Halloween, of Trixie, and Katya squeezed her eyes shut until those memories went away. “Can I look at your Instagram?” She asked.

Valentina was bemused as she handed over her phone. Katya scrolled down Valentina’s own profile, looking at gorgeous pictures of her wearing gowns, going hiking, and posing with friends. Katya clicked to look at one of her in a bikini. Her subconscious wondered if it was weird to stare at this body when the real thing was right next to her, but Valentina didn't seem to mind, and kept tugging lightly on Katya's curls. Katya clicked the heart, making it turn red.

Valentina clicked her tongue and took her phone back, clicking the heart again so the red disappeared. Katya just looked at her. She said, “You're cute.”

Katya reached over and scrolled down, clicked on a picture of Valentina with someone she recognized from YouTube. It was a woman from New York named Sasha Velour. She was pretty popular. Trixie had talked about her in her roast video. Katya asked, “You know Sasha?”

Valentina's lips turned into a smile. “I met her, yeah,” She said, and looked out as they pulled up to a building. “She's a star, like you.”

Katya didn't know what that meant or if it meant anything, but Valentina was pulling her out of the car so she didn't think too much about it. Valentina kissed her harder in the elevator this time, one hand pressing Katya's skirt between her legs. Katya moaned a little for her, ran her hands around and sucked on her lips.

The only things Katya processed about the apartment was that it was huge and colorful. Valentina had gone ahead to get out of her ridiculous dress. Katya stumbled around until she found the bedroom.

Valentina was naked and sexy as fuck. She helped Katya undress and played with her tits as they made out. Valentina giggled and fawned over her. Katya fingered her, and then Valentina asked if she could ride her. Katya let her because she wanted to. She stared up her perfect, beautiful face, twisting and moaning. Katya grabbed at her body and at first, she thought about nothing but that moment. That night, that city, that girl, everything was different and beautiful and a little surreal. But then for just a second, Katya thought about being so close to Trixie, staring in her eyes and dropping the eyeliner and pressing her lips shamelessly against Trixie’s.

Valentina came and Katya came and it felt good. It all felt good and Katya assured her of that. Neither were tired, so Katya kissed and tickled all over Valentina’s body, making her laugh and whine. They kissed some more, hands wandering, everything aimless. When Valentina tried to pull her in to spoon, Katya politely declined. Valentina didn’t want her to go, but settled for her number. Katya was still in the cab heading home when she got the text. She deleted it before letting the driver swipe her credit card.

 

NINE HOURS LATER

 

“Ты повеселился прошлой ночью?” Svetlana asked. _Did you have fun last night?_

Katya looked at her mother and father across their living room, hands tightening around her breakfast of black coffee. Peter didn't seem surprised by the question. Katya replied in Russian that yes, she had enjoyed the party.

Having woken up late, Katya had emerged from the guest bedroom to find her parents trying to figure out the new TV Svetlana had gotten for Peter. Svetlana continued to press buttons on the remote painstakingly slowly. Peter stared at Katya. He inquired, “А после вечеринки?” _And after the party?_

Katya stared back, and then looked into her cup. She wasn't sure why her parents were asking, why they wanted to talk about her discreetly hooking up with someone. They didn't do the shame thing. They didn't judge her. She answered saying yes, she met a nice girl. Her parents looked at each other, before Peter coughed and Svetlana brought the TV instructions in front of her face. “What?” Katya suddenly heard herself ask.

Her dad met her eyes. “Что думает Trixie?” _What does Trixie think?_

Katya's hand went into her hair. _You've got to be kidding me._ She shrugged, exasperation bubbling up and making her spit, “I don't know.”

Svetlana didn't like her tone, face emerging grave. Katya tried to calm down as her mom said in stern, slow English, “Katya. Last time you were here, you didn't know this girl. Now, Trixie is most important person in your life.”

 _No_ , Katya instantly thought, frustration flashing inside her again. _That's not true._ With Trixie, there was none of the bittersweet comfort she felt sitting next to Ginger, who had known her so well for so long that it was such a blessing but occasionally a curse. There was none of the excitable safety she treasured in the breakroom with Courtney, after clinging to her for confidence over their years at the studio together. There was none of the deep thankfulness she had for her parents, for Alyssa. When it came to Katya’s whole life, who she was, these people were the most important to her.

But when Katya thought about it, all these relationships were forged in years of push and pull, delaying and admitting, developing things she didn’t recognize until later. Life was long, Katya’s had been long…but the last six months had been so short. She had gone from a small, comfy group of dear friends to spending so much time with Trixie, meeting new people because of Trixie, trying new things because of Trixie. It occurred to her that maybe, now, it _could_ seem like Trixie was one of the most important people in her life. Maybe she was, or she would be very soon, maybe sooner than Katya was ready for.

Katya swallowed the feelings and looked at her mom. “Trixie is a good friend, and we work really well together. But she's not my girlfriend. I will tell you if I have a girlfriend.”

Svetlana softened. She switched back to Russian to explain that they just wanted to make sure Katya knew she could talk to them about it. It shocked Katya that they would ever think she didn’t know that.

“Мама, я знаю.” Katya was pleading. _I know._

They seemed to appreciate her earnestness. Katya stood up and went over to her mom, who surrendered the remote and instructions. Katya got the TV working in no time and they watched whatever dumb Christmas movie was playing. Her flight was that evening, so they relaxed around the house for the rest of New Year’s Day. Her parents drove her to the airport and sent her off with a big hug.


	14. Lies and Pretending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How could Katya think she could hold any sort of resolve with Trixie? How did she ever dream of telling her _no_? Trixie's manicured hand was secured around Katya's heart, squeezing unrelentingly when she pouted her lips, and Trixie didn't even know it. “We’re gonna get laughed off the internet.”

ONE WEEK LATER

 

“Is that Heather?” Trixie asked.

“Trixie?” Katya said, and Trixie looked over at her as they reclined on Trixie's bed. Katya stared daggers at the laptop playing _Heathers_ and condescendingly explained, “For the third time, that's Veronica.”

Trixie was smiling as she extricated a gummy bear and said, “Sorry.” She was not sorry.

And Katya didn't really care, as she was pretty sure Trixie was paying enough attention to get why _Heathers_ was so good. The main reason she was forcing Trixie to watch it was because Trixie had been trying to force Katya to watch _Mean Girls_ . Which they were going to do, once the _Heathers_ credits rolled.

After excited texts had confirmed they were both back in L.A., Katya had asked one too many times about the series idea Trixie had come up with. When Katya arrived at Trixie's so they could talk about it, Trixie had shown just the slightest desire to sit and develop her new idea for a little longer. Katya had jumped at the chance to push her to think and plan. They postponed discussing it further so they could settle this 1988 vs. 2004 debate once and for all. They hadn't just hung out, no parties, no filming, no editing, in so long. Committing to spending four hours all up in each other's business seemed like a good way to get back into the swing of their friendship, right?

“I like the yellow one,” Trixie offered.

Katya instantly beamed over at her, asking, “Really?” Heather McNamara was mostly a background character, a sweet, peppy girl with fluffy blonde hair and an angular, adult face. She had none of the iconic Veronica spunk, or the mythic bitchiness of Heather Chandler.

“Yeah I,” Trixie said, pausing, “I don't know.”

Katya wished she knew why Trixie had said that, but didn't know if Trixie even knew, so she let it go. She sat quietly and watched the movie with a foot of space between them like friends did. She listened to the rain falling outside, and fidgeted with the hem of her favourite shirt.

Katya didn't let herself feel sad or wistful, just thankful and relaxed. Her talk with her parents had gotten her thinking. On the outside, Trixie was important to her, and everyone could see that. On the inside, everything was still a weird mix of friendship, admiration, ambition, and straight-up lust… But on the outside, Trixie was important to her. They had something good going. Katya couldn't fuck that up.

So she was silently working every moment not to fuck it up. Katya breathed through her feelings and thought twice and didn't move closer on the bed. She watched _Heathers_ until the end. She watched _Mean Girls_ even though it was stupid and unrealistic. It was also funny and pink and had a pretty good ending, really. They talked about their trips home, and in a split-second of uncertainty, Katya didn't tell her about Valentina. She already had horror stories from the yoga studio after only a few short days back, and recounted them with relish. They gushed over Trixie’s latest look tutorial. Trixie almost started talking about her big idea, but Katya cut her off. Eventually Katya left laughing and promising they would get together again soon.

 

ONE WEEK LATER

 

“ _Uuuuuugghhhh_ ,” Trixie groaned, “As if!”

“Trixie?” Katya said, to get her attention, and Trixie looked up sheepishly. They were sitting right next to each other on the couch so Katya didn’t have to throw the Milk Dud far to get it to land in Trixie's hair. “Shut the fuck up.”

Trixie smiled as she retrieved the candy and tossed it back. It fell to the floor, and Katya untucked one of her legs to kick it towards the kitchen. Trixie said, “Sorry, I’ll stop.” She was not sorry.

Trixie had popped over to Katya’s after work, insisting she had some solid ideas ready. After they had laughed through Katya’s second Q&A, Trixie alluded that she could think her video idea through a little more, so Katya called her off and insisted they watch _Clueless_. She was now starting to regret that decision, as Trixie had repeated the stupid ‘Ugh, as if!’ catchphrase ten times already.

“ _Would you call me selfish?_ ” The main character Cher asked on Katya's laptop.

“ _No, not to your face_.”

“Ugh, as if,” Trixie muttered.

“Ugh!” Katya scoffed back, pretending to be pissed. Trixie just smiled, and made Katya’s heart flutter a little so she left it.

As they watched, Katya caught herself reacting to the unrealistic movie with groans and one-liners. They just laughed, and let each other be stupid.

“I'm a lesbian,” Trixie announced at one point.

“Really?” Katya spat instantly, earning a soft smack with the back of Trixie's hand.

Trixie went on, “You're a lesbian.”

“Fuck, that explains so much.”

Trixie sputtered laughing for a second before chiding, “Shut up! I'm making a point.” Katya mimed zipping her lips and Trixie stared intently at the laptop screen. “We're both lesbians, but can we agree that Paul Rudd is _beautiful_?”

Katya considered the pink man-baby on screen. “He seems evil. To me.”

Trixie was taken aback. “What?”

Katya sighed, and shifted a little to sort-of look at Trixie, though they were still right next to each other. “Have you watched _Parks and Rec_?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“Bobby Newport!” She exclaimed. “He's never had a real job in his life.”

Trixie smiled and then put on annoyance, scoffing, “Bitch, neither have you!”

Katya swelled with incredulity. “That instructor training? I paid good money for that shit.”

“Less than my cosmetology license,” Trixie countered, and Katya had to smile. She had to let the giggles rise up and flow out, and Trixie had to join her. They looked at the movie but laughed over it.

“What about that fat YouTube check, huh?” Katya posed, as Cher argued with her father on screen.

Trixie's mouth fell open and she insisted, “If anyone honestly thinks YouTube is a real job, they're a sociopath.”

Katya chuckled, and conceded, “Yeah.”  

It was late when _Clueless_ finally finished. Trixie bowed out quickly, making apologies that Katya rejected. Katya informed Trixie she owed her one awesome series idea and locked the door behind her.

 

ONE WEEK LATER

 

“I lied. It’s not a new series,” Trixie explained with a bright smile. Her black journal was sitting on Trixie's dining table between them. “We have to make a new channel.”

That…definitely surprised Katya. She suddenly realized that she had been expecting a lot less from Trixie, that she’d assumed this would be the last matchstick obsession before Trixie finally got bored of dragging Katya on camera with her. Katya answered seriously, “Um, do you have enough subscribers for that?”

Trixie gave her a sweet kind of smile.  “No, not me…Me _and_ you.”

They still didn’t have enough subscribers for that. Katya looked at the book on the table and shook her head. She didn’t get it. “You want to start over from zero.”

“Katya,” Trixie said, forcing Katya to look up, “My videos get three hundred thousand views in twenty-four hours. At least half of that will subscribe right away if we post a promo. Plus your subscribers, and people will find the new videos.”

That word struck Katya. _Videos_. How big of a project was Trixie imagining? Katya stared at Trixie’s open, hopeful face, and it occurred to her that she didn’t care. Whatever Trixie was thinking, Katya had 100% time for it. “Okay, what the hell are we gonna put on this new channel?”

Trixie acted like she was imparting the comedy of secret of the century when she said, “I don't know.”

Katya took a second. “What?” _Why did she take two months to decide she didn't know?_

“I thought about it,” Trixie explained, putting a hand on her journal like she was swearing by it, “And we are the funniest when we just make shit up. It needs to be simple, authentic, just…you and me.”

It was crazy. It sounded crazy. But Katya couldn't stop smiling, couldn't stop loving this stupid idea. She found it funny how funny Trixie found them. “Will it… Are people gonna watch it?” That was the real question, regardless of the butterflies in Katya's stomach.

“I don't know. But I want to do it.”  

Trixie was being bratty, and Katya hated it, and hated how much she liked it. Katya tried to hide her squirming and tried to brainstorm how to tell Trixie this was stupid and they shouldn't waste their time.

But Trixie suddenly fell one degree closer to serious. “I wasn't lying when I told you people say we're funny all the time.”

Katya knew Trixie hadn't been lying the night she’d said that, but they both had been on their way down from drunk, and also in Katya's bed, so Katya didn't trust her own recollection of that night very well. “I don't know.” She didn't know if they were funny enough for _that_. She didn't know if people would like it. Or even just her. Trixie, her subscribers, all of YouTube—for whatever reason, Katya was constantly suspecting they weren't going to put up with her for much longer.

“Okay, maybe we won't be the next Smosh, but,” Trixie paused. She stared into Katya's eyes. “I wanna do this. With you. I think it'll be fun.”

How could Katya think she could hold any sort of resolve with Trixie? How did she ever dream of telling her _no_? Trixie's manicured hand was secured around Katya's heart, squeezing unrelentingly when she pouted her lips, and Trixie didn't even know it. “We’re gonna get laughed off the internet.”

Trixie smiled, seeing the answer in Katya's eyes. “Exactly.”

 

“We should call it 'Ewww’,” Katya posed, almost horizontal on her bean bag chair, as they had moved to the more comfortable seats to properly brainstorm whatever they could for a totally unplanned video.

Trixie laughed. “Or just, like, _ugh_ ,” She said, scoffing with her throat.

“Ouhh.”

“Ouwww.”

“What about, what about, _unhhhh_ ,” Katya tried. She drew out the sound, about 80% sexy but 20% disgusting.

“ _Unhhhh_ ,” Trixie echoed, shaking her shoulders and pulling a face.

“ _Unhhhh_.”

 _“Uuunnnhhhhhh._ ”

“How do you spell that?” Katya asked, still laughing.

Trixie said, “Oh my god,” and grabbed the black notebook. She flipped to a new page dramatically, scribbled for a second, and then showed Katya. In big, wonky letters, Trixie spelled out, ‘UNHhhh’. Katya laughed and flailed her arms so hard, she fell off the bean bag.

 

FOUR DAYS LATER

 

**UNHhhh Ep 1: “YouTube” w/ Trixie Mattel and Katya Zamolodchikova**

 

Trixie and Katya were in Trixie’s studio, sitting in front of the white backdrop. “Hi, I'm that girl who still hasn't had her goth phase, Trixie Mattel!” Trixie introduced, sounding professional and excited. She was wearing a little off-white cotton dress, and her hair was tied into two low pigtails with soft pink bows.

“And I've never had straight friends before, Katya!” Katya sounded more like a hyper toddler. She was wearing a dark and colourful knock-off Valentino dress from AliExpress, and she had left her curls to flop around as they pleased like she usually did.

Trixie carried on. “Welcome to…”

They managed to be mostly in sync when they said, “ _Unhhhhhhhhhh_ ,” the simple block letter logo scrolled behind them in time. They punctuated the long, weird noise with equally disgusting movements and facial expressions.

Trixie explained, “We’ve been good friends for a while now, and we love making videos together.”

“We're just going to do and say whatever we want,” Katya added.

“It's our channel,” Trixie pointed out.

“Yeah. It’s not yours. It’s ours.”

It cut to the title sequence. A glitching screen giving way to Trixie and Katya spinning around under their logo, while the sound of their groans fought the punch of a single chord from a canned electric guitar.

The video returned to them on their chairs. Katya asked, “How did you get started on YouTube?”

“Oh, I wanted to be famous,” Trixie admitted, and she kept looking back and forth between Katya and the camera as she spoke. “I grew up watching American Idol and The Amazing Race with my parents, so I just assumed I would be on TV.” Then, fully to the camera, Trixie whined, “Sorry Jeff Probst.”

Katya nodded and offered, “One time my cousin tweeted that he wanted to be the token gay couple on the Amazing Race with his best friend. And he's not gay.”

Trixie leaned back a bit. “Are you sure?”

It cut to Trixie gesticulating. “Once I got to beauty school, makeup tutorials were a great way to practice, and get attention. And it just went up from there.”

“Keep going and one day you might be as famous as me,” Katya said. A cartoon starlight appeared over her teeth when she flashed a smile, and a _ting!_ sound played.

Trixie choked out a laugh. “Wow,” She droned. “I've always wanted to be on the C-list of the West Hollywood yoga community.”

And then Katya was laughing, shaking, grabbing her dress and flailing around as she wheezed.

The video cut, and Katya was calm, sitting next to a smug-looking Trixie. Katya posed, “How did _I_ get started with YouTube?” Quickly turning to Trixie, she said, “You convinced me to.”

Trixie seemed to like that, but joked, “Yeah, I’m sorry.”

Katya deadpanned, “She ruined my life.”

It cut, and Trixie said, “My favourite thing about YouTube, is that it’s given a lot of wonderful people the opportunity to share their voice and their talents, who otherwise wouldn't have that.”

Katya nodded. When Trixie looked at her, she said, “I like, um, the watch later playlist.”

Trixie stared at her. “What?”

“The watch later playlist,” Katya repeated.

There was deep confusion growing on Trixie’s face. “Did you just make that up?”

“No!” Katya insisted, incredulous, “It's on every video—when you hover over a video, the little box in the corner adds it to your ‘watch later’ playlist.”

The video cut, and Trixie was holding her laptop, clicking around. Katya was practically bouncing in her chair, smiling like an idiot.

Trixie suddenly gasped, glanced at Katya, and then stared shocked into the camera. “What timeline am I from?”

 

Katya @katya_zamo

New channel for hard-hitting truthful journalism with my girl @TrixieMattel! You sub! youtube.com/channel/UNHhhh

 

Trixie Mattel @TrixieMattel

Sitting around talking about nothing is the past, present, of future of my friendship with @katya_zamo. Please enjoy. youtu.be/UNHhhh_1

 

Kim Chi @KimChi_Chic

I hate how funny this is @TrixieMattel @katya_zamo fuck you youtu.be/UNHhhh_1

 

EIGHT HOURS LATER

 

 **Trixie** : KATYA

 **Trixie** : Fuck

 **Trixie** : I'm coming over

 **Katya** : I'm hom ))

 

Trixie came over, and Katya was home, but barely. She had just changed out of her yoga clothes, wet from sweat and getting caught in the rain, when the pounding on the door started.

When Katya opened it, Trixie just screamed. Katya laughed, and then Trixie pushed inside and threw a huge hug around her.

Katya instantly lost herself in it. All day she had been holding in excitement from watching the subscribers on a YouTube channel called UNHhhh tick upwards. Now, she let it flow through her; she let the warmth and pressure of Trixie's hug surround her. Katya hugged Trixie back. Droplets of rain perched precariously on the frizzy strands of her hair, and Katya pushed her face into them without a thought.

“I love you so much,” Trixie said, and let her go.

Katya just moved out of the way to let Trixie actually come inside. _I love you too_ , she thought, but didn’t say out loud. Why wasn’t she saying it out loud? Katya breathed and gave Trixie an excited look. “I’ll grab my laptop,” She said.

When Katya emerged from her bedroom with her computer, Trixie was on the couch with her own already open. “We're almost at 200K subs,” Trixie mused, and Katya could see the energy buzzing under her skin. They sat on the couch and tried to talk about it for a while, but there wasn't much to say. They had made a channel, taken a bunch of stupid pictures for the header and icon, and posted a silly video of them having fun. And people loved it. People were watching it, and subscribing to it.

Katya was trying not to imagine the numbers blowing up even more—promotions, appearances, awards. YouTube was growing, the world was growing, the possibilities were endless. But looking at Trixie smiling still at her computer, Katya had to get out of her head. “Can we celebrate?” She asked. “I have wine.”

Trixie started with eagerness, saying, “Please!”

Katya poured two glasses, just enough for a toast, and Trixie's laptop was forgotten on the coffee table when she carried them out. Trixie accepted hers gratefully, waving it in front of her nose. Katya kneeled on the couch, facing her.

“To Trixie and Katya,” Trixie toasted.

Katya held her glass up. “To UNHhhh,” She said, abbreviating the pronunciation to something manageable, and Trixie's smile softened.

“To UNHhhh,” Trixie repeated, and they clinked their glasses together. Katya watched Trixie as they each took a sip, tasting the sour wine. Katya thought about how happy she was this was all happening, that the video was going over well, and that Trixie was here to celebrate it. She thought about how much she loved Trixie, even if it might weird her out to say it aloud, in the daylight. She was thinking about how beautiful Trixie was, curls messy from a long day at work, all black clothes hugging her smoothly.

Katya needed to get out of her _fucking_ head.

“Should I make an Instagram?” Katya forced herself to ask, so they could talk about something, anything.

Trixie looked over, surprised more than anything. “Uh, yes you should, of course.” She shifted on the couch to turn towards Katya and sipped from her glass again. “Mm. Make it right now,” She suggested excitedly.

Katya allowed herself a small smirk. “I'm not gonna make it right now.”

“Make it right now!” Trixie insisted.

“No!” Katya playfully rejected again, making Trixie sigh and turn her head. Katya leaned sideways into the back of the couch, and glanced around the room as well, working on her wine slowly.

“Oh,” Trixie said, remembering something, “Please tell me you can come to The Beaver next week.”

Katya's stomach fluttered. “Friday?” She asked.

“Yeah,” Trixie said, “It's like an electronic dance party thing, but it's always super chill.”

Katya considered. She was free. “Sure, sounds fun.”

“Yay! Okay,” Trixie said, and pulled out her phone, “Everyone's gonna be so excited you're coming.”

Katya didn't know who 'everyone’ was, but she was going to a lesbian bar with Trixie, and that was all she really needed to know. She smirked as she watched Trixie and tipped the rest of her wine back.

Trixie's nails clacked against her screen as she mused, “Invite Courtney and Ginger, too.” And then, “Are they straight?”

“Yeah,” Katya answered flatly, filing away a reminder to tell them, “They just seem cool ‘cause they hang out with me.”

Trixie glanced over to laugh, still typing. Eventually she locked her phone and eyed Katya's glass and finished her own wine. Grimacing a little as she swallowed, Trixie looked at Katya and said, “I'm making you an Instagram.”

Katya gave her a look. Trixie pouted a little, so Katya said, “Fine,” and started to climb across the couch towards her, thinking she might regret this, but probably wouldn't.

 

 **katya_zamo**  
[Image: A selfie being taken in a yoga studio mirrored wall. Courtney is taking it, and Katya is in the splits on the ground, posing like a gymnast and making the duck face.]  
Liked by **trixiemattel** , **gingerbinge** and **654 others**  
**katya_zamo** Ladies who teach  
JANUARY 24

 

ONE DAY LATER

 

 **katya_zamo**  
[Image: Trixie and Katya in their Romy and Michele costumes, posing like the movie poster.]  
Liked by **trixiemattel** , **farrahrized** and **821 others**  
**katya_zamo** Me with a pasty hag on her deathbed  
JANUARY 25

 

ONE DAY LATER

 

Courtney ambushing Katya after her classes was becoming far too regular of an occurrence for Katya's taste. She hadn't seen Courtney in days, but was offered no greeting, just short instructions and a rampaging path to follow. Katya went, reluctantly, wishing she could pause to redo her hair.

But Courtney took her all the way to the bistro across the street, all the way to a table that Ginger was already sitting at.

“It's been too long, ladies,” Courtney announced, sitting down triumphantly.

“Hey creep,” Katya greeted Ginger.

“Hey bitch,” Ginger returned.

Courtney leaned in, “I just wanted us all to check in,” She offered, “Have some lunch, congratulate you on your new series.”

“Channel,” Katya corrected, keeping her face even, and she took a big gulp from the free water already on the table. While they decided, ordered, and waited, checking in was all they did. Ginger had broken up with Brad again and Katya almost started singing. Courtney was planning a trip back to Brisbane for March, and Katya reminded her that over the last six months of asking Katya to cover her shifts, she had incurred a debt of at least three boxes of Tim Tams. Their food arrived, and they reminisced over Courtney's January dinner party a week back, that had ended up being just the three of them, Jake, and Isaac. It had been a nice night. As they ate, Courtney and Ginger asked about the _channel_ and Katya told them some numbers they didn't understand. Ginger asked how much YouTube paid them for 400K views, and Katya told them a number they did understand. $400 wasn't a lot for all the hours two of them had put into it, the 5 hours Katya had spent editing for it, all the video equipment and software, but she assured them, “It's not about the money.”

Courtney met Katya's eyes and asked “You're having fun, yeah?” Her face was serious, eyebrows slightly raised, and Katya knew she was contrasting fun to more than just money. She was making sure Katya was doing this because she actually wanted to.

“Yes, _mom_ ,” Katya teased anyways, but her smile was small and genuine. Courtney rolled her eyes, and they both turned attention to their meals again. The clock was running on their lunch break.

Ginger looked at them, turned her head back and forth, and after a second she shook her head. “Damn,” She said, killing the silence, “We _still_ haven’t mentioned Trixie. I thought that would be only thing we talked about.”

Courtney looked at her, shocked. “We _don’t_ have to—”

“No,” Katya interrupted, calmly taking control of the conversation then and there. “Let’s talk about Trixie,” She said, setting her fork down decidedly.

Ginger looked apprehensive. Courtney was trying to reach across the table, nervousness written all over her.

Katya didn’t care. “Her friendship is really important to me, this partnership is really important to me,” She listed. “Nothing else matters anymore. So it would be really great if we could stop pretending something’s gonna happen.”

Courtney’s mouth was hanging open. Ginger seemed almost pissed now, and started to say, “Katya, are you—”

“There, we talked about it,” Katya said, and that was the official end to it. She fished her phone out of her pocket, ignoring her friends for a second as they shared an unsure glance. As Katya opened Instagram, she said, “You wanna see the girl I hooked up with on New Years Eve or not?”

 

 **Katya** : Forgot to ask…you free next friday?

 **Courtney** : I have dinner with Jake’s parents [broken heart emoji]

 **Courtney** : Do I want to know what I’m missing?

 **Katya** : Would you believe me if I said Trixie invited you to a lesbian bar?

 

 **Katya** : Busy next friday?

 **Ginger** : Maybe

 **Katya** : How do you feel about lesbian bars

 **Ginger** : There is nothing I want to see more than Trixie getting messy around…whatever her type is

 **Ginger** : But I have falsettos auditions early saturday

 **Katya** : You gonna fuck the first one that can hit a high F again?

 **Ginger** : No

 **Katya** : Lies

 **Ginger** : [middle finger emoji]

 

 **katya_zamo**  
[Image: Katya is posing with her arms crossed, face serious, wearing a baseball cap backwards. She is sitting in a decorative Santa’s sleigh and one of her feet is kicking over a reindeer.]  
Liked by **trixiemattel** , **gingerbinge** and **702 others**  
**katya_zamo** Dostoyevsky in the sheets, Kringle in the streets  
JANUARY 26

 

ONE DAY LATER

 

 **katya_zamo**  
[Image: A selfie Katya took in the prop room at UCLA, making a kissy face and flipping off the camera. It has a heavy filter which is failing to offset the terrible closet lighting.]  
Liked by **farrahrized** , **kimchi_chic** and **795 others**  
**katya_zamo** Hi 2 my haters  
JANUARY 27

 

Katya @katya_zamo

Gia is wise beyond her years truly! youtu.be/boom_boom_gunn

 

ONE WEEK LATER

 

“I happen to have nice bones,” Katya explained, admiring her facial structure from afar in the tiny camera monitor. “I do.”

“Where do you keep 'em?” Trixie joked.

Katya stared at her. “I scatter them,” She said, managing to keep her smile mostly under wraps.

But then Trixie was screaming and falling into laughter, and everything funny bubbled up and around in Katya. She had to shake her arms and bounce for a second.

Katya said, “You know my—”

Trixie cut her off, putting on a creepy voice and miming scattering objects: “ _With my relic stones in the morning_.”

“Yeah yeah yeah!” Katya encouraged. She addressed the camera, asking, “What do you think the key to self esteem is? Doing great things? Being a good person? No, it's scattering _bones_.” She flung her arms out. “How many bones can you scatter across the street?”

“Oh honey, you scattered two bones?” Trixie piped up. “ _Pfft_ oh honey, that's funny honey. That's my Friday night.”

Katya answered Trixie's 'oh honey’ voice with her own valley girl whine. “She probably hasn't been to Boston market like ever—”

"Shit, Katya," Trixie suddenly said, facing falling serious, "It's already 8."

Katya felt all the adrenaline and inertia flow out of her, in favour of dull nerves and some logic, for once. "Right.” She cleared her throat to dispel the vapidity. “Do you have enough footage?"

"Yeah, yeah," Trixie assured, sitting up. "Let's just do the outro."

She hummed in confirmation. Katya composed herself. She looked at the camera, working up a good smile. She outroduced, "Thanks for watching, and don't forget to subscribe to..."

"Unnnhhhhhhh," They said in sync as they wiggled their hands down their bodies.

"Bye now!"

"Bye!" They wished, waving and smiling for the camera. Katya's brain caught up with her body and she asked Trixie, still waving, "What was this episode supposed to be about?"

“Makeup?"

"Ah," Katya said, and gave the camera one last grimace before hopping up off her chair. "Let's go, mama."

They shut everything off but broke nothing down, running ridiculously short on time to get to The Beaver. They touched up their makeup and changed. Katya was going to wear her leather jacket with the fringe over a white dress, and Trixie a tight pink and orange paisley dress with flared sleeves. With her white high-heeled boots and hair curled up to heaven, Trixie was a real presence next to her tiny friend. Katya felt small, shadowy, and forgettable, but that was fine for tonight; she going because Trixie had asked her. While getting ready, Trixie chased Katya with a makeup brush full of glitter for a second, but Katya successfully evaded it.

They Ubered to the McDonald's around the corner from the bar, scarfing down fries in the minutes before they were supposed to meet the rest of their friends. They assured each other the episode was going to be great, the night was going to be fun, and they really shouldn't get ice cream. They bought cones anyways, and ate them on the walk over.

"Hey, is this your first time here?" Trixie asked, though they were still halfway to the bar.

"Yeah," Katya confirmed about this specific bar, and saved a drip of ice cream with her tongue.

Trixie shrieked a little and knocked her shoulder into Katya's. "Are you excited?"

"Mm hm."

"Are you nervous?" Trixie asked. Katya just paused, maybe looked down a little, and then Trixie was pleading, "Don't be! Dooon't be nervous. Please don't be nervous."

Katya couldn't help but giggle at her friend's enthusiasm as they wandered down the sidewalk. She focused on her cone so Trixie wouldn't notice.

"It's a lesbian bar, for _lesbians_ , like _you_ ," Trixie insisted, and Katya knew she was promising she didn't just mean cis lesbians. She could go a little overboard with that kind of thing, but it was sweet. It was well-intentioned and Katya didn't mind.

"It's fine," Katya explained, "I'm not gonna try and hook up with anyone or anything."

Trixie had popped the end of her cone in her mouth and was chewing, looking at the bar in sight down the road. She swallowed, and said, "Just be yourself. If you want attention, you'll get it." Trixie dug five nails into Katya's shoulder and let her voice slide low as she said, "Trust me."

Katya didn't answer, just shoved the rest of her cone into her mouth and tried to decipher the song leaking out of the club.

Inside The Beaver, there was a lot of people. It started to disorient Katya, between the crowd dancing near the back, the people pushing around the tables at the front, and the mob around the bar, she had to pause and scan until she saw a familiar face. "Aja?"

"Katya!" Aja returned, maneuvering to pull her deeper into the bar. She was wearing giant cargo pants and suspenders, and Katya was living for it. “Girl, you look _hot_."

Katya was surprised by the compliment. "Thanks! You too, I love your hair," She said.

Aja's short hair was no longer a silvery bleach, but a bright purple that looked like she had dyed and straightened that day. It flopped silky around her face as she pulled Katya down to a table. "Yeah, people were taking me just a little too seriously," She said, making Katya chuckle. "Oh, TRIXIE! I'm gonna get a drink," Aja told her, and then left.

Katya was confused for a second, relaxed when she saw Trixie heading for their table, and then confused again when she saw Trixie pulling a dark-haired girl by the hand. "I found her!" Trixie announced, as she and the girl worked to sit down with Katya, and Katya didn't know if Trixie meant her or the other girl.

Trixie leaned into Katya and turned her smile to the girl, saying, "This is my work wife _Katya_ ," making Katya feel confused, ecstatic, and a little annoyed all at once. She gave Trixie an apprehensive look, but when Trixie looked over, she just explained, "Adore just started at Macy's."

With the earnest look on Trixie's face, how she touched Adore's hand, even her voice… Realization of a hundred different things rushed into Katya's brain at once, leaving her still looking surprised and nodding dumbly between them. Trixie knew Adore. She liked Adore. She had invited Adore, and all of them, intentionally. Katya swallowed her nerves and quickly said to Adore, "It's nice to meet you." And then to Trixie, "If I'm the work wife, where the hell’s my alimony?"

It was a stupid joke, but Trixie entertained it, shifting into a dull annoyance, "That's not how alimony works. We're not work-divorced."

"We'll get there," Katya insisted.

Trixie sputtered once, and Adore looked intrigued.

"Look look look," Katya said, leaning over the table like she was selling something. "Marriages, all marriages end in one of two things. Divorce," She listed, and a sparkle made it to Trixie's eye as she predicted what Katya was about to say next. "Or necrophilia."

Trixie screamed, laughing, turning around in her chair and Katya laughed with her. For just a second, her heart was light and free with the joy of making Trixie laugh. Katya told herself that whatever happened with Trixie and Adore, her thing with Trixie wouldn't change. Violet, Adore, nobody. It hadn't. It wouldn't. Katya hadn’t expected that to be the thing she had to remember that night, but she hadn’t expected a lot of the curveballs Trixie had thrown her.

Trixie calmed down. She pretended to adjust her chair as she shifted closer to Adore, who looked a little confused but not uncomfortable. Trixie said, "Sorry uh, inside joke," looking like she wished she could come up with a better excuse.

"Party," Adore said. Her mascara was shrouding her eyes, and Katya noticed that was the only makeup Adore was wearing. She said to Trixie, "I watched your video." Katya also noticed that Adore knew what she was doing, wearing that sleeveless shirt. Adore’s arms were…toned. It made Katya think she probably lifted boxes in the back of the Macy’s.

"Really?" Trixie asked, absolutely beaming.

Adore gave her a small, genuine smile. "You guys are hilarious," She said, looking between Trixie and Katya, and Katya realized Adore was talking about UNHhhh. "I didn't think…” She started before frowning and flipping her hair. “Ugh, forget it."

"No, what?" Trixie asked.

Katya joined in. "Yeah! Tell us."

Adore laboured to explain herself. "I can't believe you're like, _like that_ , in real life," She said, with wide eyes.

Trixie laughed, as Katya triumphantly mused, "Our stupidity translates well.”

“Yeah, we’re not funny, we’re just ridiculous,” Trixie said, speaking to Katya's soul and drawing low chuckles out of her.

Katya was still trying to catch her breath when Aja appeared with four shots. Trixie, Adore, and Katya all cheered, drowning out Aja’s explanation that the line was long so she got enough for all of them. Katya couldn’t throw it back fast enough.

 

“So, did you move from Azusa so you could lift boxes in a Macy’s?” Katya asked Adore, as they hovered at the edge of the crowd of dancing people. They were keeping an eye on Aja and Trixie as they danced. Katya didn’t want to join them, she was sweaty enough already, refusing to take off her jacket.

Adore looked a bit confused, like she had a lot in the hour since she’d met Katya. “I think that was a joke,” She said.

“Yeah,” Katya offered shortly, not letting herself feel one way or the other about it.

“I’m a singer,” Adore said, which Katya could pretend to be interested in.

“That’s cool! What do you sing?”

Adore considered. “I write songs.”

“So, pop music.”

She gave Katya a look, saying, “Does anyone like admitting they’re pop?”

Katya laughed, a real, solid laugh. “I guess not.”

As Katya downed another inch of her third vodka, Adore started, “I follow some songwriters on YouTube. The Weeknd, and Troye Sivan.” Katya was pleased she could smile and nod in recognition at that one. Adore leaned over a bit to say, “I think your videos with Trixie are awesome.”

“Thank you!” Katya gushed, and when Adore just looked at her, holding her drink close to her small smile, Katya went on, “It’s a fun little hobby.”

Adore saw through that. “You and Trixie are really good friends.”

Katya shrugged, but nodded as she took another sip. Adore looked out to find Trixie dancing in the crowd. Katya wondered idly what Adore was thinking, half-wanting her to ask if they really were _just_ friends, and entirely knowing she would have a heart attack and die on the spot if that happened. Katya swallowed her feelings and her vodka and whispered loud over the music, “She likes you.”

Adore blushed, barely glanced at Katya. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“She’s amazing.”

Katya swallowed her feelings and her vodka. _Yeah_.

 

Trixie ended up convincing Katya to dance, after she and Aja had abducted Adore, they insisted they needed Katya out there with them too. Drink finished, Katya let Trixie drag her into the crowd. All the music that night was random electronic stuff none of them knew. They danced anyways. Katya danced, forced herself to relax and feel the beat. Aja flipped her hair and Adore shook her shoulders and Trixie bounced on her heels. Katya jumped and shook her head and put her arms in the air. She stopped thinking about what she was doing. She stopped pretending something was going to happen.

 

Trixie crowded into Katya around the corner of table between them. "What do you think?" She said conspiratorially, shooting a nervous look to Adore and Aja trying to convince the DJ to take their request.

Katya couldn't help it. Here Katya was, trying to convince herself that she didn't love Trixie, didn't want her in every which way. And here Trixie was, asking Katya point blank about her prospective girlfriend. Katya couldn't help it. Faced with that question, she ground her teeth and prayed the deep sick feeling in her stomach would stay put. Her whole body was weighed down like gravity had doubled, but she tried to muster up all the enthusiasm she could, saying, "Um, yeah! She's, Adore is cool." She wasn't even convincing herself, but she hoped it was just the alcohol clouding her perception.

Trixie's eyebrows were heavy, hanging over her worried eyes. Her smile faltered. "Are you okay?" Trixie asked.

"Yeah," Katya answered shortly. _Chill. Be normal_. "I'm great. Adore is great."

Trixie just stared like she could still tell something was off. It occurred to Katya that Trixie knew her. “I just don't get you sometimes,” Trixie said quietly.

 _Never mind_. Katya breathed, and stared into her fourth vodka of the night. “Well, I don't get you either,” Her mouth said.

“What?”

“Never mind,” She managed, but Trixie wasn’t having it.

“No, what do you mean?”

Katya felt like half her brain was dead and the other half was thinking faster, better, more coherently than she ever had. “You… You live your life like nothing matters except what's right in front of you,” She explained. “You could do so much. You could build so much.”

Trixie stared at her. In the seconds of silence, Katya managed to process that she actually seemed upset. “What, like a mountain?”

Katya didn't answer that. There was no romance left here, no metaphors. Just alcohol and truth.

Trixie made a noise in her throat. Katya’s stomach was turning from a bunch of unpleasant causes. Trixie just shook her head a little and pulled out her phone, leaning as much away from Katya as she could so she could be introverted for a second.

Notificationless and at 15% battery, Katya didn’t want to look at her own phone, but she did anyways. She didn’t know what she was clicking on or looking at. She eventually realized she had been staring at the same screen for minutes: a picture of herself from a couple Halloweens back. She had stolen a curly, dark brown wig from someone and paraded around in it for an hour. She hadn’t been wearing any makeup. Objectively, it was a pretty terrible look for her and a pretty terrible photo, but there was something about it Katya liked. Maybe the memory was just soaked in the weird satisfaction and freedom she had felt that night, and her brain was making the simplest of connections. Katya zoomed in on the picture of her face.

Suddenly, Trixie’s voice summoned Katya out of her tired, drunken haze. "What’s this?" She asked, and held up her phone.

Katya looked at it. She leaned in to read it.

 _**allaboutvalentina** _  
_[Image: A selfie taken at 12:02am New Year's Day, of Valentina kissing Katya's cheek. Katya looks a little spacey, but happy.]_  
_Liked by **sashavelour** and **453 others**_  
_**allaboutvalentina** i miss her @katya_zamo_  
_2 HOURS AGO_

Katya was surprised to see it, and not in a good way. She was drunk, didn’t really know what she was saying, and just felt so over everything. She looked at Trixie, blank. "What does it look like?"

Trixie frowned at the screen. “Did you…” She trailed off, and then blinked hard and let her phone clatter to the table. "It looks like you fucked her or something."

Katya leaned back. She didn't dare break eye contact, and slowly sipped her drink.

"It _looks_ like you fucked her," Trixie repeated, "But that doesn't make any sense. Because you…" She took a second, and when she spoke again her voice sounded different in a way that Katya was too drunk to figure out. "We're best friends, and you would have told me about her."

Katya didn’t really know what she was saying. “Yeah, I would have.”

Trixie’s face twisted with a sour smile, hands finding her phone on the table and clutching it white-knuckled. She was standing up, and Katya was reaching for her, and she was walking away mumbling about Adore.

 

Katya sat alone for five minutes. She regretted buying vodka #4. She spotted Aja on her own, and forced herself standing, trying to will her body not to sway and knowing she was failing. “Hey, I’m gonna dip.”

Aja went into that mode girls went into when they thought their friends weren’t having fun. “No! Come on, let’s dance.”

“It’s fine, I gotta go.” Katya just wanted to get out of there.

Aja gave a weak pout. “Fiiine. I think Trixie—”

“I already talked to Trixie,” Katya qualified, already pulling away from Aja. “It was good to see you.”

“Hey, this was great!” Aja insisted, “I’ll see you soon, yeah? Congrats on the unf channel thing!”

Katya looked halfway behind her to smile at Aja, and then left, seriously wondering if there even still was a unf channel thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Valentina be like "ghosting me doesn't make sense with my fantasy" lol  
> 


	15. Intentions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “That was…” She trailed off.  
> “Your first interaction with a fan?” Tatianna asked, as she opened her laptop.  
> “I was just gonna say weird,” Katya admitted, making Tatianna breathe out a laugh. “But that too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey beauties. If you care about gender politics and the realism of this story, there is a long end note for you after this chapter. If not, ignorance is bliss! Enjoy the show!  
> [tumblr](http://heartharps.tumblr.com/) [full notes](http://heartharps.tumblr.com/post/179971770898/notes-build-me-a-mountain) [playlist](https://play.google.com/music/playlist/AMaBXynJfnpf-OwJFUvNo3-w6u6OnIg67xWkeSW8T9Cy7kZVg8M1VAOeZTny7u3fHuQX8XDm0i_eEbT2P6LB8434KjbiBk5e0w%3D%3D)

ONE DAY LATER

 

One, two, three, four.

Four, three, two, one.

Katya scrolled up, and then down, and then up again through her own Instagram feed. She looked at the one two three four pictures she had posted, that Trixie had told her to post. The selfie with Courtney from the summer, Halloween with Trixie, herself in the sleigh, and the middle finger selfie she had grown so fond of. Katya scrolled forwards and backwards through time. Notificationless. 100% battery, because she had sat at home all day doing nothing. She scrolled, forwards and backwards, pretending she didn't have to worry about the future when huddled into the corner of her couch under a blanket. 

Katya felt like she had gone back in time. She was back to worrying that everything was over with Trixie. She had ruined it. UNHhhh was dead. She remembered this fear; she remembered waiting by her notificationless phone for weeks.

Except now, it was worse, because she  _ knew  _ Trixie was mad at her. Katya couldn't take weeks of this.

But she was ignoring it, for then, at least, as she opened up her photos. She found the selfie of herself wearing the brown wig and no makeup from a Halloween years ago. Katya still liked it. She decided she liked it a lot. 

Katya clicked the little share button. She clicked through to Instagram. She considered putting the black and white filter over it, but didn't go for it. She made the caption, “Baby Katya”, and posted it.

Katya's phone seemed to take forever to upload it. She watched the progress bar barely moving, and knew she was holding the screen way too close to her face, but didn't do anything about it. 

It finished. The app refreshed.

Katya looked at it, at her picture, her name, the selfie. The caption.

She stared at the place where the likes would start to list. There wasn't any yet.

A wave of annoyance at herself washed over Katya.  _ You can't just sit here and wait for Trixie to like it _ . 

Katya groaned out loud as she forced herself to close Instagram.

 

**Katya** : Sorry I was an asshole last night. Can we talk?

 

ONE DAY LATER

 

The next morning, Katya checked her phone compulsively as she got ready for work. Trixie still hadn’t answered her. There was nothing after she dressed, nothing after she ate, nothing after she packed. Katya tried to let it go on her drive over, but music and traffic only put her more on edge. 

She brushed Courtney off and readied for her first class. She sat on the ground, staring at her phone, notificationless, not watching people trickling in and watching the time ticking up. Katya waited until it reached 11am on the dot, when she couldn't take it anymore. 

 

**Katya** : Hey I can edit episode 2 if you want

 

SEVEN HOURS LATER

 

“Bye Katya!”

“Have a good night, Katya!”

Katya wished the attendants of her last class well. She breathed, stretched, and collapsed on the ground to check her phone. 

Her last two texts were still unanswered.

Suddenly the deep ache was back in her chest, worrying, fearful. Katya couldn't even entertain rationales of schedules and comings-around. She loved Trixie too much. She cared too much to let Trixie be mad at her any longer. 

Her knuckles white as she clutched her phone, Katya stalked to the break room. She got her stuff out of her locker, and when she slammed the door, a couple of the turquoise and pink flowers fell off. She left before anyone could talk to her.

 

_ Knock knock knock knock knock. _ Katya pounded on Trixie's apartment door, struggling not to drop the giant bag of gummy bears she had just picked up.  _ Knock knock knock _ , she knocked again. She knew Trixie should be home; even if she worked that day, her shift would have ended hours ago.

Katya worked her phone out of her bag. Just as she unlocked it to find herself notificationless once again, the  _ click _ of a lock unlatching sounded.

Katya's neck snapped up. She lowered her phone to support the bottom of the gummy bear bag, and leaned towards the hinges so Trixie could see her when she opened the door. 

In quick makeup and jeans, Trixie looked confused to find Katya outside her door. “I thought you were my landlord,” She said. 

Katya started serious with, “I'm sorry.” Then she leaned back a little to hoist the bag of gummies between them. “I brought gummy bears.”

Trixie turned concerned, keeping the door only a foot open. “Katya, I don't want gummy bears,” She said, and Katya could see her pleading. She could see what she was really asking for. 

Katya measured her exhale, staring into Trixie's eyes. “I’m sorry about Friday. Obviously Adore is great, and I'm happy for you, regardless of,” Katya started, and then panicked, “Whatever. I wasn't a good friend, and I apologize for that.”

Nerves swirled around in Katya's stomach as Trixie processed. She seemed to grow less hostile behind the door.

“And, about Valentina,” Katya said, making Trixie glance down for a second, “I didn't mean what I said.” She paused to hike up the bag of gummy bears. “We're friends and I should have told you.”

Trixie's mouth opened, and then closed. She pushed the door open and walked into her apartment. “Come on in,” She said.

Relief began to prickle at Katya's heart as she shut the door behind herself. Trixie definitely still wasn't happy about everything, but she was willing to talk, and that was all Katya was asking for. She deposited the gummies onto the table in front of Trixie, who pushed them to the side as Katya took a seat across from her. 

Trixie leaned back. She fidgeted with her fake nails, and stared down at them. “Is it me?” She asked, and then her eyes slid up to meet Katya's.

Katya's voice was small, breathy. “What?”

“Is there something I did, so you didn't tell me about the girl?” Trixie asked, stunning Katya into silence for a second. “Do you not trust me?”

“No,” Katya answered earnestly, reaching over to touch Trixie's hands briefly, even instantaneously felt too long, too close. “Not at all.” She leaned back and held onto her shirt.

Trixie raised one hand vaguely and then let it fall to the table again. “I feel like I have no idea what's going on with you.” She stared at Katya, frustration in her face.

Katya wondered idly what Trixie would think if she actually knew what was going on, but then forced herself to remember the truth. “It was New Year's Eve in Boston. It was a weird night,” She admitted, which it had been, all a little surreal, almost nostalgic but not. “My parents were weird about it in the morning… I had to process a lot.”

Trixie listened, and Katya had to work not to start focusing on how beautiful her big brown eyes were, on how she wished she could stare into them way more often than she got to.

“It wasn't because we're not, you know, friends or whatever. Friday, I was just drunk,” Katya approximated. “And Adore, she's great! I just got in my—”

“It wouldn't change anything,” Trixie offered, still looking kind of pissed. “If I dated her.”

Katya promised, “I know!”

Everything was simple to Trixie. “We still do UNHhhh. We'll still hang out.”

“I  _ know  _ that,” Katya said, probably feeling more frustrated with herself than Trixie ever had. “I swear, my brain just wasn't working.” 

Trixie shrugged. “Why did you leave?”

Katya shook her head and looked away. “I felt stupid and scared. I knew you were mad at me.”

Trixie didn't say anything for a minute. Katya looked at Trixie's hands, watched her fiddle with her fingers. She wished Trixie could see that she had never meant to hurt her; she still wanted to be that perfect, attentive friend. Trixie looked up and Katya copied her. “Did you like Adore?”

_ No _ . “Yeah,” Katya said, thinking it must be good that they were moving off Katya's transgressions, and that her opinion mattered. “Did you guys have fun?”

Trixie glanced down, so Katya couldn’t read her. “I bailed right after you did,” She said, and a small smile made it onto her face. Katya hated how her heart leaped at all of that.

“What?”

“Uh huh,” She admitted, “I watched  _ American Horror Story _ , slept for ten hours…then edited episode two.”

Katya was floored. She'd assumed staring at Katya's face all day would have been the last thing Trixie would do after the stunt she pulled. “You finished it?” Katya asked, surprised because since they had committed to twice a month UNHhhh videos, Trixie was almost a whole week early. Trixie kept her smirk under control as she nodded to confirm. Katya had to ask, “Why?”

“I dunno. I wanted to.”

Katya beat back the confusion she had around Trixie simultaneously hating Katya for being rude and disappearing, and pouring hours of work into their brand new project. Regardless of whatever, Trixie was smiling again, and it was feeding Katya's soul. She just had one more thing she had to say. “I love you, you know?” Katya hoped Trixie knew she wasn't just talking about forgiving her, or editing, or UNHhhh.

Trixie laughed once through her nose, betraying with her shining eyes that she heard exactly what Katya was saying and loved her too. “I'm just jealous ‘cause you got Sasha Velour's sloppy seconds,” She joked.

_ Huh.  _ “You gonna tell Sasha that at VidCon?” Katya bit right back, making Trixie hum, look away, and turn contemplative.

“Damn, VidCon,” She said to the table, “That's coming up, isn't it?”

They both got the email updates. “Couple months, yeah,” Katya reminded anyways. Trixie thought about that, and Katya sat in silent victory as she knew they were back. Katya a little overeager, Trixie a little spacey. Trixie and Katya, UNHhhh, the most important person in Katya's life—all back back back again.

“Ah, fuck,” Trixie suddenly said, and she brought her hand down onto the bag of gummy bears. “I mean, thanks for coming over here.”

“Thank you for listening,” Katya returned, meaning it.

Trixie sighed, high-pitched and energizing, excitement building as she said, “Wanna watch episode two?”

Katya grinned wide, gushing, “Of course.” 

They were back, just them, just UNHhhh, for ten minutes while they climbed onto Trixie's bed and entertained Trixie's warnings of her very rudimentary editing skills and watched a video of themselves being absolute idiots. Trixie laughed, and Katya got that nagging feeling once again. She couldn't shake the idea that nothing would ever make Katya happier than making Trixie laugh. She tried to focus on the sweet satisfaction and not the sour heat in her stomach. 

Once the rough cut ended and Katya had sufficiently praised it, Trixie started making minor changes anyways. She asked little questions of Katya, before falling into silence for a minute as she clicked around, so Katya stayed put and affirmed all the decisions she would have made herself, which was all of them. It was relaxed, and nice, but there was one more thing Katya wanted to ask about. 

“So, Adore,” Katya prefaced.

Trixie glanced over quickly but kept working. “Yeah?”

“You didn't hook up with her?” 

Trixie's hands froze, and then she gave Katya a quizzical look, claiming, “I don't hook up with people.”

They stared at each other.  _ Interesting _ , Katya thought. There was a lot a person had to know about themselves to make a statement like that. Katya forced herself to keep her mouth closed.

Trixie resumed animating the words 'FACTUAL TRUTH’ next to her head. “No,” She continued, “I fall way too hard, or…” She shook her head and sighed a little as she clicked around.

“Or what?” Katya asked, innocently.

Trixie slowly met her eyes. Her face was serious, neutral, when she said, “Or nothing happens.”

Katya's heart was beating. She didn't move a muscle. She couldn't say what Trixie meant by that, but her mind was running wild with what-ifs and conspiracy theories. The sour heat in her spread. She stared at Trixie.

Trixie hit a button and their laughs rang out, way too loud in the small bedroom. They both looked to the screen. “You think I should ask her out?”

“Adore?”

“No, your mom,” Trixie joked, throwing a Katya a silly look.

_ Fuck. Chill, be normal _ . “Yeah, you should. As my dear friend Courtney Joanne Elizabeth Act once said,” Katya started, earning a hesitant glance from Trixie, “‘Go be gay together,’” and Trixie cackled. 

 

Katya @katya_zamo

If you can't take the heat, kindly step away from my scorching hot pussy.

 

Twitter

@TrixieMattel liked your tweet.

 

Instagram 

**trixiemattel** liked your post.

 

Instagram

**trixiemattel** commented: [sparkling heart emoji] [haircut emoji]

 

FIVE DAYS LATER

 

Katya sped down the hallway. She swore under her breath in whatever language came to mind. Rounding the final corner, she could see Tatianna's door was open. Katya tried to keep her pace while also regulating her breathing, and definitely failed. When she came up to the door she barreled through it—and then froze.

“So you—oh! Katya, hi!” Tatianna greeted, and the student she was talking to turned to look at Katya.

“Hi, I'm sorry I'm late,” Katya offered, confused why there was someone in her chair.  _ Did I get our meeting time wrong? _

The someone didn't look confused. In fact, she seemed quite excited, looking back and forth between Katya and the professor with her mouth hanging open. “No way. Katya Zamolodchikova?” The someone asked Katya.

“Um. Yes?” Katya replied.  _ Do I know her? I don't know her. Who is this girl? _

“No way,” The girl gushed and stood up so she was almost in Katya's personal space. Tatianna was just bemused. “I love your videos.”

“Oh, thank you!” Katya said automatically. 

The girl was buzzing. “Tatianna mentioned you in class—I love UNHhhh,” She said. “Your speech about  _ Game of Thrones _ was hilarious.”

Katya couldn't help laugh. She had tried to form a coherent discussion of whether or not she would survive in George R. R. Martin’s universe, but ended up just ranting about which house would get to her first. “That's so sweet, thank you.”

“Cassie and I were just finishing up,” Tatianna interjected, giving her student a bit of a warning look. 

But Cassie still looked at Katya, eyes wide, and asked, “Can I actually get a selfie with you?”

Katya was starting to process how  _ weird _ this was, but she was happy to say, “Sure!” And chuckle a little. Cassie bounced around as she got out her phone and sidled up next to Katya. Katya looked at the camera, flashed her teeth. As the still image of them shrunk and traveled to one corner of the screen, Katya said, “Cute.”

“No way thank you so much,” Cassie rambled, as she slung her bag over her shoulder. Katya thought Cassie might try to hug her, but Tatianna spoke up.

“So I need your essay by Monday,” Tatianna reminded.

“Right!” Cassie said, as she maneuvered out the door. “Thanks, Tatianna. It was really nice to meet you Katya!”

“Yeah,” Katya said as she rushed off. She took a second to think about what just happened as she sat down, ignoring Tatianna's smirk. Cassie knew Katya. She watched her videos, and wanted a selfie with her. “That was…” She trailed off.

“Your first interaction with a fan?” Tatianna asked, as she opened her laptop.

“I was just gonna say weird,” Katya admitted, making Tatianna breathe out a laugh. “But that too.”  _ I have fans _ . 

Tatianna set her computer to the side and leaned on her desk. “So, how are you?”

“I have fans, I'm great,” Katya joked.  _ A stranger has a picture of me on her phone. _ “No, my videos are doing great,” She started, trying to remember everything about the expensive hobby she was there to talk about: YouTube. “The new channel is doing really well. I'm convincing Trixie to  _ actually try _ to get to VidCon as a featured creator with me.”

“You've been keeping busy,” Tatianna observed.

“I have a lot of inspiration,” Katya reframed, “Which I am thankful for.”

Tatianna was showing her reservation more and more. “And you're still full time at the yoga studio,” She said, which Katya didn't think was all that relevant, until, “You know, if you don't have time—”

“I do,” Katya said, more firm than she had ever been with Tatianna. “This is a priority.”

Tatianna regarded her for a second, and then her mouth turned up in a small smile. “You know you didn't answer my question.”

Katya waited a second. “Huh?”

“I asked, how are  _ you _ ?”

Katya had to keep herself from rolling her eyes, but it was a valid point. “I, I, I am good. Really.”

Tatianna still didn't look satisfied, but started clicking on her computer with one hand. “Staying out of the comments?”

Katya wasn't going to lie. “No,” She answered, and Tatianna gave her a resigning glance. Katya had to bring up, “I saw Gia disabled them on her video.” Peppermint and Gia had both made awesome videos, but now no one could comment on either of them.

Tatianna nodded. They were all on the same email chains. “You are,” Tatianna started, surprising Katya by turning the conversation right back onto her, “Very accessible. Twitter, comments, VidCon…”

Katya had learned that when she thought Tatianna was being rude, she was actually saying something Katya should listen to.

“Not right or wrong,” Tatianna clarified, “Just, something that should be intentional. And done safely.”

Katya breathed and nodded.  _ Intentional. Safe. _ She usually thought more along the lines of spite and risk, but she could see Tatianna's point. Yes, people left scary messages on Katya’s videos faster than she could report them, and she was glad her personal information wasn’t so accessible anymore…but as Tatianna started to talk about Peppermint and Gia’s videos, showing things on her laptop, Katya started to wonder if things like Twitter, comments, and VidCon were actually dangerous. 

 

ONE DAY LATER

 

“Ready?” Trixie said, and Katya nodded, silently hating how giddy she was getting over this silly, unspecial thing. “Three, two, one!”

They both brought their fingers down onto the trackpad of Trixie's laptop. Trixie's nail slid and bumped into Katya's, making the cursor navigate away from the ‘Publish’ button entirely. 

“Fuck,” Katya said.

“Shit,” Trixie said, quickly using the mouse like normal to successfully publish “UNHhhh Ep 2: “Makeup” w/ Trixie Mattel and Katya Zamolodchikova”. The screen refreshed, showing the thumbnail and sharing info, and Trixie cheered, “Yay!”

Kaya just giggled, and met her high five. 

“Okay,” Trixie said, opening Twitter. She pasted the the URL of the new video into a direct message to Katya.

Katya didn’t watch Trixie compose a quick tweet promoting the video; she refreshed her conversation with Trixie, waiting for the message to come through. Katya remembered the first video URL that had ever passed through their DM conversation. It linked to a yoga-themed makeup tutorial made by an energetic woman who worried too much about one person’s opinion. Katya’s makeup had changed since then, evolved with colours and layers and lighter fingers, but she didn’t think much else had. 

Finally, the link popped up on her phone, and Katya got out of her head so she could think of something to say.

_Trixie Mattel @TrixieMattel_  
_I swear I graduated from beauty school youtu.be/UNHhhh_2_

_ Katya @katya_zamo _  
_ Full-coverage coverage you can count on from women you can trust youtu.be/UNHhhh_2 _

Katya quickly liked and retweeted Trixie’s, making a mental note to send the link to Courtney and Ginger later. She looked up to see Trixie liking and retweeting hers. 

Trixie hummed amusedly as she closed Twitter, flopping back into her pile of pillows and pulling her computer up on her lap. Katya carefully leaned back, watching her shut a dozen tabs and navigate, nails clicking on the metal. “ _ Bring It On _ ?” She asked.

“Bring it on,” Katya confirmed in a challenging tone, making Trixie chuckle as she searched up an illegal copy of the movie. Katya kept glancing over at her face, telling herself it was because she was glad they were back to normal. They were back to watching shitty, colourful movies, posting dumb videos, and laughing at each other. Trixie looked happy, and beautiful. She didn't seem to notice or care Katya was looking at her. She had a different girl to distract her now, and there was a million things Katya wanted to talk about, but she knew she had to ask about that first. Katya shifted and then shifted back, asking, “So, how was your hookup with  _ Adore _ ?”

Trixie snorted as she settled the laptop where they could both see it, and then tucked her legs up, curling into the pillows. “If it was supposed to be a hookup, it went terrible,” She joked. It made Katya want to laugh, but that was dampened by the jealousy in her stomach—but the fact that she still felt jealous over  _ nothing _ was ridiculous, and made her want to laugh even more. Katya didn't, though, and just smiled like Trixie was smiling. Trixie went on, “No, we had fun.” 

“Mmm,” Katya hummed, “I don't need to give Miss Delano a talking to about intentions, or, whatever?”

That made Trixie laugh, soft giggles pointed at Katya over the production company credits at the beginning of the movie. Katya stared at the screen and fidgeted with her shirt. Trixie's voice was low but still light when she said, “I can take care of myself,” and leaned her head over to knock Katya's shoulder. 

Katya didn’t answer that. She didn't know what to say that wouldn't be weird. So she sat quietly. She watched  _ Bring It On  _ and didn't move closer on the bed. Trixie moved and sprawled around, lying different ways and adjusting throughout the movie. They chatted quietly at the boring parts. Trixie offered stories of dumb, funny, or cute things Adore had done on their date, and Katya recounted the best stories from the yoga studio that week. 

Kirsten Dunst was whining on screen for the bajillionth time when Trixie looked up from her phone and said, “Farrah’s gonna join us for dinner.”

Katya glanced over. “Am I staying for dinner?” She asked, having been previously unawares of that.

“Yeah,” Trixie said, “Wanna help me make burrito bowls?”

Katya smiled. “Sure.” She watched Trixie click through Twitter on her phone for a second. Probably liking things from her fans—their fans. Their shared fans, fans of UNHhhh, who were popping up on Twitter more and more every day. Katya remembered that one big thing she wanted to talk to Trixie about, and took a second to push herself over her self-consciousness and insecurity before asking, “Hey, have you met your fans?”

At first Trixie just pointed a sweet smile at her, eyebrows tugging upwards, and Katya waved her hand as if to say  _ other than me! _ Trixie still grinned to herself and said, “Yeah, at conventions and events. When I tweet that I'm going, people find me.”

“And they know who you are?” Katya needed to ask.

Trixie was starting to turn confused, but confirmed, “Yeah.”

“And they take selfies with you?”

“Sometimes, yeah,” Trixie said. She looked around as her face flushed fully incredulous. “Do you not know how YouTube works?”

Katya didn't bother answering that, but tried to explain why she was thinking about all of this. Her brain came up with, “I met someone.”

Trixie instantly started with excitement. “No way!” She exclaimed with pure joy.

_ Fuck shit shit fuck shit _ . “No,” Katya tried, squeezing her eyes shut and trying to  _ focus _ . “I met a fan,” She said, decidedly.

“Don't date a fan,” Trixie instantly warned.

_ Fuck!  _ But Katya couldn't think about that then. “I'm not—”

“That's, like,” Trixie interrupted, and she was a thousand percent earnest claiming, “ _ Instant _ five-part vlog drama.”

Katya stared at the movie and took a measured breath, and Trixie thankfully gave her a second. Katya looked over. “There was this girl, she said she loved UNHhhh, and wanted a selfie with me.”

“Oh, yeah,” Trixie said, unlocking her phone again, exuding nonchalance.

_ I had a question...What was my question? _ “Was… Is that weird?”

Trixie looked up. She was totally neutral asking, “Did it feel weird?” It occurred to Katya that Trixie knew her, and was usually in tune with Katya’s emotions.

Katya tried to remember how it felt. She couldn't. “I mean, she liked me.”  _ So it should be fine. _ But then Katya was remembering when she had first met Trixie, eons and lightyears ago. “She probably thinks she knows me.” 

Trixie's expression told her she wasn't making any sense.

“I just mean…” Katya didn't know if Trixie actually didn't get what she was saying, or just had moved way past worrying about creator-viewer dynamics long ago. “I'm trying to be realistic about my moderate internet fame, here.”

“You are the worst YouTuber, on the planet.”

Katya sputtered laughing, arms shaking, before she calmed and said, “Well you're stuck with me.” And  _ instantly _ regretted it. With horror coursing through her, Katya remembered Courtney's Christmas party, when Trixie had said her whole brand was based on their friendship. Then, it had been a stretch, a compliment. Now, it rang a little more true, and Katya was paralyzed with the terrible thought that Trixie was only putting up with her because she thought she had to. The last thing Katya wanted was Trixie doing anything she wasn't totally excited about.

But Trixie just laughed, screaming out and leaning away. Katya stared at her face. As she returned attention to the movie, Trixie wore a soft smile and shifted closer on the bed. She sprawled out, limbs hanging everywhere except Katya's space. Trixie didn't look stuck at all. She looked happy.

Katya hoped she was.

 

ONE DAY LATER 

 

Katya @katya_zamo 

My pussy tastes like orange soda.

 

Trixie Mattel @TrixieMattel

@katya_zamo mine tastes like strawberry lecroix

 

Subscribe to UNHhhh @traceymartel

@TrixieMattel @katya_zamo like you don't already know what each other's pussies taste like

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's right, people on the internet are shipping Trixie and Katya. *le gasp*  
> There is a LOT I could talk about in terms of gender politics, and the difficulties with shipping real people. This story explores some aspects of that and not others. Instead of boring you by trying and inevitably failing to explain all the relevant bits and what I'm trying to do, I'll just encourage you to take a minute to think critically about the sexualization of male friendships, the de-sexualization of relationships between women, and the fetishization of wlw and trans women. And of course if you wanna get into it with me, I would love that, all my inboxes are open!


	16. Where Are My Lesbians?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But she was stuck on the end there, on the feeling that had overwhelmed her, of needing to deny deny deny that she and Trixie were a thing. Katya had been so close to launching into a ten-minute speech with a Powerpoint detailing how absolutely platonic everything was between them. She had tasted how loud and brash the “NO” would have been, if it had had the chance to leave her mouth.

ONE WEEK LATER

 

Katya was fine.

She was sitting in the break room between classes, not tasting her salad as she ate it, staring at her phone sitting still on the table. She looked at the empty chairs around the table she was at. There was only one other person in the room, Matt, who was doing some paperwork with big headphones on.

She was fine. Just a little understimulated.

Katya let out a big breath and unlocked her phone again. Her text conversation with Trixie was open.

 **_Katya_ ** _: When are you free to film unhhh this week?_

It was obvious Trixie was busy at work, since she hadn’t replied in two hours. Katya switched apps to open YouTube. She scrolled through all the new videos, not wanting to bother with earbuds to actually watch any of them. She was weeks behind with some channels she subscribed to.

It was a reflex for Katya to move her thumb over the notifications button, but she paused. Her brain was remembering Tatianna’s words, and the emptiness she felt when she found hateful comments. But she had been braving that for months. Now, her brain was remembering something else too, something different, that scared her in a different way.

People liked Trixie. People liked Katya. And people liked them _together_. Romantically, sexually, domestically together.

Katya was terrified it was going to drive them apart.

It wasn’t exactly new, but it was happening more and more, and Katya just didn’t know what Trixie thought about it. Seeing people assume they were in love or fucking or whatever filled Katya with every emotion under the sun. That included some weird, sick excitement, but mostly worry, dread, and annoyance.

She didn’t want to deal with all that right then, so she locked her phone and let it fall to the table. Katya ate more salad. She stared at the empty chairs across from her, already missing Courtney’s upbeat chatter, 2 days after she’d left for her trip home to Brisbane. It would be weeks before she returned to fill the break room with her humming and quick opinions once again. Weeks of waiting for texts back from Trixie. Weeks of trying to stay out of the comments.

Katya groaned to herself as she picked her phone back up.

 **_Katya_ ** _: Wanna catch up on Dance Moms?_

 **_Ginger_ ** _: I want my dance captain to catch fire_

 **_Katya_ ** _: You need this as much as I do_

 **_Ginger_ ** _: Next week after rehearsal?_

 

THREE DAYS LATER

 

They were already in their chairs in Trixie’s studio when Trixie said, “Let’s talk about money.”

“Money?” Katya confirmed. It was a great idea.

“Yeah we…” Trixie smiled as she explained, “We know about money, right?”

Katya shrugged. “Sure.” She watched Trixie write the word in big capital letters in her latest pink book, _M O N E Y._ Katya glanced around for a second, and realized the camera was sitting on an angle. “Oh, Trixie, the tripod.”

Katya moved to get up but Trixie beat her to it, as the leg that had collapsed just a little bit was on Trixie’s side, anyways. She evened out all the legs again and tightened the clamp quickly. Trixie turned to Katya as she asked, “Ready?”

“Yeah,” Katya confirmed.

They took a second to set the shot, and then, “Hi, I’m a math teacher with a _really annoying voice_ , Trixie Mattel!”

“And I’m a homeless woman named Trish, Katya!”

“And welcome to…”

“ _Uuunnnhhhhh_.”

“The show where we talk about whatever we want,” Trixie promised.

“Because it’s our show.”

“And not yours.”

They paused for a second so they could edit the title sequence in. With a quick glance and a nod from Trixie, Katya started them off.

The first thing that came to mind was, “Money is the food of the now.”

“You need money to live,” Trixie replied sagely, “And you live, for money.”

“Live to eat! Don’t eat to live.”

“Don’t…” Trixie started, but then trailed off as she considered that.

Suddenly, the was a quick, loud _squeak!_ and Trixie jumped back in her seat, making Katya lurch forwards. The clamp on the tripod leg pointing at Trixie had given way, and the weight of the camera had made the leg slide a foot towards her. They looked at each other. Neither of them had actually gotten up, and the tripod hadn't actually fallen over, but the surprise on Trixie's face matched the panic in Katya's chest. But they were fine. Trixie was fine.

“Is your studio haunted?” Katya asked, letting just enough excitement out. Trixie smiled and turned her wide eyes back and forth between the camera and Katya. She almost said something and almost stood up to fix the tripod again, but Katya cut her off. “Oh no,” She insisted.

Katya flitted into her way, lifting up the camera. She inspected the knob. It looked fine, but Katya wasn't really sure. She hummed to herself.

“Is it a ghost? Or am I just terrible at everything?” Trixie asked.

“You know what would have prevented this?” Katya posed, turning her head back to Trixie. “Money.”

Katya listened to Trixie laughing as she rubbed her fingers raw turning the clamp as tight as it would go.

 

FOUR DAYS LATER

 

“Where are my lesbians?”

Katya looked up, not actually processing the words until Ginger met her gaze. She barked out a laugh when she saw Katya had reacted. “Not you.”

Katya raised her hands in retreat and returned to her laptop, tucking her crossed legs in closer and shrinking further into the wall.

“Manila? Alexis!”

As the time in the corner of her screen kept increasing, Katya just tried to focus and stay calm. It was then Saturday afternoon, and Katya still had 30 seconds of words and random backgrounds and embarrassing pictures of Trixie to animate over the footage of them talking. She couldn't follow her inspiration into elaborate Photoshop scenes anymore; she just needed to post the episode. The editing style they'd hardly discussed but were sticking to furiously was simple, but all editing took time. It was just time that neither of them had that week.

“I told you to look at 'The Baseball Game’,” Ginger accused, her voice alone rising among the din of the dozen cast and crew milling around, waiting to be yelled at. “No, Alexis, I _don't_ have time to run your notes.”

Katya slipped her earbuds in again. She replayed the part she'd just finished working on, mentally re-processing the audio she had already perfected. This part was fine, and she let it play over the next bit Trixie said, and the next bit, just watching and listening as the rehearsal buzzed around her.

If Katya had 10% more self control, this would have been the perfect environment to work in. The people moving and chattering, orbiting around Ginger and whichever select few of the cast she was having spit and lament, the mixed noise. She was just a touch too interested in what her friend was up to. She couldn't stop looking up, listening, laughing along.

But Katya didn't really mind. It was her own fault anyways, for not finding the time to edit episode 3 before then. Crashing the _Falsettos_ rehearsal was just where she'd ended up after work, before her _Dance Moms_ date with Ginger.

It was just weird because she was rushing. Two Saturdays ago, they'd only had to press one button, not edit the entire video. Katya was literally ignoring Trixie's texts, hiding her buzzing phone in her bag, because she had left this so last minute. Life was picking up, it seemed. Katya knew both she and Trixie were then juggling UNHhhh, their own videos, shift work, and staying alive—it was a lot. Katya found herself cursing out the traffic more and more, running late even more than normal, counting the minutes and seconds of her classes as they seemed to soak up so much of her time. She just wanted to be working. Well, making videos. She wanted to be talking and laughing. She wanted to be with Trixie.

Okay, that was probably a bigger part of it than Katya liked to think.

But like Trixie had told her months and months ago, Katya _loved_ YouTube. For all the jokes about it being a dead-end, pointless hobby, both Trixie and Katya did take it seriously. For all Trixie's assurances they wouldn't be the next Smosh, Katya's mind wondered if they could be that famous. She mused over a life of doing nothing but what she loved all day, making Trixie laugh, making videos.

It was a dumb, distant dream. Katya focused on fixing up the outro.

Ginger was dismissing some people and pulling others in close. The crew were coming and going, different people showing up and leaving. It all seemed like organized chaos, as Katya clicked around iMovie. Ginger was a good…whatever she was. Music director? Yeah, she was good at that.

A few men were singing enthusiastically about baseball as Katya rewatched the final edit of the video. She could upload and post it at Ginger's place. _Finally._

 **_Trixie_ ** _: Are u almost done?_

 **_Trixie_ ** _: I'm gonna get fucking fired lol_

 **_Trixie_ ** _: R u done_

 **_Trixie_ ** _: Hellooooo_

 **_Katya_ ** _: Yes I'm done! It'll be up soon_

 **_Trixie_ ** _: My hero! [heart with a ribbon emoji]_

 **_Katya_ ** _: Now get back to work_

 **_Trixie_ ** _: I don't wannaaa_

Katya was fighting the smile off her face, trying to bring herself to call Trixie out for being a brat, when Ginger's voice sounded much closer than it had all afternoon, “Katya can you get your face out of Trixie's tits for a second?”

Katya's head snapped up, mouth hanging open as she looked between Ginger and the small student standing next to her.

“This is _Jay_ , she does _sets_ ,” Ginger introduced, like they were both 5 years old. Katya fought to control her stupid face as she stood up. Ginger said, “She wants to compliment your illustrious internet career.”

“Oh!” Katya reacted, feeling herself smile at the girl, Jay, who seemed a bit regretful of getting herself into this. “Are you serious?” She asked, knowing the answer. Ginger was already winking and wandering away.

Jay threw nervous glances between Ginger and Katya, claiming, “I just thought I recognized you from UNHhhh.”

Katya smiled, excitement flashing in her at the face-to-face evidence of people watching their program. “That's me, alright.”

Jay nodded. “Yeah, like, I follow a bunch of vloggers from L.A., who all recommended it. Um. You're hilarious,” Jay said matter-of-fact, eyes still wide but she was relaxing to Katya’s level.

Katya laughed. “Thank you!”

Then, as an afterthought, “And Trixie too, you guys are—”

“No she's not, it's fine,” Katya insisted.

Jay giggled a little. She was just smiling at Katya, looking intrigued. “I just can't believe you're _here_ ,” She said.

It was a bit coincidental, Katya thought, but if anyone watched her videos, why not theatre kids in L.A.? “I just like to follow Ginger around,” Katya qualified, gesturing vaguely to wherever her friend went.

“Wow, this was so much easier than VidCon,” Jay remarked.

Katya felt her whole world brighten a few degrees. “You’re going to VidCon?”

“Yeah!” She confirmed, and then she got a funny glint in her eye as she said, “I'll come see you and _Trixie_.”

Katya had an idea of what Jay was thinking, what with Ginger's comment still playing in a loop in her own head. She wanted to say _no_ . She wanted to tell this stranger it was all jokes, that she would never see Trixie's girlfriend on the internet but she was alive and well and _not Katya_. But in the split second Katya took to panic, someone called Jay’s name.

“Uh, I gotta go,” Jay said, already backing away. “It was nice to meet you!”

“Yeah!” Katya called after her, watching her being instantly absorbed into a deep conversation about wood or something probably. She let the adrenaline leak out of her into the quieting room, watching Ginger give final instructions to her charges. Katya probably had a couple more minutes before Ginger smuggled her away to watch bad TV and bitch about life into mugs of tea. She sat back down against the wall and retrieved her phone.

 **_Trixie_ ** _: Macy’s is stupid_

 **_Katya_ ** _: You’re stupid_

 **_Katya_ ** _: Just kidding!_

 **_Trixie_ ** _: [crying emoji]_

 **_Katya_ ** _: Don’t get fired we need a new tripod_

 **_Trixie_ ** _: Oh actually?_

 **_Katya_ ** _: The camera almost killed you filming last episode…_

As Katya waited for an answer or a Ginger, the excitement was gone, and the distraction of Trixie’s texts now absent. She started to process what had just happened with Jay.

It had certainly felt less weird than her first fan. Katya thought she had acted less awkward. But she was stuck on the end there, on the feeling that had overwhelmed her, of needing to deny deny deny that she and Trixie were a thing. Katya had been so close to launching into a ten-minute speech with a Powerpoint detailing how absolutely platonic everything was between them. She had tasted how loud and brash the “NO” would have been, if it had had the chance to leave her mouth.

And then Katya was remembering other people. Real celebrities. Young, attractive people, in young attractive friendships, virulently denying the same things. Katya knew that this usually only fanned the flames.

She could imagine it then, rumours flying about two YouTubers who happened to be lesbians, happened to do everything together, snapping at fans and shunning people who “shipped” them. In an industry where it didn’t exist if it wasn’t online, not much else existed for Trixie and Katya except a whole lot of laughing and smiling at each other.

Katya tucked her knees into her chest and breathed. She felt relieved that she hadn’t said anything else to Jay, and then scared because she had been _so close_ to fucking up. Complex human people watched their show. People. It mattered to them what Trixie and Katya said and did. The looming burden of congeniality and accessibility was starting to seem like a bit much to Katya, she had to start actively ignoring it, and when her phone buzzed she almost sobbed with relief.

 **_Katya_ ** _: The camera almost killed you filming last episode…_

 **_Trixie_ ** _: I forgot about that_

 **_Trixie_ ** _: Blocked it out [dizzy face emoji]_

 **_Trixie_ ** _: It’s fine. That fat youtube check is in the mail as we speak_

Katya spent a moment too long smiling down at the message, as Ginger was high-tailing out of the music room before she could think of a real reply.

 

 **Katya** : [money-mouth face emoji][heart eyes emoji]

 

FIVE DAYS LATER

 

 **Trixie** : I broke YouTube

 **Katya** : ?

 **Trixie** : I can’t see anything!

 **Katya** : You are the worst youtuber on the planet

 **Trixie** : I hate you

 **Trixie** : Please come help meee

 

Katya didn't expect many of the things that happened next. She didn't expect to find something actually wrong with the UNHhhh account, such that she felt she should actually go over to Trixie's so they could figure it out. She didn't expect the traffic to be so light on the way over. And she didn't expect Adore to let her in.

_Knock knock knock knock knock._

“ _Hey, can you grab that?_ ”

“ _Hm?_ ”

“ _Katya's here_.”

“ _What?_ ”

“ _Can you let her in?_ ”

There was a shuffle, and then the door pulled open. “Katya!” Adore greeted, as hyper and happy as the night they’d first met.

“Hey,” Katya said, trying to seem friendly, but mostly trying not to freak out.

“Come in.” Adore shut the door behind her and pulled her into a quick hug once Katya was inside. “Party. Wassup,” She said and immediately started into the apartment. Katya followed her.

 _Does she not remember I ruined her first date with Trixie?_ Katya wondered. The panic inside her was subsiding quickly, as Adore didn't seem to have any cold feelings or blame for Katya.

Trixie was in the kitchen, tending to a steaming pan. “Hey!” She said, but didn’t move from her post, poking stuff around with a wooden spoon. Katya didn’t think she was getting a hug from the person she really wanted it from, so she walked into the living room and around to wait a few feet away from Trixie as she worked. “Thank you _so_ much for coming. I am feeding you, by the way.”

Katya didn’t know how she felt about that. “It’s no problem, it’s probably just—”

“Ugh, Adore has everything over there,” Trixie said, waving her off. Katya glanced to see Adore, sure enough, settling onto the armchair with Trixie's laptop, looking intently at the screen. Trixie just stirred furiously, promising, “I gave up. I couldn't look at it anymore.”

“Yeah, sure,” Katya said, and left Trixie to her pan. She moved towards the couch. She tried to remember the endearing parts of Adore's endearingly-annoying personality, trying to forget why Adore was there and what she and Trixie probably got up to in the big pink bed.

Katya had to pull her bean bag chair close enough so she could see what Adore was doing. She opened up her laptop, refreshing all the YouTube pages still open. She looked between her and Trixie's computers quickly, trying to make any sort of sense of what she was seeing. Adore was refreshing all the same pages Katya was, the channel pages, which were all blank. The videos played, but the views, likes, and dislikes were just empty spaces.

“This is so weird,” Adore remarked, comparing to Katya's screen.

They clicked around next to each other for a bit. Katya googled some stuff, with no luck. Eventually Katya got so frustrated she set her computer to the side. She shuffled over, focusing solely on directing Adore. Trixie just laboured over the food. When she had to leave something to simmer, she came over to perch on the arm of the chair. Absolutely nothing got done with the three of them investigating Trixie's computer.

“I will email YouTube support,” Katya finally resolved, and Trixie whined in defeat. Adore just nodded.

Katya took her laptop and bean bag across the room so she could lean against the wall, and also get away from her friends. Who were cute. And leaning their heads against each other. While Katya was there, ducking her head and putting way too much attention into figuring out how the fuck YouTube support worked. Katya definitely didn't notice them mumbling quietly. She didn't wonder what Trixie was doing when she pulled out her phone, browsing lazily, still perched next to Adore.

Katya didn't have to wonder what Adore was doing, as she let a few seconds of each episode of UNHhhh play out loud as she continued to refresh the pages, still trying to get the views to show up. They were all quiet for a while, until Adore interrupted Katya's furious email composition: “The comments on these are fucking weird.”

Katya blanched, reminded that the comments were very much working, of all things. “If they're, like, _transphobic_ just ignore—”

“You can report them,” Trixie happily, firmly finished. Katya gave her a look and Trixie gave her a look right back.

Adore's face was blank. “That sounds like a party,” She said, and Katya wanted to laugh but didn't dare. When Adore started reading, though, Katya wasn't laughing. “But there's shit like... _I ship them so hard. I think they like each other_ …” Adore trailed off and looked between them, and Katya felt frozen in place.

Trixie opened up her phone again. “Yeah I've seen that,” She said, doing nothing to ease Katya’s nerves.

 _Be._ _Fucking. Normal_. “It's just dumb people on the internet,” Katya added, and tried to return to her email.

“It's cute,” Trixie said to no one, and Katya's heart skipped a beat.

Trixie thought it was cute? She wasn't annoyed? She wasn't even indifferent— _cute_. It wasn't even a condescending cute. She didn't think Trixie and Katya together was ridiculous; she seemed almost happy that people were talking about them like that.

Katya was about to say something, nerves and surprise swirling around inside her, but Trixie smiled down at Adore, who had been staring intently at the computer. Trixie teased, "You jeeealooous?" and Katya had to cross her legs.

Adore looked up, seeming serious, and Trixie softened into a tender smile. Adore asked, "Am I allowed to be jealous?"

Katya had to physically stop herself from groaning aloud, knowing what Adore meant because of _course_ they were going to have this conversation while Katya was there. She set her jaw and stared straight at her own laptop, pretending not to notice Trixie visibly realize what Adore was talking about.

"Oh," Trixie said. She settled a hand down to take one of Adore's, as Adore shifted to turn a little bit more towards her. "I really like you," Trixie said, and Adore just blushed and tilted her head. Katya dug her nails into her leg. "I'm good to be, exclusive, girlfriends, whatever, if you want."

Adore nodded. "Yeah."

"Yeah?" Trixie confirmed.

"Exclusive, girlfriends, sounds good."

"Yay," Trixie cheered weakly, smiling too wide to shoot for volume, and she leaned down to catch Adore's lips in a kiss. When they parted, the hand Adore had reached into Trixie's hair caught on a curl and twisted it idly until it fell away.

Suddenly, Adore looked at Katya, face intense, with no young-love-giddiness left on it. "Then _hell yeah_ I'm jealous!" Trixie screamed laughing and Katya couldn't stop herself from giggling. Adore stared at her, pretending to be challenging.

Katya sat forwards and closed her laptop. "Alright," She said. When everyone was calm and at attention, Katya explained, "Adore Delano. As Miss Trixie's officially licensed, trademarked and patented work wife..."

Trixie was covering her mouth trying to hide her smile, and Adore couldn't conceal her amusement at all.

"I have reviewed your application for exclusive girlfriend whatever, and you have been...denied."

"No!" Trixie laughed, and Adore's jaw dropped open. She looked shocked between Trixie and Katya.

After a long moment, Katya did wink at Adore, as she re-opened her laptop. But mostly Katya sat and stewed in satisfaction from the tiny shred of control she'd exercised over that conversation.

Then Trixie said, "She's just mad because she's lonely," as she shifted closer to wrap her arms around Adore, and Katya's insides hollowed out. She managed to keep the smirk on her face, and turned up a middle finger just for Trixie. They hugged for a second, and Katya pretended to work.

Trixie announced dinner was ready. Katya made a dumb excuse and left them to enjoy being exclusive girlfriends on their own.

 

TWO DAYS LATER

 

 **Katya** : Welcome home. I want my cookies

 **Courtney** : And I wanna get over this jetlag

 **Katya** : Alcohol helps

 **Courtney** : Does it?

 **Katya** : No but I wanna get drunk

 **Courtney** : That seriously sounds so good right now

 **Katya** : Warehouse in an hour?

 **Courtney** : Make it half

 **Katya** : I like your style

 

When Katya arrived, late, she found a disheveled Australian and 6 boxes of Tim Tams all piled on one of the tables at Warehouse. Courtney looked exhausted when she stood up, and pulled Katya into a big, long hug.

“Good to see you Kats,” was mumbled into Katya's hair.

Katya breathed. “Hi. I missed you.”

“Missed you too.”

The restaurant was getting busy even though it was barely dinnertime, and a waitress excused herself to force them to break it up. Once they had settled into their chairs, Katya gushed, “How was Brizzy!”

Courtney was a light and this trip had turned her dimmer switch all the way up. She was shining brighter than Katya had ever seen before, even through the shade of her jet lag. “So lovely. We had a great time.”

Katya remembered. “Jake doesn't mind you ditching him so quick?” She sipped slowly at the water on the table as her friend talked.

“Ah, no,” Courtney promised. “Everyone, the whole family loved him. He loved the city. He fell right to sleep once we got home.”

Katya nodded. She repeated, “I missed you.”

Courtney considered that, smiling, and then a waitress was finding them. Katya ordered as much vodka as they would give her, and a burger. Courtney got a cocktail and fried avocado tacos, no cheese.

As the waitress left, Courtney folded her napkin, looking at Katya and then down and then up again. Katya worked on her water. She could practically hear Courtney thinking, and Katya was over that. “You got pictures?”

That pulled Courtney right out of whatever stupor she was speculating herself into. Obviously she had pictures, and they killed time fawning over landmarks and photobombs until their drinks arrived. A weird look from the server had them hastening to shovel the boxes of cookies into Katya's bag, which was nowhere near big enough. As Katya drank down a healthy swig of too-warm vodka, Courtney stared at her again. “So,” She started, and before Katya could breathe again, “Why’d you wanna get drunk?”

 _There it is_. Katya wasn't going to bullshit her friend, it was just a matter of buffering and timing then. She moved to pick up her vodka again but paused, hand straining around the glass. She stared at it for a second before committing to downing another sip. When Katya met Courtney's eyes again, the last of the alcohol making it down her throat, she said, “Trixie has a girlfriend.”

Courtney let her head fall forwards. She waited a second, and then looked up, saying, “Kats, you know—”

“I know.” Because Katya did know. Whatever Courtney was about to say, Katya had already told herself the same thing a hundred times. _I'm failing spectacularly at the whole getting-over-Trixie thing. I'm spending way too much time and emotional labour on Trixie to ever dream of loving her less. I'm the worst friend in the world._ “We can move on, now,” Katya mumbled.

Courtney still held sadness in her eyes. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Katya shook her head and took another sip. She knew this had been going on for way too long. As everything around and between them changed and evolved, Katya still _wanted_ Trixie. That was changing and evolving too. Katya hadn’t even known her when she’d told Ginger she liked Trixie, all those months ago. That vague, idealized crush had grown into a real longing to love, cherish, and provide for this amazing woman. The basic desire, however, seemed infinite and permanent: she wanted something Trixie could never give her. Katya always had, and maybe she always would.

Katya forced some fake enthusiasm onto her face. “How’s the family?”

Courtney chuckled low into her glass. “Now this is why _I_ want to get drunk.”

 

FOUR DAYS LATER

 

Trixie Mattel @TrixieMattel

Sometimes I worry I'm going to hell. Then I take katya tripod shopping and realize I'm already here

 

Katya @katya_zamo

Blah blah subtweet Trixie is a bitch


	17. 10%

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trixie rasped into the phone like she was trying not to scream, “ _We're famous, bitch!_ ”

ALMOST THREE WEEKS LATER

THREE MONTHS UNTIL VIDCON

 

Katya woke up that Monday morning thinking that UNHhhh was doing pretty well.

She had been thinking it for a while, both she and Trixie had. Once YouTube support had fixed the cosmetic issue with their channel, they'd watched the numbers steadily climb with every episode they posted, every day that passed between episodes. All the views, comments, and likes gave Katya the idea that people enjoyed their program.

And then Trixie called her.

Katya was getting dressed, hadn’t even bothered to look at her phone yet that morning, when it started to buzz. She leaned towards her bed to read the screen. She was confused to see Trixie’s name this early, and the half dozen unread texts, but Katya just shuffled over and answered it quickly. “Hello?”

“ _Katya! Oh my god oh my god, check the UNHhhh email._ Fuck. ”

“What?” Katya asked as she tried to pull on her pants with one hand. “Are you okay?”

“ _Oh m—just, can you, ugh_.”

Trixie’s one-track mind had managed to produce only a single coherent sentiment, so Katya decided to deal with that first. “Okay, I’m checking the email,” She said, sliding across her bedroom with her pants halfway up each leg.

“ _Yeah_ ,” Trixie encouraged as Katya brought her laptop back over to her bed. Struggling to keep the phone in place and sit and work her computer open, Trixie was just whining, “ _Oh my god_.”

Katya forced herself to breathe, in and out, as she navigated clumsily to the right email inbox. “Trixie…” She said randomly, and then she was finding the most recent message.

 ** _Talent acquisition - Michelle Visage, Producer Entertainment Group_**  
_from_ _bendela@producerentertainment.com_  
_to_ _unhhhh@gmail.com_  
_Hello,_  
_On behalf of Michelle Visage I would like to invite you to discuss potential representation by Producer Entertainment Group. Please contact the number below to schedule an appointment with Ms. Visage._  
_123-456-9876_  
_-Dela_

Katya whispered, “What…”

“ _Did you read it?!_ ”

“What is this?” She asked, only starting to process all these words, vague excitement building in her chest.

Trixie rasped into the phone like she was trying not to scream, “ _We're famous, bitch!_ ”

“I…” Katya stopped. That wasn't what this email meant, but, sure. She exhaled and felt herself smile. “Trixie.”

Trixie was laughing and saying, “ _Oh my god_.”

Katya read and reread the email. “Is this real?”

“ _Of course it's real!_ ” Trixie verged on shouting then. She scoffed to calm down. “ _Ugh. Okay, can you come over before work?_ ”

Katya pushed through her confusion at Trixie's question, still half-distracted by the official-looking email. “For an hour, maybe.”

“ _Yeah, the phone call will be, like, five minutes_.”

Katya balked a little at the prospect of making such an important phone call, but then warmed as she realized Trixie wanted them to do it together. “Oh. Yeah. Yeah, I'll be over by 10.”

“ _Yay, oh my god._ ”

Another smile spread on Katya's face. Trixie was excited. _Katya_ was excited. This was totally unexpected, even by Katya, but now it was opening door after door for them inside Katya's mind. She didn't want to freak out, but she was starting to feel a little invincible. “'Kay. I'll see you soon.”

“ _See ya. Bye_.”

“Bye.”

Katya spent the rest of her Monday _knowing_ that UNHhhh was doing pretty well.

 

“My face hurts,” Trixie said when she opened the door to her apartment just before 10am, smiling so big and bright, it _looked_ like it hurt. Katya couldn't stop herself from shaking and laughing a bit on the spot. Trixie entertained it for a second, bouncing along, before settling and touching Katya's arm quickly. “Come on.”

Trixie whirled around and half skipped, half slid into her apartment. Katya followed, breathing through her excitement. As Trixie settled into her chair, she clicked around on her phone with one hand, and brushed her hair back over her shoulder with the other. Katya dragged her bean bag up close.

“We are professional, businesswomen,” Trixie said, despite the fact that she was in her Aveda LA hoodie and Katya was in leggings. Katya did her best to sit up straight on her squishy chair. Trixie sighed down to her phone, and then looked at Katya. “This is crazy.”

“Yeah,” Katya confirmed, making Trixie break a little. Katya just wanted to do this, wanted to dive right in and impress Michelle and sign her life away.

Trixie was trying to steel herself. “I just,” She said, setting the phone flat on the arm of the chair, “We call, we talk, I…”

As she trailed off, Katya could see her uncertainty. “Whatever happens,” She said and paused. She had just wanted to give a quick reassurance, but now there were bigger, better words coming to her. “I love you, and this is so fun.”

And then Trixie was turning her big, shining eyes down at Katya, lips twitching up sweetly. “I love you too. And you know this means so much to me.”

Katya’s heart was pounding, as she forced herself to remember how Trixie saw all this, how she was talking about their platonic business arrangement. Katya ignored deep pangs of wanting to mean all that and way more to Trixie. She nodded at the phone.

Trixie shook out her arms and refocused. “Oh my god, okay,” She said, pressing the button hastily. Katya hadn’t expected her to just _go for it_ like that and her stomach lurched at the clack of Trixie’s nail on the screen, but then the ringing tone was playing and Katya forced everything else out of her mind.

They both stared at the phone, frozen, for three whole rings. A sickly chipper voice picked up. “ _You’ve got Dela at PEG_.”

“Hiii,” Trixie greeted, dragging out the vowel so Katya knew she was nervous.

Katya raised her eyebrows and mouthed, “ _Don’t fuck up_.”

Trixie swelled with unused energy as she continued, “This is Trixie Ma—uh, I’m calling for, uh, Michelle? Visage?” Katya was so so _so_ close to laughing out loud but she didn’t, just returned Trixie’s panicked excitement with little nods.

“ _Oookaaay,_ ” The woman on the phone sung, and the sound of her mouse wheel was reaching her microphone. “ _Talent acquisition email, mm hmm?_ ” She asked, probably rhetorically.

But Trixie knew the answer. She leaned forwards as she confirmed, “Yes.”

“ _Ooookaaaay. I have…Hm. Trixie and Katie-ah? I’m not sure what this says—_ ”

“Yes, Trixie and _Katya_ that’s us,” Trixie spat. Katya could only imagine this poor girl trying to figure out if the name of their channel was a keysmash or an HR violation.

“ _Oh! Lovely. How does 10am Friday do for ya?_ ”

At Trixie’s glance, Katya nodded quickly. “That’s great.”

“ _Okay! You’ll get an email with the details. Michelle is very excited about all the new talent. Anything else I can do for ya?_ ”

Trixie just stared down at Katya. Why wasn’t she saying anything? Katya gestured quickly at the phone. “Uh,” Trixie started, and as Katya nodded her along, “Let Michelle know, we are very excited for this opportunity.” Katya clutched her hands over her heart, miming deep affection.

“ _I’m sure you are_ ,” Dela said, voice still thick and sweet, Katya couldn’t tell if she was being sarcastic. “ _Have a lovely day now_.”

“Thank you!” Trixie said.

“ _Bye_.”

“Bye.” _Click._

Trixie let her mouth hang open as she turned to sit forwards on her chair. Katya stood, stretching her arms above her head, trying to work out some of the nerves.

“Oh my god,” Trixie was saying as she stood up, and then they were meeting in a tight hug. But then as soon as her arms were around Katya, Trixie let go. She gesticulated in the rapidly growing space between them. “This is so crazy.”

Katya planted her feet, not trusting herself not to go searching for her embrace again. “Yeah.” Katya was excited, this was exciting for them, and she just wanted to hug Trixie until she hugged the excitement right out of Katya.

Trixie was already wandering to the kitchen, calling, “Do you have time to stay for coffee?”

Checking her phone quickly for the time, Katya said, “Okay, yeah,” and kicked her bean bag chair towards the wall. Trixie busied herself in the kitchen. Katya sat down at the table, immediately diving into googling Michelle Visage and the management group. When Trixie carried over two steaming mugs, Katya said, “Thanks. Michelle is like, a real agent.”

“Really?” Trixie encouraged.

Katya nodded, and then shook her head at her phone. “Yeah,” She said. She brought her mug up and took a tiny sip.

Trixie was still buzzing a little. “Kim's gonna be so jealous,” She claimed, balancing her phone in one hand and the coffee in the other. Katya doubted that Kim would think twice about a meeting with a random agent, as their much more famous friend already had multiple sponsorships under her belt. Katya just kept reading as Trixie texted.

Michelle Visage was associated with a lot of people, people with names, careers, money. Thinking about meeting with a professional like that, it seemed weird that Trixie and Katya were coming from two squeaky chairs in a tiny apartment. “I don't get it,” Katya said.

Trixie was quick and emotionless to ask, “What?”

Katya rifled through all the thoughts in her brain to get to her real question. “Why us? Why…YouTubers?”

Now Trixie was judging her. “Does it matter?” She countered, pouring a long drink of coffee into her mouth.

“What are we gonna do?” Katya wondered aloud.

Trixie gave the answer she seemed to give a lot. “Whatever we want.”

That was great, Katya loved that answer—when it came to goofing off in their apartments. Katya thought this was different. Not that she wanted this to change how they made their content, but it was probably going to. Whatever was happening with Michelle and PEG, it was different on principle of involving all these other people, probably involving contracts and money and commitments. This was business. “I think we should have an idea, of what we want out of this,” Katya explained.

Trixie took a second to process that. “Yeah,” She conceded, slowly turning her cup in place on the table. “You're right.”

Katya didn't know what Trixie was thinking. She hoped she wasn't worrying about contracts or money or commitments. She had a singular, stupid thought in her brain, and she held it down for as long as she could before admitting, “I want t-shirts.”

“Oh my god,” Trixie reacted, steadily brightening. “With our faces on them?”

It really was a stupid thought. “I don't know,” Katya qualified.

”That's a good idea!” Trixie said.

The thought of physical artifacts with _their_ _faces_ on them was making Katya's head spin a little. The fact that Trixie thought that was a good idea was making her stomach flutter. Katya swallowed more coffee. “What do you want to do?”

Trixie seemed relaxed as she looked down at the table, but she didn't say anything for a long time. Just spun her cup and resisted looking at her phone. Katya supposed she should have seen this coming, asking Trixie to make a big, grand decision like that. “I dunno,” Trixie said eventually, proving Katya's point. But then she added, “I just wanna keep making UNHhhh.”

Katya tried to swallow the lump in her throat. “Think about it.” Her voice was quiet, and the coffee wasn't helping, but she still drank more.

Trixie's phone buzzed so they both looked at their respective screens. Katya scrolled through website titles, not actually reading them, but wondering what Adore was saying to Trixie about all this. Probably something _sooo cute_. Katya refreshed her email. Did Adore fear that some kind of deal with an entertainment group would take up as much of Trixie's time as Katya was hoping it would? Katya felt the caffeine make her chest start to buzz.

Trixie's phone got another notification, and she laughed softly at it.

Katya's stomach turned, but she quashed it easily. She knew things between Trixie and Adore were good, and she knew she had been doing a stellar job as a supportive friend. “What's Adore saying?” Katya asked shortly.

It took Katya a second to process that the emotion overwhelming Trixie's face was confusion. The question was confusing her. _What?_ Trixie glanced down at her phone, and Katya watched worry creep into her eyes. Her fingers danced aimlessly around the rim of her mug. Katya was waiting for Trixie to say something, but she wasn't and wasn't and still wasn't.

Katya said, “Sorry, I didn't—”

“Don't be sorry,” Trixie cut off, sitting up and looking anywhere but at Katya. “I just…I think I'm a bad girlfriend.”

Katya doubted that. “What?”

“I saw the email three hours ago,” Trixie explained. “It hasn't crossed my mind _once_ to tell Adore.”

Some dark feeling Katya didn't want to think too much about swirled in her stomach. She didn't trust herself to respond. What could she say? _I don't mind you focusing all your time and energy on me instead of Adore. You don't need her. This is about us._

That word, 'us’, replayed over and over in Katya's head as Trixie went on autopilot reading the thing that had made her laugh out loud: not anything from Adore, but some funny text from Kim. Katya smiled on cue, not really listening. _Is there an 'us’?_ Katya wondered. Sure, Trixie and Katya had been making videos together for a while. Trixie and Katya were friends. But were they that important to each other yet? Were they a package deal, a single unit?

Considering they were meeting with a talent agent together, the answer was probably _yes_.

But Katya was panicking as Trixie clicked quickly through her phone, coming up with words she didn't bother to think about: “Chill, nothing's for sure yet.” When Trixie paused to glance at her, Katya explained, “It's one meeting. Not a big deal.”

Trixie had to consider that for a second, shifting her phone in her hand. But then she softened and smiled a little. “Right, it's no big.”

“Yeah,” Katya said, and took a long sip from her coffee.

The Trixie she knew and loved was resurfacing. Trixie nodded, saying, “This is about—yeah, this about you and me.”

 _Us_ , Katya completed silently.

 

TWO DAYS LATER

 

Katya didn't have an off-switch when it came to Trixie.

She just didn't. Her piece-of-shit brain had been dreaming and wondering and setting itself up for disappointment for months, and it wasn't about to stop now. To be fair, Trixie didn't seem to have an _on_ -switch when it came to life beyond tomorrow's Instagram post.

For that Wednesday night, this meant that Katya was sprawled on the floor in Trixie's studio, watching Trixie throw on her date makeup, listening to her hum and haw over what to say at their meeting with Michelle. And Katya couldn't stop wishing Trixie was getting all dressed up for her, not some dumb concert with Adore.

“I don't know,” Trixie said for the 100th time that night. She looked over from her standalone vanity mirror and asked, “Can't you just do all the talking?”

Katya ignored the dull annoyance between her eyes. “You’re signing your life away too,” She countered. Trixie just returned to her blending, shifting in her UNHhhh chair, looking into the mirror set up where the camera usually was. Katya watched her, listening to the pop punk music Trixie was playing on her phone in preparation for the concert that night. It was some local band; Katya didn’t think they were very good. Trixie was sticking to white eyeshadow and almost-nude lips, an old, scratchy blouse unbuttoned over a pink tank top and jeans. She was going to look great for Adore. If Trixie asked, Katya would admit as much.

But she still felt sour inside. Katya still mulled over ideas of surprising Trixie at work and taking her on an adventure across town, or planning museum dates on bright weekend mornings, or whispering to her about dressing up for a fancy dinner. She couldn’t shake the feeling Trixie would like all that way more than three hours of sweaty crowds and ridiculous noise.

Slowly, lazily, Katya remembered why she was subjecting herself to being in that room at that time, and let her mind gradually move on. “How about, what _don't_ you want to do?”

“Hm?” Trixie reacted only with a sound, body frozen as she started on her eyeliner.

Katya pushed herself up to sit more normally against the wall, needing to feel more like a human and less like a heartsick rock. “We're in the meeting, and Michelle says there's no deal unless we, I don't know, write a book.”

Trixie glanced at her like she was crazy. “I don't think we have to worry about that,” She said, obviously finding the notion of YouTubers writing books preposterous.

But that wasn’t Katya’s point. “Would you do it?”

Trixie's hand moved evenly along her face, and her words were slightly garbled when she said, “What do you think?”

 _Would Trixie commit to something absolutely ridiculous and doomed to fail?_ “For the—”

“For the right price,” She confirmed, leaning back to check her eyes were even.

Katya couldn't be mad at that answer, but she wanted them to be on the same page. Katya figured she could leave it for a moment, if Trixie wanted to talk money. She picked up her phone and found the note she had compiled the other day. “Agents usually take ten percent. So we shouldn’t go above fifteen.”

Trixie was filling out an eyeliner wing, saying, “You mean seven.”

 _What?_ Nerves moved around in Katya's stomach and forced her to smile. _Is she kidding?_ Katya managed, “I don't think we have that kind of negotiating power.”

“Be confident! Come on,” Trixie encouraged.

“Is that what you'll say when Michelle asks you to tap dance?”

Trixie flipped her hair over her shoulder as she look at Katya, promising, “I can be anything.”

Katya had to smirk at that, had to appreciate her being silly and cute. Trixie fluffed her curls, turned her face to admire each side of her makeup in the mirror, and Katya wanted so badly to tell her to bail on Adore so they could go to a karaoke bar together.

She just didn’t know what to do with all her feelings. Her thoughts, plans, and ideas were useless if she couldn’t use them. Katya randomly announced things at any and all times, even lovey-dovey feelings like that when she’d had them, even when it was weird and early and ended up scaring the girl off. Which was probably part of the reason she hadn’t ever really dated anyone.

Katya knew bringing up matching tattoos in the middle of a one-night stand could ruin the magic. But saying nothing out of respect for Trixie’s decision to date another woman? Downright goddamned _horrible_. In that moment, Katya couldn’t imagine feeling worse than she did while idly watching Trixie throw herself into trying to impress someone else, with the stress of the Friday meeting bearing down on her. This was the worst night she’d ever spent at Trixie’s apartment.

 _How the hell did I get here?_ Katya thought, reeling at memories of the intense, overwhelming validation she used to get from Trixie’s offhand compliments and single emojis. Months ago, Trixie was perfect pink illusion on the other side of the glass. Now Katya was in Trixie's favourite place, sharing a casual moment with her, and she was absolutely unable to appreciate any of it because of the frustration and jealousy. Her brain said _If only…_ and Katya immediately tried to shut herself down. Whining over the past was worthless. Wondering how things would be different was pointless—like if Katya had told Trixie she liked her before they had started UNHhhh. Or called her drunk on New Year's Eve. Or doing Trixie's makeup, their faces so close, eyes gazing so softly into each other…  

Trash. Nothing. A waste of time.

“How do I look?” Trixie suddenly asked, pulling Katya out of her thoughts.

 _Supportive friend,_ Katya remembered. She forced her mouth to smile, hoping the emotion would follow, but it didn't. “Like you don't belong anywhere near a punk concert,” Katya joked, and it came completely from her brain instead of her happy, twisting heart like usual. Trixie screamed, laughing a few times as she turned to check her lipstick in the mirror again. Making Trixie laugh was usually a labour of love, a desperate expression of all the silent things inside her, but Katya just didn't care right then. The joke had been a knee-jerk reaction, and now, the sound of Trixie's voice, the sight of her smile…Katya just felt empty. She was over everything. She stood up, saying, “I should get going.”

“Okay,” Trixie said, but stared at Katya, following her as she crossed towards the door. “Are we good for Friday?”

 _I don't know_ . “Yeah, we'll figure it out,” Katya answered. She ducked out of the studio and quickly grabbed her backpack, shoving everything inside. Trixie hovered out behind her slowly. “I'll see you,” Katya wished as she headed for the door. _I should get In 'n Out for dinner._

“Come 'ere,” Trixie said behind her. Katya knew she would be waiting with her arms raised, ready for a hug, but she turned around anyways. Trixie did look good, like she didn't belong anywhere near a punk concert, too pink, too kind. Katya hugged her because refusing would prompt questions she did not want to answer. They released in sync, and then the worst night she ever spent at Trixie's was over.

 

TWO DAYS LATER

 

“I like you girls,” Michelle said, leaning back and skimming a stack of shuffling papers through cat-eye glasses. “I think you’re funny.”

When she looked over at Katya and Trixie, switching eye contact between them, Katya froze in place.

“I think you could be big stars.”

Katya snuck a quick glance over, hoping Trixie knew Michelle was actually saying she thought they could make her a lot of money. Trixie was keeping her cool pretty well; Katya was sure she wasn’t nearly as put-together herself. Katya quickly asked, “What do you mean?” And then realizing that made no sense, “Like, what do we…do?”

“Are you asking that because you’re YouTubers?” Michelle countered, and then let a small, terrifying smile onto her face. “Because I don’t just book gigs. I’m don’t herd divas. I, create, careers,” She said with such conviction Katya felt like this woman could never be wrong in her life.

“We want to do our web show,” Trixie said simply.

Michelle raised her eyebrows at that. She shuffled papers blindly as she leaned forwards, onto her desk. “Trixie, sweetie, you have a lot of subscribers. But UNHhhh is the only reason you’re here.”

Katya’s heart was pounding as Michelle checked something on a piece of paper.

“The numbers are ridiculous. You two? I’m going to make your show the biggest thing on YouTube.”

Katya was locked in, staring straight ahead, unsure if she could feel Trixie buzzing and shifting next to her or if that was only her own body. Katya’s brain was a broken record, asking _How? How? How?_

Michelle gesticulated as she explained, clawlike nails clacking against the plastic desk. “New studio, more staff, bump it up to once a week, or more. We do merch, we buy ads, we get sponsorships,” Michelle said, and it sounded like a perfect golden dream to Katya’s ears. “You get out there. Events, conventions, tours.”

“VidCon,” Katya added, finding Trixie’s excited face quickly, “We wanna do VidCon.”

Michelle made some face Katya couldn’t read. “Okay,” She said as confident as anything, and she clicked a pen and scribbled for a second. She glanced up, expectant.

 _What does that mean? Do we get to do VidCon?_ Katya wondered, but knew now was not the time. Her voice was small, suggesting, “T-shirts.”

“Such a diva,” Michelle breathed with a smirk on her face, but still wrote it down.

“No books,” Trixie asked, earning a weird look from Michelle, “Or dancing. Or singing.”

 _What the hell?_ Katya couldn’t help herself from gaping at Trixie, silently screaming _I was joking!_

“Yeah, this isn’t Disney channel,” Michelle promised, marking something on the paper, and Katya couldn’t imagine what. Maybe ‘Remember Trixie and Katya are both idiots’? Michelle gave them a sweet smile as she removed her glasses. “Look. Just know that I work based on the market. And right now, the market wants you two with weird hats photoshopped on your heads.”

 _And crowns_ , Katya thought, remembering when Trixie called her ‘the queen of Twitter’ in their latest episode about social media.

Michelle was moving on. “I’m gonna have Lee draw up a contract tonight.”

Katya shuddered at the mention of the legal side of things, but Trixie immediately said, “We’ll need some time with it before we sign anything.” Katya felt overwhelmingly thankful for her.

Michelle nodded. “Anything I should pass along now?”

Of course, Trixie had to turn it all right around and scare Katya half to death by asking, “What’s your rate?”

“Nonnegotiable.”

“You—” Trixie started, but stopped when Katya’s head snapped over with warnings written on her face. Katya watched the challenge melt out of her eyes, and then her lipstick move when she asked, “How much?”

Michelle sighed. “Ten percent.”

“That’s, that’s good.”

“Yeah. Okay.”

A smile showed up just behind Michelle's face, not quite making to her mouth or even her eyes, but Katya could see it. “Alright. Get outta here.”

“Thank you,” Katya said as she stood.

“Yes, thank you,” Trixie echoed, and then they were heading out of Michelle's huge office. Katya held her breath, focusing on operating her limbs correctly to open the door and step outside.

As soon as they were in the empty hallway, Trixie pulled Katya into her side, walking briskly with her arm linked around Katya's. Happy to let herself be pulled, Katya glanced up to see Trixie pressing her lips together. They shared a smile quickly. They moved with adrenaline and power, arm in arm. _This is happening. Good things are happening_ , Katya realized.

They walked together all the way down the hallway, out past Dela's desk where she wished them well, and then the elevator arrived quickly. They separated as they got in. As the doors closed, Katya leaned against the wall, and Trixie started to literally bounce around.

“Ohmygod,” She said, looking in the mirrored wall and feeling her pulse on her neck. It was so stupidly endearing; Katya wanted to roll her eyes and squeeze around her stomach, but she just held onto the metal bar and drummed her nails against it.

“No contract yet,” Katya reminded.

“Shut up, that went well,” Trixie said as she came over to corner Katya. She reached one hand towards Katya's, who let her take it, lift it, until Katya realized Trixie was getting her to spin under her arm. Katya spun in time with the vague elevator music, smiling as she completed the turn, and Trixie wrapped a quick hug around her. “Thanks.”

As they parted, Katya said, “Thanks yourself.” Katya let Trixie fix her hair in the mirror. The elevator was descending floor by floor, and Trixie was looking at herself, and Katya was looking at Trixie. Katya had to hold onto the fact that she could keep doing UNHhhh with her best friend. That was only one of many things Katya wanted for Trixie, wanted to do with her, but she _really_ needed to learn that the rest didn't matter.

But Katya didn't have an off-switch when it came to Trixie. Elevator playing softly, beeping quietly, Katya wondered how things would change if she told Trixie liked her today. What would happen to Adore, UNHhhh, this new contract? She wondered, _what would happen to us?_


	18. Barbara Mattelodchikova

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Come on. Where do you wanna be in five years?”  
> “Uh. Lying in bed, rewatching UNHhhh.”

A WEEK AND A HALF LATER

 

_“In L.A., everyone’s gorgeous,” Trixie explained, surrounded by faceless mannequins with blonde wigs._

_But Katya wasn’t sure. “I don’t, I disagree.”_

_“And I’m okay with that,” Trixie said, bringing it back to herself. “I’m okay with being a five surrounded by tens, because it keeps me humble.”_

_Trixie was sincere but Katya had a different perspective. She spoke up, jabbing her hand towards Trixie and saying, “But you’re—the thing is, in Los Angeles you’re a five surrounded by zeroes and tens, and negative fives and fifteens. Like, it—it’s—the good the bad and the ugly here.”_

_Trixie went along with it. “Am I Kate Beckinsale? No.” Trixie and Katya were transported to a photoshop alley as she continued, “Am I the homeless woman in the dumpster out back? No, I’m the five in the middle.”_

_It cut with an instant tone change, as a lighthearted piano track played behind Katya’s voice. “But you know what, though? You know what? It’s magic. It’s the most magical city in the world.”_

_“It’s_ beautiful _here,” Trixie whined._

_Katya was verging on hysterical. “Where do you think Harry Potter was made, motherfucker!”_

A loud cackle erupted near Katya’s head, making Katya jump—right up into two big arms wrapping around her neck from behind.

“Trixie!” Katya said. Her heart rate slowed from its startled haste and her whole body flushed a little as Trixie crowded into her space. Katya slapped the spacebar, making the first cut of UNHhhh episode 7 freeze on the computer screen.

“Hey! Is this the new UNHhhh?” Trixie asked, only pressing in closer on Katya's shoulders.

Katya tried not to shift around, and she shot a glance at their editors, Chris and Ron, looking at another computer on the other side of the basement office. “Yeah. You're supposed to watch it too,” Katya reminded, as Michelle had told them both three times already.

“Bring it back, then,” Trixie said. She let go of Katya and happily sank into the other chair. Katya fumbled with the mouse as Trixie scooted in closer and closer. Katya tried to give her more room, but Trixie kept wiggling up to Katya's side.

Katya measured her exhale and hit the keyboard again. She quickly tuned out the video she had already seen, the first draft of the first UNHhhh episode filmed in the new location and produced by their new editors. It looked great. The editing was great; just like it was when Trixie and Katya did it. They were supposed to give feedback so it would be perfect, but Katya couldn’t think of anything. She wasn't paying attention at all to the Photoshop objects and words flying around them on screen; all her attention was on Trixie's body breathing next to her, Trixie's soft laughs at every joke. Her nails picked at a chip in the table, and Katya tried not to look at her hand, tried not to yearn to hold it. She wanted to stroke each of her fingernails, kiss each of her knuckles, and—

 _God, I need to get laid,_ Katya decided, leaning back and training her eyes, unseeing, on the computer screen.

Trixie giggled deep in her throat and barely turned her head to look at Katya for a second. Katya smiled back. Watching Trixie watch their program, their produced, professional program that celebrated their talents and friendship, Katya let herself feel happy. It was all happening. Things were changing, and getting better, but staying the same too. UNHhhh looked the same, but it felt more expensive. Working every day with Trixie—it was easy and fun like always, but it was deeper, and more real. They were still holding onto their us-versus-them anxiety, trying to protect their program from Michelle's greedy hands, and they were only closer for it, even as they were coming to realize they could probably trust her. They were also getting physically closer, according to Trixie, who was taking it upon herself to hug Katya and link their arms together more often than ever. Katya didn't mind. It was them versus the world, and the world should know.

Katya watched herself on screen, grabbing Trixie’s arm and stamping her feet as she laughed. _The world already knows_.

It felt like nothing was different but everything was changing. It felt like they had been working with Chris and Ron for ages already. Katya felt like she was doing all the same things she loved, but it was leading to something bigger and brighter than ever before.

“This is great,” Trixie said.

Katya focused and realized the episode was over. “I know, right?”

Trixie turned and they both looked at the editors. “Great work boys!” Trixie called as Katya raised a thumbs up. Trixie’s head whipped around. She asked Katya, “Are we done for the day?”

Katya slumped and nodded. “I think so.” She glanced around, as if Michelle was about to march in and order them to tap dance.

Trixie leaned in with an intense smile, asking, “Wanna come over for dinner?”

Katya sighed a little, pretending to bargain with herself. “Well, we do have to send Michelle all our video analytics.”

“Perfect!” Trixie said, leaning in even closer.

Something was sticking in Katya’s brain, and she took a second to squint at Trixie. “Perfect?”

“Yeah. ‘Course.”

Katya leaned back. “I thought you always saw Adore on Wednesdays.”

There was an entire second before Trixie fell into nonchalance. “Oh yeah, we were doing that for a bit.” She pulled out her phone and scrolled quickly as she continued talking, and Katya wondered if it was so she didn’t have to look at her, if she was lying. “I saw her last week. Is curry alright?”

Katya made no sound but mouthed the words, “ _Last week_.” Trixie looked up at her, expectant. “Curry is great,” Katya confirmed.

“Yay!” Trixie quickly threw a hug around Katya’s shoulders, holding her fast. Katya smiled and patted her arm.

Trixie let go. Katya looked around, and then cleared her throat. She stood up, and she didn’t try to look at Chris and Ron, but it seemed like they were giving her a weird look. Katya poked the power button on the monitor and shuffled out of the room.

 

 _Analytics, analytics, analytics…_ Katya thought as she clicked around Trixie’s laptop on YouTube. She wasn’t into the numbers yet, but neither was Trixie, slaving away over a pot of vegetables and yellow-orange sauce. They could deal with that later, as Katya was thinking _Is that Bob the Vlogger?_ as she browsed through one of Trixie’s old playlists. She clicked on the video.

“ _Hey it’s Bob_.”

“What are you doing?” Trixie called from the kitchen, wooden spoon still buried deep in the pot.

“Nothing!” Katya returned from Trixie’s chair, but she heard the spoon clatter against the stove and Trixie start shuffling into the living room. Katya didn’t even bother trying to avoid her wrath.

“ _Get over here, Slo-Mo_ ,” Bob said, “ _My sister here is gonna help me answer your questions_.”

Trixie arrived next to the big plush chair, and Katya was prepared for her to snatch the laptop or slam it shut—but Trixie just pushed onto the arm, practically sitting on Katya too. She leaned in and said, “Aww, Slo-Mo!”

Katya watched as Bob and the person who had just joined her on camera burst into laughter within seconds. “Hm?” She didn’t know who _Slo-Mo_ was; she didn’t recognize Bob’s sister.

“Oh my god,” Trixie whined at the computer. “They never make videos together anymore. That's Monét X Change.”

Katya didn’t know the name. She did know that Monét, apparently, wasn’t moving in slow motion at all, as she and Bob fought over a deck of cue cards. “Why does she—”

“She call her Slo-Mo?” Trixie finished, sounding smug. If she wasn’t on top of Katya, leaning on Katya’s shoulder, Katya would have looked up to challenge her. Trixie explained happily, “They used to make dance videos and Monét would always be half a step behind in rehearsal. Like she was in slow motion.”

“Oh that’s cute!” Katya replied with the first impression that struck her.

“You’re cute,” Trixie said.

Katya felt Trixie’s arm fall around her body. She resisted the urge to look back up at her. She muttered, “Shut up.”

“Come here,” Trixie said anyways. She shifted down and held up her phone in front of Katya with the camera app open. On instinct, Katya tried to sit up straight and she gave the camera a sweet smile. Trixie clicked it a couple times.

Katya released her breath quietly as Trixie took the phone away. On screen, Bob and Monét were already talking about Rachel McAdams for some reason. Katya scrolled the page down, listening to Trixie’s nail clack all over her phone screen.

“Oh! Go find Kim’s new video,” Trixie said.

“Oh yeah.” Katya scrolled up and searched for Kim’s channel, and a video called “Melting Butter Makeup Tutorial!” was the first result.

Trixie instantly cackled. “Ha! Oh my god.”

Katya smiled as the video loaded, hearing Trixie probably typing out a read to Kim over text.

“ _Hi everyone!_ ” Kim greeted. She had vibrant yellow waves dripping down her face. “ _I’ve been trying out some different looks for VidCon, so I thought I would show you how to look exactly like warm, smooth, perfect melting butter._ ”

Katya mumbled, “She loves butter.”

“That’s, disgusting,” Trixie said, sounding totally thrilled. “Hey, do you wanna come see _Spring Breakers_ this weekend?”

Struck with confusion, Katya couldn’t help but try and look at Trixie, though she couldn’t see too much as they were sitting so close. Trixie lifted her arm to brush at Katya’s hair a little, pick at the white scrunchie holding up her ponytail. “I thought that was you and Adore’s thing.”

“No. No way, come with me,” Trixie pleaded.

Katya was sure Trixie had said she was seeing that with Adore, but whatever. She stared into the creamy pale foundation as Kim brushed it over her face and said, “I can’t.”

“What?” Trixie’s hand froze against Katya’s head.

Katya didn’t even know, she was just looking at her weekend as a black hole. “I have…Tatianna, Ginger, my parents. I have shit to do. I can’t, sorry.”

Trixie huffed a little and got up. “No one loves me,” She proclaimed, swishing back towards her pot of curry. “No one will ever love me as much as Kim loves butter.”

Trixie played the hurt victim well, but within seconds she was looking at Katya and they were laughing together across the apartment.

 

TWO DAYS LATER

 

**Kwestions for Katya - Episode 03 - Katya Zamolodchikova**

 

“Hi everyone!” Katya greeted, from in front of her living room blank white background. “I’m Katya and welcome to another video. There’s a lot going on, so I thought I would answer some of your questions. About, you know, life and stuff.

“ _How do midterm elections work?_ I don’t know.

“ _Can you do the splits on camera again?_ You’re all perverts,” Katya claimed, but she got up out of her chair. Poised behind it, staring at the stretch of space in front of the backdrop, she started to slide her foot forwards. Katya pretended to yawn and stretched her arms around as she sank to the ground in a perfect right split.

It cut to her getting settled again in her chair. “I learned that in the circus,” Katya said. She gave the camera a poignant smile.

“ _Are you going to make another video about trans issues?_ Yes! I promise, it will be here very very soon,” Katya pleaded with her hands clasped. “Remember to check out my sisters’ channels too, Tatianna, Gia, and Peppermint, links in description.

“ _Are you dating Trixie?_ Look, she'll never love me as much as Kim Chi loves butter, so what’s—what would be the point?”

 

TWO HOURS LATER

 

**Space Lesbian Makeup Tutorial**

 

“Hi guys,” Trixie greeted. Her curls were coiffed up huge and she was wearing a plain white shirt, to go with the spacey galaxy makeup on her face. Her eyelids wore celestial patterns of blue, purple, and pink, with sparkles and tiny white shapes to bring the stars to life. The giant black wings of her eyeliner cut across like a spaceship navigating the universe.

“All my friends abandoned me, so today we’re doing a fun, space-inspired look.”

Trixie posed for a couple seconds, fluffing her hair and showing off her face, as a song that sounded vaguely like the theme from _Star Trek_ played.

The video cut to Trixie barefaced, with a more lighthearted tune then. “So I have my favourite silver glitter,” She said, holding a little container in her palm so the camera focused on the clear casing. “I don’t know, it’s probably from the dollar store. And my favourite MAC eyeliners, black and white.”

Trixie tossed the two tiny tubes out of the way. Next she picked up a giant eyeshadow palette with a dozen vibrant colours, including 4 different pinks. “I bought this new palette because…I love myself as much as Kim Chi loves butter.” She stared at it lovingly. “Now we’re gonna start with…”

 

TWO WEEKS LATER

 

“Have you seen this?” Katya asked, bending down to touch Jake’s shoulder, standing right next to him as he sat on the ground next to Courtney. Keeping the vodka in her other hand upright was turning out to be a real Olympic sport. When Jake shook his head, Katya beamed and clapped his back before moving on. “You’re all in for a real treat!” She announced.

“Hey, do any of you have friends who are liars?” Trixie called back from the front of the room, where she was setting up _Contact_ on Katya’s laptop, with the coffee table pushed against the wall. “‘Cause I don’t think people should lie to their entire birthday party.”

Katya climbed over laughing people sat on pillows, over to her favourite blanket near the back. “She’s right. It’s not even my birthday, I’m immortal,” She claimed.

Katya halted when she noticed Adore sitting on the back of the couch, one foot in each of Farrah and Aja’s laps. Ginger had the last spot on the couch. Courtney was at her feet so Ginger could braid her hair, which was actually going to happen since Katya had already convinced them both to sit through the 1997 classic multiple times before. When Katya checked, there was still two empty pillows near the front.

“Hey Adore,” She said, grabbing Adore’s attention after a second of confusion, “There’s a spot by Trixie.”

“Yeah, I’ll move in a second,” Adore brushed off quickly, and then leaned down to look at Aja’s phone. Katya looked to see Trixie give a glance backwards, but she seemed just as chill about it.

Katya looked around ensuring everyone else was comfortable too, Tatianna, Alyssa, Chris, and Ron. She finally sat down. She tipped back some more vodka. Katya adjusted the skirt of her favourite black dress, and half her brain pondered about how utterly wonderful all her friends were, agreeing to partake in something as shitty as _Contact_ for her birthday.

When the movie started, Katya couldn’t pay attention. She just couldn’t. Trixie wasn’t really in her sightline, but kind of next to it, so it only made marginal sense that Katya’s eyes kept sliding over to look at her back. She was wearing this incredible dress with soft, hot pink fringe dripping off every inch of it, all the way down her arms but stopping just below her ass. With her hair straightened and reaching halfway down her torso, Trixie was covered in things Katya wanted to grab and hold onto forever. Trixie sat at the front alone, occasionally turning a bit to say something to Chris or Ron. Probably a dumb pun. They were chuckling a bit, so Katya knew she would be laughing way louder than was socially acceptable if she could hear her.

Katya was reeling at how much of the night had passed, how much of the new year had passed, how much of her life had passed, and then Adore was maneuvering awkwardly to go sit next to Trixie. Katya watched the movie, and reeled at how much of it had passed.

 

It was nearing midnight when Katya took a break from her party. _Contact_ had ended, and the discussion of its few highlights and many shortcomings had quickly morphed into a directionless debate of what they should put on next. Katya cracked open the window in the kitchen dragged a chair up to it. She sat back, sipped water, worked on a bag of chips, and let the vague breeze stave off her sweating just a little bit. Katya was alone, for a minute, and she enjoyed it. But she didn't protest when she realized Trixie was coming to join her.

Trixie's voice separated from the crowd, growing louder and clearer as she wandered into the kitchen: “Not _The Green Mile_!” Katya took a drink of her water, listening to Trixie grab a chair. It squeaked against the tile and Katya stared straight ahead. Trixie said, “Hey.”

Katya gave her a quick smile. “Hey.”

“This is a _great_ party,” Trixie insisted, reaching over to steal some of Katya's chips. Katya moved the bag closer to her. “You good?”

“Yeah,” Katya said. They could hear the party still going in the living room without them, maybe a little quieter now. “Are _you_ good?”

The confusion on her face betrayed that Trixie didn't know what she meant, didn't see how sequestering herself to Katya's side and stuffing salty crisps in her mouth warranted a second thought. “Huh?”

Katya checked behind herself for a second. “Are you ignoring Adore?” She asked, tipsy and forgetting all the times she'd kicked herself for saying dumb shit about Trixie's girlfriends.

“I was _just_ talking to her,” Trixie said.

Katya wore an expertly unimpressed look. "And now you're not," She said. Trixie blinked a couple times, and then looked away. Katya watched her realize she wasn't talking about just then, she was asking about their whole relationship.

Staring at the salt on her fingers, Trixie said, “I like her.” And then, “She’s not the one.”

Vague alarm bells and warnings rang in Katya's head at the idea that Trixie was searching for _the one_ . All she could think was, _What the fuck?_ Katya's friendship brain managed to formulate a relevant question: “Does she know that?”

It felt like a full phase of the moon passed in silence as Katya stared out the black window, counting the pulses of her own heart. Trixie finally muttered, “Yeah.” She sucked the crumbs off one of her fingers quickly before asking, “What about you, huh?”

Katya ignored all the weird, ecstatic, and tingly feelings inside herself, having a bullshit answer queued up constantly: “I’m just enjoying the ride, mama.”

Trixie considered that silently for a moment, long enough to make Katya worry she didn’t believe her. Katya’s hand was totally still holding the chip bag, until Trixie asked, “How’s the view up on your mountain?”

Katya's entire stomach flipped, brain screaming about _the one the one the one what the fuck? What the fuck?_ “We’re nowhere near the top,” Katya promised.

Trixie smiled over at her, and Katya couldn’t help but meet it. “Really?”

Katya wanted her thinking, wanted her talking. She wanted to see the gears turn behind her eyes and her lipstick smack and stretch. “What do you think?”

“I don’t…” Trixie said, trailing off, giving up on giving up.

Tipsy and happy, Katya said, “Come on. Where do you wanna be in five years?”

“Uh. Lying in bed, rewatching UNHhhh.”

 _Bitch_ . _Ass-kisser_ . “Five years, not five _minutes_.”

Trixie laughed, hard, and Katya silently cheered. Trixie was screaming and turning in her chair and ignoring her girlfriend. Katya idly thought about the peals of laughter reaching the rest of the party, and she didn't care what people would think about it. _It wasn't even that funny_ , Katya recognized, and then Trixie was calming down and saying, “Sorry, god.”

“Don’t apologize,” Katya offered instantly. She took a big sip of water. Then, she shivered and cursed, as the breeze rushed in and she remembered something. “Fuck.”

Trixie was confused. “Hm?”

“I have to call my parents back,” Katya said, remembering their voicemail from hours and hours ago. They had called to wish her С днём рожденья! and ask when she was going to visit again.

“Should I go?”

“No,” Katya assured. She wasn't going to call them back right then, in the middle of her party, and definitely not in the middle of talking to Trixie. Katya absentmindedly stuck her hand back into the bag of chips as the voicemail played and replayed in her head. Trixie also reached over for more chips. They sat quiet for a second, both eating, Katya remembering all the guilty reasons she was putting off returning her parents’ call.

It was going to take a miracle and a half to get to Boston any time soon. Michelle had secured their place at VidCon, with a panel and a meet and greet. (The day they had found that out had been long, loud, and surreal.) After that, it was looking like Michelle might take them on the road, book their entire summer full of meetings, bussing around the country, and a handful of gigs in bars and theatres, if they were lucky.

Katya couldn’t make any promises to her parents. So yeah, she was putting off returning their call.

“Hey,” Trixie said, and the guilt only flashed heavier inside Katya before petering out with the sound of Trixie’s sweet voice asking, “Are you enjoying your birthday?”

Katya looked over, and all she got from Trixie was sincerity. Her big blonde friend wanted to make sure one very simple thing was happening: Katya was having fun. Katya’s heart warmed. It felt so weird to say, “No, I’m not.”

Trixie instantly worried, pausing with a fingertip still in her mouth as she sucked the chip dust off it, and Katya looked away.

“You haven’t wished me a happy birthday,” She said towards the window, feeling the stupid smirk spreading on her face. _Stupid_.

Trixie laughed, loud and lovely. Katya looked into the bag of chips and shook the broken remnants at the bottom. It was a stupid joke, but it had worked, and Katya felt stupid but happy hearing Trixie’s hoarse laughter. Trixie quickly cut it off to say, “You look like you’re enjoying your birthday.”

Katya turned to face her, knowing a bright smile still held her red lips. “I’m not.”

Trixie teased, “I don’t kno-ow…”

“Wish me a happy birthday!” Katya insisted as she leaned towards Trixie. She chuckled at herself and Trixie pretending to analyze her. “Come on!”

Trixie was still looking, not letting up as Katya pleaded closer. Everything felt so close, warm, and nice. Trixie had such vibrant pink lips, and she was looking at Katya, and she was ignoring her girlfriend. Katya didn’t have an off switch. Her stomach swooped as she wished she could just close the gap right then, find the salt and the creamy lipstick with her tongue, give up on words altogether. Katya didn’t turn it off, didn’t even try…

But Katya didn’t move either. She knew she couldn’t. No matter who was ignoring who. Practically feeling how Trixie would smile against her mouth, Katya waited and let herself wish. That party was a testament to that fact that Katya had a great life, she was successful and and happy and loved…but even among a crowd of friends, she couldn't deny there was one thing missing. Katya wanted Trixie. She wanted to love her, know her, tell her everything and never let her go.

Trixie turned away, and Katya could hear her own heart beating. Katya was confused when Trixie lifted up her arm, until she scooched closer in her chair and wrapped it around Katya’s back. Katya froze a little at the touch. She forced herself to relax and stare out the window. She tried to move her body exactly how Trixie would expect when she leaned her head on Katya’s shoulder. Pressed blonde hair fell over Katya’s black tulle, and the chip bag crinkled as Katya tightened her hands around it. She closed her eyes for a second, and all she could feel was Trixie holding her, and she hated and loved it and wanted the feeling gone but immortalized. Katya wasn’t uncomfortable, though. This soft, casual touch was the biggest blessing Trixie could give her—even though she had left a sparkly pink bag somewhere in the apartment, directly violating Katya’s no-presents rule.

Katya opened her eyes, wanting to not be weird. She heard Trixie’s voice say, “Happy Birthday.” Her head and her arm started to move and Katya protested silently, already missing her. And then Trixie’s lips pressed against Katya’s cheek. And then Trixie wasn’t touching Katya at all. And then Trixie was gone.

 

Katya enjoyed the rest of her birthday. It didn’t go on much longer, as no one could agree on another movie. People talked as others filed out. Katya thanked everyone again and again, sending them off with hugs and promises of connecting again soon.

“I’m gonna go,” Trixie came up and said quietly, and Katya looked over to where Adore was sitting on the ground, talking to Ginger. Katya gave Trixie a questioning look. Trixie shrugged a little.

As Katya wrapped a hug around her, she ordered, “Treasure your woman.”

Trixie hummed a little into her hair. Katya closed her eyes, feeling the warmth, playing with the fringe a little bit. When Trixie stepped back, she looked at Katya mischievously. “Yes ma’am,” She said so low, and Katya enjoyed hearing it way too much.

Everything was heartfelt and rushed as the last few left. Katya refused clean-up help from everyone.

Finally, when her house was empty, Katya took a deep breath. Her brain was still a little fuzzy but she wasn’t totally out of energy. She put on loud electronica in Russian and started collecting empty glasses.

Half an hour later, Katya sat in the middle of her living room, feeling gross but satisfied as she was surrounded by a cleaner apartment. She had found her phone while tossing napkins into a garbage bag, so she checked it for the first time in hours, to find Trixie had just messaged her.

 **_Trixie_ ** _: Failed step 1 :/_

 **_Trixie_ ** _: [Image: Trixie’s long, thick legs mostly submerged in a purple bath. She was alone.]_

Something possessed Katya to reply.

 **_Katya_ ** _: Bad girl_

She went to take a shower. The water wouldn’t get hot enough. Everything was awkward and unsatisfying as she touched herself with her eyes pressed shut, desperately trying to think about anyone other than Trixie.

 

THREE DAYS LATER

 

“She _is_ going to die,” Katya said, trying to telekinetically force Trixie to click on the goddamned refrigerator.

“ _AH!_ ” Trixie screamed like she had just noticed the knife-and-fork icon flashing red in the corner of the screen. She reached the hand that wasn’t operating the mouse over to touch Katya’s shoulder, and Katya flinched away, pretending to be wounded. “Okay, I’m going,” Trixie said, paying no mind to Katya’s reaction.

But Katya saw Chris chuckling silently at her from behind the camera. She pressed her lips together and watched Trixie finally click on the Chillgood Fridge. On the screen, their Sim sauntered through her new house to go cook herself some eggs and toast. Katya internally hoped Barbara Mattelodchikova didn’t start a fire the first time she used the stove, which was a very real threat in The Sims 3.

“Oh wow,” Trixie narrated, watching the tiny cooking animations intently. Katya smiled, looking between Trixie, the screen, and Chris, trying not to laugh as Chris tried not to laugh back. When they had come up with the idea to do an episode of UNHhhh where they just played The Sims, Katya had thought it would make sense to let Trixie control the computer, since she hadn’t played before. Katya thought it was turning out well.

Watching Trixie direct Barbara through various tasks and chores, offering fun facts and stupid suggestions, Katya’s mind wandered to the familiar incredulity at _this_ being her day job. Once, it had been a dumb, distant dream, thinking about seeing Trixie all day, making her laugh, and watching her smile. And now, it was reality. Katya’s life was full of doing things she loved with people she loved. If she was late sometimes, it wasn’t because she didn’t want to be there; she was just a late person. If Katya really needed to get somewhere, she asked Trixie to remind her. Because she trusted Trixie.

Katya trusted Trixie a lot. They trusted each other. It was convenient, and amazing, and sometimes weirded other people out. There was never any question they worked amazingly together. No one wondered if they were friends beyond the studio. Trixie and Katya were closer than ever, right on each other’s wavelengths, spending way too much time together. There was the filming, the consulting with Chris and Ron, the meetings, and the shopping (when Katya asked if she could wear yoga pants to Michelle’s office). And it was all just fun, good, and easy.

“Well, this has been a great experience,” Trixie said.

Katya took the cue that Trixie thought they should wrap up, turning bright and proud towards her. “Yay! Did you have fun?”

“Uh, yeah,” Trixie said like it was obvious, as Barbara danced around next to her radio. “It’s just digital Barbies with less pink. That’s my review: not enough pink.”

Katya said, “I had fun. I think Barbara is a real swell gal.”

“I would buy a timeshare from her.”

They weren’t in the studio for much longer. Chris had a laundry list of plugs they needed in the outro. Their merch website was supposed to be up and running before this episode would be posted. Once they nailed that, they talked with their editors for a bit. Trixie and Katya had a meeting with Michelle later on, so they ducked out quickly to grab something to eat before they had to trudge up to their agent’s office.

“Hey, thanks for the present,” Katya said as they took the elevator up out of the basement.

Trixie lit up, swishing over next to her and promptly gathering up Katya's hands in her own. “Are you—oh.”

Katya's hands wriggled a little in Trixie's grip. Katya knew she was looking for the dainty black watch from the gift bag she had left at Katya’s house, but it wasn’t there. She felt her own face twist at Trixie’s pout, spitting out, “I was gonna wear it.” The watch had been accompanied by a pair of silver platform jellies, and a note challenging Katya to start being on time. “But I forgot ‘cause I was running late.”

“Ah!” Trixie scoffed, tossing Katya’s hands back at her, making Katya giggle. Trixie shook her head and pulled out her phone even though they were almost at the ground floor. “You’re…” She trailed off, and then huffed under her breath. The fake nail on her thumb clicked against the screen.

“I’ll wear it tomorrow, I promise,” Katya said, maybe leaning in a little closer. “The shoes too.” Her hand itched to retrieve her own phone as the elevator beeped.

Trixie rolled her eyes. Katya caught the sight of her lips pulling up into a smile before she clicked out of the elevator ahead of her.

 

ONE WEEK LATER

 

 **Trixie** : They're here!

 **Trixie** : Oh my god

 **Trixie** : [Image: A mirror selfie of Trixie wearing a black t-shirt with the words “Trixie & Katya” repeated 5 times on it.]

 **Trixie** : [Image: A mirror self of Trixie wearing a white t-shirt with a photoshop art version of a picture of Trixie and Katya's faces, and the UNHhhh logo.]

 **Trixie** : Where are you? I feel so cute

 **Katya** : Fu k

 **Katya** : I'm so FUCKING jaelous

 **Katya** : Holy shit class just ended

 **Trixie** : Get your ass home

 **Katya** : [Image: A blurry picture of a cardboard box waiting outside the door to Katya’s apartment.

 **Trixie** : Yes!!

 **Trixie** : We’re fucking famous

 **Katya** : [Image: A mirror selfie of Katya smiling sweetly, wearing the white t-shirt with their faces on it.]

 **Trixie** : Bitch!!!

 **Katya** : I’m dead

 **Katya** : This is my fucking facee

 **Trixie** : Is the link live yet?

 **Trixie** : Oh michelle just sent it

 

Katya @katya_zamo

If you’re wearing one of these at VidCon you can come to my house and do my dishes! tiny.url/UNHhhhMerch

[Image: The official promo image of the two Trixie and Katya t-shirts.]

 

Trixie Mattel @TrixieMattel

Want my face on your body? tiny.url/UNHhhhMerch

[Image: The official promo image of the two Trixie and Katya t-shirts.]

 

FOUR DAYS LATER

 

**UNHhhh Ep 12: “Pornographic Fan Fiction” w/ Trixie Mattel and Katya Zamolodchikova**

 

“Hi, I'm a bubblegum flavoured condom, Trixie Mattel!”

“And I'm a gag shaped like a dog bone, Katya!”

Katya smiled at Trixie as she said, “Welcome to…”

“ _Uuuunnhhhhh_ ,” They moaned, maybe going a little more overboard with the whining and the facial expressions than usual.

Trixie recovered to remind, “The show where we talk about whatever we want.”

“Because it’s our show.”

“And not yours,” Katya said, looking mischievous, as Trixie smiled awkwardly.

The video cut to them both acting remarkably chill, as Trixie explained, “Many people find us alluring. And many people find the idea of us _together_ …particularly enchanting.”

Katya said, “So we wanted to celebrate the wonderful art of fanfiction.” The screen flashed for just a second with a fake book cover, Trixie’s head photoshopped onto a young man’s body, and Katya’s on a teenaged girl, with the title, ‘Bought by Harry Styles?!?’

Back in her own clothes, Trixie asked, “Have you ever written fanfiction?”

“God no,” Katya answered instantly, leaning away and looking incredulous.

But her nervous smile showed itself when Trixie countered with, “Have you ever read fanfiction?”

“…I was fourteen years old when the first _Harry Potter_ movie was released,” Katya said.

“Oh my god.” Trixie was already giving up, smirking off to the side.

“Have you?” Katya asked.

Trixie promised, “I don't know how to read,” and Katya laughed for her.

When the video cut again, Trixie was leaning forward to click around a laptop that was set up in front of them, just out of the shot. She murmured, “I can’t believe I’m famous enough to search for this.”

Katya looked on, seeming apprehensive, and sounding it when she said, “I have some conditions.” Trixie didn't react at first, but grew increasingly concerned as Katya listed, “No watersports, no scatplay, no tentacles or anything.”

There was an incredible moment that lasted far too long, as Trixie stared at Katya, afraid to make any facial expression, and Katya beamed right back. After an astonishing amount of dead air, Trixie said, “Uh, it concerns me that you know enough to have these conditions.”

It cut to Trixie scrolling slowly on the computer, and Katya looking at something behind the camera. Trixie said, “You said no tentacles, right?”

Katya started. “You didn't—” She cut herself off to look at the screen, eyes wild and mouth hanging open.

“I'm kidding,” Trixie said with a smirk. She had no issue telling Katya, “There's no tentacles.”

“Why not?” Katya asked Trixie, before looking right into the camera. “Come on people—” But she stopped herself. Katya glanced around frantically. “Wait, they're actually going to take me seriously. Ron, cut that out!” Katya called.

The text “(hehe)” flashed at the bottom of the screen.

It cut to Trixie asking, “Who would you write fanfiction about? On YouTube—In the YouTube fandom?”

Katya didn't miss a beat, lighting up to say, “I would write a really wholesome, cute little thing, where you and Kim are childhood friends, and then you get locked in a boarding school and immediately get into watersports with no experience.”

“That's just my life,” Trixie claimed, talking over Katya as she lost her shit laughing. “You're gonna write my memoir? Locked in a boarding school with Kim Chi: The Trixie Mattel story.” Trixie screamed along as Katya squirmed around in her chair.

It cut to Trixie saying, “I would write, like, myself and Bob the Vlogger, on like, a tropical vacation.”

“That's called _self-insert_ ,” Katya provided confidently, “And you would be torn to shreds.”

Trixie gave her a look. “I'm a celebrity, I'm not inserting myself—”

”Inserting? No, you have people for that.”

Chris animated Trixie's shrieking laughter to shoot out of her mouth in a big solid 'AAHHHHHH!’

The video cut to Trixie hitting Katya's shoulder with the hand not on the computer and exclaiming, “Oh, this one sounds good.”

Katya leaned in to squint at the screen, and then they both sat up straight. “Okay,” Katya said.

“Do we act it out?” Trixie offered.

“No,” Katya answered, quick and firm. They adjusted in their seats a little. “I’m just gonna read it, I’m gonna read it, so… _Trixie drags her pink Gucci bag out of the passenger seat of her convertible and gets out_.”

Trixie was already smiling.

Katya was dramatic, almost Shakespearean as she read, “ _As she walks towards the studio, she tugs her stretchy white skirt down over her ass, but she knows people can still see her lacy pink panties. Trixie doesn't care about that kind of thing at work, because she’s a porn star._ ”

Trixie laughed as Katya’s mouth fell open, and she looked over.

“Are you a _porn star_?” Katya asked.

Trixie pointed excitedly at the screen. “We’re _both_ porn stars.”

Katya screamed and was out of her chair in a second, leaving Trixie screaming laughing as she ran around the studio.

It cut to Trixie reading, “‘ _Which hot guy am I working with today?’ Trixie asks the secretary. She replies, ‘Not a guy. A woman, Katya.’ Trixie can’t hide her surprise. She’s never even slept with a woman before, but today is the day she’s going to start._ ”

“Oh my god,” Katya interrupted, “I’m gonna turn you gay.”

Trixie cut off her laughs to earnestly ask, “Would you go gay for me?”

Katya shrugged. “Dozens of straight girls in the comments would, so why not?”

Trixie chuckled, and then lifted up air quotes to repeat, “‘Straight’.”

They both looked into the camera.


	19. Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katya laughed at that one too. She didn’t mind those kinds of comments anymore, where people talked about her and Trixie being in love or something. Apparently they had some kind of sexual tension that was as evident in Trixie as it was in Katya, so Katya was confident the fans were making it all up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains transphobic language.

THREE WEEKS LATER

TWO WEEKS UNTIL VIDCON

 

Katya remembered being an adventurous kid. To the dismay of her aging immigrant parents, their child would wander in public, explore unfamiliar places, and run wherever she could. Katya remembered when they had bought their second house in America, it had felt infinite. She had just run and run through the halls, climbed the stairs up and down, daring somebody to stop her. Katya had felt invincible and free—until she’d run into a sliding glass door.

She had never been hit so hard or so fast in her life. Her momentum and joy were gone in an instant, and then she was sprawled on the ground, wind knocked out of her lungs and agonizing heat building behind her nose. The little child had screamed and cried, marveling at how stupid she had been to not see the glass, and how quickly reality had changed.

As an adult, Katya was a little more cautious. She stayed out of restricted areas, made thoughtful decisions, and worried about things. She always looked where she was going… But maybe Katya wasn’t being as mindful as she could be of how her journey involved other people, or the fact that sometimes you don’t realize how much momentum you have until you run into a glass door.

 

_AJ commented “Katya's sentences are like Monty Python films: they make sense at first but just slowly descend into madness” on: UNHhhh Ep 13: “Health & Fitness” w/ Trixie Mattel and Katya Zamolodchikova. _

Katya laughed to herself, bringing her tea close to her face as she curled closed into the corner of the couch. Her laptop was perched on her knees and playing music by a Russian artist her parents had recommended. Hot June air with just the ghost of a breeze carried through the open window. Katya was enjoying the relaxed night in. With VidCon only weeks away, work had been full speed ahead with the meetings meetings meetings, planning, filming, yelling at Chris and Ron (just kidding), and meeting some more. Beyond the gig that rarely kept itself to 9-5, Katya’s time had been totally filled with indulging Trixie’s whims and jaunting around L.A., recounting their shenanigans at Courtney’s parties, showing up unannounced at Alyssa's studio so she could breathe for the first time in days, helping Ginger survive _Falsettos_ tech week, and posting educational videos as fast as Tatianna could write them.

A warm mug and dicking around on the internet for a couple hours seemed like a nice change of pace. Tame, for a Friday night, but Trixie was “hanging out” with Adore and everyone else was busy too, so Katya wouldn't have it any other way. She couldn’t really settle into it, continually distracted by her calendar or emails, but her mindset was easy as she kept switching back to scroll through YouTube notifications and comments.

_Mia Thermopolis commented “I want them to get married and be my moms” on: UNHhhh Ep 13: “Health & Fitness” w/ Trixie Mattel and Katya Zamolodchikova. _

Katya laughed at that one too. She didn’t mind those kinds of comments anymore, where people talked about her and Trixie being in love or something. Apparently they had some kind of sexual tension that was as evident in Trixie as it was in Katya, so Katya was confident the fans were making it all up. Trixie laughed good-naturedly at comments like that all the time, so Katya had started to as well.

Of course, they weren’t all like that.

_Landon commented “Get off youtube disgusting transgender. Never watching Unhh again bye” on: UNHhhh Ep 13: “Health & Fitness” w/ Trixie Mattel and Katya Zamolodchikova. _

Katya scrolled past it quickly, but she felt her face pinch, and uneasy feelings bloom quickly inside her. _Good riddance_ , She thought to herself as she scanned the comments below it. Katya scrolled and scanned, but she couldn’t really read anything else, the hateful words playing in her mind and nervous butterflies ruling in her stomach. _Let it go_. Finding stuff like that usually had no effect on Katya at all.

But her insides were still turning; something was nagging at the back of her mind. Katya squinted at the screen. She couldn’t read or didn’t want to read it, so her hand scrolled faster. Distress was spreading through her body and she was scrolling faster and faster. The ugly words were so loud and big inside her head. _Good riddance. Forget it_ , Katya tried to think. But she was scrolling and she couldn’t get away from it, from the comment, from all her nerves flaring up.

And then she ran into the glass door.

Katya was struck, flattened, smacked in the face with the fact that she was _scared_. Katya was terrified of the world she lived in, and the people in it, their words and their actions. There was no air in her lungs, just pain in her chest, her head. She couldn't scroll away from it. It hit her, and she was faced with a fear she had managed to avoid for so long.

Katya slammed her laptop shut.

Her body remembered she needed oxygen, and when she exhaled the breath she'd been holding, tears surged into her eyes.

 _Fuck_.

Katya was breathing and putting her laptop to the side and she was crying. She couldn't stop it, like she couldn't stop existing in a world that hated her. Katya rubbed her eyes. She knew it was smudging her eyeliner but she needed to do it, needed to feel it. Her breaths were ragged as her lungs were filling up with tears. She pulled her feet up onto the couch. Katya tried to hug herself, remember her body, contain it in a definite space. The fear was all around her. It was inside her; it was written on her heart and her hands. How could Katya touch the world she lived in when she was hardly welcome? How could she try to love and be loved, when she was sure to be betrayed and rejected?

 _I can’t do this_ , Katya was sure as she cried into her hands, thinking about YouTube and Trixie and VidCon. She shook her head. She tried to squeeze the void out of her chest, but hugging her knees in only made it hurt more. Katya was scared of the world. After months of work and anticipation, the concept of being accessible and looking strangers in the face terrified her beyond belief. Katya sobbed, and tried to breath, and wiped at her eyes so her fingers came away black. Her mind was swirling with thoughts of calling her parents and taking back everything nice she ever said about L.A., cursing Courtney out for ever suggesting she make a video, calling Michelle and quitting on the spot. _I don’t know what to do_ , She thought.

Katya’s hand shook as she reached for her phone. Her breaths were heaving quick as she tried to hold the tears in. Resisting the urge to roll off the couch and scream into the ground, Katya blinked through thick, wet lashes at the screen while she navigated. She shuddered an inhale as she brought the phone up to her ear.

It didn’t even ring once. “ _Katya?_ ” Trixie’s voice came through.

“I'm sorry. I'm really sorry,” Katya said, knowing she sounded ridiculous.

“ _What?_ ”

Listening to Trixie was already helping to calm Katya down. She was still congested as hell, but Katya managed a deep breath. “I was reading all the stupid fucking comments, and, and I didn't want to call Michelle.”

When Trixie sniffled on the other end of the line, when her voice shook saying, “ _Um_ ,” Katya froze. She was quiet long enough to hear her phone buzz three times in a row.

 **_Trixie_ ** _: Can i_

 **_Trixie_ ** _: Adore just broke up with me_

 **_Trixie_ ** _: Can I call you_

Katya’s head spun. Trixie must have texted her right as she’d picked up her phone. “Fuck, I just—”

“ _It's okay_ ,” Trixie was saying, even though it was obviously not okay. Katya could hear the tears in her voice too. Trixie asked, “ _What's wrong?_ ”

Katya’s heart thrummed at how vulnerable she sounded. The fear in her head was looming, but at least it was out of her face. She was focusing right in on Trixie, saying, “No, tell me about—”

“ _Katya_ .” Trixie was firm. Her words were solid, asking, “ _What's going on?_ ”

Katya took a second to try and actually beat back the panic and fear ruling her heart. “I, I don't think I can go to VidCon,” She said. Her other hand came up to hold the phone close to her face, and she she looked around the room as if she would find Trixie on the wall somewhere. Katya waited, breathing to stave off the hysteria. _Please please please don’t be mad_ , She hoped.

Trixie was perfectly silent on the other end for a long time. When she did speak, her voice was quiet and a little more gentle: “ _Why not?_ ”

Katya sniffed and wiped at her eyes again. “I’m… It doesn't make any sense, but,” She started off strong, objective, but as she continued, she started to remember her fear. “I was just reading the comments. I got…I, I feel so—”

“ _Hey, it's okay_ ,” Trixie cut Katya off when she started to lose it. Katya shut up, didn’t believe her, but kept listening. Trixie ordered, “ _Breathe, okay? Katya, listen to me. You don't have to go to VidCon if you don't feel safe._ ”

Katya could hear that, she could feel that. Tears pushed forwards again because she felt so scared, but also because of Trixie. She just _got_ what she was trying to say. Trixie knew her. “Mm hm,” Katya hummed.

“ _Are you home right now?_ ” Trixie asked.

Katya breathed out the answer automatically. “Yeah.”

“ _Can I come over?_ ”

Katya’s heart seized. She hadn’t expected that, though she probably she have. Katya was paused with her mouth waiting open for some words to say. _I feel like shit. I don’t know if I’m thinking straight. You just got broken up with._ Katya silently worried about what could happen if Trixie came over—and then got mad at herself for thinking something could happen. _Obviously not_ , Katya reminded herself, and then said, “Okay.”

“ _Good,_ ” Trixie said, “ _Okay. I'll be there soon, stay right there._ ”

Katya was reeling at how seriously Trixie was taking this. She replied whatever made it to her lips. “Okay.” This was serious, but Trixie didn’t have to do all this, talk to her, come over.

“ _Bye_.”

“Bye,” Katya echoed, feeling distinctly like there was something else she should say, but having no clear idea of what had just happened.

 

Fifteen minutes later, Trixie was sitting sideways on the other end of the couch. Katya felt spent and unseemly, face raw from rubbing off her smudged makeup, tears still lingering in her head and chest. She was wearing yoga pants while Trixie was tugging down the dress she had worn to work that day, bold camera makeup still mostly intact.

Katya picked her chin up off her knees and looked over. She started to ask, “Did Adore actually break up—”

“We are _not_ talking about Adore.” Trixie was unshakable and verging on incredulous. Her pale pink nails dug into the cheap leather of the black couch where she had one arm up on the back of it.

“It’s important,” Katya said, meaning it. She wanted to be a friend as much as she needed one right then.

“No it’s not. Really?” Trixie asked. She was done; Katya could see it on her face. Katya’s stomach swirled with nerves as Trixie said, “This is your life. Adore is…whatever. You need to feel safe, and comfortable.”

Katya had to do something, so she stood up, saying, “No.” She needed to get that stupid comment out of her head and be a good friend to Trixie, but Trixie wouldn’t _let_ her. “No,” Katya said. She pressed two fingers to the bridge of her nose, trying to reach the spot in the middle of her brain that was pounding.

“Yes,” Trixie said, making annoyance flash inside Katya. “Come on, I love you too much to—”

“You don’t love me,” Katya cut her off as she turned to look at Trixie. She couldn’t stop herself from saying, “You don’t love me like I love you.”

 _Fuck_.

Katya let both the panic and acceptance of what she’d just said wash over her, as she looked down, and crossed her arms over her chest. She felt the air pass in and out of her lungs. _Fuck fuck fuck_. Maybe she’d been right to worry about what would happen if Trixie came over. Katya found the shamelessness to glance up, and Trixie was frowning down as she picked at her nails. The way her brow was pulled together made Katya's stomach hurt. Trixie wasn’t saying anything.

Katya’s entire body creaked and protested with regret as she shuffled back over to the couch, and lowered to sit. She stared at the wall, and didn’t look at Trixie. Somehow Katya found the words, though it was like wading through molasses to say them: “I’m sorry. You’re a really good friend. Better than I deserve.” Katya waited with her jaw aching and head pounding. Her heart could barely stand the silence for the infinite second it lasted, but she was almost more afraid of what Trixie could say.

“That’s not true,” Trixie eventually spoke. “You deserve everything.”

Katya bit back the accusation that Trixie didn’t mean it. She didn’t know that, she didn’t know what Trixie thought. Katya just looked down, slotted her fingers together, and then broke them apart. The fear that Trixie could see the truth behind Katya’s “love” was so overwhelming and unquenchable, Katya was just starting to feel numb, suspended in limbo of waiting and worrying.

Trixie asked, “Can we talk about VidCon?”

With some shred of relief that they were back on topic, Katya picked her head up and dragged her hair out of her face.

“Are you…” Trixie started, and then gave up. “Like, what's that about?”

Katya could promise her, “I really want to go. I swear, I wish I could, but…” The words were still all over her mind, driving dark feelings deep into her body. “ _Ugh_ ,” She muttered, looking down, starting to push at her face and bangs, futile attempts to jostle any of the worries inside her.

She heard Trixie say, “Yeah.” Katya heard a shuffle as she rubbed her eyes again. The couch sank next to her, and then Trixie’s hand brushed her shoulder, started playing with one of her curls.

Katya ignored the tugging in her chest, just stared down and tried to explain, “I just realized that…I am scared something's going to happen, even though I know nothing will.”

Trixie just threaded her fingers in and out of Katya’s hair, silent for a second. Her voice was so much closer, quieter, and sweeter when she said, “I know I don't understand your life.” Katya appreciated that, because that was the last thing she expected of her. Trixie asked, “Is there anything, me or Michelle, or anyone could do to help you feel better?”

Even opening the mental door to anything involving the people on the other side of the screen instantly made Katya’s head spin and her stomach turn. _No no no_ , she knew right away. _Not about VidCon_. She held onto it, the paralyzing nervousness, just for a second. Katya felt so stupid and weak, saying, “I don't know. I can't think of anything.”

Trixie said, “Okay. Um.” When she paused, Katya risked glancing over. Trixie was so close and so pretty. Katya was struck as she watched Trixie’s lips move that even though she felt so disoriented by fear, this was the same gorgeous face that she sat next to all the time. Katya’s brain was sure this situation was life or death, but the person she associated with happiness and laughter was still there, sticking by her side.

Katya started when she realized Trixie’s lips had been moving because she’d been talking. “What?” She rushed to get out.

“I think the sooner Michelle knows, the better,” Trixie repeated, expression and voice holding even.

“Fuck, yeah,” Katya reacted, not sure how to even begin thinking about Michelle. Katya felt totally different from when she'd signed that contract in Michelle's office. She couldn’t remember the person who had sat in dozens of meetings talking about wanting to meet fans, telling dozens of people to their faces, Tweeting everyday. She didn't know the person who had promised thousands of her followers that she would see them all at VidCon. Katya said, “I can call her tomorrow, I just need—”

“I got it,” Trixie said, and when Katya looked, she already had her phone out.

Katya stared for a second as Trixie's thumb clicked around on the screen. She almost asked _Are you serious?_ But then Katya remembered this was Trixie. This was the girl who kept offering to drive Katya to work, insisted on picking up booze for Courtney’s dinner parties, made sure she had a great time when they went out to the bar, had made her a Halloween costume by hand, for fuck's sake. “Thank you,” Katya heard herself say, as she pulled out of the confusion. Trixie just gave her a quick smile as she put the ringing phone to her ear.

Katya breathed. She wiped at her eyes, and then wiped her black makeupy fingertips on her yoga pants. Trixie was standing up and walking around the apartment, talking louder and quieter, so Katya didn’t hear most of what she said to Michelle. Katya wasn't worrying about it; couldn't think about it. She trusted Trixie. Listening to her friend's hushed voice in the kitchen, Katya eyed the laptop on the coffee table. She knew the one specific comment wouldn't be on the screen anymore if she turned it on, but she still didn't really want to open it, and figured maybe she should stretch and get some fresh air before she braved the internet again. Maybe she should call Tatianna, while she’s at it, because she was just in the mood for an “I told you so” lecture.

“All good,” Trixie announced as she slid back into the living room.

Katya hugged her knees and blinked over at Trixie through damp eyelashes. “You told her I can't do VidCon?”

“Yeah. It's fine,” Trixie said, sitting down, returning her arm up onto the back of the couch.

Katya looked at her for a second. Her voice came out way quieter than she wanted it to when she asked, “Is it really?”

Trixie could only hold her gaze for a moment. “It will be by Monday,” She told the wall.

Trixie stuck around for a little bit longer, without actually doing anything else. Katya was tired. Trixie asked about the comment, Katya's feelings, if she was okay, if she needed anything, tea, water, and Katya couldn't answer more than a few words other than “Thank you” for each. Trixie didn't seem satisfied but had run out of things to ask. Katya brought up Adore, and Trixie begrudgingly told the very short story of how her girlfriend had asked to not be girlfriends anymore. Trixie didn't even speak when Katya asked if she was okay. Her face made it clear that she thought that was a stupid question. Katya didn't think it was stupid, didn't feel stupid, but she didn't want to tell Trixie how to deal with her breakup.

There wasn't much else to say after that, they both knew. After some time of silence, Katya caught Trixie looking at her, so she quickly wiped at her eyes again and sniffled. She felt like a mess.

After checking one more time that Katya really didn't need anything, Trixie asked if she should go, and Katya nodded. In the foyer, Trixie pulled her into a hug. Her arms wrapped around tighter than she had ever hugged Katya before, and she pressed her face down into her shoulder. Katya's surprise ebbed, and then flowed. She held Trixie's back gently. She felt her breathing, and mumbled another, “Thank you.” The surprise slowly grew inside her again, as Trixie didn't let go and didn't let go and just didn't let go, for what felt like hours, forever. Katya wanted to cry again. She squeezed Trixie a little tighter, and Trixie did the same. She kept holding her though, almost so hard that Katya couldn't breathe, and Katya's brain kept jumping all over from thinking about Trixie's perfume to laptops to Tatianna. It felt like the hug lasted another eternity.

Katya breathed and had to work really hard not to cry when Trixie finally let go. She knew it had been a bad idea to let her come over when she was so emotional. She managed a smile, managed to nod when Trixie quietly instructed, “Text me.”

Katya looked at her own feet and listened to herself breathe until she heard the front door shut.

 

ONE WEEK LATER

 

It wasn't a very productive week.

Between Chris coming down with a cold, Michelle and her assistant Ross constantly running around rearranging everything, Katya repeatedly leaving early to go meet with Tatianna, and Trixie silently mourning her relationship with Adore, no one had been able to do anything creative or useful. They sat in the studio watching Ron edit and re-edit the same bits just for something to do, talked about dumb ideas to distract themselves, and Tweeted every apology Michelle approved. Katya wanted to write essays about everything she was thinking and feeling, but Michelle and the 140 character limit originally said no. The fan response to the first vague apology was way bigger than Michelle expected, and she let Katya post a screenshot of something a little longer, explaining how the negative comments were making her “uncomfortable”, but she was going to be fine. Tatianna had helped her write it. It felt like Tatianna was helping her with everything that mattered, as she let Katya talk and talk through everything that scared her.

When Trixie had started to get short with her, Katya could see the emotions behind her eyes, and let her start driving her to work. Trixie beamed when she picked her up. The radio was always tuned to the pop music station Katya was partial to, and Trixie always asked how she was doing. Katya always took her time to answer honestly. She bought their morning coffees to pay Trixie back for the gas. The first day Katya got into the car wearing the watch Trixie had gotten her for her birthday, Trixie didn’t stop smiling the whole morning.

“Can we talk? When we get back to your place?” Trixie asked as they left work on the Thursday of that week. The windows were open as they coasted at a decent speed down the streets of West Hollywood, so the wind partially muddled her words when she said, “I want to talk about us.”

Katya's head snapped over. _Us?_ She stared at Trixie, her straightened blonde ponytail, simple and dark makeup rich with the deep blue of her button down shirt. Katya's hand slowly bunched in her sundress until Trixie glanced over at her, confused. Katya looked forwards, and then back. They took turns looking back and forth until Katya announced to the windshield, “Um. Yeah.”

The rest of the drive was quiet, but Katya's brain was loud, silently screaming about _us_ and _the one_ and a bunch of stupid things she didn't want to think about. She tried to focus on the world around her and translate the same road signs into Russian and back again, but her brain was stuck on that word, _us_.

_Is there an us?_

And then Katya was worrying, as Trixie drove steadily, about things that were platonic and professional and unspoken. She was overthinking every time she'd laughed at a comment about them being in love, every joke she'd made about Trixie's girlfriends, every wink and flirt and god, every touch. Every hug. Every look, too long or too close, enough to feel the air moving between them, the heat multiplying.

And then Katya was sure Trixie was done. She could see her apartment building and she just knew that Trixie was over her, wanted her out of her life forever. Maybe Trixie had picked up on the way Katya really felt about her, maybe not, but it didn't matter because this was the last time they were going to see each other and Katya couldn't breathe. Worrying about _us_ and _girlfriends_ and _thank you_ and trying to move air in and out of her lungs.

“Can we go up?” Trixie asked, as she pulled into a parking spot on the street.

Katya surprised herself at how chill she sounded when she said, “Yeah.”

As they went up, Katya felt intrusive every time she looked at Trixie, and unbearably sad every time she didn't. She hoped Trixie couldn't hear her ragged, forced and forgotten breaths. Her mind was swirling with wishes of things she wanted to say to Trixie, and words that refused to organize into sentences.

And then they were back on the couch, sitting facing forwards so they were staring at the wall. No more radio or rushing winds, just vague apartment building sounds and subtext. Katya fiddled with the hem of her dress. She waited for Trixie to talk.

“So, I just want to make sure,” Trixie said, “Are you feeling okay about everything?”

Katya's hands stopped, pressed against her legs. She nodded and then looked over. “Yeah,” She said, and it was true. Trixie was asking about VidCon and the comments and Michelle, and Katya had accepted all of it. She was officially not attending anymore. Their panel was cancelled and Trixie would do the meet and greet alone. It was hard to see all the disappointed fans, but the fear of the world and everyone in it was no longer waiting for Katya around every corner. She felt okay again.

“Good,” Trixie assured, and then her voice got quieter when she said, “I think we need to talk about everything else that's been going on.”

Katya wanted to scream and ask Trixie what the hell else had been going on, force her to say what she was thinking loud out, but she couldn't for her throat had gone dry and lungs devoid of air. She nodded and managed to swallow. “Yeah.”

Trixie's expression turned for the embarrassed and Katya had to turn away.

“Look,” Katya started, “I get it…if you don't want to do UNHhhh anymore, I know—”

“ _What?_ ” Trixie was loud interrupting. “No. No.”

Katya looked at her, face heavy with the knowledge that Trixie was lying. She knew she was done with her. When their eyes connected, Trixie waited a second in confusion before shifting down the couch, saying, “Hey, come on.”

Katya stared at her own hands. It hurt so much when when Trixie started to pet her curls, her shoulder, so soft and tingly. Katya wished she would yank her hair or pinch her skin. She wanted the tears she wanted to cry to be justified; she wanted the pain on the outside to match the pain inside her. It was all too much. Katya wanted to throw up. She pressed on her forehead, resisting the urge to wipe roughly at her whole face, having ruined her makeup midday too many times that week already.

“Why are you saying that?” Trixie asked gently, fingers brushing through Katya's hair. “You know I think you're smart, and funny, and _oh_ , my god, we work so well together.”

Katya was so gone, like she couldn't even hear Trixie's words. Her body was trying to react happily to the praise but it was muddled and lost among the panic.

Somehow, Trixie sounded different when she said, “And you're beautiful.” This was some other voice, some other side of Trixie saying, “You're kind, and sweet.”

Katya felt Trixie's hand settle fully on her shoulder, and _fuck_ she couldn't help it. Katya jerked away. Shifting just enough so Trixie wasn't touching her anymore, Katya shook her head at the ground. She hated that she'd had to do it. Her stomach was turning, but she might have actually lit on fire if Trixie's hand had stayed there any longer. She couldn't deal with that right then.

But Trixie kept talking, with her hands to herself. “Okay, um,” She said, and then hummed a sigh. Missing her touch, Katya want to throw her body onto her and never let go. Trixie said, “You're my closest friend. But I feel like, there’s so much more.”

Katya's body was going wild, simultaneously wanting to be nowhere near Trixie and holding her close as possible. She was racking her brain trying to figure out what Trixie was saying.

“I don't know shit about the future, but I…” When Trixie trailed off, a hand found its way back into Katya's hair. “I know I want to keep working with you. And hanging out together all the time.”

Katya shook her head, and had to look up at Trixie. She was sitting close but just looked at her own hand in Katya's hair. “No,” Katya heard herself say, though she still couldn't rationalize anything inside her head. _Why is she saying all this?_

“And, you know, I like you a lot—”

“No,” Katya said again. Her hands grabbed and fisted in the air, reaching for something around her she couldn't find.

Trixie took her hands. Katya was so confused, with words and hands and Trixie looking at her, looking at Trixie. “Katya,” Trixie said.

Katya shook her head. She wanted to speak, say no, ask what was going on, but she couldn't. Trixie was holding and pulling at her hands. Then she reached up slowly, and touched Katya's face.

Katya's brain was screaming, getting louder, until it had to shut down.

Her body was exploding and on fire, and then it all disappeared, so she could hardly feel anything.

Katya couldn't do anything except close her eyes and breathe.

“Katya,” Trixie said. Her fingers were moving against her face, her hands. Her knee pushed against Katya's. They were so close, skin and warmth, like Katya had imagined so many times before. Trixie was holding her and she was close and this was about _us._ Katya had only dreamed of being this close to Trixie and now it was happening.

“No,” Katya said. She didn't want to, but she did. She moved away, hating every muscle that flexed and extended, but she had to. Katya didn't have a choice. Her brain was running wild with alarm bells, and she needed to stand up, pace across the room, push all ten of her fingers into her hair. “No, no, no,” Katya reminded as she looked down and up and walked around aimlessly.

Trixie was just sitting silently on the couch.

“This isn't how it's supposed to happen,” Katya said, voice even, head shaking. She watched her shoes pad along the lines of the hardwood and hardly glanced at the couch.

But she could tell when Trixie raised one palm up and then let her hand fall to her lap. The sound made Katya pause and pay attention to Trixie saying, “How is it _supposed_ to happen?”

Katya barely processed how Trixie seemed pissed off. She rushed across the room and around the coffee table. Trixie was still pressing her eyebrows down into her nose as Katya sat down on the table in front of her. Katya’s emotions were high and her mind was running a mile-a-minute; Katya couldn't look at Trixie, just gestured around as the words came to her. “It's…after VidCon,” She started, trying to place that far-away feeling she thought she might find one day. Maybe that wasn’t quite it. “Or before filming a TV spot at the height of our careers. Or after some bad news, when we're washed out five years from now,” Katya said. “I sit you down and tell you what I should have told you a long time ago… And you don't feel the same way and it ruins everything.”

Katya hazarded a glance, just long enough to see Trixie looking skeptical. Trixie responded way too quickly, saying, “Five years? I've waited long enough—”

“You—you?” Katya interrupted, leaning back, trying to ground herself on the table because it felt like she was losing her mind. “ _You_ have waited—”

“Oh my god,” Trixie interrupted right back, and all at once she was rushing forwards to straddle Katya on the coffee table and kiss her.

Katya instantly forgot everything else. Trixie was _on her_ and _kissing her_ so Katya kissed her right back, strong and warm. Trixie's thighs were so heavy on Katya's lap, her hands so soft on her neck. Some part of Katya's brain was freaking out but she ignored it, and focused on the singular task of greeting Trixie's mouth with her own. _I can't believe this is happening_ , She managed to think. It was all she could do to just feel the back of Trixie's shirt in her hands, feel Trixie's lips caress her own. When Trixie pulled her face back just enough to break the kiss, it was all Katya could do to hold onto her shirt, keep her eyes pressed shut, and try not to cry.

Surely Trixie used her lowest, most intimate voice to mumble the question, “When do you fly home?”

Katya shivered at the ghost imprint of the words on her cheek. Her arms tightened slightly, and she said, “In like, twelve hours?”


	20. I Should Probably Stop Doing That

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Katya** : Actually can I call you?  
>  **Trixie** : Yeah everything okay?  
>  **Katya** : Yes  
>  **Katya** : Just be nice to hear your voice  
>  **Trixie** : That’s gay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am keeping track of the exact day numbers for these later chapters, and totally on accident, it ended up that the first kiss from last chapter happened on June 13th, which is my birthday. So happy birthday to me!

SIX MONTHS EARLIER

NEW YEAR’S EVE

 

Trixie didn’t hate Milwaukee. “I don’t hate Milwaukee,” She said, slumping down onto the ratty couch and immediately bringing her wine glass to her lips again. No matter what jokes her aunt made at dinner, Trixie knew there wasn’t a single bone in her body that hated Milwaukee.

“Yes, we do,” Farrah claimed, sprawled but still dainty in the big armchair across from Trixie. “That’s why we’re drinking in the attic. Instead of doing _anything else_. With our family.” She was a healthy amount of the way through her own fourth glass of wine. There was a half-full bottle on the tiny table between them. Trixie wanted to grab it, half to get it away from Farrah and half for herself, but it… It was just so far…

Trixie was looking at Instagram. She had opened it at some point, and she was scrolling through the app, sipping at her wine again. It felt like she couldn’t recognize anyone in any of the pictures she was seeing. “I wish Katya had Instagram,” She mumbled.

Farrah moved in her chair without actually going anywhere, face scrutinizing. “Fuck, Trixie, that’s like the bajillionth time you’ve mentioned her tonight.”

Trixie was struck with the feeling that she had just done something embarrassing, but she couldn’t entirely remember what. Her mouth said, “Shut up.” Trixie looked at her phone again. _I wish Katya had Instagram. Wait—_

“Do you like her?”

“No,” Trixie said. She was way too quick. She could already feel her face heating up.

Farrah laughed into her glass, even giving up on taking a sip. She stared at Trixie; Trixie felt stared at.

Gulping back more wine, Trixie muttered, “I'm just hormonal.” She clacked the nail of her pointer finger on the glass, soothing herself with the quick rhythm.

“So you only like her every 28 days?” Farrah asked.

Trixie huffed and tapped the glass louder. “Or it's a rebound thing, I don't know,” She claimed.

Farrah was losing it. She never showed so much shock on her face when she was sober. “Rebound! From who? Violet?”

If they had been a couple years younger, Trixie would have been at her throat, yelling and challenging her sister until she went crying to Mom. But Trixie was a little drunk and a lot drunk-tired, so she breathed through the _stupid little sister_ annoyance, and sipped her wine. Her one concession was shaking her head.

Farrah chuckled again, and it sounded like it came from the most entitled, evil part of herself. “You want her,” She said, like she was trying to convince Trixie.

Trixie glared back. “I _want_ to be her friend. I want to do a new series with her.” She definitely wouldn't have said that if she wasn't tipsy; she hadn't told anyone but Katya about the idea that wasn't an idea yet.

“Wow. Relationship goals,” Farrah drawled. “You’re actually stupid.”

“Oh my god, get out of my room,” Trixie spat, sitting up straight. Feeling her head swim from just that, she knew she couldn't get up to throw her sister down the stairs like she'd always wanted.

“This isn't your room! Anymore,” Farrah fixed. She tipped her wine glass between her smirking lips.

Trixie gave up, reaching and grabbing the wine bottle before slumping back down. She looked at Farrah through the clear and burgundy glass. She knew that probably neither of them would remember this conversation in the morning, or maybe she was just hoping they wouldn’t. She unlocked her phone.

The sound of rushed chanting and then a collective cheer traveled up from the rest of the party. Farrah raised her glass. “Happy New Year.”

Trixie tilted hers forwards a bit. She looked at her phone, and wondered if Katya was having a good night.

 

ONE MONTH LATER

 

 **_Farrah_ ** _: Katya tweeted about you_

 **_Farrah_ ** _: that means you hung out_

 **_Farrah_ ** _: did you tell her you like her yet? [sparkle emoji]_

 **_Trixie_ ** _: Will you stfu already_

 **_Farrah_ ** _: i know you think it's complicated but it's so simple_

 **_Trixie_ ** _: You don't know what you're talking about_

 **_Farrah_ ** _: i’m not a kid anymore_

 **_Farrah_ ** _: we're both adults_

 **_Farrah_ ** _: just be an adult. just tell her_

With the third buzz of her phone, Trixie let it clatter to the table and leaned her face down into her elbow. Sprawled out and groaning into her sleeve, she just wished it would all go away, that she could stop liking Katya and stop being bothered by Farrah about liking her.

“Um.”

Trixie sat up, panicking at the unfamiliar voice. “Uh,” She answered, and then forgot how to speak as she took in who had just wandered into the break room. A small girl with soft curly black hair was standing by the door, holding a box that looked completely too big for her—until Trixie saw her arms, her thick muscles straining against her uniform shirt and around the cardboard box. “Hi.”

The girl smiled just a bit. “Hi.”

“Sorry,” Trixie said, trying to remember if her manager had said anything about the new hires. “Do you need help with that?”

“No, no I got it,” She said, but she shifted the box in her arms a bit. “I just don't know where it goes. Do you know where receipt paper is usually kept?”

“Yeah!” Trixie offered. She leaned over the table and gestured, “On the shelf at the end of this hall.”

After glancing back to check, the girl nodded at Trixie. Then, she rushed forwards, set the box down on the table, and extended her hand out. “I'm Adore.”

Trixie shook it. “Nice to meet you. Trixie.” When Adore smiled at her, Trixie leaned in and said, “I'm so happy they finally hired a girl in the back. I hate asking boys to carry stuff for me, they _always_ think I'm flirting with them.”

Adore just laughed a little. She slid the box off the table and hoisted it up again. “Anyways. Thanks.”

“Yeah,” Trixie said. “Let me know if you need my help finding things.” She could feel herself leaning onto her arms, the smirk playing on her lips.

Adore turned around slowly. “Let me know if you need me to carry any boxes,” She echoed, and winked as she shuffled out of the break room.

Trixie stared at the empty ground. She looked around at the empty room. “Huh,” She hummed to herself, and picked up her phone again.

 

FIVE MONTHS LATER

 

“When do you fly home?”

“In like, twelve hours?”

 

ONE DAY LATER

ONE WEEK UNTIL VIDCON

 

Trixie didn't need much. When she asked to talk to Katya, she hadn't needed it to turn into some big romantic thing, a conversation that refused to end, or a kiss that lasted all night. She had hoped it wouldn't end badly, trying not to think about the consequences in that case, keeping in the back of her mind that a few days on opposite sides of the country might help smooth over any awkwardness between them.

Trixie had just needed to talk about it. And she’d done that. It had gone well, _really_ well, and the whole trip to Boston thing was going to be fine. Trixie was going to be just fine. She was sitting in L.A., alone, while the woman she had just kissed and hugged and confessed attraction to was on the other side of the country. Trixie was fine! Or she would be, if Katya would fucking text her back.

After the kiss, that kiss, the one that had made Trixie's cheeks burn and heart stop, she forced herself to leave pretty quickly. She had kept looking at Katya's bedroom—to imagine the empty suitcase sitting inside it. She’d almost missed her flight back to L.A. once, so the muscle memory of her panic eclipsed her desire to kiss Katya until the apocalypse, and she convinced herself to leave. Trixie had gotten her conversation, or just part of it. She’d gone home and failed to distract herself from thinking about that kiss by watching old Jasmine Masters videos. The next morning? Still thinking about the kiss. She'd gotten a 'landed safely!’ text early that morning, but after three messages asking how it was going, how she was, how were her parents, Katya still hadn't replied by the evening.

Trixie was glad Katya was home in Boston. She was. Michelle had insisted on the trip early and aggressively, until Katya admitted it would be a nice reset. With Trixie and everyone else around her preparing to meet fans and sell merchandise at VidCon, Katya could take some time to be with her family, and relax. Trixie was so supportive of Katya doing everything she could to feel safe…but she wanted to hear from her best friend.

She was sorting through clothes and starting to get seriously sick of reading Aja's complaints about the graduation gown colours when the notification came in. Trixie threw herself onto her bed and beamed at her phone as she read the new message.

 

 **Katya** : Hiii!!

 **Katya** : Sorry, I took a huge nap and then my parents took me out for dinner

 **Trixie** : Hi [sparkling heart emoji]

 **Katya** : I'm feeling really good

 **Katya** : My parents are so happy I'm here lol

 **Trixie** : That's great

 **Katya** : How are you?

 **Trixie** : I'm good

 **Katya** : That's good ))

 **Katya** : Do you have big plans for the weekend?

 **Trixie** : the calm before the storm...trying to decide what to wear to vidcon

 **Katya** : Lemme see

 **Trixie** : [Image: A soft pink shirt that Katya recognizes, and white shorts.]

 **Trixie** : [Image: The short, sleeveless dress Trixie wore in the first episode of UNHhhh.]

 **Katya** : first one

 **Katya** : Second is too sexy

 **Trixie** : Too sexy?!?

 **Katya** : You heard me

 **Trixie** : Okay

 **Trixie** : :)

 **Katya** : ;)

 

TWO DAYS LATER

 

“It's been too long, Trixie, seriously.”

Trixie couldn’t help it. At those words, her mind went to Katya. Katya, who Trixie had been trying to ignore her feelings for for months, who Trixie had been sure wanted someone nothing like her, who she had tried so hard not to make uncomfortable. Katya was the woman Trixie's heart had broken over so many times, who she had called Michelle three times last weekend to defend, who she'd needed to be honest with in the end. Katya was her best _best_ best friend. Trixie had kissed her best friend, and Katya liked her back. Trixie loved her. She missed her, had been fighting the longing to wrap Katya up in her arms forever ever since she'd remembered her flight. Three days later, it wasn't getting any easier. There wasn't even that much to “miss”, aside from her best friend and one kiss. Trixie felt like she seen just a flash of heaven before being locked in purgatory, alone, with nothing to do. That's why she had been so looking forward to her coffee date with—

 _Kim_ . Trixie started, immediately smiling at Kim across the tiny cafe table and confirming, “Yeah, it has.” _It has been too long_.

Kim’s sparkling studded nail clacked against her mug of hot chocolate. Trixie couldn’t even tell what colour they were in the dark corner they were hiding in. Kim squinted a little, and then asked, “Are you okay?”

Trixie felt her heart thud. _Am I acting weird?_ She had to be normal. “Yeah,” She said, exhaling slowly as she brought her cup up quickly.

After a second, Kim seemed to remember, “Oh right. How's Katya?”

“What?” Trixie asked straightaway, and then regretted it. _Smooth_.

“I can't keep up with her when she stops tweeting, _and_ you stop tweeting about her,” Kim explained.

 _I don’t tweet about her that much_ , Trixie thought, knowing she was lying to herself. “We're just not saying that much about it,” Trixie said, in one of those moments where she felt much more grown up and much smarter than usual. “But she's doing good. She's in Boston, with her family. There was just a lot of anxiety about VidCon, but now she's not going, she's doing better.” And then Trixie firmly closed the ‘Katya’ file in her brain. She didn't tell Kim about the kiss, because Kim didn't need to know that. Trixie hadn't even told Kim she liked Katya. Ever. She had been so unsure about what to do, the only person she told (before Katya) had been Farrah.

“That's good,” Kim assured, and Trixie remembered to appreciate she was actually asking.

“Um, anyways,” Trixie said. She was eager to do what she had gone there to do: get her mind _off_ Katya. “How are you? How's preparing for the beauty panel?” Kim was going to be battling for mic time against a few of the other top beauty gurus at VidCon the next week, Trixie knew that much.

“Ugh. Hell,” Kim complained. “The email chain is just Sasha and Michelle arguing about mirrors.”

Sasha  _Velour_ and Michelle  _Phan_ , Trixie filled in, and smiled as Kim really got into it.

 

TWO DAYS LATER

 

 **Katya** : Hi )))

 **Trixie** : Hey :)

 **Katya** : How’s work?

 **Trixie** : UGH

 **Trixie** : Apparently Ross is qualified to train me how to interact with fans

 **Katya** : Oh my god

 **Trixie** : He had a powerpoint and everything

 **Katya** : Poor guy

 **Trixie** : How are you?

 **Katya** : Good

 **Katya** : Kind of sick of this but whatever

 **Katya** : Actually can I call you?

 **Trixie** : Yeah everything okay?

 **Katya** : Yes

 **Katya** : Just be nice to hear your voice

 **Trixie** : That’s gay

 

TWO DAYS LATER

TWO DAYS UNTIL VIDCON

 

Trixie had never been recognized at the airport. She still wore a hoodie and sunglasses, and waited by the wall looking only between her phone and the arrivals board. Maybe she had never been recognized because she always wore a hoodie and sunglasses. Maybe her fans just didn’t want to deal with Farrah.

Farrah wasn’t slumping along behind Trixie that day. She turned closer to the wall, and threw a glance up at the screen—just in time to see the flight from Boston switch from ‘ON TIME’ to ‘ARRIVED’. Trixie’s heart jumped, even though she knew it would still be a while before anyone got off the plane. It seemed like everyone in the lobby was moving all of a sudden, and Trixie’s head snapped around searching for a couple seconds, until she forced herself to calm down. She clicked open her phone.

 **_Farrah_ ** _: hey i thought u were gonna call me last night [sparkles emoji]_

Trixie locked it again. She didn’t feel bad she had been putting off talking to her sister, or that Farrah had to read about everything happening with Katya on Twitter. Trixie was done running scared to explain things to her sister, never coming up with the right words. She was living in the moment. She was listening to herself, her body, Katya’s words; that was how she’d convinced herself to actually talk to Katya.

And now Katya was letting Trixie pick her up from the airport. She was letting Trixie compliment her, blow up her phone, and once, she let Trixie kiss her. The complain-to-Farrah, rinse, repeat routine didn’t do that. Trixie did.

Her chest thrummed as she looked across the sparse crowd. Trixie couldn’t stop herself from hovering towards the middle of the lobby. She looked around, knowing she wouldn’t find Katya, but memorizing all the faces she could find. She pulled her sunglasses off and stuck them in her purse. When Trixie spotted two young girls with their parents, she looked away quickly. Not that she was going to get recognized. She was just a little on edge.

And then: people. People were streaming into the lobby, tall and short, bright and miserable, carrying briefcases and dragging luggage. Trixie planted her feet and chewed on her lip as she searched, eyes flicking through faces. Faces with lots of makeup, no makeup, wrinkles, scars, hair. And then a face, painted smooth, with small dark eyes and fading red lips. Katya didn’t see Trixie, but Trixie saw Katya.

Trixie took a deep breath and hiked her big pink tote up higher on her shoulder. She kept her feet planted. Dozens of people were streaming all around and in front of Katya, and Trixie couldn’t see any of them. Katya was wearing her black sweater with the white patterns on it, and it looked like her hair was pulled back, probably in that white scrunchie she always had at work. Even if Katya didn’t throw a ponytail in once they were done filming, Katya would twist the scrunchie around and pick lint off it as Chris explained something both of them should know but neither would listen to, as Katya stared into the worn white fabric and Trixie watched her hands, examined her fingers.

Halfway across the airport, Katya smiled. Trixie smiled back. Katya looked good; she looked rested and healthy. She bounced along as quick as her little legs could bring her. Trixie’s heart was in her throat, and she could feel her feet, her body longing to move. When Katya got close enough that Trixie could see the gray of her eyes, she shuffled and then skipped forwards. Katya was beaming up at her and Trixie pulled her up into the tightest hug she could muster.

“Hi,” Trixie said, remembering how it felt to hold her small, tough body, and smell her shampoo and clean scent.

Katya spoke muffled, somewhere behind Trixie’s ear: “Hey. Thanks for picking me up.”

Everything was slow and surreal as Trixie let go. She couldn’t believe Katya was here, she was back, and they had _so much_ to talk about. Katya gave her a confused kind of smile, and Trixie realized her face was hurting.

Trixie tried to relax as she put herself between Katya and the single suitcase. She grabbed Katya’s hand just for a second to squeeze it. Trixie looped her arm up to hook her elbow around Katya’s, but as she took the suitcase handle, Katya turned towards her a little, and leaned her face on Trixie’s shoulder. Trixie matched Katya readjusting her arm until she was close and comfortable. Trixie’s chest ached, and watching Katya’s eyes shut and lips press together, her heart was a battleground of love, longing, relief, and desperate protectiveness. Her hand clenched around the handle. She was fighting the urge to touch Katya’s face and kiss her right there.

Katya blinked twice when she straightened up. “Um. It’s really good to see you.”

Trixie just nodded and felt her brow crinkle as she started to walk, bringing Katya alongside her, their arms locked in a death grip. She’d probably start crying if she tried to say anything. Trixie breathed as she strode slowly, until she found her voice to ask, “So how was the flight?”

 

Everything was remarkably relaxed and normal as they made their way to Katya's. Trixie asked about her parents and smiled over at her when the traffic forced them to a stop. It was so good to have Katya here, strong, skinny body back in her passenger seat. Trixie recounted the last, hectic week of work before VidCon, Ross's insults disguised as advice and Dela's spats with the merch company. Katya was listening, and she looked happy. Katya looked excited for her.

Of course, Trixie kind of hated VidCon. She couldn't believe how many nights she'd already spent staring at the ceiling and regretting pushing so hard for this specific opportunity. It wasn’t even the hugs or the long day or the bratty kids—it was just Katya. From the split second she realized VidCon was a problem for Katya, Trixie hated it. Katya wanted her to go, so she would, but every moment she was smiling and preparing, Trixie was wishing she was somewhere else, doing anything but that. Specifically with Katya, doing all kinds of fun things.

But Katya looked excited for her. Katya wanted her to go. So Trixie pretended she could forget the ugly vengeance she wanted to wreak on everyone who'd ever made Katya uncomfortable. When Trixie ran out of false enthusiasm, turning onto Katya's street, Katya invited her up for tea. Trixie accepted.

Katya laughed as Trixie hauled her suitcase into the elevator. Trixie pouted and wished she would kiss her, but Katya waited dutifully across the tiny metal room and hummed along with the music she had memorized. They climbed onto the couch with hot hot hot mugs of tea and Trixie felt so warm and lucky. Her heart sang silently, listening to Katya muse over her trip and her parents. It was a slow, heavy song, though, because they had _so much_ to talk about. It felt so vapid to smile through the herbal steam with months of unchecked emotions and unanswered questions. They couldn't talk about all of it, but Trixie could ask one thing, because it was topical: “Did you tell your parents about us?”

Katya's mouth dropped open for a second. She looked away. Trixie watched her try not to smile, watched her take a second like she had the last time Trixie had used that word _us_ like that. Katya shook her head.

Trixie nodded. “Yeah. Okay.” And then her face was flushing and she couldn't stop herself from saying, “I always thought I wasn’t your type, or whatever.” And then when Katya looked at her, blank, she asked, “When did that change?”

“Hmm. Mm mm,” Katya sounded, considering. “You first.”

Trixie quirked her head over. “What?”

“You go first,” Katya repeated, mug close to her mouth.

Trixie pushed her loose bangs out of her face and and turned away. “Uh, okay.” She wracked her brain, trying to rationalize anything that had happened since she'd known Katya. She remembered convincing and convincing herself that someone like Adore would be good for her. “Um. Adore was a mistake.”

Katya didn’t like that, trying to say, “Hey, it’s been a week—”

“I know,” Trixie said, fully cutting her off because she had been over Adore since before she’d met her. “Whatever. I definitely knew…after New Year’s.” As memories of her and Farrah drunk in her parents’ attic flashed behind her eyes, Katya just stared at Trixie like she could see the story behind that statement. She panicked in place and barreled on, “But after the whole Violet thing calmed down…I wasn’t sure. I thought I was just hormonal; I didn’t want it to be a rebound thing.”

Katya was stock-still. “After… _Violet_.”

Trixie's stomach turned. She wanted to burst out laughing as much as she wanted to cry. “Yeah. And then you did my makeup, and I was so awkward, I thought you were so mad at me.”

“I thought you were mad at me!” Katya exclaimed as she reached to set her mug on the table,  and Trixie could see her teeth and her smile, and it made her feel a little better.

But she didn't know what Katya was saying. “No,” was all Trixie could answer. Remembering that day was making her want to squirm around on the couch. She remembered vowing to herself to act perfectly platonic and polite, no matter what Katya's mystery video turned out to be. She remembered when Katya had said she wanted to do her makeup, how Trixie's brain had panicked and her crotch had warmed. She had felt so scared, when Katya started acting different, Trixie just _knew_ she had freaked her out. She wanted to bring it up or apologize but she hadn't known how, she'd just wanted Katya to _look_ at her—

“You were turned on,” Katya realized.

“You kept _pouting_ at me,” Trixie remembered, her big red lips teasing her just inches away.

And they were teasing her then too, smiling and hanging open as Katya processed what was apparently new information, eyebrows pressing into each other.

In a rare moment of self-awareness, Trixie knew she was interrupting Katya's thought process when she spat, “Okay your turn.”

Katya’s head lolled over, as she said, “Hmmph.”

“You’re pouting again,” Trixie offered, sipped her tea, and she managed to ignore it when Katya twitched her brow up almost imperceptibly.

Demanding attention then, Katya sighed. “I also knew after New Year’s,” She said, and Trixie felt herself turning confused as she ran through everything that had happened since then. Before she could ask, Katya continued, “But I knew before that. I knew…before the Christmas party. Before I did your makeup. Before Halloween.”

Trixie's heart grew heavier and heavier with every word. She couldn't even process it; this was eternities in the past, eons ago, and there was no way Katya could have been quiet about it if she felt even half of the shit Trixie felt for Katya. She almost dropped her cup, before managing to put it down safely.

But apparently Katya had been quiet before, and she was quiet then, looking down at the couch, and Trixie could see all the sincerity in her noncommittal shrug. Katya said, “I knew the first day I met you.”

Trixie's head was reeling. “What?”

”Well. In person,” She clarified.

Trixie had felt such a pure, sweet sisterhood with her friend from YouTube that day. Her throat was thick, saying, “Katya.” She needed to get to her. She needed to _reach_ her.

“I thought you—”

“I didn’t love you?” Trixie cut her off, unable to control the storming in her head, the runaway thousand-pound beating of her heart. “Like you love me?”

Katya wouldn't look at her, and Trixie _hated_ it.

“I love you,” Trixie said, “In every way possible, more than I have loved anyone else.” She could feel her love bubbling up, and spilling over, in words she'd held under her tongue for months: “You’re funny. You’re smart. You’re hot as fuck.”

Katya had the audacity to _roll her eyes._

“Katya.” It came out as a whimper, vulnerable and a little desperate, totally unhindered by conventions and embarrassment then. Katya finally met her eyes; it was like breaking outside to the beautiful grey spring sky. Trixie let her tongue just dip out, and then she toyed the inside of her lip through her teeth. It just felt right, staring across at Katya, with the heat swirling in her stomach. She wasn’t hiding anything anymore. She wanted Katya to know.

Katya looked like she was starting to realize what was happening when Trixie reached over to touch her face. Hand cradling her skin gently, Trixie shifted a little closer on the couch too. It was just like the day before Katya had left, when she had convinced herself to be honest, when she had touched Katya’s cheek—and experienced her world shattering when Katya had pulled away.

She wasn’t pulling away today.

Katya just waited, eyes still a little wide. Trixie let her thumb feel her soft skin so slowly as she leaned in. Eyes closing, she was braced for the universe to intervene, for the cruel cosmic fate to stop her lips midair as she moved towards Katya’s face.

But nothing stopped her. This was their fate. Now was the time.

Katya’s lips met Trixie’s in a strong kiss, as they greeted and wrapped around each other. Katya was warm and enthusiastic. Trixie kissed her and held her face, trying to get closer, feel her more. Their mouths twisted against each other so every inch of Trixie could meet every atom of Katya. Trixie pressed kiss after kiss on Katya’s lips. Katya met each one just out of sync, but with all the passion Trixie could ever hope for.

Trixie gasped for air, not daring to move away. She felt her hot breath exchange and mix with Katya’s. But as Trixie let her hand fall to hold Katya’s neck, she felt the smallest brush of Katya’s tongue find her bottom lip.

Trixie was on. She grabbed at Katya and pushed her tongue at her. Their mouths closed around each other, tongues slipping around, until they kissed again and met in wet, hot sweetness. Trixie couldn’t kiss her deep enough. She couldn’t be close enough, pressing her lips and tongue into Katya, and before she knew what she was doing, Trixie was sitting up on her knees and throwing one leg over Katya’s lap.

Trixie held fast to Katya’s neck and her hair. As she leveraged her height to lick at Katya’s perfect teeth from a new angle, she took the ten fingertips pressing into her hips and pulling her closer as a good sign. The strong push and soft caress of Katya’s lips was driving Trixie mad. She sucked at her lip as she settled down onto Katya’s lap, reaching one hand down to her hip and sliding it up—

“Trixie, woah,” Katya breathed.

The words and the fact that their mouths were no longer connected sent Trixie right back down to Earth. Her face was already pretty warm, but thinking about what had just happened made her blush even more. “Yeah, okay,” Trixie whispered. She shifted back on Katya’s legs.

Still holding her hips, Katya quickly said, “You can sleep over, if you want to.” Trixie thought she might have emphasized the word _sleep_ , as opposed to other things they could do, but she was probably just imagining it.

“Yes,” Trixie said quietly. She held the couch behind Katya’s head to push herself up and off her lap. Trixie curled sideways into the couch. Katya’s eyes followed her, and she knew her own might as well have been framed by hearts. Katya smiled a bit, and Trixie remembered what had just happened, and what she had done the last time she’d kissed Katya as well. “Sorry, I should probably stop doing that,” Trixie said, gesturing to where she had just been sitting. Her head shook a little.

“No that’s okay,” Katya’s quick voice assured.

Trixie smirked and pretended she didn’t notice Katya crossing her legs.

 

TWELVE HOURS LATER

ONE DAY UNTIL VIDCON

 

“I could come in for a bit,” Katya posed as she pulled off the highway, on their way to work the next morning.

Trixie checked—and she was serious. Trixie resisted the urge to reach over and play with her hair. “No, honey, you should go home. Call Ginger or someone,” She said. As much as her heart wanted to spend every second possible with Katya, Trixie knew she was supposed to be resting, far away from their hectic pre-VidCon work environment.

But Katya had already said she was sick of resting. “I can't. Ginger is in the middle of _Falsettos_ performances right now.”

It didn't absolve the bigger question, but Trixie was actually impressed with that excuse. “Oh yeah. Are you going to see that?”

“ _We_ are going to see it, next Saturday.”

Trixie's brain sorted back through all the random VidCon and tour information Michelle had been throwing at her until she remembered the relevant texts about the tickets. “Right!” Now she was excited; Trixie knew next to nothing about _Falsettos_ , but it sounded really good. Plus, her seat was next to Katya. “Okay. It's a date.”

“It wasn't a date,” Katya said so seriously, like she wanted to make sure Trixie knew she hadn't been trying to ask her out.

But things had changed since then. “Is it a date now?”

Trixie watched Katya drive, watched the gears turn inside her head for a minute as her red lips played around, smiling and opening. “I'll decide if I want to buy you dinner before.”

Expecting Katya’s usual quiet, decisive answer, her teasing tone surprised Trixie. Her heart fluttered at the idea of a really dinner date with Katya. “You'll decide?”

Katya was infinitely smug, saying, “Mm hm.”

“You wouldn't let me buy my own ticket,” Trixie reminded. It had always been date by her standards.

“It's fine,” Katya said, “My first merch check is in the mail, as we speak.”

Trixie wanted to smack her or kiss her or something. “Bitch, I'm getting the same check.”

“If I say it's a date, can I buy you dinner?”

Trixie wasn't expecting that. She stared ahead, counting the cars parked outside the PEG office, and trying to figure out if this was some kind of trap. Katya decelerated smoothly. Trixie tried to remember if she'd ever joked about buying her dinner before.

“I just want to check in with Michelle," Katya's voice started up again, as she stared intently at the office building. "I won't even—”

“No!” Trixie called. She leaned maybe a little too far over the center console, but Katya just laughed and pulled slowly into the driveway. Trixie couldn't hide her smile, but forced herself to look away. She gathered up her purse, and the car jerked a little as Katya put it into park, and then she felt Katya's lips press against her cheek.

Trixie's head snapped over. She was blushing. Katya looked pleased with herself, quietly wishing, “Have a great day, baby.”

Trixie wished it was any other time, any other place, anything other than having to leave Katya again and again and again. She knew she wouldn’t get to see her lovely face for days once she got out of that car. Trixie could feel every part of her, her entire soul, reaching for Katya, begging her body not to leave. It scared her a little.

Someone was honking on the street. Trixie took Katya’s face into her hand and kissed her hard. She clocked the smudge of pink on Katya’s previously bare mouth and held her breath as she pushed out of the car, and left.


	21. Crazy Fans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “They seriously think we're all fucking each other, I swear. Except Trixie and Katya actually are.”  
> Some part of Trixie's brain new that would be funny if it was a little more false, but even funnier if it was a little more true, and she found herself laughing.

ONE DAY LATER

THREE HOURS UNTIL VIDCON

 

“The meet and greet starts in like, three hours,” Trixie explained into the receiver with her phone pinched between her freshly curled hair and the shoulder of her favourite pink shirt. “But I'm going early.”

Katya's voice was still rough with sleep. It was early, and Trixie was pretty sure she was still in bed, muttering, “ _Trixie, chill_ . _You have so much time._ ”

“I know.” Trixie still flitted around her bedroom, tossing things in and out of her purse, and looking for her other pair of cute socks just in case she changed her mind about the ones she was wearing. When she caught a glimpse of her reflection in the bathroom mirror through the open door, she inspected her crown of pink flowers, trying not to touch them.

“ _You’re gonna do great, baby_ ,” Katya said. Trixie's laptop starting beeping where it sat open on her bed, and she kept pushing through the pile of clothes in the bottom of her closet. “ _They’re gonna love you._ ” The phone almost fell and Trixie sighed, squeezing it closer and hearing the _ding_ of her email again from across the room.

“I should check that,” She mumbled.

“ _Hm?_ ”

Trixie hauled herself out of her closet. “Just a sec,” She said, sinking onto her bed. Katya fell quiet as Trixie clicked on the latest message, from Michelle. She rescued the slipping phone with her hand, skimming the email quickly. “Wait…” Trixie herself say, and she took another second to force her eyes to move steadily from one word to the next. Her heart started to beat faster and faster as she strung a bunch of amazing words into one _incredible_ question. “Fuck. _Fuck. Oh my god_.”

“ _What?_ ”

“Wait,” Trixie said again, jolting off her bed.

“ _I am waiting_ ,” Katya reminded her.

Trixie brought her free hand up to her mouth and spun around in place. Her whole body buzzed with energy. Trixie's breath heaved out of her as she crashed back onto her bed, reading the message over one more time. “Oh my god. Okay.” Her flowers were pinned tight against her head, but she still brushed her fingers over the petals to check they were still there.

“ _Okay?_ ”

Trixie breathed twice quickly to calm herself down. “I wanna know what you think of this,” She said, spitting out the first thing that sounded even close to what she wanted. “I'm not going to do anything you're not totally happy with, okay?”

“ _Trixie, what…_ ” Katya started and trailed off. But then she just said, “ _Okay_.”

Trixie wished she could see her, that she had rushed over to her apartment or switched to a video call. It was too late then. “Bob the Vlogger wants to show solidarity and support for you. She wants to do the meet and greet with me.”

Katya took a second to think, and Trixie took a second to remind herself of all the things she didn't expect of her best friend, if she didn't want to. “ _Instead of me,_ ” Katya said.

Trixie did not expect her to agree to anything like that, like this. “Okay. I'm not doing it.”

“ _No, no, Trixie—_ ”

“I'm not replacing you,” Trixie said as firmly as possible.

“ _You're not! Please do it. Trixie, please_.”

Trixie was resolved. She pushed every thought of meeting _Bob the Vlogger_ out of her head and told the truth: “I don't want to.”

“ _Stop fucking lying. If you don't do this, I quit_.”

The hair on Trixie's arms stood up. She frowned at the wall. The phone was clutched close to her face, and her mouth was open, but she couldn't say anything, for the shock and upset holding her silent.

“ _I'm serious_ ,” Katya implored.

 _I guess I'm meeting Bob the_ Vlogger, Trixie realized, and get head started to swell with air and excitement. “Oh my god.”

“ _Are you okay?_ ”

Trixie was blowing way past okay. She was starting to bounce around on her bed, feeling it all coming up as she said, “Yes! I'm, I'm so excited, but please don't threaten to quit anymore.”

She could hear the smile in Katya's tired voice. “ _Just, shut up, bitch. Go meet your hero. I'm not going anywhere._ ”

And then Trixie was aching, her heart so happy at the prospect of Katya staying right by Trixie's side and Trixie staying right by Katya's too, she couldn't do anything but sigh. Bob's celebrity allure was on the backburner. Trixie was in the moment, savouring that promise, bringing it close so she could revel in how much she trusted it.

Katya cut through the silence with an urgency usually reserved for the end of their too-long lunch breaks. “ _Hello?!?_ ”

“I'm going,” Trixie said, not moving but deciding if she was going to try and remember what she'd been looking for. “I love you, I'll see you tomorrow. Bye.”

“ _Bye_.”

 

TWO HOURS LATER

 

Trixie knocked on the door on the second floor of the convention center, and just managed to swallow the majority of her nerves before it swung open.

“Hi, Trixie!” A bright, polished guy holding a comically large phone said on the other side. Trixie instantly tagged him as an assistant.

“Hi!”

“Come on in,” He said, shuffling to the side.

Trixie stepped into the room, quickly taking in the collection of circular tables and the box of coffee set up on one. A small team of people stood and sat around, all talking, and at the closest table sat Bob.

“Hey,” Bob the Vlogger said, short and casual. Trixie froze a little and then was practically skipping over to her, she was so excited. Bob looked great in a deep blue shirt and big yellow skirt with her hair pulled back. “Come here,” She said, and brought Trixie in for a hug. Trixie squeezed her just a little. The latent homosexual feelings she had for her original celebrity crush swirled up to hit Trixie hard in the face. Despite Katya, and this being their first meeting, and the fact that Bob was straight, her infatuation with her favourite vlogger was alive and well, apparently, and Trixie had to stifle her giggles and take deep breaths as they hugged.

“It's so nice to meet you,” Trixie promised as Bob pulled back from her, and she consciously brought her hands back close to her body.

“Hey, you too,” Bob said, eyes running over the crown of pink flowers as she sunk back down into the chair again. Trixie rushed to copy and her own chair screeched as she slid it closer. “Lemme be real. I don't know who you are.”

“That's fine,” Trixie insisted, and Bob laughed as the assistant pushed a bottle of water across the table towards her. _Holy shit_. She smiled at Bob.

Bob leaned in closer to explain, “No, no, okay, I didn't know who you were, until like, yesterday,” She said, and Trixie nodded along. “I was looking at all these Tweets about VidCon, and I kept seeing _Katya_ , like _why isn't Katya coming_. I was like, who is this Katya person?”

Trixie had been so proud to see so many of their fans making their support (and discontent) known, but her heart still ached a bit at the reminder of everything that was happening.

“So I found her Twitter and everything, and I…” Bob took a second and looked around. “It's unacceptable,” She decided. “YouTube is my job, it's Katya's job, and the internet is our office. That kind of behaviour should not be allowed in the space where people are living and working.”

Trixie nodded quickly. “That's a really good point.”

Bob shrugged. “It's really unfortunate that it came down to Katya not feeling comfortable participating in such a special event. So I just wanted to do what I could.”

“Of course,” Trixie said, “We both really appreciate it.”

Bob gave her a sincere smile. Someone was laughing loudly in the corner. Trixie wanted to reach out and touch Bob's hand or something, but she didn't. Bob looked around, maybe rolled her eyes, and then said, “Anyways. You two are _hilarious_.”

Trixie couldn't help it, she covered her mouth and giggled into her thumbs. “Thank you, so much,” She said, leaning back in towards Bob. “I can't believe you've watched our program.”

“It's a good show. You're smart. Your agent is smart,” Bob was saying, and it was so surreal to hear it coming out of her mouth.

“I…” Trixie trailed off, raising and dropping her hands, unable to hold eye contact with Bob for longer than a second. Nothing was really coherent in her head, even though she’d imagined she'd be spending the few precious hours before the meet and greet mentally preparing for the fans, she couldn't think clearly at all. Trixie stared at Bob and said, “I love you so much.”

Bob cackled. She called around, “Who let this crazy fan in here?” Trixie's mouth fell open and she felt herself blush as Bob quietly clarified, “Just kidding. How's Katya?”

The question caught Trixie off guard, and she stalled a little, processing and panicking. _This is fine, it's not a trap. How_ is _Katya?_ Trixie manufactured relaxation and said, “She's good. Taking it easy.” Bob nodded, totally serious, and listened like this was the most important thing in the world. That day, for them, it was. Trixie continued, “I think it's been hard on her; she really wanted to do this. But she puts on a really brave face. I just…” She took a second to swallow her worries. “I wish she didn't have to.”

“None of this should be happening,” Bob agreed. Trixie felt heard, seen, understood. She watched Bob half in awe for a second as she drummed her nails on the table, and then said, “You two are close.”

Trixie's heart thudded. “Oh, yeah, the only reason we make all these videos is because we have a lot of fun together,” She said, and then for good measure, “She's my best friend.”

Bob was looking at her, and she was still looking at her, and Trixie felt stared at. This was the firm, commanding side of Bob that came through as confidence and competence in her videos; this was the side Trixie had always imagined and been intimidated by. Bob stared at her with those scrutinizing eyes and hummed, “Mmm hm.” Her tone sent Trixie's stomach plummeting to her feet. Bob asked, “You're not...more than friends?”

Trixie want to cry _yes_ , she wanted to sob and scream and tell everyone who would listen, she was so confused but so in love with Katya. She was the luckiest person on the planet because Katya had blessed her with a kiss. But Trixie couldn't say that, Katya wouldn't want it, and she didn't want it either. Not there, then, with Bob, no.

“It was pretty easy to find,” Bob said. “It's all over all your videos.”

The shock holding Trixie hostage softened into perplexed panic. _Bob knows we're together. Bob found it._ Even though Trixie couldn't reconcile exactly what Bob could have _found_ , she just blinked at her, silent, freaking out.

And then Bob laughed. Loud, warm, and exactly like YouTube documented it. Trixie was brushed with the feeling that everything was going to be okay. Bob said, “It's cool, I get it. Every time I collab with a dude there are a _million_ comments asking if we're dating.”

Trixie wanted to smack herself. “Oh, the comments!” _Idiot. Obviously Bob is talking about fans shipping us._ She shifted closer and pushed her hair over her shoulder, briefly touching the flower by her temple. Trixie said, “Yeah, yeah.” She laughed a little and it tasted sour; it was probably out of relief more than anything. “The _fans_ are pretty creative.” Bob just looked at her again, brow pulled in, mouth sitting in an unsure smile. Trixie wracked her brain trying to remember if this expression had ever been documented on YouTube.

Another strong laugh came from the corner. Bob instantly fell into annoyance, and she shook her head a little before turning to yell towards the sound: “MONÉT!” Then she was matter-of-fact, even a little annoyed, promising Trixie, “You gotta meet my sister.”

“Uh,” Trixie heard herself say, watching someone mosey over to them. She had flawless brown skin. There was beads, barrettes, and string threaded into the braids cascading around her face, matching the bright colours of her kindergarten colourblock leather jacket. Trixie stood and leaned over the table to extend her hand, saying, “Hi, I'm Trixie.”

“Hey girl, Monét,” Monét answered, shaking her hand quickly.

Trixie's mind jogged and her mouth fell open. “Oh my god, Slo-Mo, right?”

Bob's laugh rang true and loud, filling the entire room, as Monét sputtered a little and slumped down into a chair. Trixie giggled at Bob as she sat back down. “I swear,” Monét said, “I'll never forgive you for that stupid nickname.”

As Bob was still preoccupied with her amusement, Trixie took the opportunity to say, “It's cute.”

Monét played with her braids and leaned onto the table. She looked surprised, saying, “Coming from the authority on cute herself.”

Trixie wrinkled her nose and giggled again, processing and reprocessing that this was _Bob and Monét_ _and they both know who I am._ As they both smiled at her, Trixie wondered for a second if they were actually sisters, even though she knew they weren't.

Bob said, “Ms. Mattel and I were just talking about how the Internet ships her and Katya.”

Trixie's heart skipped a beat, and she felt her smile turn hollow in her mouth. She was glad Bob was watching Monét click her tongue, throw her braids back over her shoulder. Trixie almost got a faceful of Monét's pointed golden nails as she explained, “They seriously think we're all fucking each other, I swear.” Monét shook her head and scoffed. “Except Trixie and Katya actually are.”

Some part of Trixie's brain new that would be funny if it was a little more false, but even funnier if it was a little more true, and she found herself laughing. She tried to feel as light and happy as Bob looked.

“Just kidding,” Monét saved. Trixie's stomach turned as she tried to search for any mischief in Monét's eyes. “Thanks for agreeing to this, by the way. Bob was so excited you said yes.”

Trixie was on edge, she couldn't handle anything else she considered a compliment, so she turned it right back onto Bob. “Of course! Thank you so much for offering. This is my dream come true.” _Is that too much? I think this is too much_ , Trixie worried. “Sorry, I'm just really—”

“No, please carry on,” Bob insisted, smirking between her and Monét, “I'm very humble.”

 

TWO HOURS LATER

 

Bob the Vlogger saved Trixie's life.

Not in the celebrity kinda way, where her content was the only thing that could make Trixie smile at one point in her life. (Well, maybe a little bit like that.)

But at VidCon that day Trixie realized, as a 12-year-old fan flipped through an entire folder of drawings of her and Katya hugging, dancing, and laughing, that she could _not_ do this alone. It all came rushing back, all the moments the art depicted, all the hugs she had cherished too much, all the pain of months whizzing by and then the slow, sad torture of the past couple weeks. It swirled around and mixed with the joy of receiving such a precious gift, the bittersweet love for her best friend, and the stale reminders that she needed to be professional. It was all compounding and rising to form tears behind her eyes; she was about to show the world just how terrible she would be without Katya—and then Bob's voice cut through it all.

“Thanks sweetie!”

The art was gone and the kid was gone. Trixie's loves and hates and tears were gone. She stood up straight and it was just Bob, handing off the folder to the assistant who said they would hold onto the gifts. Trixie needed to remember that; she had been doing this for an hour already.

Bob stepped back toward her. After a second of consideration, she instructed, “Deep breath.”

Trixie obeyed. She was thinking short, shallow thoughts about being thankful for Bob, but wouldn't let herself get emotional about it. Thankfully, they had been placed at a booth in a corner of the meeting hall, so Trixie and Bob couldn't be seen by the line of fans waiting to meet them, which they were told was very long.

Bob leaned out the other side of their rectangle of carpet and said, “Marie? Yeah, we just need a minute. Thanks.” Trixie hadn't known they were allowed to ask for a minute. The photographer gave them a look and then pulled out her phone. “Alright?” Bob asked.

Trixie breathed some more as she nodded. “Thanks,” She managed, knowing she had to say that much. Bob just waited, didn't stare, and Trixie could breathe and fix her flower crown in peace for a second.

Trixie didn't even realize right away that Bob was saving her life. In that moment of waiting Trixie just missed Katya, and her phone (so she could text Katya), standing in silence before confirming she was good to continue. They kept going, but every time Trixie looked too long at something a fan made, or came up empty answering their questions about Katya, Bob would swoop in, distract, or make them all laugh so Trixie could breathe. There was hundreds of fans, thousands of times Katya's name came up, and dozens of moments of real, emotional struggle, that Bob always successfully pulled her through. Trixie expected people to ask if she and Katya were dating, and they did, and she always felt as graceless as the first time that day when Bob had caught her off guard. She panicked and blanked on words every time, but Bob stayed calm, so that was a good sign. Trixie spit it out as soon as they were told they could break for lunch. “You're like, saving my life right now.”

Bob laughed. “I got you, Mattel.”

 

SEVERAL HOURS LATER

 

“Hi Trixie, hi Bob,” A wide-eyed teenager greeted, moving slowly but surely towards them.

“Hey,” Bob greeted.

“Hi, what’s your name?” Trixie asked, well into the rhythm of the meet and greet as they approached the end.

“Julia,” The girl said. She stared right at Trixie and asked, “Have you kissed Bob yet?”

Trixie froze. _Uuuuhhhhh what the fuck?_ Her brain was one big 404 Not Found Error. She had nothing, absolutely nothing to say to that; Trixie had no idea what was going on.

Bob was laughing and leaning on her. Trixie looked over. She said, “No, not yet,” and she chuckled back at Trixie.

The fan wasn’t done, apparently. “But when you tweeted about your ‘Transforming into my YouTube crushes’ video, you said you wanted to kiss Bob the Vlogger.”

Trixie was holding this girl’s wide gaze. She swallowed. She felt her face heat up as she said, “Yep. Yes I did.” Unable to stop herself from looking over at Bob, her stomach plummeted at Bob’s very excited expression.

“Oh,” She said.

“This was last year, you know,” Trixie explained. “Can I sign that?”

The fan handed over the notebook, and Bob’s gaze weighed a million pounds as she flicked her Sharpie over the paper, quickly dotting the two i’s with hearts. She heard Bob ask, “Having fun at VidCon so far?”

Bob chatted with the girl for a bit, and Trixie smiled and laughed along but didn’t really hear what they were saying. As soon as she left, Bob gave Trixie a look that made her want to get into a pink jeep and drive away forever.

“Fans, huh?” Trixie said, though that was the stupidest thing she could have come up with, surely.

Bob squinted a bit. “No, I think this one’s on you.”

Trixie was in hell, burning, and this was her punishment for always being so public with her celebrity crushes.

“C’mon Mattel, why haven’t we kissed yet?”

Trixie’s heart skipped a beat. She spat, “You tell me.”

Bob’s eyebrows perked up for a second—and they were both just _laughing_. Trixie’s chest heaved as Bob held her shoulder and they both just howled.

“ _AHHH!_ ” A high-pitched voice sounded, and Trixie realized the next fan was there. She struggled to catch her breath and shuffled over with Bob.

 

HALF AN HOUR LATER

 

Trixie and Bob couldn't see the line of their fans, but they could hear them sometimes. They could hear them a lot in that last few minutes, talking and complaining and maybe crying. Trixie guessed the security guards were cutting people off. She tried to focus on the people she was meeting.

But it had been a long day, and as much as her fans were probably tired from standing around, Trixie was tired from trying to connect with all of them in such a short amount of time. They had gotten the cue that this would be the last one. She could almost feel it, the cool relief of getting to sit down again, she could almost smell her car, almost taste the pint of ice cream she was saving for that night. Trixie couldn’t wait to get out of there and text Katya, but this last fan would not stop talking about all the YouTubers she wanted Bob to collab with. She stared at the photographer, jealous of how carefree she seemed, nails clacking away on her phone.

“It was great to meet you! Bye!” Bob wished.

“Bye!” Trixie copied, and waved the last fan off.

Before they could slump against the fake wall, someone with a walkie talkie was gesturing them out of the booth. Trixie focused on putting one foot in front of the other. They were led mostly through restricted areas, but if fans caught sight of her and waved, she waved back.

Trixie almost sighed when she saw the green room from that morning. The assistant let them in and then left, and no one else was there. Trixie groaned out loud. Bob laughed. They both grabbed waters and then sank loudly into chairs, throwing their feet up.

Trixie took little sips of her water, leaving her phone on the table as it booted back up. After crushing half her water bottle, Bob scrunched her face up, and then laughed at herself. Trixie smiled. Bob said, “How about that kiss?”

Trixie’s heart seized for a second.

“Just kidding.” Bob chuckled again and drank some more water.

One small part of Trixie’s mind wondered why she kept bringing it up if she was joking, but the rest of her brain was too tired to process anything.

“How about,” Bob started, and Trixie had no idea what was going on, no idea why she was still talking, but whatever. “If we're still doing this next year, you can have your kiss.”

Thoughts and visions came at Trixie faster and faster, considering that and everything and within seconds she couldn’t breathe. Trixie shook her head, and squeezed her water bottle. She noticed Bob giving her a weird look. “This is crazy,” Trixie muttered, forcing herself to inhale and exhale, “But I’m dating someone—”

“Is it Katya?” Bob’s even, instant voice asked.

Trixie couldn’t answer. Why couldn’t she answer? She was just staring, the _no_ stuck in her throat, the truth hidden somewhere far away.

Bob was sitting up, like analyzing Trixie was filling her energy right back up. “Are you serious? I’m serious.”

Trixie knew she was serious. Bob was always serious, except when she wasn’t. Trixie wished she could turn invisible, but just sighed and rolled her eyes a little.

“Ho-ly shit,” Bob pronounced, as a brilliant smile spread on her face. “Since when?”

 _I can’t give this bitch the satisfaction_ , Trixie knew, fighting off all the bright, happy feelings happening inside her because _Katya Katya Katya_.

“Cmon, I could make some real money out of this.”

Trixie doubted that. She threw a glance around the room, checking they were still alone, and then chided herself because of course they were still alone. Still, Trixie leaned in and hissed, “Like, last week.”

That got Bob, and she only grew more confused after the initial shock. She slowed shifted closer on her chair.

Trixie’s thoughts finally came together in some logical order. “Please don’t think I’m an idiot,” She pleaded. “But when you said you would kiss me in a year… I don’t even want it. I’m not gonna want it in a year, ‘cause we’ll probably still be together.” Trixie felt that more than anything. Looking into the future like this, all she saw, all she wanted was to be with Katya. It was overwhelming and true, living inside of her.

Bob’s bright eyes and soft smile betrayed that she was happy for her. Trixie wanted to hug her, but figured it might be too much. After a second, Bob found her joking spirit again and said, “Well if Katya's okay with it, you can have your kiss. If she's not around…”

Trixie didn’t consider it, but she kind of wanted to know what Bob was offering.

“I'll fuck your brains out.”

Trixie sputtered into laughter. Bob joined her, cackling and leaning in, and they filled the green room with wild, happy sounds.

 

 **Trixie** : I love you

 **Trixie** : I miss youu

 **Trixie** : Are you coming over tomorrow?

 **Katya** : Hey love you too

 **Katya** : Yes of course

 **Katya** : Unless you want me to come tonight?

 **Trixie** : My eyez are closinf

 **Katya** : Okay how was your day?

 **Trixie** : Sszzzz…

 **Katya** : Aww

 **Trixie** : Long. Sad. I miss you

 **Katya** : I'll see you soon


	22. Love Can Tell A Million Stories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Can’t platonic business partners take each other out for a nice, candlelit dinner?” As Katya smiled, Trixie locked her phone without looking at it and slipped it down into her purse. While nothing that was happening right then was platonic, everything was nice, everything was very much candlelit, and soon enough, there would be dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to my #1 fan, my sweet Natália. You mean everything to me darling and I wouldn't be here today without you.  
> Enjoy the show!

SEVERAL HOURS LATER

 

**Trixie** : Uh hey hi

**Bob** : good morning to you too

**Trixie** : Sorry I woke up panicked and i can't fall back asleep

**Bob** : bro

**Trixie** : I don't know if this is obvious

**Trixie** : Please don't tell anyone about me and katya

**Bob** : yes mattel i was born yesterday

**Trixie** : I had to make sure

**Bob** : your secret's safe with me dw

**Trixie** : With Vidcon and the cancellations and everything

**Bob** : everything

**Bob** : yeah

**Trixie** : Seriously no one can know

**Bob** : i promise i would never do that to you. you can trust me

**Trixie** : Okay

**Trixie** : Thank you lol

**Bob** : get some sleep

 

SEVERAL HOURS LATER

 

Trixie wasn’t usually the big spoon.

Despite her size, no one protested when she curled away from them in bed and waited to be hugged. Trixie usually wanted to be the little spoon, and she always got what she wanted. She was used to losing herself in the warmth radiating around her. She was used to words whispered in her ear and kissing the fingers of the girl she was with.

But that day, it felt so right to be the big spoon. Trixie hadn’t even thought about it, just shifted up to Katya’s back as she joined Trixie on her bed and held her. And held her. And held her. Trixie didn’t let go. Katya started Legally Blonde on her laptop, and she threw her leg over Katya’s hip and drew circles on her arm as they watched. It was just them, no fans, no Internet. Trixie felt almost completely safe and relaxed, except she was worrying about Katya feeling safe and relaxed. She hoped she was, and held her.

It looked, felt, and smelled so similar to the way things had been before. Fun colourful movies in Trixie’s fun colourful room. It was just a little different, holding Katya and breathing in her hair, in a way that was even better than their amazing friendship.

Trixie thought about their friendship, as Katya twirled their fingers together in the air. While Trixie had been waiting, pretending she didn’t admire every last inch of Katya, she had worried that if anything changed, everything would. They could lose all the amazing months of laughter, tears, and love. Their friendship had been a labour of time and trust—but never once had it felt like work. Trixie and Katya had built something really special between themselves, that went beyond helping each other, beyond friendship, beyond working together.

As Katya clasped Trixie’s hand between both of her own, Trixie realized they hadn’t lost anything. They hadn’t grown as friends instead of as lovers, they had grown as friends so they could be lovers, one day, when the time was right. Every day, every laugh, everything had been building and creating this amazing relationship Trixie hand longed for for months. Now she had it. It was real. They had been meant to do everything together exactly as they had, and that day they were meant to be doing exactly what they were doing, relaxing all wrapped up in each others arms, alone, safe from the world outside.

When the movie was over, Katya rolled over to face Trixie. She looked at her for a second, as Trixie's heartbeat sped up and then slowed down. Katya said, “Tell me about yesterday.”

Trixie paused. She wasn't sure if Katya thought she had to ask that. “It's okay,” Trixie said, barely hearing herself.

But Katya shook her head a bit and shifted closer, wrapping Trixie's hands and feet up in her own. “I want to hear about it,” She promised, with big gray eyes open and sincere.

Trixie relaxed into the bed, relaxed into Katya's grip on her. She felt herself smile. Trixie sighed. “It was really fun,” She said, and Katya's face split with a perfect bright smile. Trixie's heart was soaring, growing, rejoicing with all the excitement she hadn’t even let herself feel as it had happened. “We have amazing fans.”

Katya nodded and hummed along.

“So many gifts,” Trixie explained. “You'll see them all on Monday. They were all so cute, and so nice.”

Trixie knew Katya knew that.

“Uh, people asked about _us_ a lot.”

Katya laughed, low and easy, making tension migrate from Trixie's chest to her stomach. She skimmed her fingertips over Trixie's arm. Trixie tingled all over. Katya nodded a little, and then said, “What did you tell them?”

Trixie's breath wouldn't move in her throat, and then she sighed again. “I wanted to tell them the truth,” She said, and suddenly need to look at the bed between them. “But I didn't.”

“Mm hm. Hey,” Katya muttered, and then Trixie felt her finger find her chin. She looked up, and Katya didn't waste a second bringing their mouths together. It took Trixie a second, but then she kissed back against Katya's soft lips. Her body instantly forgot all the the embarrassment and stress. The whole world was still and quiet, empty but for the warmth between their touches at that moment. Trixie kissed her again. Katya's hand slid up to hold her face close.

When Trixie pressed her lips forward a third time, Katya responded with three times more enthusiasm, turning and pushing against her. Trixie was just overwhelmed and overwhelmed with the feeling of finally satisfying her deepest, hottest longing, she couldn't stop herself from humming into the kiss, just quiet and short, but there.

Katya heard her, and pushed up quickly until she was leaning over Trixie, kissing down hard and fast. Trixie reached for her and grabbed her shirt, trying to communicate that she wanted Katya to stay right there for a million years, so they could kiss just like this, strong and hot and right. Katya’s tongue tasted like every dream Trixie had ever had. She was lost in the sweet and soft caress of Katya's lips on hers. Trixie pulled a little more, and kissed a little harder, and Katya shifted closer, higher overtop of her.

Confusion quickly followed the disgusting suction noise that occurred, Trixie realized after a second, when Katya had disconnected their faces. “Um,” Katya said, still leaning halfway over her, hand still half attached to Trixie's face.

Trixie smiled up at her.

“Sorry,” Katya said. She flopped onto her back next to Trixie.

“Don't be sorry,” Trixie assured, staring at the ceiling. _Breathe. Breathe._ She was trying to think about what they'd been talking about before, and avoid thinking about how hot that was.

“Anyways,” Katya said and cleared her throat, rolling over slightly. Trixie reached down and grabbed her hand. Katya's eyebrows twitched up, and then she said, “So you met Bob the Vlogger.”

Trixie giggled. She squeezed Katya's hand, as the entirety of yesterday played through her mind again. Nodding at the ceiling, she said, “Yeah.”

“Was she the coolest person on the planet?” Even though Katya's voice dripped with sickly sweet sarcasm, it was the purest, best sound Trixie could hear at that moment.

Trixie breathed, “Yes.”

Katya was silent next to her, and for a moment, Trixie knew what she had to do, she just didn't know how to do it. She focused on the feeling of Katya's hand in hers, until she gave up on making sense of the panicked thought inside her head.

“Um. Bob knows. About us,” Trixie said, mouth finding sound exactly as her brain found the words. She turned her head to look at Katya.

Katya was staring up. “Oh.”

Trixie's stomach was turning, in the unpleasant kind of way then. “I'm really sorry. She promised she wouldn't tell anyone else,” She said, closing her eyes for a second before being sure as she she finished, “And I trust her.”

“Hey, it's okay.” Katya glanced over a little, and squeezed Trixie's hand. “It's fine. I trust her if you do.”

Trixie let out an anxious breath that quickly turned into a sigh. “I hate that we have to talk about this like this, but I don't think we should tell anyone else.” As much as she knew she really _really_ really liked Katya, as much as Trixie knew she wasn't going to let her go without a fight for a long time, everything beyond the four walls of her bedroom was still way too complicated to add their relationship.

“Yeah. I can't even think about telling anyone,” Katya's quiet voice murmured, sounding like she was someplace else entirely. Trixie breathed and held her hand. She wanted to hug her. Then Katya was back to teasing, louder and low and close to Trixie's ear, “Just your best friend in the whole world Bob the Vlogger, right?”

Trixie giggled on instinct, and then again because it was funny. “Shut up. You're my best friend.” She heard Katya hum a little. Katya shifted on the bed a bit, so Trixie shifted too. Closer or farther, she didn't know. She pulled Katya's hand nearer to her body.

“So, how did Bob find out?”

Trixie flooded with self-consciousness at the memory of the day previous. “I was being weird, and she just _guessed_. And then, then it had gone too far to take it back.”

Katya snickered. “Bad girl. Don't be weird.”

The heat flushed between Trixie's legs before the redness found her entire face. Katya stopped and noticed. Trixie's mouth fell open in shock, and on instinct her knees pressed together and her legs bent up.

“Um,” Katya said, visibly processing what was happening.

_Shit shit shit_ . Trixie could feel herself about to start throbbing and she needed that to _not happen at all._ She leaned up halfway to sitting on one elbow, and pressed the back of her hand against her cheeks to coax the warmth out of them. “Sorry, it's fine,” She whined.

But Katya's face re-appeared in her field of vision, wearing a delighted smile. “Holy shit, you horny bitch.”

Trixie knew she would be laughing if she wasn't so embarrassed. “Shut up.”

“ _Wow_ ,” Katya drawled out, before lying back down. From somewhere Trixie couldn't see as she stared at the ceiling and breathed, Katya muttered, “Wish I could have seen your reaction when I texted you that.”

Trixie did not have to work hard to remember that text, after Katya's birthday party when she had ditched Adore to take a bath. She moved onto her side to face Katya, squeezing her legs in a little more for good measure. “Oh, my reaction?” She responded automatically. “Much more embarrassing than this.”

Katya just looked at her, eyes slowly squinting more and more, until she spat, “Like alone in the bath embarrassing?”

Trixie felt herself blush all over again.

“Sorry, uh,” Katya said quickly. “It's just that my reaction to _that picture_ was, uh, alone in the shower, embarrassing,” She stuttered.

Trixie was quickly giggling, making Katya smile, as she tried to work through the _shock_ of learning that Katya had touched herself to… “That picture was so tame,” Trixie said, another defense mechanism firing automatically over her internal debate about whether she was more flattered or embarrassed. Her mouth found the words, “It was PG.”

“Well I wasn't thinking about the PG parts.”

Trixie wasn't laughing anymore, and Katya wasn't smiling. They were just lying there on Trixie's bed. Trixie could still taste Katya's minty chapstick in her mouth. She was considering what Katya was telling her. Trixie didn't think about it too creatively until Katya looked at her mouth, and then down at the bed in between them. Trixie thought about her eyes closing, mouth falling open, all alone in the shower… “That's hot.”

Katya looked up. She didn't say anything, eyes bright and lips still.

Trixie reached for her arm, and watched her own fingertips graze Katya's skin. She was lost in her own head. Her voice was quiet and faraway, wondering, “We could have been doing this so long ago.”

Katya's arm moved beneath Trixie's prods as she shrugged. “I don't think we should worry about that,” She said.

Focusing on Katya's words made all her uncertainties dissipate. “Yeah. You're right.” Of course Katya was right. She was always right about these things. Trixie hummed a bit, and she played with the sleeve of Katya's t-shirt. “We just have a lot of stuff to catch up on.” Then risking a glance up, “Like, hundreds of R-rated bath pics.”

Katya giggled. Her eyes were wide open.

“Actually,” Trixie said, rolling backwards a little and reaching for her phone in the waistband of her leggings.

“Right now?” Katya asked.

“I'm checking I deleted them,” Trixie explained, throwing a teasing look behind her. When she unlocked her phone, she saw she had a new text from one of the few people she would actually read a text from at a time like that. “Oh, Bob texted me again.”

“Forgive me. I'll give you and your best friend a minute,” Katya said. As her phone loaded, Trixie reached back to poke her.

**_Bob_ ** _: plans fell thru. u and katya wanna do dinner tn with me and monet?_

Trixie's poke turned into a grab, fingers digging into Katya's arm. “She invited us to dinner.”

“What?”

Trixie rolled to face Katya again. “You can meet Bob and her sister.”

Katya smiled at her. “I feel like she's gonna give me a talk, like, _what are your intentions with my best friend_?” She asked in a scratchy old man voice.

Trixie cackled, pushing at Katya and opening her phone again. “Oh my god, no. Come on. It'll be fun.”

“Yeah,” Katya said. “Of course.”

 

**Trixie** : Yeah sounds great!

**Bob** : can you find us a terrible pretentious LA spot plz

**Trixie** : Of course

**Bob** : werk

**Bob** : can i share ur little secret with monet? she won't shut up about you two lmao

**Trixie** : Yeah for sure

**Trixie** : Thanks again for everything :)

**Bob** : save it for the camera

**Trixie** : [blowing kiss emoji][zipper-mouth emoji]

 

SEVERAL HOURS LATER

 

“Please, no more hugs,” Trixie pleaded as she found the dark corner at the back of the small Mexican restaurant, where Bob and Monét were already waiting. Bob was meandering towards them, and Trixie reached up to gently push Katya ahead of her.

Bob snorted. “Whatever. C'mere Katya,” She said, and Trixie watched her literally engulf Katya in her giant knit cardigan. She could just see Katya smiling up at nothing as Bob rocked her back and forth a bit. “Nice to meet you, sweetie,” Bob said.

“My pleasure,” Katya assured.

Trapped behind the table, Monét gave Trixie a little wave, so she smiled back.

“This is my sis, Monét,” Bob explained as she let Katya go.

“Hey girl,” Monét said. Katya reached over to shake her hand.

“How was your day?” Trixie asked, as they all pulled out their chairs and sat down. She picked up a paper-wrapped straw to fidget with because she knew she'd be reaching for Katya's hand otherwise.

Bob nodded and glanced at Monét. “It was good. I just had my panel.”

“She did great,” Monét promised, smirking and sipping her water dramatically.

“Monét got recognized, when we were walking around, a couple people recognized you,” Bob said.

“A couple? It was like ten.” Trixie was living for the unimpressed smile on Bob's face as Monét continued, “Bob's just being shady cause we found some people who care about my videos more than hers.”

Katya asked, “You’re a YouTuber too?”

Monét huffed a little, but kept glancing at Bob like she blamed her for everything. “Yes, I am, and maybe some bitches would know it if Bob would collab with me more.” Trixie laughed and so did Katya, as Bob shook her head. Monét muttered, ”Whatever. Bob thinks I'm boring.”

”I do _not_ think you're boring, Monét,” Bob implored, “I did not say that.”

“Yes you did, you said I was—what's the word—”

“Congenial,” Bob said.

“Congenial!” Monét was affronted. “She said I'm too congenial, no one cares what I have to say.”

Trixie checked and Katya was beaming at them, while Bob sincerely explained, “Your content is great, Monét, but you seem like so fake online. Be a bitch sometimes.”

“It’s called branding, Bob,” Monét said, and Trixie raised her eyebrows at her. “I'm _nice_. Not all of us wanna be known for being mean as like, Nene Leaks.”

“You think I'm as mean as Nene Leaks?” Bob spat.

Monét announced proudly, “Yes I do.”

“Okay, Slo-Mo.”

“Oh, Slo-Mo!” Katya said, and Trixie looked to see she was radiating sunshine, looking pleased at Monét. Trixie started laughing with Bob, and Katya joined in. Monét rolled her eyes and sipped her water.

“Anyways,” Bob announced, clearing her throat a bit. “Thanks for coming,” She said to Trixie and Katya.

Trixie was stunned for a second, looking at Monét and Bob smiling across at her, Katya happy at her side. “Yeah. Thanks for inviting us,” She managed. She smiled over at Katya and really _really_ really wanted to hold her hand, but didn't.

Bob looked at Katya so intensely. Trixie felt so proud to watch her best friend stare back, holding her own calmly, unlike Trixie had been able to. “I wish we could have met under better circumstances,” Bob promised, “But I really respect your decision, and the way you've spoken up.”

Katya shrugged, and Trixie pulled the end of the wrapper off the straw. “Thank you. I just couldn't hack it this time,” She said. Bob and Monét listened intently. When Trixie deposited the paper garbage on the table, Katya reached up and captured her hand. Trixie looked at her, heart stuttering. Katya said, “But I couldn't have done anything without Trixie.”

Feeling flush with admiration and her friends’ eyes on her, Trixie just stared at Katya's smile. She knew it wasn't exactly true, that Katya was one of the strongest people on the planet and she could do anything she set her mind to, but she knew that Bob and Monét already knew that as well. Trixie didn't have to tell them. She breathed and looked at their pleased smiles that were verging on smug. She pulled her hand back a little, but when Katya threaded their fingers together on the table, she let her.

“Yeah, tell me more about _this_ ,” Bob insisted with a gesture at Trixie and Katya.

Trixie suddenly found herself looking around frantically, at Bob, Monét, their hands on the table, Katya, and then anywhere but Katya. She met Bob’s inquiring eyes again and shrugged.

Katya glanced at her, squeezing her hand. “It’s still very new.” Then looking back at Trixie for real, “Sort of.”

Trixie couldn’t help but smile.

Bob was not impressed. “Sort of?”

Katya stared her down, grip on Trixie’s hand softening into something more comfortable, that they could hold for the duration of the entire dinner, if need be. “Do you want to hear the long version?”

Bob nodded coolly as Monét exclaimed, “Of course!”

Katya looked back one more time. Trixie nodded for her to tell it. She loved this story, the beautiful, ridiculous story that they were still writing. “Well. Last year, I was trying to figure out how makeup worked…”

 

ONE DAY LATER

 

Katya @katya_zamo

Still heartbroken to have missed VidCon, but this weekend has been amazing.

 

Trixie Mattel @TrixieMattel

@katya_zamo [winking kissing emoji][winking kissing emoji][winking kissing emoji]

 

Bob the Vlogger @Bob

@katya_zamo you're welcome

 

**trixiemattel**  
[Image: Trixie and Monét posing next to a streetlight.]  
**trixiemattel** photo credit @katya_zamo  
TEN SECONDS AGO

 

“That’s, adorable,” Katya said as her Instagram feed refreshed and she clicked the heart under the picture of Trixie and Monét.

Trixie smiled and leaned closer to Katya. She ignored the red notifications popping up on her phone, reaching and letting it clatter on the desk they were sitting at. She shuffled closer, as Katya smiled down at her screen, until she brought her arms around Katya's shoulders. Katya let her, scrolling slowly. The monitor on the desk dimmed a little. Chris’s computer across the room beeped.

Trixie was washed with calm and happiness, hugging Katya, just chilling together. Even though VidCon had been so hard, her weekend had been amazing too. She had never expected any aspect of what ended up happening, but it had turned out so confusingly perfect.

Trixie's heart ached a bit and she leaned her head on Katya's shoulder. Her eyes sliding shut, she breathed and listened to Katya's nails click against her phone screen. She squeezed Katya's shoulders a little tighter. Trixie let her mind swirl with memories of sweet times with Katya, and quiet excitement for the future. She was excited to get back to work together, for the week ahead of them, for their date seeing _Falsettos_ on the weekend. Trixie was so excited to hold her just like this, today, tomorrow, every day she could, everywhere—

“—you wanted.”

“We have lots of time. Wait 'til next week.”

At the sounds of her editors and agent entering the room, Trixie suddenly realized that _everywhere_ included her workplace, where she was supposed to be professional and also hiding her relationship with Katya. Chest seizing and thrumming, she sat up.

“God, if only Ross could shut up for five seconds,” Michelle said, as Trixie heard her words in between the clicks of her heels.

Trixie pushed her hair back as she shifted away from Katya, heart pounding. _Fuck. Whatever happened to being normal?_ She turned to look at the people who had joined them in the basement—and Ron was standing right next to her. Looking at her. He was looking at her, he had seen her cuddling with Katya in the middle of the day for all the basement to see. Trixie's brain scrambled for an excuse or explanation. “Uh—”

“Michelle's office in ten,” Ron said. He flashed a quick, shallow smile and then backed away.

Trixie was frozen, a defense still on her tongue, as the weird look and awkward question didn't come. Ron joined Michelle and Chris at a computer, clicking through clips and websites. He hadn't said anything about it. None of them had, but walked right past them and paid no mind.  _Why aren't they being weird about it?_

Trixie glanced back at Katya. She was hoisting her backpack onto the desk, and starting to rifle through it. She hadn't reacted at all when people had shown up as they were mid-hug.

“ _Did you tell them?_ ” Trixie hissed under her breath, trying to lean but trying not to get too close to Katya.

She didn't seem to take her accusation of outing them seriously at all. “No. Why?”

Trixie's heart pounded, and she looked quickly between the computer their editors and agent were gathered around, and the growing confusion on Katya's face. Trixie kept her voice so only Katya could hear it: “We were just _hugging_.”

Katya paused in place, relaxing a bit. “We always hug.”

Annoyance flashed in Trixie's stomach. _That's not what I mean!_ “I was like… _leaning_ on you.”

Katya considered her for a second, looking totally unbothered, and maybe even pleased. Trixie watched in horror when Katya reached over and covered one of her hands with her own. But Katya was calm, and spoke quietly, promising, “You know we're not doing anything we haven't always done at work.”

Trixie knew that couldn't be right, but with Katya's grip only growing stronger around her hand, and the suggestion forcing her to rewind and re-evaluate her memories, she started to calm down. _Really?_ Everything felt so different, felt so pure in her heart now, she couldn't believe how much of her love she must have been showing before she'd found the courage to talk to Katya.

“Okay?” Katya asked, and squeezed her hand.

Trixie twisted her arm so she could squeeze back, holding Katya's hand for just a second before letting go. “Yeah.”

“Let's go!” Michelle barked, starting to click out of the room.

Katya stood up. Trixie's heart ached, and she remembered, _nothing we haven't always done_. She stood as well, and trapped Katya in a hug before she could go anywhere, pressing her nose into Katya's hair. Chris gave them half a smile as he passed.

 

FIVE DAYS LATER

 

“You’re not posting that, right?”

Trixie let her hands, still cradling her phone tightly, fall down and touch the creamy white tablecloth. “Can’t platonic business partners take each other out for a nice, candlelit dinner?” As Katya smiled, Trixie locked her phone without looking at it and slipped it down into her purse. While nothing that was happening right then was platonic, everything was nice, everything was very much candlelit, and soon enough, there would be dinner. Trixie’s eyes skimmed over the shining silverware, the perfect black planes of the shoulders of Katya’s blazer, the gentle flickering of the little candles in between them on the table.

Katya spoke up. “Speaking of business—”

“I don’t want to talk about work,” Trixie challenged, successfully shutting Katya up. But it was too late, Trixie’s brain was remembering deadlines and cameras, being with Katya, laughing with her… Trixie felt she was smiling as Katya gave her a funny look.

“What?”

Red-handed, Trixie managed, “I just…I can’t believe we’re working together. And we’re best friends, and we’re strangers from the internet…” Her mind swirled with memories, sweet feelings growing inside her. “And we’re happy together.”

Katya just looked on silently for a second, curious smile still faintly holding her red, red lips. “Are you happy?” She asked.

“I’m so happy I don’t know what to do with myself,” Trixie breathed, feeling the thrill of sharing truth course through her. She had spent so many evenings staring at her phone, feeling like she needed to call someone but not knowing who, or what to say. She only had one thing, one person on her mind. Trixie blurted out, “Are you? Happy?”

Katya looked away, and Trixie wanted to frame the image of her soft candle lit face, brow infallibly discerning, hair perfectly messy as it sprawled out of her ponytail. Trixie wanted to hold and live in the moment of Katya being so beautiful, just thinking, just existing. Katya’s breath stopped in her open mouth, and then, “I think I’m happier than I’ve ever been.”

That sounded…good. Too good to be true. Trixie didn’t dare look away from her. “Even with everything that happened last week?” She asked, trying to seem light and casual.

But this was a dark and intense subject, and Katya’s eyes took their time turning dark and intense before she spoke, low, but with conviction, “I can’t control the world around me.” Trixie’s heart lurched just at the mention of “the world”, but she managed to swallow her protective assertions to continue to listen. Katya said, “But I can control how I think about it, and how I feel. Talking to Michelle, and Tatianna, and talking to _you_ has really helped.”

Trixie couldn’t help but reach over and grab Katya’s hand. Katya quickly glanced out at the rest of the restaurant, and then she gave Trixie a pressed smile. Trixie didn’t care if there was anyone around who would see them. She squeezed Katya tighter, feeling her tough muscles and bones, the exacting, skilled hand of the amazing woman she loved. It felt like a flimsy shell for an overflowing chasm of emotions, but Trixie said, “You can talk to me about anything.”.

Katya’s hand was perfectly still beneath Trixie’s. Katya nodded. She breathed in the silence between them, let her warmth conduct to Trixie’s hand. “Not bad for strangers from the internet.”

Trixie rolled her eyes, let go, and picked up the wine list.

 

THREE HOURS LATER

 

Trixie was clinging to Katya’s hand for dear life, because her favourite character had just died.

She had never really gotten into musicals, but now she knew she never could, with how thoroughly _Falsettos_ was breaking her heart. She couldn’t believe Katya had fooled her saying it was about “a tight-knit family and their lesbian neighbours!” Trixie was watching a masterpiece about love, life, and sometimes far too soon, death. The family was perfectly dysfunctional, and the lesbians were humans with struggles, and Whizzer—yes, the character’s name was Whizzer—was dead.

Trixie was floored. Of course she should have seen it coming, watching the stylish adventures of a gay man in America in 1981. But it was all Trixie could do to hold her anguish at his demise silently inside herself and grip Katya’s hand fiercely. Courtney was sitting on the other side of Katya, though, so they hid their death grip under the armrest. Trixie just kept her grief inside, focusing on Katya’s hand around hers and processing the show still running on stage.

The triumphant bar mitzvah chant had slowed down into a sweet piano tune. Most of the ensemble had left the stage, leaving Marvin, Whizzer’s lover and friend, staring silently away from the crowd. Softly but surely, Marvin sang, “ _What would I do…if I had not met you?_ ” With each cheeky step up on the piano as Marvin turned around, the words sank deeper into Trixie’s heart.

“ _Who would I blame my life on?_ ”

Trixie snuck a glance over at Katya. She looked focused, with bright, open eyes, and she was moving her foot in the air in time with the beat. When Trixie looked away, Katya squeezed her hand softly.

“ _There are no answers_ ,” Marvin sang. “ _But who would I be? If you had not been my friend?_ ”

Trixie got lost in the music, in the deceptively simple and romantic ballad, letting her mind run free. Feeling the words, and feeling Katya’s hand around hers, all Trixie could think about was how happy she was to be there, then. She was so happy that she and Katya could talk about anything, that they were working together, that it was still very new but they would probably still be together next year. Trixie knew that she was still blinded by the thrill of finally knowing Katya liked her back, but she also knew that she loved Katya. She had for a long time in the past, and she would for a while into the future. Trixie felt deep in her heart that she had every reason to be excited.

“ _What would I do…if I had not loved you? How would I know what love is?_ ”

Katya’s hand tightened slightly around Trixie’s, and Trixie looked to side of the stage just Whizzer reappeared, looking like a vision, now, no longer like an AIDS patient. He sung to Marvin, low and intimate, and with each sweet note, Trixie became more and more sure that she was about to cry. Marvin and Whizzer both sang, growing louder and more passionate.

“ _Do you regret…_ ” Whizzer started to ask.

Marvin sang, “ _I’d do it again. I’d like to believe that I’d do it again. And again and again…_ ”

As the music reached its highest, loudest point, Trixie started to cry.

Marvin and Whizzer sang back and forth, a tale of great love and great loss, and tears poured down Trixie’s face. She tried to wipe at her eyes with her free hand but it was futile; everything was so sad and scared and excited and happy inside her. She cried and felt the hot, wet tears, and felt Katya’s thumb rub deep across her hand, over and over. Trixie tried to listen but she could barely see. The music was getting quieter and she was crying harder, holding desperately onto her own face and Katya’s hand. She was at a funeral; she was glad she wore black, even if her dress wasn’t entirely appropriate, as it was skin-tight from her clavicle to the middle of her thighs.

The musical went on, and Trixie kept crying. The end followed quickly and she was still sniffling through the curtain calls, the endless clapping, and even when the lights went up, brushing away the last few tears.

Katya was already looking up at her. Trixie hugged her.

Her brain wanted to think about everyone else in the theater, about her blotchy face made known to everyone in the light, but Trixie managed to focus on holding Katya. Her arms around her were strong, unwavering. Trixie sniffed her hair, breathed slower and slower.

“You good?” Katya asked, still hugging her.

Trixie let go, and straightened up when Katya released her. She nodded and sniffled. She looked behind Katya, where she thought Courtney and Jake would have been standing, waiting, judging her, but they were gone.

Katya seriously asked her, “Did you like it?”

Trixie almost course. “Of course!” She said, probably too loud for a theater that had been silent minutes ago, so she cleared her scratchy throat and muttered, “I hated it.”

Katya laughed just a bit, face softening into content. It calmed Trixie’s heart. Katya said, “We should go say ‘Hi’ to everyone.”

“Right.” Before Trixie could whirl around and traipse out of their row, Katya looked up at her with earnest eyes, and she surreptitiously squeezed Trixie’s hand once more. Trixie let her let go and then started to leave.

 

“It was so so so good,” Trixie promised Ginger, “The music was just beautiful. It was so great.”

“Thanks darlin’,” Ginger accepted, and she let Trixie give her a short, tight hug. “Thanks for coming.”

“Great job. They killed it,” Katya promised. She and Ginger hugged quickly too. Katya looked around the busy area just outside the theatre where tons of people were milling around, and remarked, “I think Courtney’s lost. Stay here,” She told Trixie with a touch on her arm, so Trixie did.

“Oh!” Ginger suddenly said. “Trixie, honey, come over here,” She instructed, and shuffled a few steps through the crowd, so Trixie followed, glancing back for Katya a bit but not seeing her. She watched Ginger get the attention of a young girl, and then bring her over in front of Trixie. Ginger introduced, “This is _Jay_ , she does _sets_.”

 

HALF AN HOUR LATER

 

“Thanks for driving,” Trixie said once they were inside her apartment. Katya acknowledged it. As soon as their shoes were kicked off to the side, Trixie shuffled into Katya's personal space. Katya looked up at her. Trixie reached up, just touching the smooth lapels of her jacket at first, and then holding onto them firmly, and pulling her in for a kiss. It was so right, to kiss Katya, to put her mouth down and let warmth, electricity, and love flow through her, and feel Katya do the same. She was holding still. Trixie pushed a little more, pulled her a little closer. She felt Katya kiss against her and nothing else mattered in the world. Trixie was alive, existing through this kiss, electrified by the touch of Katya’s lips to hers.

Then Katya pulled back a bit, but when Trixie looked, she was staring intensely up at her. Katya lifted her hands and gently placed them over top of Trixie’s. She coaxed them outwards, until they were pushing off the shoulders of Katya’s jacket together, and Trixie was pulling it down her arms.

Just that simple action made Trixie a little excited, and she reached for Katya’s face next, leaning down and kissing her close. Katya didn’t seem to mind, not at all, as Trixie felt hands find her hips as she moved her lips gently against Katya’s. Trixie leaned in closer, leaned down deeper, and tried not to claw Katya’s face off, what with the desire and adrenaline starting to build inside her. The world was silent, still. Katya’s tongue was a friend that Trixie saw far too little of, but she met quickly tonight, sending shivers through her body. She kissed Katya sweeter and lighter, pulling at her face ever so slightly. With Katya grabbing at her hips and sucking on her mouth, Trixie couldn’t deny it, she was turned on more than she liked to be while clothed.

Trixie smoothed her thumbs over Katya’s cheeks as she separated their lips. Her breath came quickly, and her voice came out just a bit whiny when she whispered, “I want you.”

Katya was starting to sound like Trixie when she asked, “Really?”

Trixie flooded with disappointment and protectiveness, and she was hugging Katya, squeezing the life out of her. Forgetting sensuality, she just wanted to hold Katya here. As if she was safe from self-doubt in Trixie’s arms, which Trixie couldn’t guarantee. She frowned at herself and pressed her face against Katya’s head. She muttered, “ _Fuck_ , yes, baby. I want you so bad.” It felt so good to say it. “For so long, of course.”

Katya just tucked her head down into Trixie's chest. Trixie felt her heart ache, her breathing stop. She curled her fingers into Katya’s sides so her nails pressed into her clothes. Katya shifted a bit in her grasp, and then slid her hands farther around on Trixie’s hips. Trixie would have stood there all night, standing and holding Katya, trying to convince her she loved her so so so much. But after a few moments of silence, Katya mumbled unintelligibly into Trixie’s dress.

“What’s that?”

Katya looked up. “I want you too.”

Her body’s first reaction: Trixie nodded and kissed her. The heat deep in her stomach swirled, as her brain slowly realized, in time with the caress of Katya’s sweet lips, just what they were saying to each other. Trixie unwrapped herself from around Katya and held her body close, kissing her. Faces knocking together, tongues slipping around. Then Trixie was pulling, walking backwards, and dragging Katya towards her bedroom.

 

Trixie ran and jumped onto her bed, not really remembering letting go of Katya, but not caring as she turned around to watch Katya climb up with her. Trixie’s breath caught, and her brain was stuck on a loop of _oh my god oh my god oh my god_ as Katya half-crawled up the pink duvet at her. When Katya’s hand pushed back at her shoulder, Trixie heaved an exhale, and then breathed in again quickly, lowering herself down onto her back under Katya, who just closed her eyes and put her face down to Trixie’s.

They kissed, and Katya ran her hand gently over her shoulder, all the way down her arm. Trixie clamped their hands together, and pulled at Katya’s neck, like the kiss couldn’t be deep enough, like their faces couldn’t be close enough for the deep, pure desire they had both been ignoring for months. It was alive, and building inside of Trixie, and she tried not to squirm around under Katya as she sucked on Katya’s tongue. She wanted this _so bad_ and _oh my god oh my god oh my god_.

Feeling her blanket heating up beneath her and her fingers brushing against Katya’s collar, Trixie decided she was done with clothes. Katya tried to keep their hands entwined, but Trixie shook her off. She went for Katya’s buttons, fingers fumbling at first, until she was practically ripping the last few apart. Trixie pushed the shirt open. She opened her eyes and pulled away to look—and couldn’t stop herself from smiling, at the plain white sports bra Katya was wearing.

Katya glanced down immediately, and then looked right at Trixie, as if checking if she was judging her. Trixie was, just a little bit.

“You didn’t wear your sexy bra for me?” Trixie teased, because she knew Katya owned one.

Still kneeling over her, Katya rolled her eyes. She lifted one arm at a time for Trixie to work the shirt off, which she did eagerly, and Katya muttered, “I didn’t think daddy issues and death would put you _in the mood_.”

Trixie didn’t even have time to laugh before Katya was moving to the side and pulling her, pulling Trixie up until she was overtop of her. Katya leaned up, grabbed at her, and kissed her. Trixie held herself up, remembering how Katya’s lips had just looked, slightly smudged with Trixie’s lipstick. She smiled into their kiss.

Katya hummed a bit as she worked her lips against Trixie’s. Her hands found Trixie’s back, and flitted up until they found the tiny zipper. Somehow, with Trixie licking incessantly into her mouth, Katya managed to unzip her dress all the way down to the top of her ass. Trixie’s skin tingled, with Katya’s fingers brushing over her, working her dress off her shoulders and pushing it down, but just to her waist. Katya pulled her face away.

Trixie smiled down at her. She knew she was wearing the cutest, pinkest lacy bra on the planet. Katya shook her head, red-ish lips smiling so so wide to show her perfect teeth. She leaned up looking at Trixie’s mouth, but before she could get there, Trixie leaned down and tilted her head to attach her nude lipstick kiss to Katya’s neck. She heard Katya inhale. As she kissed and touched her tongue to the skin, Trixie grabbed Katya’s hand and attached it to the bright pink lace.

Trixie’s lips closed on her neck and sucked, and Katya’s hand closed gently on her tit. Trixie felt the heat in her stomach flash hotter every time Katya gasped quietly. Trixie’s teeth and Katya’s nails, pressing in gently. Shivers ran down her spine. Trixie could feel the blood pumping between her legs. Katya’s fingers slid over her bra firmly.

“Take it off,” Trixie said into her skin. She moved her lips quickly to Katya’s jawbone, and Katya moved her hands slowly to Trixie’s back. Trixie kissed her over and over, trying to encourage her. Katya did not fumble, but worked slowly, until Trixie’s bra was no longer clamped around her chest and she could breathe just a little tiny bit easier again. Trixie started to lean back, and she watched Katya follow, until they were sitting up. Trixie settled onto her heels. Katya’s legs were threaded in and under Trixie. Staring fiercely into Trixie’s eyes, Katya took the bra away, and tossed it to the side. Trixie could feel her breasts hanging heavy, warm from being cooped up all day.

As she touched Katya’s face softly, Trixie’s heart thudded once, _oh my god I love her so much_ , and then she pulled her in for another kiss.

Then it was all about her hands in Katya’s hair, Katya’s hands on her tits, and shifting her hips on top of her legs. Involuntarily. Of course. Trixie pressed her chest forwards and pulled Katya in and kissed her like the world was ending. For all she knew, it was. She couldn’t think but for the heat of her mouth, chest, and pussy. Her dress bunched up around her waist was squeezing her in so much; Trixie probably looked great right then.

Her train of thought was scattered when Katya kissed her neck, which meant that soon enough, with the soft graze of teeth over her sensitive skin, Trixie couldn’t stop herself from whining. And whining again. She couldn’t stop her breath from coming in heaves, her pussy throbbing. Whining again. Grabbing at Katya’s middle blindly, Trixie whined into the air, “I want you.”

Trixie didn’t really like that Katya migrated her hands to her shoulders, but she did like that she looked Trixie in the eye to ask, “What do you want?”

Trixie swallowed. “I want you to fuck me.”

After a smile and a hungry, wet kiss, it was a frenzy of pulling their clothes off as fast as they could. Trixie noted how wet her panties already were as she tossed them the opposite direction off the bed from her dress. And then they were naked. Trixie could see Katya’s dick and she wanted to just look at her body forever, but Katya was shuffling up to kiss her again so Trixie let her. She kissed Katya with every ounce of love inside her, every pure and perfect emotion, every pent up admission of attraction and affection.

Trixie was moving around and Katya was helping her; they were laying down with their bare bodies brushing and touching. Trixie pulled at her until she could feel how hard Katya was, pressing into her hip, until Katya ventured a finger or two to just gently touch the wetness between Trixie’s legs. Katya broke their kiss, and Trixie heard her exhale. Trixie watched her press her forehead down onto Trixie’s chest, and then pick her face up to say, “I want to eat you out so bad, baby.”

Trixie’s face burned at a thousand degrees. “Okay,” She said, and when she let go of Katya’s back she realized she had been skimming her thumbs back and forth. One more hungry, wet kiss on Trixie’s mouth and then she was trying to mentally prepare for something she couldn’t believe she had been imagining for months without hope of ever actually seeing.

No amount of mental preparation would have helped Trixie from breaking down into the twitchy, whiny mess she became under Katya’s mouth. She couldn’t handle looking down at Katya pressing her face between her legs for more than a second. The first kisses on her thighs drove her crazy. She could only watch in desperate awe as Katya licked at the wet mess that was her pussy, suck it into her mouth, and swallow. Trixie knew her hands were going to hurt with how hard she was clutching at her duvet cover, but the only thing she could feel in the moment was Katya’s tongue. As Katya gently pushed at her clit, Trixie whimpered, high and hidden in her throat. Trixie was losing everything except the ability to whine as Katya licked and sucked her in all the right places. Katya’s tongue was a friend that Trixie saw far too little of, but tonight she was seeing plenty as Katya pressed inside her, swirling around her entrance and pushing in deep. Trixie pulled at her own hair, breathed Katya’s name or curse words, she didn’t know. The rhythm of Katya fucking her with her tongue was steady, but Trixie inhaled faster and faster. The sensations were permeating her body, making the tension migrate from her hips to her toes to her shoulders.

Trixie ached when Katya moved away, mumbling, “Okay, okay,” as she climbed up towards Trixie’s face again.

Trixie kissed her slick and messy mouth. “Please fuck me,” She whined again, needing more than the tease of Katya’s hand on her neck.

Katya pressed her thigh down between Trixie’s legs. “Okay baby,” She said. She leaned closer and kissed Trixie again and again.

Trying not to lift her hips too desperately, Trixie groaned. She could just reach her bedside table to fish out a condom. She tossed it at Katya. She kissed after her mouth, her chin as Katya sat up between Trixie’s knees.

Trixie waited for her. She shifted up on her pillow, and fixed her hair a bit. She looked down at Katya’s bare arm muscles, her little tits, the faint red line around her hips from her underwear. Watching Katya’s eyebrows flex and knit together, Trixie thought, _I love you_.

“Okay, come here baby,” Katya said quietly. Trixie leaned up a little more to meet her kiss, humming into her mouth, as Katya climbed right over her and laid her down. They shared long, deep kisses while Katya leaned her body closer. Trixie didn’t realize really how bad her body needed this until she was clinging around Katya with every bit of strength she had. She whined and kissed Katya, relishing every touch of every inch of Katya’s skin to hers.

When Katya pressed at Trixie’s entrance, Trixie froze against her, waiting, mouth slack. And then Katya pushed inside her. Trixie’s mouth slid open. She breathed, almost silent. The sensation of Katya filling her up made her relax and tense all over, and all Trixie could think was _oh fuck yes_.

Katya moved her body and pressed a little deeper. She kissed Trixie’s lip, and Trixie whined. Trixie hugged her closer and found the mental capacity to kiss back again. But just once, as with the shallow push of Katya’s dick out and then into her, Trixie easily got lost in the pleasure flying up her spine and into her brain.

“ _Trixie…_ ” Katya whispered.

Trixie’s eyes snapped open. She shifted her legs, trying to get Katya closer, deeper. Katya looked at her. Their faces were way too close, but just a moment like that, with their bodies and eyes connected, Trixie was beyond earth and heaven and mortal existence. She was there with Katya and everything was pure and perfect.

Katya closed her eyes and kissed her again.

Trixie settled into it, shifting her hips up a little more. Katya started fucking her faster, and kissing around her mouth and neck as Trixie couldn’t stop the gasps and whines out of her open mouth. Her arms squeezed tighter and looser as Trixie lost and regained control of her mind through the waves of pleasure. Katya’s thrusts into her, her quick and needy kisses on Trixie’s skin, it was all driving Trixie crazy.

Trixie wanted to swear. Her breath came quicker as that sweet tension built deep in her stomach. She whined and moaned against Katya’s mouth. “Katya,” She gasped, and pressed her nails into her skin.

“Yes, baby,” Katya muttered, all encouragement, and Trixie’s head spun deeper with every press of her dick deep into that perfect spot inside her.

“ _Yes_ ,” Trixie whispered back. She needed Katya, hot and strong inside and around her, and that was exactly was Katya was giving her. Over and over, coaxing every twitch and moan out of her body. Trixie was flush with heat and tingly pleasure everywhere. Building and building, her heart and pussy aching, until the floodgates opened.

Trixie’s world stopped. She cried out, and then the only thing she could feel beyond the overwhelming pleasure was Katya’s short little presses against her g-spot. With every one, Trixie whined and then gasped in another breath. Trixie clung fiercely around Katya as she worked every last good feeling out of her body.

Trixie wasn’t even close to coming all the down when Katya made a noise, and then she was cumming inside of her. Trixie opened her eyes and looking at nothing as she clenched her pussy around Katya’s final desperate thrusts. _Oh my god_ , Trixie thought, as she felt her breathing slow, and heard Katya’s slow down too.

Katya pressed her face into Trixie’s neck once more before looking up at her. Trixie released her arms and held her body. Looking up at Katya’s perfect face, sweet lips and soft cheeks and kind eyes, Trixie smiled. Katya smiled too, and then kissed her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed.  
> I am going to take a bit of a break but I promise I will be back to writing as soon as possible! 💖


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